My daddy is afraid of having control

[Guest Rose_loves_daddy]

I would looove for my daddy to make rules for me, but he never goes through with enforcing them because he doesn't want to be too controlling. I keep telling him it's okay and it's a dynamic I want and he doesn't have to feel bad...i don't want to pressure him into something he's not comfortable with but I would like him to be more involved in care giving. Any thoughts/advice ?

[A Cuddly Dom]

Well, firstly, make sure you have several sit down conversations about the dynamic. Both of you will need to map out what you want your relationship to look and feel like. Discuss limits, boundaries, possible rules and punishments together at length. Keeping a notebook to make notes in is a good way to come back and review together as time passes.

 

Now, after negotiations, provided he is really interested in the dynamic, start slow. A lot of men from my generation and onward have had it pounded into us that we are not supposed to take on a dominant role in a relationship. He may have an emotional block there, which prevents him from stepping into this new role. It takes time and patience to deprogram some of that stuff. So, be gentle in how you ask him to lead you, and support him emotionally if he starts to beat himself up over the internal conflict.

 

You both have to communicate openly and honestly for this to work. Try starting with something simple as a rule, and if he doesn't enforce it, gently remind him that you broke the rule. If he still doesn't respond with an appropriate punishment, either he is not ready, or is not truly interested in being a disciplinarian on that level.

 

It's hard to know where he is at without his input as well. So, that's my advice for starters. Also, if he isn't a member here already, encourage him to join and converse with other CGs here. Quite a few of us are friendly and willing to help out where we can.

 

Best wishes and good luck!

[BDynamicSM]

I agree with "A Cuddly Dom" I saw this while lurking and made an account not just to say this part but the express my own slow introduction that started with LDR and primarily in the D/S and M/S dynamic. I was never able to hand over my submission as it's not in my nature some parties believe that it is integral to do so atleast once but that's a topic for a different time. When I first had my IRL experience it was nearly traumatic but only resulted in some repairable hurt feelings for the sub with thoughts along the lines of "Am I not worth your dominance" This was repaired by explaining it was emotionally taxing on me.

 

I was raised by a single mother during times where as "A Cuddly Dom" explains we were indoctrinated not to allow dominant behaviors to shine through, a progressive stance but without proper education and willingmess to learn in the BDSM community I would still feel like I am not living up to my potential in Dominant roles or even worse hiding in a Vanilla relationship where I am unfulfilled and without nurturing my Dominance would never have come go fruition.

 

Here is what worked for me, it wasn't traumatizing as not being able to perform in a position of dominance when it was all I really wanted and it took an amazing and experienced sub to do so.

 

A unmistakable power vacuum was created the submission in the room was almost palatable which put me in a position to equalize it. This was done with very traditional D/S dynamics the teaching beforehand and online play were critical in taking it to this level. "Elizabeth Cramer" Has a book -"Doms Guide to Training a Sub" it's available on Play Books she also wrote one for subs this is now my go to in selecting a potential partner but for this focus on the Doms version it is easily reverse engineered to "Make your Dom flourish" allow yourself to read it allow your partner to read it, share and discuss then enact it's important to remember this book is NOT a blueprint to your relationship but a teaching tool in what can be expected like most things in the lifestyle "Take what you need and leave the rest"

 

To create this power vacuum you must be ready to bare yourself without discretion or hesitation I find this is easily received in a "Submission Position" you can find these online, take one and simply say without or even with eye contact depending on your dynamic "How can I serve Sir" there is your vacuum it is then on him to fill it, if he has the capacity to be dominant this will help that flower, some circles may perceive it as "Topping from the bottom" because its an absolute question that can only be answered with an absolute but in reality it's guiding, its submitting for real and it is letting him/her know that they have power here.

[Petitchat]

Hello, I'm a newbie at both this website and this dynamic so not necessarily the best to give advice, but I'll give you my perspective as a little/middle in a newly ddlg relationship. The main thing in my own relationship is to go progressively. My boyfriend is kinda my daddy, but not yet. At first he didn't know about this dynamic at all, I'd already shown him my submissive side and he liked it. He's not an overly dominant man and he was somewhat uncomfortable with being this way with me because he felt like he was degrading me. I'm actually taking the time to explain and show him why and how, and why it's something I want and not something that's degrading me and on the contrary, a sign that he respects and cares for me.

 

He's being more and more confortable in his role, and willing to try new things without me even prompting him because we take the time to go through the ins and the outs of everything. For example, I don't just tell him I want some rule, I explain to him why I want it and why it would work for me. And honestly it's working for both of us very well. Maybe you both need to talk things through more? If he feels like he doesn't want to be more controlling, maybe it's because he doesn't understand that that kind of control is exactly something you need, and that if he overdoes it anyway you have a safeword or something.

 

My boyfriend didn't understand how this dynamic was an exchange of power and not just someone controlling the other. But little by little, by talking about everything, we're managing to find a balance and he's more secure in his role.

 

Good luck

Edited December 21, 2017 by Petitchat

[MrJohnny]

Thank you very much for posting this, and thanks also to those who have replied so far. This is a post I will be following because this is an area of difficulty for me in this dynamic.

[Bunny Papa]

Deleted Edited January 28, 2018 by Bunny Papa

[MadelynVictoria]

Maybe have him start with small things, like picking your clothes out for you, or deciding on a bedtime for you. Small aspects where he'd have some control, and work onto bigger things, and then onto discipline. It might take him awhile to get into the dynamic, so slowing giving him control might help him get into it more easily I hope it works out for you two Edited December 30, 2017 by MadelynVictoria