Needing Perspective

[Little Illy]

*Waves* Hi, CGs.

 

Um... so I know this is Caregiver Cafe, and I am a little, but I need the perspective of some CGs here. Um... I typically don't reveal personal news much, but I really need some advice...

 

Let me start by saying; Daddy is amazing in being supportive, reassuring and my rock. He does everything any little could ask for in this situation and then some. The issue is me, in my head and my doubts. Anyways.

 

The problem I am facing is my health. I have some fairly severe medical issues and well... I have recently gotten some MRIs to compare with those in 2015 and the results are obviously changed in an almost dramatic way. For the worse. I'm not dying or anything. But I am 26 and my condition is going to make my future incredibly difficult. Possibly the near future. I have chronic conditions with no cure, most are sorta rare, or at the least abnormal. Especially for someone my age. But I wont go into detail because blah blah blah.

 

I guess... what I am looking for... is how do CGs cope with this? Like I stated, Daddy is literally my rock. And with each new diagnosis or scan he simply states "we will work through this together" and proves he means it every step of the way. I'm not exaggerating. I am so damn lucky to have him. But, in my head, I feel like... I'm just this burden and I know Daddy means what he says. I know I am not his burden because I believe what he tells me. I have even responded to a similar thread where a little was concerned her medical problems would be too much for her Daddy. So I guess I see both sides.

 

But I don't understand how CGs handle it. How does it not wear you thin? How can yall not want to bail (which I even would understand) when the prospect of so many things happening... 

 

But most importantly... what can I do for him? I keep having these break downs and I feel like I am bringing him nothing but bad news. I frequently thank him and validate how much I love him and how much him being here for me is singlehandedly one of the most loving things I can experience. But I don't feel it is enough. I don't know how to wade past my anxiety of receiving all of this medical news and really feel like I am validating his efforts and him and us.

 

CGs, do you have any advice? Are there specific things I should try to do? He keeps reassuring me but even that gets frustrating because I feel lower because I am not as stable as he is, not as grounded. And it makes me feel like I am still only producing negativity. I joke and laugh and hang out with him playfully, but there is always an air of something negative because of the pains I have. And I see his worry. I don't know how to alleviate it. I am typically the fixer in everything. I fix people's problems, doubts, worries, etc. But I can't fix this worry from him. Or myself. I don't know what to do.

 

Any thoughts? Anyone? Please...

[Guest jimmy3737]

I feel like the best thing to do here is to keep being honest with both him and yourself.  And talk to him.  Make sure he knows how you feel.  It sounds like he cares for you a great deal and is not going to let your condition stand in his way of being with you.  No one wants to simply dump their problems on others.  If he is in it for the long term, he will be a wonderful support system for you.  By talking to him about these things, you can lighten your own stress load and know that he is in your corner.  Talk to him.  Show him how much you appreciate him by allowing him to help you how ever he can.  It's daddy's job to protect his little.  Let him be your rock. 

[Guest Dean]

Hi Illy,

 

I'm not going to sugar coat this. It is hard. As a caregiver, watching the person you love in pain, knowing that it will never get better, knowing there is nothing you can do, it hurts. It's that frustration of not being able to fix it. You understand that because you fix things. He loves you and he's there for you and he isn't going anywhere.

 

Don't change anything. Always be yourself. Don't hide it from him when you are in pain. He always needs to know what is going on with you even when it is bad. As an older CG, here is my wisdom to impart: It's the moments. Those happy, loving, perfect moments. They make it all worthwhile. No matter how bad it can get sometimes, no matter how hard, you live for those moments. Because he does.

[Guest SilverKnight]

When you care about someone deeply enough, you'll go to the ends of the Earth for them. I know through experience. Your daddy is probably much the same.

[Little Illy]

I feel like the best thing to do here is to keep being honest with both him and yourself.  And talk to him.  Make sure he knows how you feel.  It sounds like he cares for you a great deal and is not going to let your condition stand in his way of being with you.  No one wants to simply dump their problems on others.  If he is in it for the long term, he will be a wonderful support system for you.  By talking to him about these things, you can lighten your own stress load and know that he is in your corner.  Talk to him.  Show him how much you appreciate him by allowing him to help you how ever he can.  It's daddy's job to protect his little.  Let him be your rock. 

 

Thank you very much for your insight. I do communicate with him all the time. Actually just yesterday we have come to the conclusion I am the Communication Queen

 

But I dunno, I feel like there is more I can do, you know?

[Little Illy]

When you care about someone deeply enough, you'll go to the ends of the Earth for them. I know through experience. Your daddy is probably much the same.

 

He would. Just as I would for him. Daddy has his own medical issues that I don't even take a second thought of when helping him. And I know he is the same. But it still sucks to inflict it upon the person. Just because they would go to the ends of the Earth doesn't mean I want him to... 

 

But you're so right. He is amazing and I love him so much for it. Thank you.

[Guest Georgia-Daddy2]

From my perspective as a CG it's normal. You aren't his burden you are his happy place. He probably loves everything about you condition and all. Every cute giggle and "I love you" is worth twice as much as every crying sleepless night. When people love it should be the whole hearted love that loves flaws and all. What you see as quirky imperfections he may love about you. Talking to you is probably the best part of his day no matter if you are talking about your awesome day or balling your eyes out. He is there because he wants to be not because he's obligated to be. He wants to be there to support you and show you how incredible you are regardless of whatever the odds may be. He may be your rock but you are his happy place. My advice to you be happy, bask in the love, and enjoy each and every second of it.

[Little Illy]

Hi Illy,

 

I'm not going to sugar coat this. It is hard. As a caregiver, watching the person you love in pain, knowing that it will never get better, knowing there is nothing you can do, it hurts. It's that frustration of not being able to fix it. You understand that because you fix things. He loves you and he's there for you and he isn't going anywhere.

 

Don't change anything. Always be yourself. Don't hide it from him when you are in pain. He always needs to know what is going on with you even when it is bad. As an older CG, here is my wisdom to impart: It's the moments. Those happy, loving, perfect moments. They make it all worthwhile. No matter how bad it can get sometimes, no matter how hard, you live for those moments. Because he does.

 

Dammit, Dean... your response got to me... I am NOT tearing up... I simultaneously hate and highly respect the honesty. Thank you. I will do my best to focus on those moments and not let them slip by. You're right. Thank you. 

[JackOfSomeTrades]

Don't change anything. Always be yourself. Don't hide it from him when you are in pain. He always needs to know what is going on with you even when it is bad. As an older CG, here is my wisdom to impart: It's the moments. Those happy, loving, perfect moments. They make it all worthwhile. No matter how bad it can get sometimes, no matter how hard, you live for those moments. Because he does.

 

This.

 

As the Communication Queen, you already know that one of the reasons communication is important is because it means the other people involved aren't left to guess what it going on. The same still applies to what you're feeling with respect to your health: when you're in pain, when you're worried about yourself or him, all of it. From all of your posts I've seen, you and your Caregiver seem to be doing an admirable job on the communication front so just keep doing what you're doing. Don't hide your bad days from your Daddy, and urge your Daddy to not hide his bad days from you. But that's nothing you don't already know.

 

This isn't really that much different than if one was having to deal with illness of a loved family member. Perhaps there is no different at all depending on the commitments you've made to one another. Part of being a loving and supportive family member is being there for your loved ones when times are the roughest. It can of course get incredibly difficult and take an emotional or physical toll on everyone involved depending on the particular circumstances, but it's part and parcel of the commitment you've both made to one another.

 

Your Daddy loves *you* and what makes you who you are, for better or worse, includes the fact that you have these health conditions that impact both your lives. From what you say, he understands that perfectly well and remains committed to you, and you understand that it may occasionally take a toll on him as well. So just as Dead said ... don't change anything.

[MrJohnny]

Illy,

 

I just want to Thank You so much for posting this, and thank everyone also who has replied so far. This is what makes this Community so valuable, that we can be real about the tough stuff that life occasionally deals us, and others will respond with real compassion. it is so easy to get caught up in stuffies, and blankies, and spankies, and cuddles and on and on while we forget that real life still happens and that it happens in varying ways to all of us. And when it does we need to know that we are not alone, that others care, and others feel, and others go through stuff too. We share, albeit in our own individual ways, something very special in this dynamic. Call me naive if you want to, but I believe with my whole heart that this dynamic is Love powered, and itself powerful to give and receive Love.

 

You give a lot of Love and a lot of yourself to this Community Illy. Let us give some back without feeling guilty in the least. And that can be increased to the 100th power in the relationship you have with your Daddy. He knows that you pour into that everything you are and everything you have. Let him pour back. As has been said already, neither of you do it from any sense of obligation but because not only do you sincerely want to, but also because it is sincerely who you are. Just stay true to that, and the rest will work itself out.

[sullenDaddybones]

Illness is tormenting. It would really help falling in love with someone before it hits and I think that is why a lot fell in love in the old days young so through "sickness and health," cause that way you had the good times to reflect upon. With our modern world we go right past the early marriage and face stuff like this... I know illness quite well! It's not easy to cope with on either end. It's not roses and each day I pray that things will work out for the next. I do not think I will likely create any real life relationship due to it. It's far too complex for me. Though for you, in yours 20s it's a time to love and leave a little of the worry behind you. It will blow up in your face? Possibly... But you will never live and you will never be happy if you don't try. 

 

There are all types of ugly in this world and evil..and illness! Perhaps there is a beauty to you in spite of a shortcoming. Live, Love, be Merry and leave tomorrow till tomorrow...

[MrJohnny]

As an older CG, here is my wisdom to impart: It's the moments. Those happy, loving, perfect moments. They make it all worthwhile. No matter how bad it can get sometimes, no matter how hard, you live for those moments. Because he does.

 

Wisdom? Yes, and priceless. Thanks, Dean, this is something I need made into a poster and hung in my home, modified only to say "she does" Even when everything is good, she still does. And he still does. Because moments are Life. Every single one of them.

[Mikaitaku]

You don't really understand the scope of the concept of love, do you? Love, it is simple. Love when true lasts through the worse life can bring, It does not know the meaning of abandonment just because things are hard. Doing anything else would simply by illogical. 

[Little Illy]

 

Let him pour back. As has been said already, neither of you do it from any sense of obligation but because not only do you sincerely want to, but also because it is sincerely who you are. Just stay true to that, and the rest will work itself out.

 

Your Daddy loves *you* and what makes you who you are, for better or worse, includes the fact that you have these health conditions that impact both your lives. From what you say, he understands that perfectly well and remains committed to you, and you understand that it may occasionally take a toll on him as well. So just as Dead said ... don't change anything.

 

I am hearing to keep things they way they are now. Open communication (which we have) and complete discretion. I showed Daddy my scans yesterday and the first thing he asked is if we should postpone the flight - just because he didn't want to put undue stress on my body, and/or make sure I am taking care of medical issues primarily. I was endeared by the thought, but of course we wont postpone my trip, etc.

 

It is just hard to continue when I feel like I am not doing enough for him in this situation. He is doing so much for me, that I feel like I have the stumped end and am not giving back what he is putting forth. I try my very best and he says its okay. I guess I wonder if this just a feeling I will have to get used to?

[Little Illy]

You don't really understand the scope of the concept of love, do you? Love, it is simple. Love when true lasts through the worse life can bring, It does not know the meaning of abandonment just because things are hard. Doing anything else would simply by illogical. 

 

Groot, I understand the concept of love in the eyes of me loving someone else. I know the depth of anything I would endure for those I love. But I have very little experience, if really any, of receiving that kind of love and commitment back, if I am being unabashed and honest. I've always been the one to never abandon and keep on truckin', while simultaneously been the one people leave behind when it got hard. Either mentally or physically, they pull back. So you're right, I guess this is new for me and I am having a hard time coping with the fact that he isn't going away, just because it is so different from past experiences. 

 

I'll have to take this into consideration and try to wrap my head around the idea of someone being the 'Illy' in the relationship (staying and giving 100%) instead of it just being me.

Edited December 30, 2017 by Little Illy

[JackOfSomeTrades]

I am hearing to keep things they way they are now. Open communication (which we have) and complete discretion. I showed Daddy my scans yesterday and the first thing he asked is if we should postpone the flight - just because he didn't want to put undue stress on my body, and/or make sure I am taking care of medical issues primarily. I was endeared by the thought, but of course we wont postpone my trip, etc.

 

It is just hard to continue when I feel like I am not doing enough for him in this situation. He is doing so much for me, that I feel like I have the stumped end and am not giving back what he is putting forth. I try my very best and he says its okay. I guess I wonder if this just a feeling I will have to get used to?

 

With respect to the guilt you're feeling (which in my opinion is what is causing your "I'm not doing enough for him" feelings), one thing I try to do myself is remember that ultimately it's your Daddy (or partner or friend or anyone else this situation can apply to) who gets to decide if they're getting what they need from you. People who thrive on caring for others often feel like there's more they can/should be doing... but so long as the needs of who you are caring for are met, you've nothing to feel guilty about.

 

Obviously it's complicated because sometimes people are really good at denying when their needs are not actually being met. But if you trust your Daddy to communicate his needs to you, you're doing your part to check in with him about it, and he's telling you that you're doing enough, then you should trust his judgement.

 

Also keep in mind that partners caring for each other can be uneven at times. Sometimes one or other of you will need extra support above and beyond what is, or used to be, "normal" and that you needing extra support right now is actually okay.

[Little Illy]

But if you trust your Daddy to communicate his needs to you, you're doing your part to check in with him about it, and he's telling you that you're doing enough, then you should trust his judgement.

 

Also keep in mind that partners caring for each other can be uneven at times. Sometimes one or other of you will need extra support above and beyond what is, or used to be, "normal" and that you needing extra support right now is actually okay.

 

Pffffft why should I trust his judgement?! XD Jk jk

 

I totally understand the whole uneven thing... Its just frustrating when its me and my "fault." *massive sigh* But you are right. It is natural for relationships to ebb and flow and support to fluctuate. I am just not used to being on the low end of support (or the high end of needing it).

 

 

Honestly thank you yall for helping. Its good to hear it from different perspectives than just my own.

[DaddyKens]

You have been given some very good advice here and I think inside you know most of it anyway. Just some reassurance needed methinks.

 

All my life I have been the strong one, never needed support then lost it all in one foul sweep so I think I know how you feel. Becoming the one who needs the support has made me feel that I won't be enough for any potential partner and has put me off looking for 10 years now.

 

As you have already said, you just need to accept that you will be the one needing support and He is not going to leave because of it. People do leave sometimes but He sounds as if he is in it for the long run so sit back and enjoy.

 

Happy New Year and all the best for 2018. to both of you and to everyone else!

[MisterJ]

Illy, my dear, it comes down to this... Life is bowling: gutters and strikes; the Dude abides. You may be my little, but you're also my best mate, and, as you have reminded me so many times, an absolute Dude. 

 

That's how I see it, and anyway, I know how to make you smile at the drop of a hat. Because of this thing that has grown into 'us,' when you smile my heart fills with joy, and I smile. We all have shitty days. You know it and I know it. I've got your back, now, as do you for me; this is a new thing for both of us. Just don't make me bring out my plethora of hysterical accents... 

 

Everyone deserves good vibes, love, a healthy challenge, and someone who provides them when you can't find them for yourself. It's a rare thing to attract, yet somehow we found one another. For that, I am always going to be grateful.

 

Know that a rock cannot function and flourish without the sea to crash against it. I bet if rocks had a language, they would call waves "Stones," and I bet they're grateful that each one flung at them makes them more like a mountain.

 

If my advice is worth anything, remember where you are in your life right now. Be where you are right now. It's not an easy, or common place, to be. But it will make you stronger - if that is possible - my gorgeous little rock...

 

Thanks to all those who have shown Illy their support through this thread, and the forum in general; she has a big heart, and you all help to fill it.

 

Happy 2018 to you all!

[Little Illy]

If my advice is worth anything, remember where you are in your life right now. Be where you are right now. It's not an easy, or common place, to be. But it will make you stronger - if that is possible - my gorgeous little rock...

 

Thanks to all those who have shown Illy their support through this thread, and the forum in general; she has a big heart, and you all help to fill it.

 

Happy 2018 to you all!

 

....get off my thread and stop making me emotional...

 

Um... *shuffles*... tanks. I will live for the moment... it is good advice. But you have to do it with me...

[MisterJ]

....get off my thread and stop making me emotional...

 

Um... *shuffles*... tanks. I will live for the moment... it is good advice. But you have to do it with me...

 

Deal.