Advice regarding little still in contact with ex daddy

[jad2018]

Hi,

 

I've been involved in D/s but new to being a DD.

 

I now have a little and our situation is complicated but works for us. She has much more experience than me in this dynamic.

 

Her ex DD broke up with her at the end of last year and we met each other recently towards the start of February.

 

She still messages him daily (as friends) and recently met him for a drink to get closure since the exact nature of their break up was unknown to her, this I supported since closure is important.

 

Basically I'd like to know what others think...

 

It's complicated further in that when they were together he'd only message her over basically snapchat which obviously destroys the messages once read.

 

Is this contact normal? Would you seek to put an end to it? Would you state contact must only be over a medium that doesn't destroy messages?

 

I really like her but I find it difficult to come to terms with this contact at the moment and any voices of experience would be appreciated!

[Guest Georgia-Daddy2]

In MY personal experience it takes more than a month or two to get over someone. I actually broke up with a little and found a new one way to quickly and I hurt us both. It's a shity scumb bag feeling. Also break ups take time to slowly stop loving that person. There may still be some feelings there (truthfully I don't know). I would ask her to keep it somewhere that doesn't destroy messages. I know I get uncomfortable with my subs being out with guys because of personal experience. You should think about how much you trust her to do the right thing for your relationship. If you trust her a lot and she hasn't violated your trust let her do things her way knowing you are there for her. Good luck in figuring it out.

[Guest PrincessMim]

Realized I clicked on a caregiver topic and maybe you're not that interested in what a middle has to say :3 if so ignore me , please :#xd

I also don't want to worry you because it's super possible that she just wanted closure and they really are friends now. But speaking from  MY MIDDLE experience,  being told to only message where the messages don't get deleted, bratty me just deleted the things you wouldn't like off my phone instead of talking about them... Then again depends on how much control she likes you to have over her interactions. Really depends on your sub and the trust you guys have, but i know with my daddy such contact would not fly and I get that.

Good luck to you guys

[Daddydompdx]

Major RED Flag! Messages her ex everyday?!!

uses an app that erases those messages?!!

Not good man, not good at all. You know already since you have doubts and posting here.

Im sorry, I know what its like to be deceived.

[Guest BabyPeach]

Some people choose to remain friends with their ex.  It's completely normal.  If he was still romantically involved with her, she wouldn't have sought you out.  Now, I don't know your situation, but the only thing I can think of that would make the situation weird is if you support her financially in any way.  Women do use men for money.

 

Also, you can't try to "put an end to it" as you don't have the right to tell her who she can or can't be friends with.

[Guest Naturalselectionissexy]

Ummmm... Really? We are clearly on opposite sides of the spectrum because that would never work or be even remotely acceptable. You are getting played! How on Earth do you even justify that situation? She should be dropped faster than a hot potato. It wouldn't phase her one bit because she already has her man.

[Guest daddy_zach]

Major RED Flag! Messages her ex everyday?!!

uses an app that erases those messages?!!

Not good man, not good at all. You know already since you have doubts and posting here.

Im sorry, I know what its like to be deceived.

 

I can only echo the RED FLAG warning here.  Their behaviour is not cool and very suspicious !

 

I think you may have gotten involved with each other, way too soon after the break-up with her Ex.

It's highly likely that neither have stopped having feelings & interest in the other.

Edited February 22, 2018 by daddy_zach

[ILikeTheSummer]

Major RED Flag! Messages her ex everyday?!!

uses an app that erases those messages?!!

Not good man, not good at all. You know already since you have doubts and posting here.

Im sorry, I know what its like to be deceived.

ehmm i'd say him wanting to read private messages is a RED flag

Jealousy and Mistrust is a bitch but she can text whoever she likes and you shouldn't need/want to control that much less read her messages?! common Snowden taught us better

 

Talk to her whats up and either believe what she says or don't

[DaddyHudsonValleyNewYork]

Your girl went on a date with her ex and you're asking us if it is ok. No, it is not ok 

 

Your girl talks to her ex daily, not it is not ok.

Edited February 22, 2018 by DaddyHudsonValleyNewYork

[ILikeTheSummer]

you can be friends with an ex, you can go on a friendly date with an ex, you can hang out with an ex.

you don't need to be in love with them for that.... the basis for a relationship should be friendship and love... one of those can end while the other still goes on...

 

one sided stories always only tell one side... i know that if someone tried to read my messages regardless of who they were to i wouldn't let them that's crazy... and if someone tries to tell me i can't hang out with someone that'd be it... that's actually some of the things listed on the "abusive relationship" thread on here

Edited February 22, 2018 by ILikeTheSummer

[kittyboo]

It's really not up to anyone else to say whether it's okay or not, the question is whether you are comfortable with it? I'm assuming not since you are posting about it but you can't demand that she stops talking to him or what platform she uses to talk to him as that is just controlling behaviour. She may use Snapchat as that's how she's always communicated with him or because that's what she is comfortable using. I suggest that you talk to her, air your concerns and see what she says. She may offer to cease contact with him herself, but it's not up to you to tell her to do that. When you break up with someone it can be hard to just cut them out of your life completely, so the communication may just fade away on its own after a while. You either trust her or you don't.

[jad2018]

Thanks for all the replies so far. I do get that it's about trust and I do trust her. I can trust her and feel a little uneasy with it at the same time.

 

Just to clarify some things :

 

 

The app in question is not snapchat but an app that offers a "burn after reading" setting which is currently enabled as a rule under which her ex daddy would speak to her. It's his requirement not necessarily hers. Everything would remain the same app, look and feel etc just to turn the setting off.

 

Abusive is harsh. My little would accept and follow any request and is for TPE. It would make any requirement to read messages or change her contact parameters okay for our dynamic but I appreciate it's not for everyone.

 

That being said, I want to make sure I do the right thing by her and not just the easiest thing.

[ILikeTheSummer]

you making her turn that setting off is already an invasion into her privacy... it's her phone, her messages... you have nothing to do on there

if you want TPE then do that but it doesn't sound at all like that is what your dynamic is... so if she doesn't agree to that yes invasion of privacy is abuse

[jad2018]

If this were just D/s with TPE. This wouldn't even be a conversation.

 

She's already offered to let me read messages (generically but obviously impossible in this case, and fwiw, I haven't) and already said if requested she'd cease contact.

 

Just because she would do what I asked doesn't mean I should ask her. This is succinctly why I'm here.

 

I do appreciate the advice and thoughts from you and everyone else but to call it abusive is wrong.

[Littlest_Bee]

So, this is obviously a difficult situation and the nuances can be hard to get across.

 

In my opinion, if the "burn after reading" option is something she used because of the rules her ex made for her then her ex needs to be informed if she switches that setting off and follows new rules for their conversations.

 

In case there are still feelings between them it would send a clear signal but the thing is even between friends there can be things that are shared in confidence.

 

If my friends think private messages are reaching only me then sharing something from these messages is something they would need to agree to. To me it's about their privacy and comfort level as much as my own.

 

That being said, since you said that "the exact nature of their break up was unknown to her" I guess the break-up wasn't her decision. I think it's good that you supported her getting closure. But the question is: Did it work?

Because if I imagine being in that position I think my feelings would be very complex and it could easily influence my relationship with a new partner.

 

Communication is important at any stage but especially when things are difficult.

 

Now to answer your specific questions:

 

 

Is daily contact with an ex "normal"? It probably isn't "normal" because it's not something the majority of people do especially right after a break-up. No.

(Edit: But D/s relationships aren't "normal" in that sense either, yet it's something most people in this forum see as important and fulfilling.)

 

Would I seek to put an end to it or state that their contact needs to be documented so I can check up on it? Well, I'm more submissive but I've seen a lot of people stay friends with an ex or rekindle a friendship a bit after their break-up so I wouldn't necessarily see it as threatening to my relationship with someone regardless of the contact medium they use. As others have said before me: It is possible to have a friendship with an ex.

 

She seems to have been open with you so far. I mean she did tell you about them having been together as more as friends before. So why should she sneak around your back about other things? And offering to give you as much control as she did does indicate that she wants to make sure you are happy with what's going on.

 

I've been called naive a lot but generally when you trust people they want to prove you right. So make sure you send the right message with your actions. Show her that you trust her and are reliable and trustworthy. Show that you aren't threatened by her past because your future together will be better.

 

That's my two cents on that. I hope it makes sense.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Gândi_Bee

[EriSol211]

Ok so Im a little speaking from experience in sort of the same situation. I was dating someone at the time and I started to become close with my friends boyfriend. Now clearly I know its wrong to cheat, but neither of us were happy in our relationships (yes i know thats not an excuse but its too late now). We started messing around and we talked on snapchat for a month before he broke up with my friend. Now everyone in this equation got hurt including me and my now daddy. Both our exes found out we cheated and we lost a lot of people from our lives (people i didnt really care to lose anyways) but regardless we both did something wrong. So going strictly off of my experience and the infromation you provided, Id say be ready to get hurt because if there is something going on they're gonna do everything they can to hide it.

[Guest infinitecases]

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag for her to be friends with her ex, in many cases, lots of people are fine with that (although I wouldn't be so I can see where you're coming from.)

 

Letting her get closure for her past relationship was good on you however, now that she's gotten this, what is she still getting from that friendship that she holds so dear? Perhaps just ask her this especially since she said she would stop communicating with him if you asked. If it's making you uncomfortable, and they're simply friends and nothing more, I would expect that she probably knows that, somewhere down the line, she's going to stop talking to him someday. 

 

Also!! On the topic of changing the settings for her messages so they don't delete, I think this is perfectly fine. Some people say this is jealousy or mistrust.. but the way I see it is that it's a form of reassurance. I willingly let my Daddy read all my messages if he ever wants to (which he never does.. but the option is there) - I also tend to save all messages on any apps that allow for deleting. Checking their messages excessively and obsessively would be seen as mistrust but if it's just a thing you can do if you ever really need to, I don't see what's wrong with it.

 

Just let her know how her keeping in contact with her ex is making you feel and if she still chooses to keep in contact with him, ask her whether he is still an important factor in her life or just how she regards him. 

[Littlest_Bee]

Ok so Im a little speaking from experience in sort of the same situation. I was dating someone at the time and I started to become close with my friends boyfriend.

I'm sorry, Erisol, but I just don't see how that could be seen as "sort of the same situation" at all. I've been mulling it over a while now and wondered if I should say something again. I can't fathom why so many people don't trust the description we were given here:

 

She and her former DD were broken up (for whatever reason) when she got to know Jad2018.

 

She's still friendly with her ex and has a lot of contact. She offered to let her new DD monitor all contact and she said she would show everything that was going on between her and her ex up to this point if it hadn't all been deleted. She's even willing to break off all contact if that would be better for her current relationship.

 

Why do people who don't know her keep assuming she's lying and cheating?

 

She's been in an intimate relationship and she's likely the one who has been left.

It's been recent enough that it's hard for her to let go completely but her priorities are pretty clearly on the new relationship.

 

Whatever makes her hold onto the connection with her ex, she seems to know that it's a difficult and unusual situation for everyone involved and she's trying to make the best of it.

 

Some break-ups are messy. Sometimes, people don't want to cut ties with someone for various reasons e.g. maybe they know that the other person has mental health problems - and even if it's just because there are some leftover feelings that doesn't mean they'll have to act as more than simply as friends.

 

I absolutely get that people have made their own experiences and having your trust abused by someone who lies and cheats is horrible, I've been there, but I'd rather be thought of as naive than let those things poison a new relationship.

 

There's a reason courts operate with the assumption of "innocent until proven guilty" (and even then people get wrongly convicted).

There's a reason we should give people the benefit of doubt.

There's a reason why communication is so important for relationships.

 

 

 

Alright, sorry if this was a bit of a rant. In part I'm trying to wrap my head around the reasons so many people jump to conclusions that don't seem justified to me but I'm pretty sure that people have felt the same about my own conclusions in the past.

[Lilkitten12]

When my Daddy and I broke up last year it was mutual and he ended up finding someone relatively quickly and I think at first she was ok with us talking but eventually it really got to her and we had to choose to limit contact because I didn’t want to hurt his new relationship and also because I found it was causing my own relationship status to become stagnant.

I don’t want to jump to the conclusion that she is abusing you or playing you but I think if it makes you uncomfortable it would be ok to work towards not having daily contact.

I don’t know how long she dated him but I was with my ex for 18 years and breaking up was very difficult for me- it totally rocked my whole foundation and I think this particular type of dynamic makes a breakup even harder because it is such an intimate dynamic based on total trust of your partner.

I think I was telling myself we were just friends and we never ever did anything sketchy but in the end it wasn’t healthy for either one of us.

I’m sure with her eventually things will fade out too- my dynamic was heavily tied into D/s as well so breaking that mold and learning to be out on my own was tough too- neither of us felt it was something I could just do cold turkey- it took a substantial amount of time to mourn and heal

Edited February 26, 2018 by Lilkitten12

[jad2018]

Again, thank you everyone for your thoughts.

 

I don't believe for one second she's doing anything deceitful or sneaking around behind my back as it were. I do trust her entirely. Naturally, I think, that still leaves some discomfort though.

 

Part of me thinks "that setting" is part of her rules with her ex and so it should go now but equally I'm pretty sure making that request is tantamount to requesting she block him since I'm pretty sure he'll cut contact without that setting.

 

I don't want to enforce a contact break on her and I know also that the setting annoys her too. One could argue its up to him to decide but ultimately it still forces the issue irrespective of whose choice it becomes.

 

The setting is a property of the conversation so he'd be informed as soon as it was changed so it's not like he wouldn't know about the change etc. Eg he wouldn't have the false impression it was still set.

 

It's difficult really. I'd really quite like to have the reassurance of being able to read the messages even if never taken but equally as I said that's likely to lead to him breaking contact which may hurt her and definitely not what I want.

 

I think putting her first she's shown no reason for me not to trust her and every reason why I should so for now at least I should just leave things be and simply trust her.

[baby_k]

I'd give the normal advice: talk with her. She is anyhow an adult.

 

Insecurities are quite normal in relationships and best way to deal with them is just to talk about them until they disappear or some solution  is found.

 

You don't have to ask her to change the setting of the app or anything. In someways she should not put you into position where you have to  as that is sort of breaking her privacy and dictating her friends: it is better the person giving those things voluntarily and without asking -> there will not be any resentment or blame in any way. Thou: I might act just like she is and offer that same thing but after thinking it by myself do the change the setting myself without asking. Or explain why I'm not too keen on changing it.

 

Talk on how you feel, how she feels, why she talks with her ex and so on. Just don't be judgemental or pressuring. But those conversations can really take your relationship to new level as you are sharing your vulnerabilities but also respecting her and her life, privacy and so on. Or done poorly and in aggressive manner, it can of course also damage the relationship. But do it in kind way, you will learn to talk about difficult issues with each other. So, I would see this as nice opportunity to become closer and more intimate

[RavenclawPrincess]

Personally, I would NEVER have private contact with another Caregiver that my daddy couldn't check up on if he wanted to. It's an issue of respect and honesty. If they really are just friends and this point that's alright if you're cool with it but you should be able to monitor what's going on as you see fit so you know without a doubt that she doesn't have anything to hide from you. If she cares about your feelings you two should be able to talk things over and work it out accordingly without things blowing up.

[Guest littleonexox]

I'm curious how this turned out. I also don't understand why a rule he made for their relationship was still being enforced after he dumped her.

[Dark1927]

I'll add my two cents, as Daddy with an ex who went on to new relationship (vanilla) (I did not), that every now and then I want to contact her and still have desires for her, but guess what? In this situation she decides, so, i'm sure her ex Daddy might be trying to get in her pants again but i'm also sure that she is the one saying no, she was honest, she offered you all the information and you are ok to feel the way you feel, if she is also submissive she might be waiting for you to put your foot down, I think you are doing right by giving her time to figure why he left her (yes he left her), that will help her figure herself out, but she needs new rules, and even if you don't care about reading her stuff maybe that setting should go away as a rule, and if her ex will stop talking to her becsuse of that then you know he was fishy. Although few months between relationships is pretty fast and trust is earned and takes time. Hopefully you are not a rebound Daddy. So it's ok to talk to her about your feelings. I do understand those who say it's a red flag, but i think the red flag is her ex being an ass and not her who is used at following rules and instructions. Talk talk talk and then talk more, make your own rules that you are confortable with and if she is not ok with your rules or follow your rules then maybe you are not for each other. Best of luck

[Guest Fancysir]

I would not be comfortable with this situation.  It sounds like she still has feelings for her ex.  Talk to her about her feelings and ask her to be honest.  If you are uncomfortable with the situation then do explain that to her.  Be loving and caring and remember no blame has to be placed.  If she doesn't understand then a method you could try is to turn the table.  Ask her if she would be comfortable you messaging your ex and meeting up with her. 

 

With that said, staying in contact with an ex is not necessarily a bad thing.  Certain circumstances warrant it.  For example I have two children with my ex, we have to stay in contact for the well-being of the kids. However,  we keep the communications very simple.  She emails me a list of discussion points once per week.  I respond once per week. If it is urgent we text each other.  If my Little wanted to read through those messages that would be okay by me. We're not using snapchat, nor do we meet up. In your situation the secretive messages and the fact that the break up is so new is what I would be concerned about.