Daddy in need of help and advice

[justlikeapuppet]

I’m new to this forum, and this whole concept in general. I’m a daddy to my little girl who happens to be my fiancée. We’ve been together for almost two years now, and about six months in we started doing dd/lg stuff. I was inexperienced and had no idea really what I was doing, trying my best to learn from what she said and likes, learning from Tumblr, all that sort of thing. But throughout this relationship I seem to have gone through phases of being a good daddy and being on top of everything, and being very poor at it and not trying my best and giving up easily. It’s been getting me and my little to argue a lot lately about if I’m really cut out to be a daddy. More often than not, it seems like sometimes we get kinky in the bedroom, but we don’t seem to really live this lifestyle. Sometimes I want to and sometimes I just want things to be simple. But I can’t have both. I can’t do nothing and want peace and quiet and relaxing together and have a little who is as needy and energetic (as wonderful as that is) it seems.

 

I’ve been given multiple chances, and said I would do better and learn more. But I never reached out, and gave up when faced with too much information. I stopped trying, and that hurt her unbelievably because it basically meant I decided to not be a daddy without telling her, and strung her along. But I want to be a daddy. I just don’t know what I’m doing and I feel like I’m not cut out for it. When I’ve been a good daddy, I’ve been fantastic. I just don’t know how to always be like that, and I don’t know why I can’t other than it gets very exhausting quickly. I suffer a lot in giving up, and this is one thing I don’t want to continue that with. It may be too late now, I may not have another chance, but I need to try. Even if it’s too late, I need to actually give an effort because I can’t think about myself not being a daddy without breaking down and feeling like I’m failing the love of my life and wasting her time.

 

The last time she was truly in her little space, we had sex that she couldn’t consent to because she was in that mindspace. But I didn’t know. And that hurt her incredibly, made her almost unable to be in little space around me. She’s finally starting to come back into little space, but I’m so afraid of overstepping boundaries again that I just freeze up and don’t do anything to help her into this space. I feel like maybe that’s a part of it, coupled with the fact that I live with my sister and her boyfriend and don’t have an environment I feel entirely comfortable in. But even when they’re not home, I still have troubles. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t know why I have so many troubles being dominant when I want to so badly.

[ILikeTheSummer]

Well not everyone is a dom, but the internet has a lot of information on how to become a Dom might be as easy as typing it into google.

If you don't want to give up then you have to get your butt up and do the work, read everything you can get your hands on and turn it into something you do....

If it's something that you mentally can't do a psychologist/psychiatrist is another option to work on overcoming that maybe

[justlikeapuppet]

I want to talk to someone professionally honestly, but my Little has made it very clear that she doesn’t like people knowing about that aspect of our life, and I don’t know how to work on this without being very specific. I guess my ease of giving up as a whole, but I just haven’t found a therapist that I’ve connected with yet.

 

I think that’s really the root of this all, me giving up so easily. But I’m just so confused why sometimes it comes so naturally, and then other times it’s such a struggle. It’s like I want to be a Dom who takes control, and be kind of a sad puppy who just needs to curl up after a long day at the same time. I can’t be both. But my mind keeps going back and forth.

[ILikeTheSummer]

of course you can be both! a Dom doesn't have to be Dom 24/7

and if she doesn't want you to see a professional when you need help that is a big red flag...

[justlikeapuppet]

It’s not that she doesn’t want me to see a professional, she’s the one encouraging me to do so in general. She just feels uncomfortable with people knowing very specific details about the two of us like that, but I don’t know how to not be specific and have the help be effective.

 

I just feel so pressed into being a Dom all the time, and I don’t think she’s pressuring me, I think I’m imagining her pressuring me so much and it’s all in my head.

 

I feel like I complicate it as well by having wanting to be a daddy, but also having this pet role play thing as well. Where she’s this forest fairy and I’m a big scary beast. I let out my dominant side and hunt her in bed and protect her, and then curl up and be a good beast when I’m happy. But I feel like that doesn’t work with being a daddy, they conflict. And that dominant side has been so difficult to bring out lately even as this beast.

[ILikeTheSummer]

if you go to a psychologist and tell him you're sad he won't really be able to do anything... you have to be able to trust them and open up to them, they won't tell anyone, they won't judge you, they won't laugh or whatever... if you can't tell them what is really the problem there isn't really anything they can do

 

how about you talk to her about you feeling pressured by yourself? tell her that it's not her fault but it's an internal conflict you have and maybe she can help you with it?

[justlikeapuppet]

I’m just afraid she won’t accept me not being able to be a daddy all the time. I feel like only sometimes isn’t enough for her, especially when in the past sometimes has been so infrequent and I will absolutely own up to that being my fault. I feel like she wants me to be all or nothing, but I don’t know if that’s really true or if I’m just scaring myself and thinking the worst.

And I’m still afraid that it is too late and she won’t trust me to give me another chance to actually get off my ass and do something to help. Which I understand, I haven’t before or gave up after a little bit of effort, why should she believe this time will be any different?

[ILikeTheSummer]

well your feelings and wishes are just as important as hers.... 

 

and you won't find out if she will give you another chance if you don't try it... but if she is your fiancee i'm sure she will

[justlikeapuppet]

I think she’s just hurt right now because she can tell I stopped trying, and she kept trying to believe I would with no actual results. She thinks I want to give up being a daddy, and thinks that I’m just going to keep going through this cycle of “i’ll Do better I promise,” and then trying for a bit, giving up, and then coming back to this argument of me not being a good daddy. I just want to fulfill her needs. I’m simple, all I need is a happy girl, food, sleep, and stability. She gives me everything I need, I just want to return the favor.

[Guest SUeB]

It sounds like this whole relationship revolves around you trying to give her everything she wants. What about you? What do YOU want? If you're putting in all this effort just to make her happy, how does that balance out? Is she doing anything to try make you happy? Is she trying to fix anything, or change anything about her side of the situation? Or is she just expecting you to jump through hoops to basically change who you are?

[xBabydollx]

It sounds like she wants a 24/7 DD/lg lifestyle and u dont. u said sometimes u just want things simple. u also mentioned that u have this 'beast' side as well. It is perfectly normal to have various headspaces u like to engage in and u do not always have to be in 'Daddy mode' just to appease her. Being a Daddy can be exhausting at times and if u desire a week, month, 3 month break and just be in a vanilla relationship mode or just explore that 'beast' mode then that is ok. u cant force feeling like a Daddy all of the time. u either do or u dont. If she wants Daddy mode from u daily, then honestly, there may be some incompatibility here.

[CaresAlot]

Two the most important things in a relationship are communication and compromise.  Both people have to be able to do it or the relationship becomes very unbalanced and frustrating for one person or both.  The two of you need to sit down and write down what you want and she write down what she wants.  You will find there will be a lot of common ground the two of you already agree on.  The things you don't agree on then you need to figure a compromise.  You can't do Daddy all the time then what is your sweet spot where you can be real good and not get worn down.  I'm sure that she will take quality over quantity.

 

I used to run 5Ks and 10Ks but before that, I used to hate running and only did it as training when I had to.  When I wasn't training for sports, I started doing walks that turned into walk/runs and finally just runs.  It became something that was fun and I'd just go out and run longer and longer.  Right now you can run if you have to, but she wants you to do a marathon.  You will try your best, but at somepoint fail.  Compromise and find what you can do now.  In time that may become effortless and maybe y'all do more.  Communication and compromise. 

 

Going to counseling, unless it something dangerous to you or others, then whatever y'all talk about is all confidential.  They are professional are really nonjudgemental and if not find one that is.  This is a situation that is fixable, but y'all need to sit down and come up with a game plan.

Edited February 21, 2018 by CaresAlot

[justlikeapuppet]

Now I’m a little confused.

This whole argument started because we had extremely vanilla sex the other night that she said was just super boring. Then she was saying she’s hurt about me never wanting to be a daddy, and lying to her about trying and getting better. But now last night she says that it’s mostly about me never being dominant in bed, she doesn’t want to be my equal.

The sadistic Dom/sub side is something we keep completely separate from the dd/lg side of our play. So I’m very confused here because I can’t tell which is the bigger issue, unless it’s that I haven’t been good at either one lately.

 

Either way, she said she gives up on trying and hoping that I’ll get dominant again. I still want to try and be the best I can be, but I’m afraid it really is too late.

[Guest SUeB]

She's sick of trying? Sounds like you're the only one trying here. Sounds like she's just complaining about everything and telling you how useless you are at giving her everything she wants. Ok, we are only getting one side of the story. Might be wrong here, but this all sounds like a big waste of time.

[Daddydompdx]

You need to just do it. Show her your dominant side without discussing it. Tell her what you want. Just step up and do it if thats what you want. Dont be paralyzed by your inexperience. Trust me it will come to you but you have to learn from your mistakes. If your little sees your effort she will be impressed and supportive.

 

Do you have rules?

Have you discussed expectations?

What do you need from your little to feel more dominant?

[justlikeapuppet]

I’m just really afraid that in “just doing it,” she’ll reject it and I’d basically be abusing her.

It’s a weird line with all of the consent, because it’s such a toss up whether she would love the unexpected dominance, or if she would be distraught from it. I don’t want to hurt her.

 

And she is trying. She’s been trying anything she can to get me to be more dominant, and been relatively clear that she wants that. But everytime she does, it was either at a time where I just didn’t want to do anything, or I just shrugged it off for no good reason. I feel very pressured, but at the same time I’m also feeling pressured from myself because I know I don’t give her enough attention in the bedroom like that, and I know I need to be more dominant. I want to be, that’s the most fun I have by far. It’s exhausting but it’s fantastic. But I don’t know why I keep hesitating and not just doing it even though it’s something I want too.

[justlikeapuppet]

We had old rules, but we weren’t good at sticking to them cause there was so many. So I started making a smaller list to start with. Kept giving up on it. Finally finished it last night, but she didn’t want to see it.

 

Haven’t really discussed expectations, and I don’t know what I need to be more dominant. I know egging on always works, her being bratty, but she doesn’t want to do be bratty, she wants to be good, and the bratty behavior does get me very frustrated sometimes. The dominance that comes out then is very temporary, and I don’t think it’s the answer.

[xBabydollx]

Im curious about if she wasn't preassuring u to be more Dominant more often, and u can both be more vanilla, would that come as a relief to u? If she dialed it back (happily so) do u think u would be more content or on ur own desire to be more dominant? Without the influence of making her happy, do u think u would personally be desiring to be more Dominant or do more DD/lg stuff if she was perfectly content with doing that stuff less often? I think the root of the problem may be within this because if she was perfectly fine with keeping things simple more often, would u be happier with that

[justlikeapuppet]

Well no, she doesn’t want to dial it back really. She’s constantly pressuring me about it because she just wants more than what I’m currently giving her, which is unfortunately been almost next to nothing. We can be vanilla, but doing it so often gets her incredibly bored, and me too honestly.

[justlikeapuppet]

I don’t know if I might be happier if she was more fine with doing that stuff less often, but honestly I do want to do it too and it does make me very happy. I’m just hesitant and nervous, and I make myself uncomfortable.

[xBabydollx]

I guess u need to work on ur confidence then and find ur sweet spot on how much Dominance or 'Daddy mode' u are willing and capable to give. She's going to have to accept that there may be a limitation to how much u can give. She will have to learn to be accepting and understanding if it turns out a 24/7 situation is just not something u are capable of doing. It doesn't make u a bad Daddy or Dominant, it just means u have ur limitations and thats ok. Some ppl are only capable of being Dominant in the bedroom, some only capable of it a few times a week, so on and so on. u have to find the sweet spot for u instead of trying to stretch ur self thin to meet her expectations because when u are not truly feeling it or in the mood is when u will always be 'off' or 'lacking' so to speak. Quality beats quantity. On the other hand, perhaps u can try focusing on what triggers u to be in a more Dominant or Daddy moor. Figure out what u like/turns u on etc so perhaps it can be implememented more and help encourage the headspaces u desire to be in.

[Maarloeve]

trust her to use her safe word.

[justlikeapuppet]

Just as an update, we decided to take sort of a break while I seek professional help and learn how to have a better handle on my mind and be less self defeating. I’m not exactly happy about it, I just want my baby, but I know this is needed, and I hope through me actually getting help, it does help me win her back. Even if it doesn’t, it’s still something I need to do.

Thank you all for talking this out with me, I very much appreciate it.