Long distance relationship... how do I make it work?

[caffeLover29]

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a good 7 months now. It’s been going well but the ups and downs are also present. There are moments when it’s unbearable since we sometimes miss each other and the physical needs are always a problem. I can definitely say that our relationship is worth fighting for... but on times when we fight, it’s hard to make up with each other due to the distance. I really need some moral support or advice on how we can make things work between us.

 

I met Gina through a singles tour held in Cebu, Philippines by A Foreign Affair. It was love at first sight. Things went well between us and the chemistry is great. I’ve decided to stay for a couple of months to get to know her better (her family and friends included.) It was a huge jump from the ordinary but I’m glad I did it.

 

The fact that I need to come back to the U.S. because of my business that we are stuck with long distance at the moment. We haven’t talked about marriage since I think it’s still too soon to consider it… so, long distance will be our biggest obstacle for the meantime.

 

I’d really appreciate it if you guys can give me advice or suggestion on how I can keep our relationship stay, if not smoothly, well. I’d also like to ask for advice on how to keep the spark between us to stay alive in this distance. Please, give me advice.

 

[Guest Dean]

Talk. Every. Day. Talk about anything and everything. Have deep conversations and silly ones. Most importantly, laugh. Laugh a lot.

 

Do things you would do if you were physically together as much as possible. Watch TV shows and movies together. Listen to music. Talk about all of it.

 

Don't be afraid to be silly. Become best friends. Give each other space when requested but always know how each other is doing. Every day. 

 

Skype, FaceTime, Hangouts are your necessary friends. They will keep you connected. Don't be afraid of silence. Sometimes, just sitting together on Skype, while you each read or listen to music while going about your day, is all you want or need to do. Let it happen.

 

I know the time difference can be a big deal. Try to be there (on Skype) when she falls asleep. If you know what time she wakes, give her a wake up call. WhatsApp is great for that if international calling isn't that doable.

 

It takes work and a lot of patience. It will be hard. Some days, it will be too hard. But, if you really want it, you will make it through. When you see each other again, you may find that you know each other better than either of you have ever known anyone. That just makes the bond stronger.

 

I've been there. Long distance is a challenge. It can be done. I wish you both the best.

Edited January 16, 2018 by Dean

[star-strucky]

LDRs can be really challenging! I am in one right now and it's definitely important to appreciate your relationship for what it is instead of concentrating on how things could be. When you catch yourself going, "Oh, I just wish I could hold Gina's hand again...", try to remember that your situation is only temporary and that you will hold her hand again one day. Skype or video chat services is your best friend, too. Good luck!

[MrJohnny]

 it's definitely important to appreciate your relationship for what it is instead of concentrating on how things could be. 

 

This is a very valuable piece of advice. I am in an LDR also, and being new at that type of relationship is hard for me.

 

Thank You!

[Guest Ignea]

Communiation , as in any form of relation is key , gladly this day and age there is a whole array of tools/aps you can use.

Just use it as much as both of you can that way it does make the distance shorter

 

Myself i wouldnt mind a LDR due to the fact i am online almost 24/7 due to work ..

so Kik, Skype, whatsapp, Hangouts, even discord or whatever youboth can use for voice/video i would say use ot .. find out with what apss works the best on computer and phone

Myself the combination of whatsapp/skype is perfect  with kik for text

 

Get youself a shared cloud account to store pictures drawings and what not , movies and so on.. also a netflix account shared can be fun .. or select a movie on netflix and start it the same time

[plumflower]

Allow yourself some space and don't let others try and fit your relationship into what they think is right.  Daddy and I are 9 months into our LDR and it's getting hard with the naysayers buzzing around. I'm very needy little and I sometimes cannot handle the amount of time that Daddy needs to be busy but I know that if you always make an effort to talk, even just ten minutes a day, it makes a HUGE difference.

 

Don't be shy to flirt and be sexy, send her naughty pics or naughty thoughts and ask for them. I can't really truely confirm this but I pretty sure he's happy each time I send him a naughty thought or picture. I also think that sending one without being asked for it shows that you are still very much in the relationship.

[Little Illy]

The best advice I can give you for LDRs is two fold, Communication and Goals.

 

When I say communication, I mean it beyond the normal expected openness you have in a relationship. In and LDR you have to express EVERYTHING even if it doesn't seem important. "Honey, I am feeling upset right now and I don't necessarily know why." "This next coming week I have X. Y, Z, going on each day so my responses are going to be limited. But I will try my best to respond when I can." "I am working on something over the next few days and so I might not be mentally all here from time to time." "I think my depression might be coming back, but I'm not sure." "I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights. I don't know why, but its been making me snappish." and so on and so forth. That seems normal, but when I am saying is all of that every time your mental state changes. Why? Because in LDR you cannot see each other to see these things. 

 

Example: My Daddy has trouble sleeping. In the beginning of the relationship he would go a couple days without sleep and not tell me. He didn't want to tell me because he genuinely didn't want to upset or worry me. But during those days he was grumpy and cranky and I always thought I did something wrong. It was upsetting because I had no idea what was going on. We discussed it and found the issue. Now when he cant sleep, even if it is just one night, he lets me know. In turn I know that he needs space and to not have stressful discussions. Only because its overwhelming with lack of sleep. But I never would've known if he doesn't tell me.

 

Example: I have massive insecurity issues. I randomly have bouts of anxiety that leads to a number of emotions. As soon as I feel this coming on I literally tell him "Daddy, I am feeling really insecure right now. I don't know why, but you doing this is making me feel worse." It is never him doing anything wrong, but rather it is my mind twisting it and making it bad. 'Oh, Daddy is going to the shops? I wonder if he is meeting someone...' 'Daddy wants to go hang out with family, why wont he hang out with me?' Normal things suddenly turn mean in my head and I sometime react as such. But by giving him that warning he makes sure to send me little texts to soothe my anxiety and he knows if I freak out it isn't about him but rather it is just my mental state.

 

Sharing all of this is a monumental effort and any true LDR requires it otherwise the wrong statement can spiral into darkness and that is it. A lot of what needs to be explained in LDR can easily be seen in real life so it doesn't necessarily register to us that we need to share it. "Cant you see how upset I am?!" No... no they cant. Texting doesn't really convey emotions correctly. So disclosing mental states as they come and go is absolutely vital for the longevity of an LDR.

 

The second half is to set goals. Unless you strictly want an LDR, you need to establish goals and work towards them. These goals are your North Star, you light at the end of the tunnel, your breath of fresh air. They are what keep you grounded when the emotions become overwhelming. Plan date nights, care packages, visits and milestones that bring you closer to moving in together. When each goal is met, it is a shot of revitalization to your relationship. It shows it is not all screens and waiting, but rather there really is something tangible. I know that sounds weird because of course your relationship is tangible, but when you are feeling overwhelmed it is easy to say "I cannot take this any more! This isn't enough!" Well, when you meet these goals, it helps ground you in the fact that it wont always be this way. You two are actually fighting for the RL relationship.

 

It is really easy, when life happens all at once, to become frustrated with the LDR and blame it for a lot of the stress in your current life. So every once and awhile achieving a goal is the means to relax yourself and highlight the absolute good the LDR is accomplishing. Again, I know it sounds so negative and like "If you are having these feelings you are in the wrong relationship." But no, not at all. You are feeling this because you are in a relationship where you LOVE and CARE and WANT to be with the person but you are being forced to be away. These feelings occur because you love them so much and can't even hold their hand let alone hug or kiss or cuddle. These emotions happen because you can't be with the person that makes you happy. 

 

My eight months in the states after being with my Daddy were the hardest of my life. I started getting silver hair, my weight fluctuated, my depression flared and so on. Daddy was here and was attention and loving. But... I wasn't HOME and it was too much to bare. I couldn't stand being away from my Daddy and my home. My best friend was around the world, I couldn't really experience the happy aspects with him as I wanted, I couldn't reach out to him at night when I had a bad dream, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, etc. It was hard. It is hard. But the goals helped me. Date nights helped me, making goals to get over there helped me and definitely helped Daddy for sure.

 

Between these two things, Daddy and I have prevailed a 15 month LDR (with only 2 months of ever being together). And our biggest goal is next week. And it is an easy one at this point. Next week I am boarding a plane to fly over and move in with him. 

 

LDRs are hard, they hurt and for me and Daddy, we hate them and do NOT endorse them. However, we are sincerely grateful because they brought us together. And these are the hard lessons we have learned from it. Communications and goals, they seem so tedious and menial, but they really make all the difference.

 

I hope everything works out with you two