Should I even continue pursuing a DDlg relationship?

[Guest Nada3925]

I'm a so called daddy. I've had three littles as apart of a romantic relationship and 2 as strictly caregiver and nothing else. Aside from the first one who died before I knew what the outcome would have been between us.. One ended up cheating on me. The other found the things i liked uninteresting enough to continue a relationship. I have been told I do not fit the roles DDlg has to offer, despite i like to care for others and help them through their problems. thats what my career path will lead me to do in the future if things dont keep going down hill for me. I have a shitty life that only knows how to one up itself in what comes next in what im gonna call "suffer porn." I feel like im also loosing my place in the forum. Should I even be here anymore? Should I just move on? I dont wanna hear the classic "You just havent found the right person yet" nonsense. Ive heard it since day one and im sick of it. I need realistic opinion.

[Lil' Miss Dolly]

Ah right.. one realistic opinion. This dynamic is no different than any other dating system... You're gonna test the waters with different people and the majority o those people are going to be incompatible. Do you know exactly what you want from a cg/l relationship? If not that should be your first step. If you do know what it is you're looking for then continue testing the waters. Be upfront and assertive about your ideals and limits. At the end of the day if this is truly where you feel you belong then this is where you belong but it's a journey you can't skip because you learn a ton along the way. It all starts with a conversation - get to know them and you can have a better idea of their goals and it they match your own.

[Guest ScorpioBeastWolf]

Know yourself.... Your needs.... Your wants..... And then what you can give. Knowing all will make you more stronger and confident in your own self. I myself am a Dom and living ddlg D/S lifestyle for last 7+ years. In the time have met, talked, lived with many Subs and littles. Some didn't want to continue, some left, some disappeared. Each time I started studying my own self without doubting myself.

Realistic opinion..... Never blame or doubt self, instead accept the flaws and work to see what you can change.

[Guest SUeB]

Sounds like you have enough personal issues to deal with before you should even think about trying to care for anyone else. Maybe that's how you deal with it. If you are so busy focusing on trying to fix others, you don't have to think about fixing yourself. That's not an insult, it's simply the thoughts i get reading this post.

[Guest ScorpioBeastWolf]

Sounds like you have enough personal issues to deal with before you should even think about trying to care for anyone else. Maybe that's how you deal with it. If you are so busy focusing on trying to fix others, you don't have to think about fixing yourself. That's not an insult, it's simply the thoughts i get reading this post.

So very agree to the lady. Indeed that's what I would like you to think about, a deeper study of self, a deeper knowing of self, so that you be complete in your self and then give out your caring heart.

[Guest Nada3925]

So very agree to the lady. Indeed that's what I would like you to think about, a deeper study of self, a deeper knowing of self, so that you be complete in your self and then give out your caring heart.

I know myself well. I was born being disliked and have been "raised" at an arm and a sticks length. The reason I found DDlg so appealing was because I realize I'm not the only one suffering, not the only one who's own family has tried to kill, not the only one who's been taken advantage of, ect. I'm becoming more desensitized to it as it happens often.  So I want to give others the care I never received, because I don't want to end up cold and heartless like 95% of my family, and I genuinely enjoy it.

[Little Illy]

The reason I found DDlg so appealing was because I realize I'm not the only one suffering, not the only one who's own family has tried to kill, not the only one who's been taken advantage of, ect. I'm becoming more desensitized to it as it happens often.  

 

This is not a healthy outlook for DDlg. Everyone suffers, everyone has trauma, every kink is almost always pased in some past experience. But to single out a dynamic for this reason, it begins the outlook highly negative.

 

Its not just about knowing yourself, its about UNDERSTANDING what you NEED to do for you and any potential littles. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship in so much that you sound like you have given up on yourself. I wont go into every detail that I have analyzed here as I do believe you should definitely speak to a professional. But what is apparent is you need to care for yourself before anyone can really put their wellbeing in your hands.

 

Even if it seems like we can, if an individual doesn't care for his or herself, they are not prepared to care for someone else long term. It may work in the beginning and it may make you happier. But eventually those things you have surpressed will rear up because they were never dealt with. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment for your upbringing and those who were supposed to help you grow. And you know what, you probably should, I am not here to disagree with you! But, I am also saying you need to make sure you are coping with all of that in a very heathy manner (guided by professionals, not us on the forum). Otherwise... its a ticking time bomb.

 

Don't give up on the dynamic. You seem like you naturally fill this role and it feels right to you. Again, don't give up. But that means don't give up on you and your inner happiness as well.

[Guest Nada3925]

This is not a healthy outlook for DDlg. Everyone suffers, everyone has trauma, every kink is almost always pased in some past experience. But to single out a dynamic for this reason, it begins the outlook highly negative.

 

Its not just about knowing yourself, its about UNDERSTANDING what you NEED to do for you and any potential littles. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship in so much that you sound like you have given up on yourself. I wont go into every detail that I have analyzed here as I do believe you should definitely speak to a professional. But what is apparent is you need to care for yourself before anyone can really put their wellbeing in your hands.

 

Even if it seems like we can, if an individual doesn't care for his or herself, they are not prepared to care for someone else long term. It may work in the beginning and it may make you happier. But eventually those things you have surpressed will rear up because they were never dealt with. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment for your upbringing and those who were supposed to help you grow. And you know what, you probably should, I am not here to disagree with you! But, I am also saying you need to make sure you are coping with all of that in a very heathy manner (guided by professionals, not us on the forum). Otherwise... its a ticking time bomb.

 

Don't give up on the dynamic. You seem like you naturally fill this role and it feels right to you. Again, don't give up. But that means don't give up on you and your inner happiness as well.

I understand what your saying and all.. To me it sounds like I should just give up before I explode. Because I cant afford, nor do I want professional help. I don't have a good experience with that. 

[Guest RoyG]

I understand what your saying and all.. To me it sounds like I should just give up before I explode. Because I cant afford, nor do I want professional help. I don't have a good experience with that. 

 

Yeah, as someone who studied psychology, not everyone is best served by going to professionals who apply a more or less standardized approach to your situation with a rigid structure. Her point of sorting yourself out before you try to care for someone else still stands, though. That isn't a DDLG thing, it's a life thing. It's true that you'll find many people here who've experienced some absolutely deep shit, as that's what shaped us into the type of people to stop caring about what we "should" do in favour of whatever feels good to us, as long as it doesn't harm anyone else. But it should never be the focus of the entire relationship. We share and help each other understand, then we want to move on to have fun with a partner that truly understands and loves every moment we spend together.

 

It sounds like what draws you in here is the fact people have real issues, which you could then try and solve. While it's generally a good thing to be there for people when they're going through something, if it's the core of your relationship it just makes you their therapist. As you adequately described, that's not a great experience, so people move away from that towards someone that makes them feel more happiness.

[Guest Nada3925]

Yeah, as someone who studied psychology, not everyone is best served by going to professionals who apply a more or less standardized approach to your situation with a rigid structure. Her point of sorting yourself out before you try to care for someone else still stands, though. That isn't a DDLG thing, it's a life thing. It's true that you'll find many people here who've experienced some absolutely deep shit, as that's what shaped us into the type of people to stop caring about what we "should" do in favour of whatever feels good to us, as long as it doesn't harm anyone else. But it should never be the focus of the entire relationship. We share and help each other understand, then we want to move on to have fun with a partner that truly understands and loves every moment we spend together.

 

It sounds like what draws you in here is the fact people have real issues, which you could then try and solve. While it's generally a good thing to be there for people when they're going through something, if it's the core of your relationship it just makes you their therapist. As you adequately described, that's not a great experience, so people move away from that towards someone that makes them feel more happiness.

Well what am I supposed to do. I can't run from my problems because, I can't solve them. I'm not trying to be a therapist for littles or otherwise. I genuinely want to have someone who I can devote my time to and care for.. But if the majority of people say I'm not ready to care for some one.. I feel like theres nothing to keep me going aside from slaving away at school which Im loosing passion for. My problems arent solvable right now. I would have to quit college and move away far away. no one wants to be with a deadbeat though. Even that wouldnt solve everything. 

[Guest Saesenthessis]

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Edited March 14, 2019 by Saesenthessis

[Guest RoyG]

Well what am I supposed to do. I can't run from my problems because, I can't solve them. I'm not trying to be a therapist for littles or otherwise. I genuinely want to have someone who I can devote my time to and care for.. But if the majority of people say I'm not ready to care for some one.. I feel like theres nothing to keep me going aside from slaving away at school which Im loosing passion for. My problems arent solvable right now. I would have to quit college and move away far away. no one wants to be with a deadbeat though. Even that wouldnt solve everything. 

 

This is clearly something much bigger than just the question whether you should leave DDLG. Only someone with intricate knowledge of your situation could tell you what to do in your circumstances. From the fact that your problems are apparently all non-solvable in any practical way, I can imagine they're pretty serious. What I want you to do most of all is to find someone you feel comfortable talking to, lower your guard, and see how they don't immediately run away when you just share what you're thinking of.

 

Also, Saes is completely right.

[Guest BabyPeach]

I hope you are able to figure it all out.

Edited April 22, 2018 by BabyPeach

[Little Illy]

I do have to say, your replies nearly seem as if you want us to tell you to give up on DDlg. No one is gonna tell you that here. Sure, my honest opinion is that you aren't in a position to be a Daddy right now - emphasis on right now! - but it's not so black and white that you have to give it up completely. If you don't wish to see a professional, I'd encourage you to really take some time to learn about self-care. Guides online aplenty

 

When I stated you need to discuss this with a professional, I wasn't just thinking of a therapist, just to clarify. As someone who has a Psych degree and has been studying Abnormal Psych for well over 10 years; we cannot help you here. You need to sit with someone who can literally analyze you. Who can sit and discuss the options with you, who can help guide you either to mediation, revelation or simply moving forward. 

 

I do have to agree here - it seems as if nothing we can advise will be appropriate because there already seems to be a direction in your mind. I get the impression that you just don't want to be bothered with working on your problems, just because it is easier that way. ANd there is nothing wrong with that, we all do it! But it isn't healthy for you.

 

We have basically all said to 1. Not give up on the lifestyle because it doesn't seem like that is the root issue here and 2. We are worried for YOUR health and safety, not necessarily only any future partners you have. Yes I personally think you aren't ready for relationship right now (YES you WILL be ready once you are comfortable with these things) but that is my opinion with the little information you have supplied. And I stand by my opinion because I don't want to see you hurt.

 

An issue I see here is that you feel there is absolutely no solution to any of your problems. There seem to be a constant reason as to why X, Y and Z  can't be done instead of thinking of ways they can be dealt with. I'm sure it feels like you've tried everything, but there are legitimate ways to deal with the things you have mentioned. You originally asked for realistic opinions and mine is that you don't want help nor do you want to fix any problems you have. It sounds like you could want 1 of 2 things: 

 

1. Confirm you should get rid of DDlg in your life: This could be because you personally believe you don't deserve to be a part of soemthing that makes you happy. And this could be another way for you to shut out something positive because you are used to negatives. If you are looking of people to give up, the forum wont be the place. A lot of us don't believe in giving up, at least the few I know. This could also be because you're internally afraid the responsibility is too much and instead of admitting it outloud, using the forum is a way to hear it and take it on board. (AGAIN - This is ALL SPECULATION and I am NOT claiming any knowledge over the situation as I am basing this off of the little information in the thread).

 

or 

 

2. You don't feel you are ready or want DDlg and you need the forum to reasure you that it is okay, especially with the details of you past (That we dont know much of, of course). There is nothing wrong seeking out reassurances on the forum as we are a massive support system and we should be utilited. But a the same time, if this is the case, then maybe you dont like DDlg or don't feel ready for it. It could be a case where it is hard to let go of an identity that you believed in and you need that exta support. (AGAIN - This is ALL SPECULATION and I am NOT claiming any knowledge over the situation as I am basing this off of the little information in the thread).

 

I stated it sounded like you could want these two things but here is the point everyone is trying to make - We have no idea what is actually going on. Unless you pick a member, sit down and just lay every little detail out, none of us are ever going to really understand what you are feeling, what you want and what you need. THIS is why I suggested speaking to a professionaly (therapist or other). It sounds like coping skills, motivation and mediation is a big focus on what should be dealt with (Again, realistic opinion). I don't think you are just going to explode and ruin your life or someone else's.

 

There is no doubt that to be able to care for someone else, you need to make sure you are in a position to do so. And, only you know if you are ready or able. No one can tell you but you. And it is important to remember, a relationship is not a reason to step self-help. It is more of a reason to continue and go above and beyound for yourself. If you are at the point of giving up (quiting school and moving), then I, personally, don't think you should involve another person intimately. It isn't fair to them if you are at a point where you just want to forget everything where you are and want to drag them through with that. As a person with plenty of metnal hardships now and over the years, we have a responsibility to know when we should get close to someone and when we need to not use another person as a life raft or a scape goat.

 

However, the rule of thumb for any relationship is that the other person absolutely cannot be the thing that is driving you to live. It's just escapism otherwise.

 

THIS is so important. To be blunt and harsh - it is incredibly selfish to use a person as the sole motiviation for the style in which you live. It isn't fair to put that onto someone, to put that responsibility and liability. I am NOT saying you are trying to do that, I don't know any more details than listed above. I DO agree that it sounds like you may be in a similar mindset. Which isn't all that good.

 

At the end of the day, you have to care about yourself if you want to care for another. Does that mean you have to be perfect or "fixed" (in your eyes or theirs) or have no baggage? No, it just means that a lot think you should be in a safe mental space before introducing a person to the already complex nature of your life.

Edited April 21, 2018 by Little Illy

[Barbiedolly]

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Edited April 22, 2018 by Barbiedolly

[Frog]

I'll answer honestly and realistically. Usually I hold back and resist being blunt because people hate that. As someone who has and has had similar feelings, I'll give my opinion. Take it or leave it; life goes on either way. It will sound mean, but it's not meant that way.

 

This forum will not in any way enrich your life or make you a better person. Not going to lie. It's an online forum full of people you will probably never actually meet in person. If you do, chances are (as in life in general) you won't become BFFs or anything. All you can do here is talk to like-minded people and learn more.

 

Now, I'm not being critical, and I hope you realize that. We can't tell you that you should or shouldn't be here. All I can say is, stay away for a week. To be honest, that goes for any social medium or any online forum. If you're stressing to the point you're asking this, then you need time away. If there's anything I learned in life, it's that Internet sites will not fix you.

 

I hope you don't leave because you seem interested in it. But only you can crawl around inside your head and poke around and see what's hiding in there. Stick around. But for a few days at least, don't login. You need time away because in some form or another, it's stressing you out. You seem like a nice guy, so I hope you stick around.

[baby_k]

I highly recommend to pay good attention to all who have answered above. Really good advice there -even if you would at first feel like everyone is against you and don't get you. Those people really try to help you and give different view points <3

 

Also: what would you do if the little you come across has same issues as you do? What if her problems were excatly as yours? Would you tell her that her problems are unsolvable?

 

To me it seems you are in bit of a dark, desparate place. Given up. But in same time you have reached out, so I think you still have glimpse of hope which is good

 

In life we may feel sometimes totally hopeless, helpless, overwhelmed, giving up, like there is no fix or cure to our problems. That we are totally cornered and run out of options. But those are just feelings and thoughts. They will pass. Thoughts are thoughts, not facts. Feelings are feelings, not facts. Thoughts and feelings change and they also can be changed. Sometimes real change just may take even years as we may not always want to see certain things. Sometimes for example pain or misery is the safe harbour you always return to as you are familiar with them.

 

 

Our own issues often seem as unsolvable but really rare things in life are that. You seem to want to help people but how about you help yourself first?

If you are able to overcome at least some of your issues or find a way to start fixing them, think how much better advice and empathy you can give to others! As then you really know what you are talking about. You know how it feels when you see no options in your life but also how you can slowly start working yourself out from there. You can be the inspiration for someone else.

That would also teach you all sorts of coping mechanisms, ways to create more happiness, selfcare, what different resources there is... You would have huge arsenal of tools and things one can try when solving issues and making life better.

As hardly ever we just immediately come across with perfect solution but we need to try and test many things, evaluate and iterate our approach. Sometimes we will be excited and confident that things will work out, sometimes it just feels we bang our head to a wall. But it is important to notice that all that is mainly part of the process.

[Guest Kaiser]

The pity party is strong with the OP.

 

 

A very big trend on this website.

[Guest Nada3925]

The pity party is strong with the OP.

 

 

A very big trend on this website.

I wasn't looking for pity. I was looking for genuine advice and that's why haven't been on the forum until today and I get greeted with this comment. While I acknowledge that i do want some to care for and vise versa. I was not looking to be pitied by the community. Because that would ruin my chances to get with anyone on here now wouldn't it