Some advice needed for a (possibly) sadist Daddy

[Guest Daddy_JayL]

First off, a little backstory. I've been dating my little for a year and two months and originally she had introduced me to ddlg. I started doing research and I loved it. I love everything about the community and the dynamic, however it's always felt as if something were missing. As time progressed and I began to get more comfortable with my dominant side it persisted. Still, I pushed it back. I noticed it was never anything my princess did. She was always a good (yet slightly bratty) girl for her Daddy. And for the most part did everything she could to make me proud and serve me. We've since written up a contract and she's been collared. Yet the empty feeling didn't go away. About 4 months ago we were having sex and we were almost about to stop but I wanted to keep going, she had moved a certain way and we stopped. As I had previously explained that this was against my wishes I spanked her. I spanked her hard and repeatedly until her ass was completely red. I felt better than I had in the ddlg aspect but she had started crying. Immediately I told her to come curl up next to me. She told me she didn't deserve it which broke my heart. I pulled her into my arms, tucked her in, gave her her favorite stuffie and let her suck Daddy's thumb until she calmed down, talking to her gently all the while. After that I noticed something change in me. The crying hadn't bothered me until she said that. I started thinking about other things I would do to her if I had a better playroom or dungeon (ie chaining her up better or for longer, better nipple clamps etc) and I've been wanting to talk to her about introducing sadism ever since the first incident. We also tried knife play once and I had to stop myself from cutting her while she was blindfolded. I spoke to her about these feelings and urges tonight after spanking her for breaking one of my rules. Once again I had to stop myself and she seemed uncomfortable with the idea, we've done spanking and light degradation in the bedroom but never anything truly sadistic. I secretly want to draw blood. She agreed to parts of my fantasy, but it seemed like it was only to please me. I started doing it a little after that while fingering her and she seemed a little more accepting of it I want her to enjoy when I share this piece of me, but also introduce a non sexual aspect of it. Can anyone advise me how?

[sullenDaddybones]

Seems a bit hardcore and this seems like a book BDS&M safety measures(sure one exists or Fetlife would have classes if you live near a major city, they had one in where I live for Ropepaly)would be better for you and I don't know one. There are safety measures with all this stuff you're talking and then there is communication with your partner like reading it with them ...

 

I played around with this and never got an infection and never gave one I'm aware of. Though these days with things like MRSA and other stuff you gotta be real cautious. You have to be religious with things. I am not sure I would expose someone to any of this. We did it and people got HIV and other diseases in the 90s and some died.

[Guest Daddy_JayL]

What?

[Guest Daddy_JayL]

What?

[Guest infinitecases]

Unless your little is masochistic or consents to having any of this done to her, suppressing it is going to get harder for you as time goes on and it'll always feel like something is missing. You need an outright answer as to whether your little would want any of this and if not, whether you can agree on something together (she seems willing to do some parts of it, so maybe start off slow when introducing her to it). If you let it out suddenly, chances are, the same situation might happen again and she'll start crying because it perhaps scared her to some extent. 

[kittyboo]

You should talk to her again when you're both just chilling out, sometimes we agree to things when we feel vulnerable that we don't mean but we just want to make you happy.

 

There's nothing wrong with sadism but you really have to take your time and start off small with her since she's unsure and you're both new to it. Do not just cut her without doing any research, not only for the physical health risks but the emotional. Go on Fetlife, join groups, read all you can and go to an event if you can too.

 

Agree on 1-3 things she is comfortable with trying and start from there. Talk about every aspect of it with her before you do it. Be prepared for her to want to stop or not want to do it again and be prepared to comfort her for as long as she needs.

[Guest Arc]

Talk to her and get her to answer honestly. If she reacted like that just from a spanking then maybe she's not into heavier play, and if she forces herself to do it for you and hides how she feels about it then that is going to end terribly. She has to be okay with it and has to be strong enough mentally for it. 

 

Also slow down. If you spanked her until she was crying and that hadn't been talked about before then she was probably overwhelmed and that could be why she said she didn't deserve cuddles. Maybe she needs reassurance during spanking that it's not out of anger or whatever made her so upset and scared. 

 

Do a tonne of research, join some local groups, learn from people with experience, communicate openly and honestly with her, and go at her pace. 

[Littlest_Bee]

It sounds like a difficult situation and it's probably good that you are asking here. I hope you find people to talk about how to live out that side of you in a safe way. You should definitely give her time to figure out her limits without pressure from your side.

 

Talk. Consider that it's possible you two might have incompatible needs and what the consequences of that would be. Maybe explore some kink lists together to find a way to both feel fulfilled. Keep communicating.

 

In her place even if I might say that I didn't deserve a spanking and feel like that, if I didn't use my safeword and there's sufficient aftercare then it's probably fine. But it still sounds as if there's a need for both of you to talk it through. You pushed her to her limits and you both need feedback about that. Apparently it wasn’t planned. You describe it in a way that suggests your sadistic impulses simply broke out - as if you weren't aware of the extent of what you were doing until you came down afterwards. You probably suppressed those urges until then and it makes sense that right now they are powerful. But you are the one in control. That means you need to have control over yourself. Find out how other people have dealt with that.

You need to make sure that what you are doing is safe, sane and consensual.

 

I hope this didn't come off too preachy. There are parts in your post that would scare me if I was your little and you indicated that this is still new to you. So, be careful. Take the time to learn how to do it right.

 

 

 

Edit: I thought she argued about deserving the spanking but I saw the comment Arcofinfinity made while I was writing and think it might be right and she said she didn't deserve cuddling? That would be a bit different - but I agree that it might have been that she was overwhelmed. Maybe the aftercare got her out of that mental space, maybe you are discovering a deeper layer of her mental state. Either way, you'll need to talk and figure things out.

Edited February 15, 2018 by Gândi_Bee

[Bambi95]

My Daddy says the following (imagine a very cockney accent) : "I'm with you on the whole crying thing being hot, mate. But you need to sit down with your little and discuss it. In a relationship, communication is everything."

 

My Daddy and I explore sadomasochism from time to time. He enjoys spanking me and I enjoy being spanked. He enjoys hurting me until I cry, and I enjoy crying. He enjoys using his belt on me, and while it terrifies me, I enjoy it too. But this is why we have safe words. This is why we have consent; to ensure the safety and well being of the sub. 

In my relationship with my Daddy, I have only ever safe worded once, so far. Daddy was slapping my face and I got winded and panicked as I couldn't breathe. Even though I couldn't actually speak, Daddy understood from my body language and my expression that I needed to safe word. He took care of me after and helped me calm down. Then he suggested we take a break from slapping for a few days until I was comfortable with it again. 

 

I agree completely with my Daddy, in that communication is key between two partners. My Daddy has introduced me to things I once thought I would never be into, such as diapers, and now they are a key element of who I am as a little. It is possible that after discussing it thoroughly and exploring different limits you both have, she will be more open to your sadistic side. 

As for the spanking you gave her that she felt was undeserved, I'm curious as to why she didn't safe word that. Is this something you have talked about? If not, then it definitely is vital you talk about it in detail. 

[Guest Daddy_JayL]

We talked about it briefly last night and it went well, but she was a sleepy little princess so we agreed to speak more after school today. Thank you for all of the suggestions and feedback. Greatly appreciated

[Guest Daddy_JayL]

And to clarify. She felt she didn't deserve cuddles. The spanking was agreeably deserved as she has disobeyed me. We already have a word in place. So she would've used it if it were too much

[Guest Daddy_JayL]

Also quick sidenote

I have done research on knife play and I haven't cut deeply in any way. It was mostly just introductory, dragging the blade and handle along her skin

[ILikeTheSummer]

the danger with knife play isn't just the depth of the cut but also where you cut, that the cut can get infected.... most people have lots and lots of training, take courses, inform themselves thoroughly..... it's a very advanced thing not for people new to BDSM

[Guest Daddy_JayL]

Duly noted. Thank you

[Guest Arc]

I never said the spanking wasn't deserved. But maybe it was more than she was mentally prepared for. You can help her with that by encouraging her and telling her she's handling it well during the punishment. When I had my first punishment I was so overwhelmed and I thought my Daddy was angry with me and I cried. The next time he just encouraged me throughout it and over time I learned that punishment wasn't so scary. That to doesn't feel good but it's necessary and allows us to move on as soon as it's finished and go back to normal. 

 

Also "there was a safe word so she would have used it" is not a good way of thinking. Some people struggle when they're overwhelmed. They forget or go non verbal. And as a new person she may not know if she does that, so she can't warn you beforehand. That's why it's also important in your role to stop if you think it's going too far. 

[Guest Daddy_JayL]

Okay. Thank you

[Littlest_Bee]

Well, I'd argue with my guardian if I'd get a very harsh spanking for something I did involuntarily (like twitching out of a position I was told to hold because I was tickled) - wouldn't argue about every punishment but if it's surprising me with the level of severity I could see that happening.

Like I said if she didn't safeword and there was enough aftercare it should be fine but it's still a good idea to check in and chat about it.

 

Thanks for confirming she didn't feel she deserved the cuddling afterwards though. You seem to have coaxed her into accepting it after she said that - so I think you handled it reasonably well. And you are planning to talk more so I'm sure you'll work out what happened there.

 

Hey, quick question: Is your little on this site as well? Does she have like-minded friends?

[Guest Daddy_JayL]

No she's not. And I'm not sure if any of her friends are littles. We had a very bad fight last night I was thinking about making a new thread after work last night

[sullenDaddybones]

Said it before but I'll repeat it people don't real long posts generally.

 

2 of my Friends Mentioned Sickness from KnifePlay. One HIV, one I don't know as she never elaborated. Inexperienced people can die from Knifeplay and in Fet Clubs it's not discouraged it's banned for that reason.

 

An ex GF of mine was carved up like a pumpkin from it, permascars god knows the damage. You got to be trained to do that shit.

 

 

No she's not. And I'm not sure if any of her friends are littles. We had a very bad fight last night I was thinking about making a new thread after work last night

[Littlest_Bee]

I was just thinking that it might be good for her to have someone else to talk to as well.

Maybe ask her about it and encourage her to make friends in the community. You wrote that she originally introduced you to DDlg but it's unclear how much experience she has.

 

Sorry to hear you had a bad fight. Good luck.

 

Edit: @sullenDaddybones: Yeesh. I didn't touch on the whole knife play thing because it's a hard limit for me. I have zero experience in that regard. So, I'm glad you bring up the risks. Safe, sane and consensual is all I can say. Can't think of anything more important than that.

Edited February 16, 2018 by Gândi_Bee