Having a Daddy and a boyfriend. Does it work?

[lilspacebuns]

My boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch but we want to move on and work through things. He's never been my Daddy and only knows a little bit about my kink. We live together and I haven't gotten into littlespace much at all since I moved in. He's not very dominant, doesn't have as much kink experience as I do and I don't think he's really "Daddy Material".

I identify as polyamorous and he knows that I flirt with other guys and send pictures, and recently I've been wanting someone in the role of a Daddy since I miss it so much. I just don't know how to have someone else in my life while trying to fix our relationship and dealing with how he views the men in my life now.

I just want to better myself and have someone to be the authority in my life as well.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

[CaresAlot]

This is like most of the problems on here.  Expectations and communications make or break a relationship.  You are making a lot of assumptions about what he can or can't do.  If he only know a little about your kink then that is not really fair to make those assumptions.  Since you are going through a "rough patch" I can't think of a worse time to bring somebody else into the relationship.  Before you do that, you need to sit down and find out if your boyfriend wants to check this out and see if its something he would like to learn about and try.

 

If its not his thing then this is a major issue.  If being in Little space is important to you then this relationship may not work.  For me, as a guy you flirting or sending pictures is not that big of an issue.  If you have somebody that is going to have control of part of your life that is a problem.  Minor issues can often be solved by compromise.  Major issues there is usually no middle ground and one person is going to get the short end of the stick.

 

Some of the biggest heart breaks in my life were when girls made assumptions and never talked to me about them.  Their assumptions were totally wrong.  If she had sat down and talked for a few minutes it would have saved years of heart break.

[CinderKittens]

Have you really sat down and spoken to him about a DDLG relationship? It sounds like you're just judging based on his day-to-day interactions.

 

Sometimes people will really surprise you, before going off and looking for other men, why not sit down for a couple of weeks and teach him about the things you do/don't like when it comes to DDLG. If you REALLY enjoy being told to go to bed at a certain time then really emphasise that to him. People aren't mind readers and I think if you two work together (and you both really want this relationship) then things will naturally find some order.

[lilspacebuns]

You are making a lot of assumptions about what he can or can't do.  If he only know a little about your kink then that is not really fair to make those assumptions.  Since you are going through a "rough patch" I can't think of a worse time to bring somebody else into the relationship.  

 

First off, I should probably say that I've known him for almost 6 years now and have dated him for almost three. I would say I have a pretty good understanding of what he likes and dislikes. He also works A LOT(regular 16 hour night shifts) and sleeps all day, so I don't feel like being a Daddy to me on top of that would help. And just the fact that he doesn't like people being dependent on him. Also, I'm very aware of the fact that it's not a good time to bring someone else in, especially since the reason were having a rough patch was because he attempted to bring someone very toxic back into his life and it backfired from all sides.

 

Also want to state that I'm not going to go forward with anything until I've had a discussion with him. (Yay communication!)

[lilspacebuns]

Have you really sat down and spoken to him about a DDLG relationship? It sounds like you're just judging based on his day-to-day interactions.

 

I did have a conversation with him when we reconnected after a couple years of being apart(in that time apart I had a lot of the "experiences" that I mentioned in my post and discovered my kinks). He didn't seem into the whole idea and was off put when I pulled out some of my littlespace things. At that point respected that he wasn't into it and didn't bring it up much anymore and haven't been sure how to have that conversation with him again.

[Guest curiousmiddle]

This is like my relationship! My girlfriend is a little, and I'm not a caregiver, so I let her seek out a daddy. I can't give her what she needs, and I don't want her to be unhappy in our relationship. I also don't want to end our relationship because of this. I love her very much, and although this wasn't a dealbreaker for her, I could tell she needed more than I could give. It seemed like a good idea, and so far it's going great. It's not for everyone, though. And that's okay. If he's open to the idea, then sure, I think it would be good for you. Like you said, communication is key. There's no harm in asking about it. If he doesn't like the idea, then that's that. 

 

I wish you the best of luck! 

[Virtual_Daddy]

Jealousy, could be harm your relationship, stay open about feelings. And keep him inform about which guy you're interested in, asking his permission is important too.

 

How about teach him to be poly too, so it would be fair enough? Win-win solution.

[Guest Little Otter]

My boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch but we want to move on and work through things. He's never been my Daddy and only knows a little bit about my kink. We live together and I haven't gotten into littlespace much at all since I moved in. He's not very dominant, doesn't have as much kink experience as I do and I don't think he's really "Daddy Material".

I identify as polyamorous and he knows that I flirt with other guys and send pictures, and recently I've been wanting someone in the role of a Daddy since I miss it so much. I just don't know how to have someone else in my life while trying to fix our relationship and dealing with how he views the men in my life now.

I just want to better myself and have someone to be the authority in my life as well.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

 

OK so I just got out of a vanilla relationship with a little. It's actually how I found out I was a little, everything made sense what was wrong with us. So I'll tell you what she did wrong and I hope that helps.

 

First time she ever tried to get me to be dom, I got home one day from work, walked in the bedroom and shes laying there on her belly naked with a little paddle next to her. And she looks up at me, smiles, and looks over at the paddle with her butt sticking up (sorry if this is a little graphic). I was uh... a little confused and taken aback. I didn't expect this, and having just worked a long day, I was tired, it was super unexpected. I was intimidated. She got upset that I didn't engage. I told her that I was just a little surprised and I didn't know what to do. So she shut down for a bit, didnt try again. Then a month later asked if I knew what DDLG was. I said no. So instead of really talking to me, she shared two articles with me. She told me "Read these and then think on it for a bit then let me know if you like it". I read them, but was really confused. I didn't see anything wrong with it and I wasn't like, turned off necessarily, I just didn't totally understand it. So I did what she asked, I thought on what I read, but I didn't really engage it. Obviously I'm not a dom so it didn't like, strike me the way that MDLB did when I read about that a year later. She didn't try to start a convo or anything, she just said "what do you think?" and I said "Im not sure, I dont totally understand what its about, and Ive never done anythign BDSM related" and she explained some more, but then told me to think on it again and get back to her if Im interested. I didnt. It just fizzled and I didnt really think about it again.

 

This was the wrong way to do it IMO. She shouldve talked me through it all, she shouldve asked me questions and made a real conversation about it. Of course I was intimidated and confused! I hitherto lived a totally vanilla life! So even IF I couldve been her DD, it wouldnt have happened that way. She didnt wanna communicate, she just hoped that reading on it, and a brief synopsis would just spark interest and make me wanna do it. This also after I have told her many times that I have some non-vanilla sexual desires and fantasies, but I have a hard time expressing them and being open with them (some sub stuff, some dom stuff. It felt shameful at the time). So she didnt communicate well enough, or make me communicate. Having been in that relationship over a year she shouldve trusted me enough to know she could make a real convo of this, not just a brief intro and then.... nothing.

 

Fast forward, I became more reserved and confused over time. She tried to engage me as a dom and I didnt respond. She would just shut down. She was always bad at verbal communication, she just assumed if I wanted it she could just come onto me or tell me to do things and Id just do it. In the end she just cheated on me with a mutual friend that happened to be a DD. 

 

Of course, I shouldve been honest with myself. I always had sub fantasies, and I always had this "little kid" inside me (as I used to put it), but out of fear and shame I pushed it down. So it ended in disaster. If she wouldve been more communicative, and goaded me into a real conversation we both probably couldve figured this out 1.5yr in, rather than letting it crash and burn 4yr in.

 

Moral of the story: Don't make assumptions, and COMMUNICATE. Even if its a little uncomfortable.

 

Hope this helps!

[Child Of Light]

Firstly, you say 'he knows your poly' does that mean he's comfortable/ OK with it? There is a line of telling your partner your into doing something and than asking them how they feel about it. It takes two people (or more) for a relationship and making sure everyone feels loved and validated is the key point. My BF wasn't a Daddy Dom and quite a push over. After he found out my interests he took them on as he loved and cared for me. We've compromised on a few things. We've also both grown as people due to it.

[Child Of Light]

OK so I just got out of a vanilla relationship with a little. It's actually how I found out I was a little, everything made sense what was wrong with us. So I'll tell you what she did wrong and I hope that helps.

 

First time she ever tried to get me to be dom, I got home one day from work, walked in the bedroom and shes laying there on her belly naked with a little paddle next to her. And she looks up at me, smiles, and looks over at the paddle with her butt sticking up (sorry if this is a little graphic). I was uh... a little confused and taken aback. I didn't expect this, and having just worked a long day, I was tired, it was super unexpected. I was intimidated. She got upset that I didn't engage. I told her that I was just a little surprised and I didn't know what to do. So she shut down for a bit, didnt try again. Then a month later asked if I knew what DDLG was. I said no. So instead of really talking to me, she shared two articles with me. She told me "Read these and then think on it for a bit then let me know if you like it". I read them, but was really confused. I didn't see anything wrong with it and I wasn't like, turned off necessarily, I just didn't totally understand it. So I did what she asked, I thought on what I read, but I didn't really engage it. Obviously I'm not a dom so it didn't like, strike me the way that MDLB did when I read about that a year later. She didn't try to start a convo or anything, she just said "what do you think?" and I said "Im not sure, I dont totally understand what its about, and Ive never done anythign BDSM related" and she explained some more, but then told me to think on it again and get back to her if Im interested. I didnt. It just fizzled and I didnt really think about it again.

 

This was the wrong way to do it IMO. She shouldve talked me through it all, she shouldve asked me questions and made a real conversation about it. Of course I was intimidated and confused! I hitherto lived a totally vanilla life! So even IF I couldve been her DD, it wouldnt have happened that way. She didnt wanna communicate, she just hoped that reading on it, and a brief synopsis would just spark interest and make me wanna do it. This also after I have told her many times that I have some non-vanilla sexual desires and fantasies, but I have a hard time expressing them and being open with them (some sub stuff, some dom stuff. It felt shameful at the time). So she didnt communicate well enough, or make me communicate. Having been in that relationship over a year she shouldve trusted me enough to know she could make a real convo of this, not just a brief intro and then.... nothing.

 

Fast forward, I became more reserved and confused over time. She tried to engage me as a dom and I didnt respond. She would just shut down. She was always bad at verbal communication, she just assumed if I wanted it she could just come onto me or tell me to do things and Id just do it. In the end she just cheated on me with a mutual friend that happened to be a DD. 

 

Of course, I shouldve been honest with myself. I always had sub fantasies, and I always had this "little kid" inside me (as I used to put it), but out of fear and shame I pushed it down. So it ended in disaster. If she wouldve been more communicative, and goaded me into a real conversation we both probably couldve figured this out 1.5yr in, rather than letting it crash and burn 4yr in.

 

Moral of the story: Don't make assumptions, and COMMUNICATE. Even if its a little uncomfortable.

 

Hope this helps!

 

I'm glad you found your desires. With all due respect, it's a bit rude to only blame her. If my partner did something and than 'shut  down' and got upset from it -- and they didn't know how to communicate their needs, I would of sat down and asked them why they where upset and what they wanted. It takes two people for a relationship. You also blame her for not communicating enough, when you didn't share your desires with her. I think it's very brave of her to even share the links she did to you. That's a huge step in the DDLG. She was trying.

Edited April 12, 2018 by Child Of Light

[Guest Little Otter]

I'm glad you found your desires. With all due respect, it's a bit rude to only blame her. If my partner did something and than 'shut  down' and got upset from it -- and they didn't know how to communicate their needs, I would of sat down and asked them why they where upset and what they wanted. It takes two people for a relationship. You also blame her for not communicating enough, when you didn't share your desires with her. I think it's very brave of her to even share the links she did to you. That's a huge step in the DDLG. She was trying.

Yes thats all very true, hence my coming into this now. I did plenty of reflection on what I did wrong, and why things failed and assessed my shortcomings. My response was tailored to OP tho, who may be in a similar situation as my ex. Ty for the response and insight though.

[Guest 20x]

This is like my relationship! My girlfriend is a little, and I'm not a caregiver, so I let her seek out a daddy. I can't give her what she needs, and I don't want her to be unhappy in our relationship. I also don't want to end our relationship because of this. I love her very much, and although this wasn't a dealbreaker for her, I could tell she needed more than I could give. It seemed like a good idea, and so far it's going great. It's not for everyone, though. And that's okay. If he's open to the idea, then sure, I think it would be good for you. Like you said, communication is key. There's no harm in asking about it. If he doesn't like the idea, then that's that. 

 

I wish you the best of luck! 

This is def not gonna work

[Poisoned Daydream]

This is def not gonna work

 

Wow.  maybe add an exclamation mark on top of it?  You know, she did state that is IS working for her and its not for everyone.

[baby_k]

First of all: communicate with your bf. And then communicate more. And still more.

 

Can you have bf and daddy? Yes. Is your bf okay with that? You need to find out (as based on what you said, it does not seem to be something he has stated to be okay with).

 

As people above have said, you should not assume that he can't be your DD. Even if you know him very well. It would be hurtful from his point of view to assume and never let him even have a change. After HE decides that it is not for him, and only after that imo you can start expressing that you might even want to have SOMEONE else as Daddy (or if you have tried it and it just fails and fails). If you just directly go to "I want to have someone else than you as you are not good enough for that" (as it will sound that, no matter how nicely you put it), it would have most likely really bad impact on your relationship.

 

Also, consider what DD is to you: is it just someone giving structure or does it involve sexual stuff? How much can the DD decide for you? Does his actions affect your bf's life? And so on.

 

If you are going through rough patch, I would not recomend adding people there. First time trying anything polyamorous (/out of ordinary rel pattern) is a HUGEHUGEHUGE thing. It requires s*** tons of talking, discussions, making sure all is good and so on. It also requires a lot of sensibility and respect towards your partner and their worries. And also your worries.

[PrincessKittenCupcake]

I've been on the other side of this, so let me share some perspective...

 

I was "sharing" my partner with a woman who wasn't his girlfriend, per se, but he had known her for over fifteen years. They shared a lot of history and milestones together.

 

She was much more vanilla than I, so he really enjoyed pushing my limits and indulging the kinks of his own that he hadn't been able to explore. We also had a lot of similar interests, talked almost constantly, and just generically got along really, really well.

 

He let us each decide for ourselves how much we wanted to know about each other. He always answered my questions honestly. I knew a great deal about her, but she knew very little about me. Looking back, she was the smart one.

 

It was obvious that I was his favorite, for a lot of reasons, but towards the end, I became obsessed with the differences between me and her. I became very emotional and unstable. I was so focused on the ways she was "better" than me. It didn't matter that he spent most of his time with me or liked me more. I turned into this crazy, neurotic person, anyway.

 

His birthday was the final straw. She was the one that knew all of his friends. She was the outgoing, socialable one. She was the one at the party, and I was the one who was asked not to come. I was devastated. It literally ruined our friendship.

 

Overall, the entire scenario was a lot of work and stress for my partner. Juggling two people with whom you share an emotional connection is very, very difficult. I suppose, in theory, one could have a Daddy that acted more like a surrogate, without all the "feels," but that's hard to maintain for any length of time.

[lilspacebuns]

His birthday was the final

Overall, the entire scenario was a lot of work and stress for my partner. Juggling two people with whom you share an emotional connection is very, very difficult. I suppose, in theory, one could have a Daddy that acted more like a surrogate, without all the "feels," but that's hard to maintain for any length of time.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can definitely relate this, as I've been the crazy neurotic girlfriend and haven't been healthy about my partners other relationship. (And that relationship didn't work of course).

Polyamory is very difficult, but something that can still work and be healthy.

[lilspacebuns]

First of all: communicate with your bf. And then communicate more. And still more.

 

Can you have bf and daddy? Yes. Is your bf okay with that? You need to find out (as based on what you said, it does not seem to be something he has stated to be okay with).

 

As people above have said, you should not assume that he can't be your DD. Even if you know him very well. It would be hurtful from his point of view to assume and never let him even have a change. After HE decides that it is not for him, and only after that imo you can start expressing that you might even want to have SOMEONE else as Daddy (or if you have tried it and it just fails and fails). If you just directly go to "I want to have someone else than you as you are not good enough for that" (as it will sound that, no matter how nicely you put it), it would have most likely really bad impact on your relationship.

 

Also, consider what DD is to you: is it just someone giving structure or does it involve sexual stuff? How much can the DD decide for you? Does his actions affect your bf's life? And so on.

 

If you are going through rough patch, I would not recomend adding people there. First time trying anything polyamorous (/out of ordinary rel pattern) is a HUGEHUGEHUGE thing. It requires s*** tons of talking, discussions, making sure all is good and so on. It also requires a lot of sensibility and respect towards your partner and their worries. And also your worries.

There's a lot going on in this post, and I can agree with what your saying but it seems that there's a lot of opinions and assumptions about my relationship.

First off: communication is the most important and as I mentioned earlier, I'm not making any decisions myself and am communicating to him.

Second, the thing about polyamory is that it's not that "he's not good enough" and I am constantly reassuring him that, this is a huge misconception.

And as I mentioned earlier, I know this is a bad time. Which is why I'm expressing it here, because it's not something that I can make happen.

[Child Of Light]

There's a lot going on in this post, and I can agree with what your saying but it seems that there's a lot of opinions and assumptions about my relationship.

First off: communication is the most important and as I mentioned earlier, I'm not making any decisions myself and am communicating to him.

Second, the thing about polyamory is that it's not that "he's not good enough" and I am constantly reassuring him that, this is a huge misconception.

And as I mentioned earlier, I know this is a bad time. Which is why I'm expressing it here, because it's not something that I can make happen.

 

I think poly is much different than having someone be a Daddy figure.DDLG is very intimate and likely the most intimate part of my romantic relationship.If I were to have someone else be my Daddy or even take over the authority role, for me, personally -- it would take away the amazing bond I have with my partner. The fact that you have to reassure him of the poly -- is showing he's not fully comfortable with it in a whole.

Edited April 12, 2018 by Child Of Light

[Guest Kaiser]

Everyone is afraid to say it, so I will..

 

The OP is doing what my American friends call "monkeybranching".

[lilspacebuns]

Everyone is afraid to say it, so I will..

 

The OP is doing what my American friends call "monkeybranching".

I've never heard an American say that, and that's some BS. My life is my life and you can leave if you wanna spread some hate.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

In the time I have been here, I've only heard of this working successfully once. The member was poly and had several long distance partners, as well as a live-in fiance. Unfortuntely, that member hasn't been around for a while.

[Guest SugarNSpiceSam]

I'm simply putting this out there. I have a boyfriend and he's also my Daddy. We both so happened to work together and both want the same type of needs and both of us are satisfied. If one day he happened to change his mind or something, I'd stay anyways because I love him very much. As we both were getting to know one another we both opened up to one another and talked deeply about things. Both of us were open and honest with each other which I found to be rare because my past relationships hid a lot from me which made our relationship rough. If anyone is unhappy and it doesn't seem to work out for you, just talk with them or try to find a solution to the problem. My boyfriend was open with himself how he was open about this kind of thing and one day I ended up telling him the truth. At first I didn't tell him because I'm deeply shy and didn't know how to tell him. I'm glad I ended up telling him though.

[Guest domdaddy38]

Everyone is afraid to say it, so I will..

 

The OP is doing what my American friends call "monkeybranching".

Exactly what it is.  She will leave the original guy for the new guy if he is better.

[Guest PrincessMim]

i mean it sounds like your current bf isn't what you want or need right now.. It's your life but i'm not sure adding other people to the mix is gonna help him feel secure in your relationship and make you guys able to fix it.. Maybe fix it and then introduce it if you decide you really must have him as only a bf in your life.