Being A Little Caregiver

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

I live with my 93 year old grandmother and I realized the other day that caring for her is similar to caring for a little. I need to watch out for her physical health, keep life organized, and maintain calm as much as possible. However, there is a unique set of challenges associated with someone whose cognitive functioning is declining. I am wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation and how they handle these challenges.

 

How do you keep organized with someone whose memory is failing?

 

Grandma is highly independent and self-sufficient. She's not the type to ask for help, from anyone. It can be difficult to to convince her that it is necessary to go to the doctor, to get new eye glasses, or that she needs to drink water, not just juice We use a giant calendar to keep track of all appointments and scheduled activities. It worked for years but it is getting to the point where the calendar causes more confusion than clarification. I feel like the only thing that works is constant badgering to stay on task, but that frustrates both of us.

 

For all caregivers, how do you maintain your calm in frustrating situations?

 

This one is difficult for me because it doesn't come naturally. Sometimes Grandma asks the same questions over and over or she gets confused about relatively simple situations. I recognize this isn't her fault but the frustration is there and deep breaths only go so far. Sometimes I try to make it a joke. For example, if she asks whether we need milk ten times in a row, I tell her that the cows are on strike and the dairies have been shut down. The laughter usually breaks the cycle. I have a long list of general stress relief techniques, but I'm looking for tips on handling the situation as it occurs.

 

The confusion and memory are getting worse, but at the same time things get easier the more she forgets. Eventually we will get to a point where she needs more supervision. Until then, we are kind of in a confused but good-natured limbo.

 

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

[Obsessive_Compulsive]

So I'm not sure this will work but when my mom was sick what I did to keep myself from being frustrated with her is to do other things with her besides taking care of her. Instead of constantly helping her or asking about her health or anything I would play cards games with her, watch tv shows together or even just talk. I think it took both of our minds off her condition and made us both feel a lot calmer and happier! This way you can release your stress so it doesn't build up as much and you can handle her for longer.

 

You should be really proud of yourself for taking care of your grandmother! That is very kind of you; keep up the good work!

[Guest You're adorable.]

My Great grandma was 97 when she passed away last year. And as your grandma is, she was highly self-sufficient and independent, even in her 90s. Her vitality and will to live even at her age was inspiring and it was something that was not seen very often. But when she hit 95 years, her body, and what was worse, her memory started to get worse. At first it was something you would barely notice. Her asking some question about the past that didn't make sense so we just brushed it off as a simple "yes, old people have bad memory" kind of thing. But as it progressed, and she started to forget major things or events that happened in her life, or in lives of those close to her, it got harder to talk to her. For me, it was mostly due to the fact that as a young child, geat grandma was my best friend and I have some of the fondest memories from my childhood with her. So when she started forgetting that i was ever there as a kid, visiting on summer break or me coming to pour water on her on Easter (Slovak customs, if you don't know, you can google it ) And when it finally got to a point when she was even confusing my name with the name of my uncle, it got hard.

 

So I guess your frustration comes from this (or it may not of course), seeing people that we once looked up to and saw them as strong, wise and independent adults as someone that requires care from us. At least it was like that for me. So, me, my brother and my dad dealt with it mostly like you do, making some joke about some questions that were totally out of place.

But for my grandpa, her son, it seemed even harder to accept and he dealt with it differently, he dealt with it with agression towards her. And my suspicion that he is coping with the situation using agression became clear when my grandmother, his wife, had a stroke and was left partly paralyzed and although dismissed by doctors, since that incident, she is always "confused". Sometimes she starts searching for things and when you ask hear what she is looking for she would say "nothing".

She was the one doing everything around the house when it came to cleaning, laudry, cooking etc. And while my grandpa did some things too, it was mainly her taking care of the household. (yes us men, can be useless. and most of the time we are ) Now that she was in this condition, some tasks were left for him to take care of. Never having to do them for years, since they were married, he had to deal with this situation, but he also had to deal with the thing that his wife is not the same anymore. The wife he knew, that took care of things and of course, took care of him was not there. She was the one requiring help now. So at first he was dealing with it fine, but as time went by (and we saw those changes in their relationship because we weren't visiting every day so the leaps were apparent) they grew distant, my grandpa being aggresive towards her just like he was towards his mother.

 

But after this agression, i think he realized that frustration from the fact that things are not the same with people that he loves will only eat him from the inside and he will slowly succumb do depression. I am sure he realized that although things are different now, those people are still the same people that we loved and that we cared for. So instead of being mad and depressed, he started to be more engaging. He was never a good cook, he is the kind of person that can even burn tea But despite that he started to learn. And my grandma, being a great cook started to assist him. He was doing most of the manual labor that my grandma wasn't able to do anymore and she was supervising him. And that way they found a new way to connect. It may seem like pretty basic thing, but sometimes it isn't. Sometimes we see people we loved change and the change scares us and we stop realizing that those people are the same people that we loved so much and cared for them.

 

So my grandfather and his wife found a way to connect even after such a huge change in their lives. So seeing this, I used the same approach when talking to grandma. I just remembered that she is still the same person that i loved and was happy to spend time with her. And all those happy memories outweighted the fact that she is slowly forgetting all of us. I was engaging with her more, i asked her questions about bible (she was big believer) and discovered that she still remembers almost everything from that little book and realized that I should focus on this. (even though i am an atheist).

 

So my advice for dealing with frustrating situation would be this. Realize that the person, is still the same person that you loved. Instead of brushing off her problems and seeing how she slowly loses her memory, try and find something that she still remembers clearly. I am not sure, but I think this "memory excercise" is a way to keep her on track, as it was with my great grandmother. So, instead of treating her as someone that has problems, try to treat her as someone that you love and that you want to spend time with. And eventually, even when the sadness from the fact that she is slowly forgetting you will not disappear, the good moments will make up for that greatly.

 

I don't know if this will help, but I just wanted to put that story here because it seemed appropriate. I hope you will find a way to deal with it.

 

And, oh. As for the "how to keep organized" question. The same thing was with my great grandmother too. I will tell you, it eventually WILL come to the point when she will need constant reminding and care. So, take some things from previous paragraphs and try not to take this as a problem. Take this as an opportunity for "memory excercise" and something that, although not perfect, brings you closer.

 

I think that's all from me. To summarize, the most important thing is the mindset and how you look at things. And while i know that it is not easy, trust me, it's no use to get frustrated over something that's a part of life. Try to see things from different perspective.

Edited May 6, 2018 by You're adorable.

[Littlest_Bee]

This is a hard topic for me because I feel as if I should have some advice (having lived through something similar) but it's hard to remember the specifics. And I wasn't alone in taking care of my grandma.

 

She was almost completely blind by the time dementia was a serious problem and I think what helped her most were massages and touch therapy. But maybe that's just because I went to courses at the time and I would usually try to see if the techniques I learned could help ease the pain in her hands or back or just make her feel better.

When we wanted her to eat something we would have to talk without leaving much pauses, so she felt as if she didn't have to talk herself and could just listen. So I'd prepare some food and tell her everything I could think of and then when she was finished, I'd rub her back and listen to her. Sometimes trying to steer the conversation but mostly listening and just letting her get voice her thoughts.

 

Touching also helped her remember if I was in the room with her because it happened a lot that she started talking to empty chairs or tried answering the people in the TV or radio (usually protested if you wanted to turn those off though).

 

If you need someone to talk, you can always message me. *hugs*

Take care!

[Dan]

Hey Sachita

 

You already know what I'm gonna say here but ...... Sachita needs time for Sachita!!! Regarding organisation a calendar is the best way I can think of as well, maybe find one that only shows one day at a time and has plenty of space to add notes so you can cover any anticipated questions or arguments beforehand. Have you spoke to grandma about the situation? If not it may help gain some cooperation, just be respectful but straight forward, you both want her to be active as she has always been, this is becoming difficult, you want to help her through team effort not baby her so she needs to help you and shortcut the need for badgering.

 

The frustration at times must be very tough, as a caregiver in the times of going into Carnage Kabuto mode the focus needs to be less of it is not her fault and more that it is not your fault you are in the situation, that you are feeling frustrated, as well as the fact there is little you can do to get her to remember things. This is the situation you are in, it's not your fault. You can either expel energy into an unwanted emotion over events that you have no control over or you can be at peace with it which is the least of what you deserve. Obviously being a Zen master is great but frustration will still and understandably set in, emotions can stew and concentrate themselves, what starts out as frustration can lead to resentment and anger over time. Expelling/expressing these emotions in a controlled way can stop them from building up and stop the ability for you to conjure the energy for them afterwards so go to a dojo to punch and kick somethings, be bratty in little space, vent to someone that understands the situation and the fact you just need to vent. Either way hope this gets easier for you. <3

[CaresAlot]

When she is having a good day take some videos of her and stories that she likes to tell.  These will mean a lot to you some day.  When I knew my Mom didn't have much time left, I started a "I will always remember" document.  Wrote down all the things that made my Mom who she was and things that were special.  I had the rest of my family and relatives add.  Got friends and our friends to add their thoughts to it as well.  I never thought how much my Mom meant to so many people.  To me she was just Mom and you could always bring somebody home and they would feel welcome.  I found out that friends only got that when they were around my Mom.

 

You are taking care of somebody who has lived almost a century.  There are lots of good memories and while she still can recall them they will be part of who she is.  Knowing that her memories will be part of you and that will stay with you will be something that will touch her.  If you have family tap into that resource to help.  I found that they (family) would do anything they just needed to know what to do.

 

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,

Love leaves a memory no one can steal.