Looking for Suggestions on repair after cheating.

[daddy6760]

A few years back my wife told me she was interested in the DD/lg lifestyle. I was not in a right place (major depression, without management) and responded inappropriately. I assumed I knew what she was asking (I was wrong) and was having issues processing a request like that. This was a major blow to my wife. She felt she could not trust me and with held her fantasy. (I assumed what she was asking for was reliving the sexual child abuse she endured from her father as what she was asking for.)

 

Over time I became educated and liked the adoption of the role. Unfortunately damage was done. We had issues connecting and trusting. Dialog was closed on the subject as such I felt a failure and not confident. Lack of confidence reduced libido. This spiraled into more distance between us.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My wife tells me that she is not "In Love" with me anymore but loves me. I am devastated. Over the last 2 week we have been separated and today I find out that over the past year and a half she has been having a string of affairs with other men. Men who have been giving her the love she is looking for. The most recent is a major family friend (she is staying with him at his house). Her explanation was it started as a method to save our marriage. She told me today as I was accepting full responsibility for the poor method of handling our relationship and my depression in the past.

 

I am still processing this but I am committed to fixing it. In my heart I have forgiven her but I am still working on forgiving the family friend.

 

We have decided to visit a couples counselor. She dose not want to hurt him nor myself and I don't know how someone isn't going to be hurt.

 

She says the relationship with the friend started as a safety option (she was originally meeting men from craigslist) but then grew into something more. I knew he was a close family friend (over at our house for every holiday and multiple dinners a week)

 

I love my wife so much it hurts. I know many people would suggest moving on but my heart still belongs to her. I feel like I let her down and I still take ownership over this situation.

 

We have been married for 10 years, together for 11. we have one boy who is 5.

 

I feel so upset with myself and the situation. I feel guilty on how my wife must have felt and the pain I have caused her. I want to make it all better.

 

I am still new to the DD/lg dynamic and have been working tirelessly learn how to be the best Daddy I can be. What suggestions can you offer on how I can be that Daddy? Please help me be the best Daddy I can be. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

[TinyTwaddle]

Hihi!

 

First of all I would like to just say that it takes a lot of courage and bravery to admit your faults. This situation is far from ideal, but the fact that you are willing to ask for help and want to repair your marriage and relationship says a lot about the type of person you are. There seems to be a lot of issues surrounding this entire situation so I'd like to address this one topic at a time.

 

1. Repairing Trust

There is no relationship or marriage with out trust. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship whether that platonic or romantic. That trust was initially broken by you, but shattered by your wife. I don't know if you've done this already, but I highly suggest you talking to your wife one-on-one about the situation. And by that I don't mean saying how sorry you are about how you acted or how hurt you feel that she went to another man to give her the type of love she yearned for. The type of talk you two need to have is that of facts and lay out an exact timeline of how you two got to this point in your relationship. By assuming the worst when she initially told you, probably made her feel like she had lost a best friend that she could tell anything to. Show her that you are still that person. That even though what she did was wrong, you won't hold it against her.

 

2. Repairing the Relationship

Communication is a key factor in making any relationship work. In order for you to have any type of relationship with your wife, you should first start effectively communicating with her. Tell her about how you are trying to understand more about DD/lg and ask her what she wants from that type of relationship. Ask her what type of love she is looking for and how you can be better. You should tell her about how you still hold her responsible for her actions, but won't hold it against her. What I mean by that is that you need to stop saying it was all your fault and throwing a pity party. You need to accept that your wife actively went looking for a relationship she did not have with her and hold her to that. It takes two people to ruin a relationship, but it talks only one to use as a scapegoat. What you did was wrong, but what she did was also wrong. You need to accept that you may not get to where you were BEFORE this situation, but you build a stronger relationship through it.

 

3. Letting Go

Letting go of blame, guilt, anger, and hurt are probably one of the hardest things to do. My suggestion is that you need to write everything down. I personally write letters to people that I feel have wronged or helped me in some way. Write a letter to this family friend and tell him exactly how you feel and DON'T FILTER it. You don't have to be polite, or respectful, or nice. You need to let out your frustrations and then let go. A common misconception is that holding out negative feelings toward a person will just make everyone less awkward and the issue will go away. It won't. What you need to do it let it out. You have every right to let out your frustration. But after you say your peace, walk away. You need to walk away from the baggage or else it will just continue to eat you up and you will continue to feel like you are a failure. When in reality, you made a mistake and now reaping the consequences.

 

We are all human and we all make mistakes. Life is all about the challenges and mistakes we make, the key is how you respond to them. Everyone will go through a difficult situation, but how each individual responds will shape who they are as a person. You are in a bad situation, but you are also the only one who can get yourself out of it. I know this wasn't what you call "nice" or even "empathetic" to a point, but I do really hope you find a solution to your problem and that my advice helped you even a little bit.    

[CaresAlot]

Lots of good advice above.  To me it seems that you are taking all the blame - I'm upset, I'm guilty, I let her down.  She doesn't want to hurt this so called friend and she's staying there.  If both sides are not willing to take ownership of the things that they've done this will never work  If she doesn't then don't waste a minute more you need to go find somebody that you can trust.

 

This person, this so called friend is never welcome in your house or your life.  She never sees him again starting right now.  Any connection you and her had with him I'd give it away, throw it away or have a bonde fire.  If you have mutual friends I'd let them know that you want nothing to do with him.  Nobody needs to know why let him try to explain.  If he shows up y'all leave. Its one thing for a stranger to do that, but somebody that claims to be your friend. That is just disgusting.  There is no fixing that and no reason to fix it.  Its not negotiable.  Anytime he'd be around it'd be like a sharp stick in your eye.  There is nothing he can say or do, I wouldn't even let him try and explain.  There is no excuse, he is a disgusting person.  

 

Maybe you and your wife can work this out but not with him around.  Trust between a husband and wife is so very important, but even more so in a DDlg relationship.  This is just me looking in and only seeing a bit of what has happened.  Listen to what other people think and then do what you think is best.  Listen to both your heart and just as important your mind.

[daddy6760]

Thank you both for taking the time and sharing your advice. 

 

She has admitted fault in the situation but she tells me she is confused. She tells me she never wanted this interaction with the friend to have this emotional component. I think I understand her POV but the logic does not make sense to me. (I know, logic isnt involved here) She didnt expect me to be forgiving and accepting of responsibility. She intended to crush me and kill the love I was feeling. All I keep thinking is that this is the worst, rock bottom, it can only get better. All that could be said was said.

 

During our talks yesterday she let me know the timeline. I think I fully understand. I feel I am still processing this.

 

This friend is closed and I worry that if I create ultimatums she will choose the path of least resistance. Stick with him. That scares me. I know I am supposed to be strong and fearless but I am scared shitless right now. I feel the sickness and uneasiness when you ask your crush out on a first date. 

 

I have spent into the late hours last night reading articles about DD/lg, breaking of trust, creating clear ground rules for the relationship, and reading a book focused on understanding the emotional dynamics of separations. I woke early and began writing out rules I think we both can agree to. A few are focused on continuation of positive actions we take while others are steps that will bring us closer. This seems to have brought me hope as I am thinking how things could be.

 

I will continue to listen to her and focus on building trust. If there is any other advice I would interested in hearing it.

 

Thanks

[Guest Kaiser]

OP... She cucked you.

 

First off...You can't "learn" how to be a Daddy. You either are, or you aren't.

 

Second, just by your post it's obvious that the signals of cheating on her part have been there for some time.

 

She moved in with another man. I almost feel embarrassed for you that you bought her excuse that she did it to repair your relationship.

 

Move on. Establish a civil relationship for the sake of your son, but get over her. Like yesterday.

[CaresAlot]

I read what you had to say I think I need to tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.

I don't see any thing that says she is truely sorry and wish you could see that.  She apologized but was confused.  She didn't mean for it to happen it just did.  And you are worried she will go to him if you want him gone.  Same excuses criminals use.  Real apology would be "I did awful things to you and our family.  I'll do whatever it takes to fix it."  To me you are the only one that is truely sorry thats not a good sign.  One of men's greatest faults (me included) is we think that every thing is fixable and we will fight to fix the unfixable.  You are the only one bailing out this sinking ship.

 

You need to put on that Dominate hat and protect you and your child.  Drain all the bank account and close all your credit cards and any other financial ties.  Get a safety deposit box for papers and things that are  important to you.  What would stop her from doing that to you and heading over to be with him.  She has already shown that you and your child are not her number one priority.  Get yourself tested for STDs.  She has been with all sorts of guys that hang out on Craig's list.  Don't sleep with her until she gets tested or better yet just don't.  Get some counseling for just you because you are being walked all over.  Write down all the things she has told you she has done.  With the stress you are under it may be difficult to remember and its important if the two of you are done.  Talk to an attorney.  Post nothing on social media.  Spend as much time with your child as possible.  If you have family that you are close to then get their support.  Eat right and exercise - stress has a huge impact on your body and you need to stay sharp.  Best way to assert yourself is to stay calm and never ever yell. 

 

This will be an attitude adjustment for her and you will quickly know where you stand.  If she wants to fix things then you will control the finances.  You will have acceess to any and all her electronics.  Her phone gets set so that you can track where she goes and where she is.  She is the one that cheated.  She is going to have to show she can be trusted.

Edited February 10, 2018 by CaresAlot

[daddy6760]

Thank you caresalot. I think you might be right. I will begin to prepare and maybe she will see clearly and convince me before it's too late.