Feeling guilty of being needy

[Petitchat]

Hi, this is my first topic and I'm not sure how to express myself clearly so I apologize for for the long post that'll follow. I have a massive guilt problem in life. I always feel guilty if someone is hurt even very indirectly because of me, I feel guilty of taking someone's time away from anything, I feel guilty of people spending money on me etc. The problem is that I'm also a needy person. I'm usually a very cheerful person but I often feel depressive even if that doesn't last long.

When I'm sad I really need my boyfriend but I can't bring myself to reach out to him most of the time. We are in a LDR but see each other at least once a month for a few days to more than a week's time, and we keep in touch throughout the day. We have been seeing each other for a few months now and became official 2 months ago, and it's great really. I feel so comfortable with him that I introduced him to this dynamic and he was very accepting and willing to try it with me. He told me he's happy to take care of me and to "baby" me when I need it. The problem is that it's very difficult for me to tell him when I need him.

 

I know that it probably comes from my father mainly, and also my grandmother, who were very hard with me growing up and constantly telling that I was annoying and other nice things... He keeps telling me that I don't annoy him and I should stop thinking like this, but it's not like it's a switch I can turn off. And I feel doubly guilty because by being constantly afraid of annoying him, I know I'll end up doing exactly that. He already scolded me several times for not telling him when I was not feeling good or not trusting him to be honest with me (when he tells me I don't annoy him...), or even not sending any text when I know he's with friends because I don't want to bother him.

 

Does anyone have this problem? Because I have trouble reconciling my little side with this guilt problem. I have had this problem in past relationships, because my boyfriends or girlfriend found me too distant or like I didn't care, when in truth I'm just so scared of being too needy that I end up looking like the opposite. This is the first time I'm showing my little side to a partner, and he's been great about it but I'm just so afraid that by expressing the clinginess I have even as an adult I'll be too much as my little self. I do like time apart, and activities that don't involve partners because I need myself time regularly, but I love being reassured by texts or calls during those just to keep a connection, and I end up going the 0 communication route because I always feel like I'll be intruding on people's alone time. I'm at a point where I regularly think of breaking up because I know I'll end up beng too much and I prefer it comes from me so I suffer less... 

 

Sorry for the long post and thank you in advance for any advice you can give

[Guest Namsoejones]

Its funny because me and my little have been in nearly the exact same situation, we've been together for a few months too and are in kind of long distance we see each other once or twice a week. My little suffers from sczhophinia and she was a bit like you too she used to worry that I would get annoyed if she messaged me to much or burdened me with her problems.

 

After we had a conversation about it I told her that I don't mind, she can tell me anything whenever she needs to and to never have to feel like she is messaging or calling me to much and it has definitely made us much closer. Now she has no problem with being needy, she gets upset and sends crying emojis when I'm busy lol and when we are on the phone late she begs me to stay on longer and not go to bed and I can honestly say that I love feeling needed and it doesn't bother me at all.

 

My advice to you would be to be honest with him, it's understandable that you feel being needy could become annoying to your bf but I can tell you from the perspective of a daddy that has a needy little that when you care about your little you want to be there for her especially when she's feeling down.

 

Hopefully you find this helpful in some way, good luck :-)

Edited December 20, 2017 by Namsoejones

[Guest infinitecases]

I'm exactly the same way you are with my Daddy and feeling guilty for wanting to be taken care of - maybe you could try having your daddy say it in a calm, reassuring way that next time you should tell him whenever you're feeling down etc instead of scolding you as sometimes that has an opposite reaction and make you hide yourself a bit more?

 

I find it hard conveying I want to be little/want affection and even when I do, I sometimes find it hard it then accept the affection or be little - it gets easier as time goes by though and whilst you may feel it's easier to then say nothing at all, remind yourself that if you're upset or not communicating properly, it hurts your boyfriend too. Breaking up with someone you love is never the solution, there's only so long you can go pushing people away before you end up alone and you'll have lost a very good relationship because you were afraid of being too much for them! If he says it's okay, it really is okay so try and tell your boyfriend things or message him however much you want even if you feel guilty and over time, the feeling might decrease  

[Petitchat]

Thank you for both of your answers

My use of the word "scolding" was a bit strong, he doesn't get angry or anything, he scolds me very softly but I always feel bad for disappointing him like this

I've talked to him about this and he's going to try to be more open with me too so I stop feeling like it's exclusively me being needy and it feels like more of an exchange. I don't think I'll be done feeling guilty for everything but I'm trying, and he's being very patient with me so fingers crossed. I definitely feel better after talking with him, I don't know why I was scared of doing it... I thought maybe he would think I'm too much work? But he's lovely and supportive and that helps me a lot, knowing that he does like taking care of me, that he doesn't feel forced. I hope I'll get better at this