Communication is Vital

[Little Illy]

*Waves* Hey everyone. Devil’s advocate is back. And this time I would like to discuss the importance of communication. I could write a book on communication, as everyone could, so I will narrow the scope down to relationships. With a specific focus on the CG/L dynamic. For sake of time and space, the titles I will be referencing will be DDlg - this is not to diminish any other dynamic, but rather to keep consistency.

 

Necessity

 

To start this out I think it is necessary to state the obvious. Communication is literally the sole foundation of any relationship, especially an intimate one. Without communication - from here on referred to as Comm - any type of interaction will have their pitfalls and is easier prey to breaking down.

 

Without Comm a person always runs the risk of engaging in something they are averse to. Typically in the DDlg dynamic it means they are with the wrong type of Daddy or the wrong type of little. This dynamic and lifestyle is extraordinarily fluid and no two people are the same. As such, they require vastly different things when looking for a partner. All too often people start a relationship without really delving into the depth of Comm that truly is needed. And this isn’t always a bad thing. It can work and they can develop in their own unique fashion. That is the beauty of relationships; different things work for different people. However, if there are never any means of Comm, then the pair ultimately get stumped and different emotions begin acting as little demons against them.

 

Confusion - You always see confusion happen when starting a relationship or when one or both people seem to be unsure what to expect or what is happening when it deviates from the “norm”. And this typically happens because there is a lot of self-doubt and unsure footing. When you don’t have Comm, certain factors of an intended relationship are missed and when these things aren’t fulfilled the person is left to wonder why.

 

“Well, I thought all Daddies gave their littles good morning messages. Why isn’t mine? I thought that was how it goes…” “Why doesn’t my little like stuffies? I thought she did, why doesn’t she want to go get one with me? Why is this?”

 

Each individual has their own preferences and without Comm you are left to base your instincts off of a stereotype. I’ll give you a real example: I am a little who hates pink. I hate it and my favorite color is blue. I get the line “I thought you were little… why don’t you like pink?” all the time. Daddies and littles are generally confused because I don’t like the “normal” color. And before any potential Daddy knows this about me, he assumes I want pink stuffies, pink pacis, pink ribbons, pink, pink, pink. And when I don’t want these things, he is left confused. Yet simple Comm will let him know that I prefer blue. But if I never tell him, how is he supposed to know the issue is the color and not the type of stuffie. Or type or ribbon or toy?

 

Frustration - Not knowing what your partner needs or requires is an incredibly frustrating feeling. How do you know if they are looking for something serious or if they just want a fling? Well… what is their definition of serious? You two could have vastly different perspectives. And if you go in thinking “serious” means mutually exclusive, long term commitment and then find out their “serious” is mutually exclusive but is only short term you two are now at an impasse. Do you roll with it and hope for the best? End it because you need something more lasting? Discuss it hoping to change their mind? But what if they are incapable of long term for whatever reason? You two have been together for two months and are extremely compatible, yet here you are debating on how “serious” you two are. This is where frustration comes in. You two weren’t on the same page for a key element of your relationship and now you two are forced to face the unpleasant consequences that are coming from it. And they could have been avoided if this had been discussed two months ago.

 

Hurt - Hurt is probably the most prominent emotion resulting in lack of Comm. And I see this a lot on behalf of the littles of the community. Many times I see a little hurting because they are not engaging in frequent contact with their Daddy. This can be for many, legitimate reasons, but it all boils down to the Daddy is not explaining his distance. Do NOT get me wrong, littles are notorious for this as well. Many times Daddies are stumped when they cannot get ahold of their little and are left wondering if she is okay, safe and doing what she needs to take care of herself. But a lot of time hurts come from lack of the little Comms. A text explaining Daddy is going to be late at work goes a long way. Or that the little is feeling icky and doesn’t want to talk. These means of Comm relieve so much stress and worry that when not delivered, the other partner gets hurt wondering why they couldn’t have known in the first place.

 

“Why didn’t he tell me he was going out to the store? I thought we were going to talk tonight? Did I do something wrong? Maybe he doesn’t want to talk to me… maybe he doesn’t care about me…” “Why hasn’t she read my messages? Is she okay? Has her depression flared up? What can I do to help her? Is she in a safe place? What do I do? Am I good enough to help her through this?”

 

You can see how the lack of little Comms can create a negative stream of consciousness that can quickly lead to hurt feelings. And am I saying that this is how it will always happen? Not at all! Am I saying that you need to express your whereabouts to your partner for every minute of every day? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But those times you are out of your schedule or are in a different situation, one little form of Comm will speak volumes and help prevent these issues.

 

Resentment - Confusion, frustration and hurt feelings all wind up in one area, and that is resentment. When there isn’t sufficient Comm in a relationship you then have two people who are putting in exhausted effort where it could be spent loving each other in a more affectionate way. When a person tries and tries and tries to achieve something in a relationship, or dynamic, but is only to be stumped by simple lack of Comm, it makes a person want to give up. To just stop trying. And this feels like a small (or not so small) failure that is then turned onto the partner. And this isn’t totally unexpected.

 

“What do you mean you have wanted weekly date nights? Why didn’t you tell me? We work so much, I thought the alone time at home was special. I didn’t know you wanted to go clubbing, to go out to dinner so often. I have been trying to keep work at work so it is just us at home. If I would have known that is what you wanted…”

 

If a couple starts to resent each other, there is typically very little that can be done at this point. Does that mean they are doomed to fail and can never work on said issues? ABSOLUTELY NOT!  But most people at this stage are exhausted and do not want to put in any more effort. Sometimes this is totally justified, other times not so much. But the break down dissolves to lack of Comm and typically is stemmed from one (or both) parties trying to stifle a part of themselves.

 

Why do I point this out? Well... do they sound familiar? Have they happened to you? I know they have happened to me. And they are here to show you how easily some missed Comm can spiral out of control.

 

Misconception

 

There are many misconceptions about Comm, but since I could write just about a hundred pages on that alone, I will focus on the most common misconception there is. And that is that your partner can read your mind or just -knows- what you want/need, and vice versa. This mentality, this assumption, this STUBBORNNESS will destroy any and all relationships. Always.

 

Your partner CANNOT automatically know what you need from a relationship without you spelling it out. And sometimes you need to spell it out letter by letter and not just word by word. The DDlg (and BDSM) dynamic is incredibly vast, fluid and diverse and people like so many array of things that to assume one thing is inherently flawed.

 

“Oh, you’re a little. You must love stuffies.” “If you are a Daddy you need to love letting me cute my way out of punishments.” But wait… I am a little who actually does not like stuffies, but rather prefers porcelain dolls.” “I am sorry, but I am a disciplinarian. I expect my rules to be followed, and punishments to be dealt out swiftly and accurately. And they are not fun, they are here for a reason.”

 

All too often people become frustrated because they are being treated a certain way by their S/O… but then do nothing about it. This is when you see the dynamic between them start to split, even just a crack. And without utilizing Comm, there will be no way to rectify the situation. This will eventually lead to them breaking up. And it is no one’s fault really, other than the fact that they didn’t feel comfortable enough to open up and discuss these things together.

 

When in a relationship there is this unspoken obligation to discuss important preferences with your partner. It seems that people are too shy, too afraid, too whatever it may be to do so, but the current theme is lack of Comm. I, personally, have seen dozens of topics and posts asking for advice about a relationship and the only thing I can think of to say is “communicate more.” I will say, in my opinion, that nine times out of ten the solution to most problems in a relationship stems down to lack of communication. It is totally understandable that a topic may be too “much” for a person to feel comfortable broaching, but if they want to be able to move past whatever issue has arisen, then it needs to be talked about.

 

At the end of the day…

 

Comm will answer all of your problems. And I mean this literally - because even if it means breaking up, you are AWARE of what is going on. You know where you two stand and why it didn’t work. And most importantly… own up to your responsibility.

 

You HAVE the responsibility to express your needs.

You HAVE the responsibility to express your wants.

You HAVE the responsibility to understand your partner.

You HAVE the responsibility to understand what you BOTH are looking for.

You HAVE the responsibility to understand what you BOTH are going to put forth effort wise.

 

And you HAVE the responsibility to go to your partner whenever something changes or happens unexpectedly.

 

Comm is your key to happiness because comm is the only way to get what you are truly looking for in a partner and a relationship. And since we are all adults, we have an obligation to the person we are with to us comm to the best of our abilities. And as a little I will say - being a little is NOT an excuse to not sit down with your partner and explain yourself. Again, it may be hard, uncomfortable, gross, and anxiety filled, but it is NECESSARY. And if you cannot do this, then its not fair to the person you are with, and honestly, means you might (highlight, MIGHT) not be able to be in a relationship at all.

 

Because with all of the comm between you and your partner, you also have to be honest and open with yourself. If you don’t even understand where you are coming from with your needs, preferences, expectations, etc… how can your partner? Be an adult, man (or woman) up and be honest with yourself. Help yourself help your partner.

 

Otherwise… relationships will (probably) continue to fail and/or be more difficult than needed.

 

As I always say…. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY!

 

[i did not proofread or edit this post; my apologies for any typos or mistakes.]

 

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

**breaks out into applause**

[sullenDaddybones]

You're very right, I love this post. The biggest issue between long distances is communication. If two people aren't on the same page it won't be happy or it won't be long. Inevitably without it, it's either going to end or be very miserable. You're a wonderful Little and your Daddy is fortunate to have you.

 

Such intellect and insight... 

[Guest Ally_cat]

*slow claps turn to applause* Preach it Illy!! this was so amazing!! 

[Little Illy]

Aw shucks, guys. Tanks a lot. Communication is something I feel very very very very deeply about.  ....obviously. And I just want to help people realize they can easily fix their problems if they take a little time to talk (of course not all problems can be fixed, just saying, yada yada yada).

[JackOfSomeTrades]

This was a great read for anyone in *any* sort of relationship right on down to "just" friendships. It's amazing how many problems find their root in either a complete lack of communication or misunderstandings if communications just weren't clearly sent or received. It's certainly a life-long pursuit to communicate effectively as often as one can.

[sullenDaddybones]

Think of the American Civil War, studying it right now. A break down in communication can lead to a lot more than losing one friend. Also a lack of 'understanding and compassion'........(we are all alike)

This was a great read for anyone in *any* sort of relationship right on down to "just" friendships. It's amazing how many problems find their root in either a complete lack of communication or misunderstandings if communications just weren't clearly sent or received. It's certainly a life-long pursuit to communicate effectively as often as one can.

[Little Illy]

Bumping this for current.... reasons....

[Bunny Papa]

Deleted Edited January 28, 2018 by Bunny Papa

[Little Illy]

Bumping again for current trends

[Guest Looby-Lou]

Thanks for sharing another valuable, thought-provoking piece of your writing! Communication is a HUGE thing for me and reading your post has helped me to clarify what I mean by that, and you've given examples that I could literally show to someone else and say "read this please, it says everything I want to say!"  I recently broke up with a guy because of his unwillingness (or inability) to communicate. Communication is the foundation of ANY relationship, and just like a building only being as strong as it's foundations, well so is every relationship IMO.  

[Dhocks35]

Communication is, as you say, extremely important.  I've been finding it more and more that a little I come across tends not to talk to me or let me know what's going on, or why they haven't been messaging me back.  As a daddy with some anxiety, I find it necessary to at least send a message explaining at least SOMETHING as time goes on.  Recently I went out to meet someone who said she was looking for something serious, and long term, which resides with me because I'm not a fling type of person.  We went out, she had a few drinks throughout the night, and I was thinking that everything would be fine and dandy.  The next day, after she had a long day of sleep, she was texting me just the same calling me "daddy" and letting me know we had plans for the next week, even receiving the text, "You're the perfect daddy".  She then continued to ghost me for the rest of the weekend.  I sent my friend to message her, just to see if she would respond after ignoring me for 2 days straight, and she replied within 20 min. She replied saying that she was looking for someone to get to know. So please, just make sure to let someone know, even if you're not interested, so they don't waster their time trying to figure out what's going on.

[neko]

I am bringing this post back because I am getting sick and tired of all these Littles making posts about how they dont like something their Caregiver is doing but refuse to talk to them about the problem

[Little Illy]

I am bringing this post back because I am getting sick and tired of all these Littles making posts about how they dont like something their Caregiver is doing but refuse to talk to them about the problem

 

I keep bringing some of these (and posts of other's I see) back but I feel like they never read them. Almost, fruitless if you will...

[Little Illy]

ADDITION (cuz I forget if I added it in there and Im too lazy to reread it for the billionth time):

 

If you cannot explain your needs, wants, and fears to your partner then you should not be with them. You should never be in a relationship where you feel you cannot safely or comfortably approach your partner with elements of your relationship.

 

I cannot express this enough! so many topics have been popping up where the person has this issue, yet they NEVER discussed it with their parnter. Things may be hard to discuss, I'm totally insecure and I understand. But if you value your own happiness, health and relationship then you NEED to be with someone you can talk to about EVERYTHING!!! IF you have to hide something from your parner... you're already going down hill. TAKE THE TIME TO COMMUNICATE! IT WILL SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS!

[Little Illy]

ADDITION (cuz I forget if I added it in there and Im too lazy to reread it for the billionth time):

 

If you cannot explain your needs, wants, and fears to your partner then you should not be with them. You should never be in a relationship where you feel you cannot safely or comfortably approach your partner with elements of your relationship.

 

I cannot express this enough! so many topics have been popping up where the person has this issue, yet they NEVER discussed it with their parnter. Things may be hard to discuss, I'm totally insecure and I understand. But if you value your own happiness, health and relationship then you NEED to be with someone you can talk to about EVERYTHING!!! IF you have to hide something from your parner... you're already going down hill. TAKE THE TIME TO COMMUNICATE! IT WILL SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS!

 

Bumping....

[Guest Little Otter]

Keep this thread alive, cuz there's NOTHING more important than communication in a relationship! Wonderful post Illy <3

[Guest littlegirl707]

AWE Thank you for this post. This is key. Everyone is so different and as a human we tend to stero type what we think is the way. Well we were all raised differently. We all take everything different body language, how one uses tones. We assume. So if we don't talk to one another we lose so much. As a little i have to always go to a partner and say what do you mean by this or that. I was rasied by some crazy humans. I had to learn the four agreements to get through friendships and be ok in this life. As a little tho, we get so hurt so easily that we have to tell our daddy's alot. I'm so grateful for your post. Well written do write a book for ddlg. Bravo Girly!!!

[Little Illy]

Well written do write a book for ddlg. Bravo Girly!!!

 

Thank you, LG707!  I am actually playing with the idea of being a DDlg author as it is woefully underrepresented in written work. So that means a lot to me!

[little4us]

Great post, that's it!

[Guest DuckDaddy66]

Thank you, LG707!  I am actually playing with the idea of being a DDlg author as it is woefully underrepresented in written work. So that means a lot to me!

And you should be ....

[Guest SayiaBoo]

I wish more people thought communication was important.

[Brokenbouncy]

I was just talking to my sister about communication and how small things without it can get to resentment.

This is a great post that everyone should read in its entirety. Seems like a lot of people on forums ask for advice on things they haven't talked to their partners about and that is crazy. Communication is hard, honestly I'm only ok at it because my Daddy is amazing at it and he taught me patiently. We will be married 7 years tomorrow even though we are very compatible and don't fight or argue i believe out relationship is super positive and happy because we tell each other absolutely everything. I mean we are so open is almost ridiculous haha.