Projecting

[Little Illy]

*waves* Hiya, everyone. This topic is going to be short and sweet (maybe... relatively speaking), but slightly controversial. Please remember I am not saying each person does this nor do I assume *you* are who I am talking about. This is a general piece. And, as always, for the sake of saving space and time, I will only use DDlg titles, though of course this is not to discredit any other role or identity.

 

 

Baggage

 

For every single relationship in existence, there has always been baggage and this is because DDlg isn't special enough to be the only people who are suffering from issues. However, the DDlg dynamic (in my opinion) is one of the most in-depth, and intimate relationship out there. The amount of trust and communication and exposure to not only partake in this dynamic is extreme, but so is the battle against stigma. And if you add all of this together with the fact it is a BDSM/Kink dynamic that puts one or both partners in a vulnerable nature, then you get a very complex and daunting relationship/identity. 

 

Because of all of the above, the DDlg lifestyle is actually very attractive to people who carry baggage as it is. People with mental issues, physical disorders, etc tend to feel comfortable with a Caregiver or Dominant to look after them or the responsibility of a little to ground them. The DDlg dynamic is massively helpful for those to feel comfortable with themselves and their baggage. A lot of littles I talk to explain that, well, being a little is a way to cope with their past traumas or current issues. And, as a little, I agree!

 

So... the point?

 

When you have a dynamic with so much baggage (and actually, almost all BDSM dynamics reflect that. But of course nto all of them!) then of course you are dealing with people who may have personal issues; Depression, Anxiety, Jealousy, Insecurity, Low Self-Esteem, Bi-Polar, Anger, etc. And of course many physical issues as well. There is NOTHING WRONG with having personal issues, hell I more than understand. I am going to highlight my own to explain: I have 5 chronic pain issues that forced me out of my career, I can't have children even though I've wante them since I was 10, I have depression, insecurity, no self-esteem and anxiety. And I know for a fact these all play a part in my relationship. Why? Because they are a part of WHO I AM. So there is nothing wrong that I have this baggage. It has made me who I am today.

 

However, with the baggage, I have the responsibility to take ownership of my issues and learn to handle them properly. And most importantly, I have to be sure to never, never, use them as a weapon against Daddy.

 

 

Working Together

 

As my partner, I have entrusted Daddy to be a part of my life. This means I have had to explain my issues (and there are more) to him and explain how they affect me. Daddy of course did the same in turn, and this is what you would expect from anyone entering any type of relationship that the two people wnated to last. Yes? Yes.

 

So let me take an example, my insecurity. I don't understand how Daddy loves me the way I am. I think I am this negative thing, that negative thing, etc. But Daddy loves me and shows me daily. Do I believe him... well... logically of course. But emotionally I still react as someone with severe insecurity and sometimes it hurts me and/or Daddy. That is just life, we are all human and we all have feelings. Sometimes those things out of our controll hurt.

 

Now... Daddy is very confident. Don't get me wrong, he has his moments, but he is confident. So he doesn't have nearly as much insecurity as I do. And I am happy for him... most of the time. See having issues that your partner doesn't can be very difficult. You can look at them and think 'well isn't it nice that it is just so easy for you???' Or "I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Just leave me and be with someone better" and so much more. And having those thoughts, though normal, can be hard to deal with. And that is where I have been seeing some frightening behaviors.

 

 

Projecting - Unfair and Destructive

 

When you have an issue and see someone excelling because they don't have said issue, it can start leading to animosity or even resentment. This is, unfortunately, a normal reaction for some cases (not all, obviously). When Daddy gets to sleep in very little but I have to die of heat because I must be covered, yeah, I start thinking murderous thoughts those nights! (Jk, I just hate heat that much!) But as the person who has these issues, it is MY responsibility that I do not allow them to hurt someone else directly. And that is to make sure I don't project my issues onto someone, aka Daddy.

 

In my case, projection would be something like:

 

"Daddy, shouldn't you put a shirt and pants on? Why the hell do you  have to just walk around like that? No one wants to see someone almost naked."

 

What that translate to is:  

 

"Daddy, I hate that you can walk around in just boxers. I can't stand that I can't do it myself. No one wants to see me like that, and you remind me of it every time you aren't dressed like me.

 

You see how my insecurity has now projected on Daddy and I started attacking him? You don't think something like this will happen? That example is real life, that happened before Daddy and I had our Adult-to-Adult conversation (very early on). 

 

When a partner projects onto the other, it is almost always an attack even if it is unintentional. We do this, as humans, as a defense mechanism. And we don't realize how rude or how deep we are cutting until our mental anxiety is over. I didn't realize I had attacked Daddy until later that night. I apologized and Daddy understood... but what happens if it doesn't work out next time? Or the next?? When can a partner say "Enough!" and walk away?

 

Projecting personal problems will ultimately lead to a failed relationship. The only real solution is two steps:

 

1. Discuss Your Issues With Your Partner! The only way to get over any issue is to work on it diligently. And if you are in a relationship, your parnter HAS TO KNOW that this is what you are doing. Put aside ALL of the communicational necessities and you still have to discuss because otherwise, your partner isn't going to know why you are angry withe them. They can see the projection as real criticisms or real distress. This will lead downhill and so on. Discussing your mental and physical issues/restrictions is what will lay a foundation that fosters a healthier experience for both of you.

 

Not wearing a shirt and pants is my trigger? Daddy now understands this and makes even more effort to show that I could easily go without and he would be 100% happy (and not just sexually). 

 

I snap when I am feeling insecure (in the beginning of the relationship) and project it onto Daddy. Daddy now knows why and can look at me and honestly say "are you projecting." It has become our code (for both when needed) and it will make me actually think and realize what I have done.

 

This has allowed Daddy and I to work through so many potentially dealbreaking issues that we both have. We can see where the other is coming from, we can see when the issues are raging and it has allowed us to help each other. All thanks for discussing it together.

 

2. Realize They Are Your Partner, Not Your Enemy! You should never want your parnter to have the little evil voices in their head like you have in yours. Just because you suffer from an issue doens't mean there needs to be an even score. Projecting your issues could actually cause your parnter to succumb to them. After so many times of being criticized with a specific issue, your partner will start to believe you. And why wouldn't they?? You are the one they trust and if you say something is wrong or bad so many times, they will start to believe it. And worse... they will start to doubt their own beliefs. So think a second - that mental issue you that makes you insane, cry, upset, angry, hate yourself, hate the world, or any other feeling it makes you experience... do you want your partner to suffer that as well??

 

What brought about our discussion about my insecurity was the fact that... Daddy was starting to not like the way he looked. He asked me if I actually even found him attractive and if that I wasn't pretending because I loved his mind just as much as him physically. That fucking killed me. Daddy shouldn't start to dislike himself because I don't like myself. Why would I ever want that for him?! I wouldn't. Ever.

 

But that is how dangerous projecting really is. You aren't helping yourself mentally when projecting, you are tearing other people down to the same level. You can actually GIVE someone an issue (anxiety, low self-esteem, etc) when you project. 

 

 

Communicate

 

We all know that no one ever means to tear someone down (at least no one we want on this forum, let alone in our community). But as the one with problems, we have the duty to make sure we keep things in check as much as we can. Even if that is just letting the other realize what is going on. I am not saying you need to fix yourself before getting in a relationship. I am not saying that you need to divulge everything and anything right off the bat.

 

I AM syaing, there needs to be clear communication with negative emotions you exeperience. Otherwise the partner has no idea what is going on. Projecting is very hard to catch as it is happening - typically you are so caught up in your feelings and being defensive that it is hard to recognize. And that is for anyone. So the best move to help promote a healthier relationship is to inform your parnter. Like Daddy and I did - I can rarely see if I am projecting, but now that Daddy knows, he doesn't take offense. Instead he tries to help me figure out what is going on with me mentally. And because of this, I am now able to walk around my apartment in just a thin t-shirt and small shorts verses a thick t-shirt, pants, and socks. It is a small achievement, but because Daddy knows of this, and realized when I am triggered into an insecure state (seen by me projecting) we are able to talk me off the ledge, as it were. And thus progress is being made.

 

And of course! Daddies have these problems too! They need to communicate just as much. For example:

 

Daddy frequently tells me I shouldn't post a thread, comment or example of us because he is afraid I am going to cause waves, hurt someone's feelings or get in trouble with Mods/Admins. But what he is actually doing is projecting the fact he doesn't want our dirty laundry or personal details all over the forum (disclaimer - any examples I ever use with Daddy, I have his permission). This is a LEGIT concern, but when Daddy says I am going to hurt someone's feelings or get in trouble it makes me question if I am being helpful or hurtful. And it actually worries and makes me upset that I could be doing bad things. Once Daddy discussed this with me, it was all made clear and it went away with a simple sign of respect - I ask Daddy if I can use X, Y, and Z. And only use the ones he is okay with. 

 

The Adult World

 

Projecting is a textbook defense mechanism. But to be a successful adult, we need to realize that situations never call for projection. Doing so only make things worse as now both parties feel attacked and unheard and the spiral downwards continues. 

 

To battle projection, you need to choose your partners carefully so that you are with someone you're comfortable opening up to. Otherwise there will be a string of failed relationships. Ever feel like you only attract that one kind of person? That could be due to projection. Do your relationships fizzle out due to the same reasons over and over? You all were great in the beginning but towards the end you only faught? I betcha there were a ton of projected issues being thrown around. And why does this split people up? Well... how beneficial is "No, you are!!!" mentality? Because that is what projection can be crudely described as. 

 

Projection doesn't work in the adult world. And if it seems like it is, there is a lot of happiness missing from one or both parties. No one likes to argue over and over about the same thing. And this is not a means of resolving any issue, whatsoever. So there is no resolution, only accusations and frustration.

 

 

Overall

 

At the end of the day every single person has an issue or a few. There is nothing to prevent this, we all live Life and therefore we have problems. That is normal and never bring yourself down because of it. But just remember they are YOUR issues. Your partner can help you work through them, but they should never be in a position where they take on your issues out of your frustrations. Communication will be key to progression, but most importantly, so will picking the right partner. Find someone who you are comfortable with and can be honestly open, otherwise there is no avoiding projection. 

 

And in the end, you will be happier resolving said issues instead of foisting them off on someone else.

 

 

 

[Author's Note: I have not proofread or edited this piece. Please excuse any typos or errors. Thank you.]

Edited April 7, 2018 by Little Illy

[Guest ScorpioBeastWolf]

It is a great beautiful post. So, every important to keep in the mind what the other might feel. Always best to see first self in the position and see how words feel. Yes, communication so very important and in ddlg D/S lifestyle it becomes more important as this relationship holds so much more beauty. Loved reading your post and if something more strikes to me, I will surely write them out. By the way thank you for coming up with this topic.

[Guest ScorpioBeastWolf]

COMMUNICATION - - -

 

From the first steps, you should be talking with your partner about everything from hopes and dreams to needs and desires. You need to be on equal footing for these conversations and you should never be afraid to share your thoughts with them. If you don't trust them enough with what you have to say, then you are not ready for a D/s relationship and should try to back off a bit until you are. Communication will become the cornerstone and you will learn to be very good at it!

[Little Illy]

COMMUNICATION - - -

 

From the first steps, you should be talking with your partner about everything from hopes and dreams to needs and desires. You need to be on equal footing for these conversations and you should never be afraid to share your thoughts with them. If you don't trust them enough with what you have to say, then you are not ready for a D/s relationship and should try to back off a bit until you are. Communication will become the cornerstone and you will learn to be very good at it!

 

 

You are absolutely right. Which is why I had written a post on Communication a little bit ago. It covers everything and I didn't feel like repeating it here Here is the thread: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/28037-communication-is-vital/ (SFW)

[Guest blue_y]

Thank you for posting this. 

 

I have seen how projecting can hurt relationships, and I think you've dealt with it beautifully on how to help and limit negative projecting. As you eluded to, projecting isn't necessarily something only littles are prone to do. I identify as a CG in the cg/l dynamic, and I know for a fact that sometimes my own insecurities and past issues can affect my relationships with others (both romantic and platonic). We all have our own burdens to carry. 

[Guest Little Otter]

This is a great post, and I think an important topic.

 

I suffer a host of issues as well, and sometimes it gets difficult not to project. Within this dynamic, abandonment and inadequecy are high, for me. Though mdlb has helped immensely with my depression and anxiety. I projected a little bit with Mommy last nite and I totally didnt mean to. Its good to remind ourselves whats our own issue, and whats a legitimate issue.

 

Ty for all the effort in this post, I hope everyone reads it! <3

[RavenclawPrincess]

So well written, as always! I love the way your posts always are on really important topics that people don't talk about often but need to. Thank you for putting a spotlight on these issues and being an amazing resource for everyone!

 

@Everyone else: Go read all of Illy's threads. Always a helpful and interesting read and I SWEAR she knows everything lol

[Little Illy]

your posts always are on really important topics that people don't talk about often but need to.

 

What can I say, I specialize in the controversial topics, apparently

 

But I don't believe in ignoring something just because it is hard to talk about. Which is probably why I write on touchy subjects - someone needs to be blunt. Might as well be me

[Cybunny]

This is such a great post!! You're absolutely right, it's ok to have baggage but it's how you handle it that can make or break a relationship. I don't project very much but I do take things out of context in a bad way a lot and I'm working on that before I persue a relationship. Thank you for making this post!

[Little Illy]

This is such a great post!! You're absolutely right, it's ok to have baggage but it's how you handle it that can make or break a relationship. I don't project very much but I do take things out of context in a bad way a lot and I'm working on that before I persue a relationship. Thank you for making this post!

 

Thank you! And you are right, it is absolutely okay to have baggage!  But we must learn how to function with said baggage!