My Little Wants to Get Married...

[DaddyDrake]

Hello! I've been reading the advice on this forum for awhile, but I never felt the need to make an account and post anything until now. I hope it's okay to post this. 

 

I've been dating my Little for over a decade, but we were a vanilla couple up until a few years ago. She's been ready for a proposal since we met, basically. I love and adore my Little, and I do want to get married, but I'm just not where I want to be financially. I recently changed careers, and it will probably be a few more years before I am ready to take that step.  

 

This has been a source of occasional friction for years, but it's REALLY causing a strain on the DDLG aspect of our relationship. As her Daddy, I feel that she should trust my judgement. I'm trying to lead and do what's best for her, but every time she brings this up, I feel like my authority is being challenged. The conversations are more heated now, and I think that's a direct result of me feeling like she's disrespecting my position as her Daddy. It feels like I've totally lost control, and it's getting harder to enforce anything or even feel like her Daddy at all. 

 

How can I steer things back in a more positive direction? How can I encourage her to just trust me and let me do what I know is best? How do I maintain control of the situation when she's questioning my ability to lead or make the right choices?  

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[Guest You're adorable.]

Well first, hello Drake and welcome to the forum. And of course it's okay to post this.

 

Now, first of all. I really respect and admire people who can last in relationship as long as you two have. A decade is quite a long time. And I completely understand you. As for me, marriage is something I only considered once, and it was just a fleeting thought that I kicked out of my head just as quickly as it appeared.

 

Anyway, as I said, I understand you. In marriage, love and all the things that go with it is just one aspect of it. And financial stabillity and being comfortable with one's financial situation is absolute must.

Have you told your little about this concern of yours? I mean, if you have been together for 10 years, she should understand that this is important to you and you should be able to come up with some conclusion.

 

As you wrote, it is AFFECTING your DDlg relationship as this problem has not the source in your DDlg relationship but in your 'normal' relationship. And from my understanding, you are feeling out of control everytime she brings up this marriage question.

I don't think that she aims to somehow attack your authority as a Daddy or anything. She just wants to get married, i think.

 

My best bet woud be for you to have a normal, 'grown-up' talk about why you don't want to get married and what your concerns about marriage are. The reflaction this has on your DDlg relationship is your insecurity about the fact that you are not comfortable to enter the marriage yet.

 

I think your future wife will be able to understand your concerns and settle with the explanation that you gave her. Once this has been settled, I think your DDlg relationship will return to normal.

 

If I am mistaken in any part or in any assumption that I made, please let me know.

 

Have a nice day and I hope things will work out for you.

[Guest Arc]

Marriage is a big thing and definitely not something you should rush if you are not where you want to be yet. It's a massive commitment, so you both need to work and adjust around each other. If she is so desperate to be married she can't respect your wishes then I don't think she's ready for marriage. Relationships are two sided. 

 

The thought of "I'm her daddy and I'm losing control" isn't something you should be thinking. I understand that is what your dynamic is like, but this is a topic that is more between equals than daddy and girl. She's disrespecting you as a person by pushing this, and if she doesn't respect your wishes as a person she's not going to care any more about as a partner. 

 

You just need to have the conversation with her and be blunt. If she can't respect that you aren't ready then she sure as hell isn't ready to make that commitment. There's nothing more you can do, honestly. She either respects you as a person or she doesn't. 

[Guest Appacheian]

This is vanilla problem that’s affecting your ddlg relationship too. The reality of everyday life and financial problems that everyone faces regardless. You’ve been together 10 yrs, it’s hardly caught you by surprise. In a perfect world we would like everything in place before we make a big decision though it rarely happens. No one should get married before they feel ready. And equally to understand your partners desire to get married. This needs cards on the table, I don’t think there’s an answer that satisfies both of you.

[Guest BabyPeach]

Little her wants a wedding too! You've been together a long time.  I'm sure she doesn't care about your finances.  Are you sure you aren't using your finances as an excuse to avoid marriage?  Or are you using it as control over her?  Just a few suggestions.  Human beings are complex.  Maybe look deeper into your feelings about marriage.

 

For her, it probably feels like you are never going to actually do it........you'll just keep putting it off for different reasons.  This is something important to her and it has been YEARS.  It's like the carrot in front of the horse that it just can't quite reach.  I would suggest looking at it from her perspective too.

[Child Of Light]

Welcome to the site!

 

A decade is a very long time to be together! You both seem like you have been through a lot together!!!  Congrats to that!

 

I think the marriage desire and DDLG are two separate things and honestly, a need for some women. I want to both be married and in a DDLG relationship with my future husband. I want to be able to say "This is my husband... I am his WIFE <3" (but that I'm also his babygirl). They are the two biggest desires in my life. And without them I feel an empty void. It's likely half her desires are being in place but she also feels empty.

 

I really honestly don't see how it can affect your DDLG relationship. DDLG and grown up topics are two separate thing. Marriage is a grownup talk. Two things two grownups decide what they want or not.

 

You both have to want to get married. It can't be 'forced' -- but you gotta be honest with yourself. Do you ever want to get married? If that answer is even 'maybe' you need to honestly tell her that (and that there is a chance you'll never want to commit). 12 years is a long time to be together and if you aren't ever going to fill her full needs and commit to it.. she should have the choice to decide if she wants to stay or not (and not be strung around).

 

I do empathize with the fact that marriage can be a hard commitment (especially for people with past relationship issues// traumas/ fears etc). But you have been together so long, I bet you two are living together and already doing what married couples do? What is the harm in stating to her "Yes, I want to get married" and proposing-- without giving a set date (it'll at least be a compromise) so she can call you 'my future husband'.

Edited April 18, 2018 by Child Of Light

[Guest BabyPeach]

Soooo true! A proposal with a ring is like a future promise. The ring shows her she's truly yours.

[CaresAlot]

Not being where you want to be financially is not a valid reason to not get married.  Marriage will have no impact on your finances.  If she is any kind of numbers person that excuse will not ring true.  I can see why she is upset, she wants the truth.  

 

“If you look for an excuse, you'll always find one.” 
― Anthony Liccione

[neko]

Why are people being so bitter towards OP? Wanting financial stability before getting married is a TOTALLY VALID REASON not to.

 

Maybe he wants the financial stability so he can afford a big wedding? Maybe he wants the stability so it's one less thing to stress about before planning a stressful wedding?

 

We can only speculate whats going on and calling OP a bad person for not being in, what he considers, the right situation to get married, is absolutely awful.

Edited April 18, 2018 by neko

[Child Of Light]

Why are people being so bitter towards OP? Wanting financial stability before getting married is a TOTALLY VALID REASON not to.

 

Maybe he wants the financial stability so he can afford a big wedding? Maybe he wants the stability so it's one less thing to stress about before planning a stressful wedding?

 

We can only speculate whats going on and calling OP a bad person for not being in, what he considers, the right situation to get married, is absolutely awful.

 

I haven't seen anyone call the OP a 'bad person' (and I don't think he's a bad person) -- we obviously know NOTHING about his relationship other than what he's stated here.However, he has decided to make a private matter between him and his partner; public, on a forum.

 

He's stating his partner is 'overstepping' by pushing wanting to get married and that it's 'not in their place'. I think people here where kindly informing him, that getting married is a TWO person decision (not just one), and that it is her place to express the desires. If he doesn't want to ever get married he should tell her. He should have a open discussion about it. But she absolutely has a right to express her needs.

 

Little's have voices too. It's not disrespectful because she's a little to express her needs.

Edited April 18, 2018 by Child Of Light

[Guest BabyPeach]

He asked for advice and he got it. I don't see anyone being bitter.

[Justin311]

DaddyDrake. First, I would say to isolate your concerns. Second, find out what she really wants. Third, communicate.

You only stated finances as your concerns. Is that all? If so, marriages do not have to be expensive. Typically, you can pull it off for under $100, including the license, filing fees, etc.

What does she want? Does she want an expensive event? Does she just want the vows of commitment? Big or intimate? Finding out these things can clear things up and alleviate some of your financial concerns that may not even be an issue.

Communication is the most important thing in a relationship, second only to trust. She does need to trust your judgement as her Daddy, but it's your responsibility to give her what she needs. Communication can bring those things to light.

Far as steering the conversation in a more positive direction, choose your words carefully. Since marriage requires both of your participation, use "we" instead of "you" or "me". Do this in most cases to avoid conflict. Here is an example: your little is breaking one of your rules. Instead of saying "you need to follow the rules", say " we need to follow the rules." The second is less accusatory, and it shows her that you are right there with her.

My little and I got married. It cost about $5. We bought some fake flowers and ribbon from Walmart for the bouquet. We held the ceremony in my livingroom and my daughter read the vows for us to repeat. Sure, its not legal, but neither of us cared about that, the vows to eachother was what was important.

[princessfreckles]

First, I'm sorry that this is causing a strain on your relationship. Next since it's effecting your Daddy/little aspect of the relationship, I have to ask have you sat her down not inside Daddy/little space and explained the financial expense that a wedding can be and how important it is? I get that you want to give her the wedding that she wants and deserves (you love her after all), however due to career changes and just the cost of living being expensive, it's not feasible right now.

 

Also, in terms of the wedding, what are you wanting? 

Big Wedding? 

Destination wedding?

Small and intimate?

And what parts aside from you two getting married are important?

Dress?

Food? 

Photography?

Flowers?

 

All of those things cost money. A lot of money. I'm a party planner, so while I don't do weddings I know how much catering, flowers, etc cost for an even similar to a wedding. Maybe being more transparent and deciding to work towards the financial side of what you both want in terms of a wedding may be helpful. Keeping the goals in mind and being direct outside of your dynamic may help ease the tension inside of it since you've spoken about it directly adult to adult.

 

I wish you nothing but the best for you and your little/fiance. After ten years, I have faith that you will work it out. 

[Guest infinitecases]

I think that you need to sit down with her and have a conversation outside of the dynamic. When she questions the decision you've made, I'm sure she's merely trying to understand your way of thinking not challenging your authority. There are many times I simply like to know the reasons as to why my daddy has decided upon some things as this helps me to understand from his point of view and therefore try to adjust mine accordingly etc. This is especially prevalent when it comes to decisions that I feel are really important to me or just simply something I am curious about understanding... there are times when accepting a decision made my Daddy instantly isn't difficult per se but I'm a person who likes to know the reasons behind some things just simply to understand instead of to challenge my Daddy, I would readily accept either way unless there is a large problem at bay. 

 

I think that your little may feel that financial problems wouldn't deter her from marrying you. Everyone would like a fairytale wedding and the ability to provide financially once they're married, but this isn't always possible. I think the only largest hindrance would be the ring (unless your little isn't fussy about that but I guess a nice ring is part of a memorable proposal?) and then the actual marriage ceremony itself can be done later. You can just sign the papers and be married officially, ring and all and the ceremony can come when you two have more money. 

 

Not having enough money to marry the way you want isn't always ideal, it probably isn't everyone's dream, but it can be done. If financial problems and your own vision of married life is getting in the way of this decision, just let your little know how it torments you, I'm sure she would understand if you explained it to her, but listen to her side too and maybe come to a compromise between the two of you.

[WanderingWonderland]

This really caught my eye:

 

'How can I steer things back in a more positive direction? How can I encourage her to just trust me and let me do what I know is best? How do I maintain control of the situation when she's questioning my ability to lead or make the right choices?'  

 

I say this very, very gently. No judgement - just my two pence worth from the limited information available.

 

You are approaching this as 'Daddy'. You are warping Power Exchange with a situation that requires two adult equals to sit down together and get the communication channels blown wide open. Strip back the titles, the control, the dynamic - the lot. What are you left with? A partner in pain. A human being who is evidently hurting. That is what needs to be addressed. Fix that - say hello to your positive direction.

 

This is a potential safeguarding nightmare as far as your DD/lg dynamic is concerned. A contention from your relationship in general is snaking its way into your little girl's head and upsetting the balance of things. That means you can't rely on her to act accordingly as Daddy would like her to, because her thoughts and worries are elsewhere. It also means potential punishment and reprimand for your little if she doesn't act accordingly, which wouldn't be fair on her given the circumstances. She's hitting walls and corners no matter which was she turns. You're both frustrated. The air needs to be cleared. A discussion needs to happen. There is possible resentment, doubt and whole heap of hurts bubbling beneath the surface, and until they have been hammered out and dealt with, they will continue creeping in like noxious gas and choking the pair of you. It's cards on the table time.

 

Now I'm not saying 'Get married!' or 'Don't get married!' My opinion on marriage basically falls into the 'meh' box. But I do think you need to clunk your heads together and talk.

 

​Best of luck to you both!

[Helper411]

Not being where you want to be financially is not a valid reason to not get married.  Marriage will have no impact on your finances.  If she is any kind of numbers person that excuse will not ring true.  I can see why she is upset, she wants the truth.  

 

“If you look for an excuse, you'll always find one.” 

― Anthony Liccione

 

actually getting married (in the us at least) definitely affects things financially.  If the two partners have relatively equal pay you can lose a pretty significant amount of money in an increase in your combined tax obligation.  If one partners makes a LOT more than the other it can have significant tax benefits.

[BabyFennecFox22]

To get married is a big decision, and it will affect your lives completely, so in this instance it might be best to step away from the ddlg side of things and have this discussion as adults. You both want something different and its not so small as losing authority over your little. Once you both decide what to do together, then the ddlg side of the relationship should run more smoothly.

 

I agree that getting married can be a pain: it costs money, time, and a lot of preparation, and its a huge leap to take in a relationship, but remember to look at her side of things. She probably understands that you are not ready, but that does not change the fact that she is. Look at the positive side too: if she is ready to marry you, she has decided that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you, and she wants her relationship with you to grow. 

[CaresAlot]

actually getting married (in the us at least) definitely affects things financially.  If the two partners have relatively equal pay you can lose a pretty significant amount of money in an increase in your combined tax obligation.  If one partners makes a LOT more than the other it can have significant tax benefits.

If you read the 2018 tax reform package which I'm sure most of us have, you will find that this has been fixed.  As they were not married in 2017 the old rules will not apply to them.  The marriage penalty has been around a long time.  It has been fixed and put back in a few times as well.  Taxes and finance are part of my knowledge base.

[baby_k]

You should think her side of this: she has been in LONG relationship with someone who seems to clearly tell her that he does not want to commit to her (as marriage is commitment). Seems pretty sad that way, doesn't it?

 

Your profile says you are in your 30's, and I assume she is close to that also. Does she want kids? If yes, she also is in hurry as after about age 35 things get biologically bad. So, if you were someone with commitmentphobia, she would need to get out of the rel she has with you NOW and find new mate who wants to commint and the kids. As good relationships are not just around every corner and takes time to find good partner (for just having kids with someone as you have time limit, well, end result is not always great...).

 

You should not dictate everything and say you are right always because you are a daddy. Specially with thing like marriage that can be a huge deal to some people and really mean a lot. Her opinion is just as valid as yours. No matter if she is little or not.

 

Also: financial issue seems more like an excuse as people above have said (and pretty sure your partner sees it like that also). Marriage does not require good financials, or should we say that poor people should never get married? Having big wedding takes money but that is different from marriage: to get married, one does not need wedding, just go and do the paperwork. (Could be that you want the wedding party of course ) -> think what the actual reason is why you are so worried about marriage? Then communicate with your partner.

 

If you say you want to marry her in the end anyway: you sort of are engaged already (almost). As being engaged is a promase of marriage. So, why not do that now? Just have bit longer engagement if you need to save money for wedding.

 

Bottom line: think what she wants, why she wants and how you can make her happy. As making her happy should be your priority, right? <3

 

 

Edit: typos as usual......

Edited April 19, 2018 by baby_k

[PrincessShannon]

Money comes and goes. Time only goes.

[LittleKitten13]

Well, first off, congrats on being together for so long!  Nowadays that seems to be more rare.

I get that finances are an issue...but you currently have a job, yes?  The question has been asked before, but are you already living together?  If you're already living together, I don't think that finances is a good reason, more of an excuse....  You don't HAVE to have a big wedding.  You could even just "elope" then save up for a big ceremony if that's what you guys really want.

What she hears when you continually say that you're "not where [you] want to be financially" is that you don't care enough or love her enough to make the leap into marriage, and that you're having doubts about the two of you two continuing to work out.  I speak from experience with this.  Even if she knows how much you love her, that is most likely the little thread of fear that sneaks into her heart and upsets her.

Also, I'm not trying to be rude, but just because you're her daddy doesn't mean that you always know what's best or that you need to have complete control of the family.  You both have a say in the relationship.  I may be wrong, but it sounds very much like you are trying to dismiss her desires and basically keep her quiet about what she wants. 

I may be taking this totally wrong, and there may be more to the story that you haven't shared with us, but that's what it sounds like to me.

You need to sit down with her and talk through this like adults, both of you.  Try to get some understanding of why she wants to get married, why you don't, how it makes both of you feel about this disagreement, etc.  And also, even if you don't want to get married right away, are you also balking at engagement?  Because you could be engaged for a year or so and have some time to get wherever it is your wanting to get at financially, while still showing her that you DO want to marry her.

[Guest supermanearthtwo]

Little her wants a wedding too! You've been together a long time.  I'm sure she doesn't care about your finances.  Are you sure you aren't using your finances as an excuse to avoid marriage?  Or are you using it as control over her?  Just a few suggestions.  Human beings are complex.  Maybe look deeper into your feelings about marriage.

 

For her, it probably feels like you are never going to actually do it........you'll just keep putting it off for different reasons.  This is something important to her and it has been YEARS.  It's like the carrot in front of the horse that it just can't quite reach.  I would suggest looking at it from her perspective too.

 

This. 10 Years is a long time out of someone's life.  Do you already live together?