How to get trust back?

[Firedancer]

My marriage (of more than a decade) naturally ended up with a DDlg dynamic over 2 years ago. Things were going so well, I was writing in my journal about how amazing it was to feel taken care of, all the effort he would put in to understand my feelings etc was so much more than ever before in our relationship. So much good things, we were so happy.

 

A few months ago our son had a minor eye injury where he scratched his cornea. DD was helping me to put his ointment in his eye, and our son fought a bit because he was afraid of getting medicine in his eye as most people would. For some reason DD decided that trying to hold him down for me to put it in would work. Immediately our son just started crying and screaming because now he was really scared. I asked over and over for him to let him go we can't do it that way, you're just scaring him more etc. For what felt like forever he ignored me while our son screamed because of being held like that. I felt frantic and defeated as he continued to not listen to my pleas to let him go and I said to him I don't recognize you right now, crying. I still don't understand why this power struggle occurred at all. I felt like I tried to say so many things.  It ended up that I threatened to call the police, I didn't know what else to do. While he may not have been physically hurting him, I was seeing our child in severe emotional distress and felt powerless to stop it. Soon after that he stopped, left in the car.  

 

While he was gone I managed to calm our son down and console him. Explained why we needed to put the medicine in, asked him to let me know when he was ready for me to do it, within 15 minutes of DD leaving, I was able to do it with no problem.  Our son bounced right back from this as if it didn't happen.
 

I pleaded with DD via txt to come back. He did come back then, but nothing was discussed.  I was devastated, the damage had been done. That night I sat outside and cried. It felt like the poor relationship I had had with my real dad suddenly. All that hurt came back. I haven't felt suicidal in over 20 years since I was a teenager, but I looked at the cars driving by, I thought about jumping in front of one. I didn't know how to move on from it.  I just felt like my life was over.  After I don't know how long, I went inside, wrote down all my hurt in my journal, ruining the journal forever, I haven't written in it since.

 

The next day I tried to talk a bit about it, but the only thing he said at the end was "If you call the police, we will be getting a divorce."  This just devastated me more. Now I had mistrust and abandonment fear.  I tried to get him to see, how scared I was in that moment, I was trying to say whatever I could to get him to listen, but he said nothing else. 

After this nothing was the same.  He would try to do things like we did before, and I would just be sad.  Like he would order me to give him a blow job, and I would just feel sad/used.  He would do various things that we always did, hold my neck like I like during sex, and I would feel sad or even scared.  I couldn't even figure out what was wrong myself at first, but I realized my trust was just still shattered.  So one night, I asked him if we could just start at square one.  Go back to a vanilla relationship, let it all come back naturally, regain trust. 
Here we are, 3 months later.  I don't feel like this is working. Our relationship is just suffering now.   I find myself repeating myself so often about things I thought he listened to me about over and over, he's just never present.  He has checked out almost entirely.  Sex is usually just quickies lately.   Do I need to try to go back to the normal of DDlg and just slow work through the feelings of mistrust instead?  Do I need to get him to finally actually directly discuss what happened and why it was so damaging to me as a little?  There really was never any closure after the divorce threat.  I even had him, early on, read the journal entry I had written that night, about the hurt I was feeling, why it hurt so badly. He never discussed it, I feel like he just read it and completely blocked it out.

I just don't know what to do, and now every time we have even a minor disagreement (and there's more than ever now), I feel my world crashing down again.  Where do we go from here?

[Guest JayRingo77]

It sounds curt but find a professional.  Get in a some kind of neutral environment with or without a mediator so that each of you can express your perspectives of what has changed and your feelings of loss as a result.  The environment sounds too emotionally charged with fear of what might happen to allow for effective communication.  His perspective needs to be heard as well.  As a father having been in this exact situation, that desire to do what's best for the child can be overwhelming and toxic; however, being threatened when trying to do what he thought was right and best has made him question loyalties and how he prioritized the situation - getting the medicine in was more important than any other discomfort the child was feeling because it involved preserving his eyesight.  Try to talk to him about what he felt in those moments and understand what led to the confrontation.  From there you might be able to break down the barriers and start communicating.

 

This is a hard one and it will take time to get back to the trust you shared; it's not impossible.

 

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.

[Guest DaddyCares1]

He sounds so indifferent about the pain he's caused you, and you sound broken. The threat of divorce if you try to protect yourself, shows the type of man you're with.

 

I don't think this is a healthy relationship.

[TampaDaddy]

You haven't mentioned the elephant in the room, the long term effects on your son.  You've basically told your son not to trust his father, because his father might do something to hurt him.  And he should go to his mother for "protection" from his father.  The fact is, you didn't know when, if EVER, your son would allow you to apply the medicine.  If you would have taken a deep breath, reassured your son in a soothing voice, and applied the medicine when your husband was holding him, he would've seen he had no reason to be frightened in the first place and that he needed to do as he was told.  The medicine would have been applied sooner, and the entire ordeal would have been over in a few seconds, followed by lots of love and cuddling all around.  He would know he could trust both of you, that he needed to obey both of you, and that the two of you represent a unified authority.  Best of all, your relationship would not have suffered.  You allowed your son to "win," when you should have supported your husband.  I can only imagine the hurt your husband must have felt, trying to do something medically necessary to help your son, just to have you go into hysterics and threaten him with the police when he was doing nothing wrong.

 

Just think, what would they have done in a hospital?  The doctor would have called a nurse to assist and they would have done exactly what your husband was doing, held him down and applied the medicine.  I'm not saying you should've supported your husband if he was doing something outrageous and unreasonable, but he wasn't.  That's just my opinion as a parent for over a quarter century.

Edited November 13, 2017 by TampaDaddy

[meows kohai]

You haven't mentioned the elephant in the room, the long term effects on your son. You've basically told your son not to trust his father, because his father might do something to hurt him. And he should go to his mother for "protection" from his father. The fact is, you didn't know when, if EVER, your son would allow you to apply the medicine. If you would have taken a deep breath, reassured your son in a soothing voice, and applied the medicine when your husband was holding him, he would've seen he had no reason to be frightened in the first place and that he needed to do as he was told. The medicine would have been applied sooner, and the entire ordeal would have been over in a few seconds, followed by lots of love and cuddling all around. He would know he could trust both of you, that he needed to obey both of you, and that the two of you represent a unified authority. Best of all, your relationship would not have suffered. You allowed your son to "win," when you should have supported your husband. I can only imagine the hurt your husband must have felt, trying to do something medically necessary to help your son, just to have you go into hysterics and threaten him with the police when he was doing nothing wrong.

 

Just think, what would they have done in a hospital? The doctor would have called a nurse to assist and they would have done exactly what your husband was doing, held him down and applied the medicine. I'm not saying you should've supported your husband if he was doing something outrageous and unreasonable, but he wasn't. That's just my opinion as a parent for over a quarter century.

 

I was so worried about coming off harsh that I wasn't going to post, but you took the words right out of my mouth.

[LittleGirlEmilia]

You threatened him with the police? Like, "Hello? Police please! My husband is trying to give our son eye drops!"

 

As a kid, I had to be pinned down for eye drops because it stiiiiiings SO bad, my dad had to hold my nose because I refused medicine too. It tastes horrible.

 

Have you two sat down as adults and talked about what happened that night? Do you overreact to a lot of things or is this a one off?

[PinkiePie84]

I understand where you're coming from. People who don't have children might not understand. You have every right to protect your child and there is no reason in the world you should have to do it from his father. Kids aren't our property and no one gets to make kids do whatever they want.

 

Holding your kid down and making them do something is a good way to teach them it's ok for adults to control their bodies.

 

I would write him a letter again. Including that and that it looks pretty bad for him to tell you you cant call the police if you're scared. Why would he even take it to the level that you had to get that hysterical? He's being a jerk.

[PinkiePie84]

And I've had to take my kid to the hospital to have an object removed from his ear, and they REFUSED to hold him down while he cried. They were upset we had tried to. They said because they're there to help not TRAUMATIZE.

[Guest Alainnb]

Can everyone else here please calm down a bit...? She's clearly broken and the last you should do is tell her it was all her fault because she messed up without a reason when she already thought about suicide...?

I'm sorry that people can be so rude here.... especially because they are talking about something you didn't even ask for..... this is not a question about whether it was his or your fault, it's about that you now have trust issues. And quite honestly, I can understand where they're coming from... you wanted to protect your child, it was pretty scared and they whole thing probably looked abusive for you. Now, that's okay because I would have seen it the same way you did.
What probably made you loose your trust tho, was, that he didn't stop and completely ignored you. I mean, he at least could have explained himself and that it has to be done that way, right...? It's the child of both of you, so you had a right to say something about it as well, right? Yes, you had. And usually, you let it go shortly and discuss things. The thing is not that he held your child down and that you didn't want it, but that he disrespected you as a grown up person and just did whatever he thought was right. And that's why you know are scared that he won't stop if you say stop again.

I don't quite understand why people here don't seem to get it..... it's the same way as if he ignored the so holy safeword. He forced his will on you ( or so it seems, we don't know the whole story after all) even though you clearly said "no". So your brain now thinks " If he didn't listen to me then, would he even listen to me during breath play or press until I get no air anymore?" That's a pretty normal reaction from your brain.

I'd say you should REALLY sit down seriously and talk about your points of view... and not only " If you call the police, we're getting divorced" because he clearly is threatening you in a way with this and it doesn't make you understand his side more, only less. If he's not willing to tell you directly, maybe you should try out a couple therapy and he firstly talks with the therapist about this alone.... if he's unwilling to do this completely.... well.... I guess you can either go back to being a vanilla couple until the trust has been rebuild ( It can take a loooong time tho > < ) or... well....... after all, a relationship can't keep on going without trust and communication.... those two are building the foundation of a working, healthy relationship and if he's not willing to put any effort in it, that's too bad..... however, I'd wait with it until every other way of dealing with it has failed.... or, like I said, you stay in a vanilla relationship and be little alone when he's not there...

All advices we can give you and everyone ( including me) judging over the situation can be wrong tho because we are not you two and don't know everything... > <

[Guest Mister Grey]

@Alainnb Ironically you are telling us not to give our opinion because basically you “can understand where they're coming from”.

 

I might agree that he might have been a little too aggressive, but he was not beating the child, and she never mentioned he was even hurting him, only that he was being held down and that the kid did not obviously want to take the medicine.  (A kid that doesn’t want to take medicine?  unheard of right? <insert sarcasm here>)

 

Your the Mother.  Well he is the father.  There are going to be times you may disagree on how to do things, but you should never, ever….EVER undermine one parent in front of the kid.  What you did is even beyond undermining and worse, your reason for doing so basically comes down to a father trying to put medicine in the eye of his son.

 

Think of the seed you have planted in your son about his father.  What that will turn too, what it can grow into.  

 

I understand you wanted a different way and I get it, I truly and honestly do…but honestly, and be truly honest…your kid was crying and upset and rebellious, but was his father hurting him?

 

Children dont understand things like we do.  To them the world always keeps going and dont fully comprehend the ramifications of partial or complete blindness and all for not putting a drop in the eye?  

 

“I’m going to call the police”….really, are you serious?  Like you need to stop for a second and think about that.  I mean really think about the can of worms that could potentially lead too and really think about how your son will potentially perceive these words and worst if you would have taken that action.

 

Your concerned about your feelings, but I never heard you concern yourself with his.  Its not just you.  And maybe he is not acknowledging your feelings because you have not bothered to acknowledge his.

 

In my opinion, I think you should start by apologizing to him, telling him you were wrong to make such a comment acknowledge your part in the problem and then remind him of his part in the problem.

 

Oh I know it seemed like I was on his side but no, you both have to bear some responsibility.  He could have been a little softer in his approach, he could have been a little more open to his sons fears, and more sensitive to yours but your wrong to only concentrate on what he did or didn’t do without acknowledging that you were also wrong and that what his son heard out of your mouth, cannot be undone…ever.

 

Your concerned about losing trust in him…what about the trust he lost in you?

 

 

I think this was something that just spiraled in the heat of things, but I am hopeful that with some time and some communication, you can repair this.  Best of luck to you and I hope your son gets better.

[MadelynVictoria]

To be honest, it's difficult to repair a relationship where trust has been broken. I agree with talking to a marriage therapist to work through what happened with your son. You two never really worked through it. Once you actually do work through it and get past that, you might begin learning to trust him again, and your relationship will get better.

[Guest sunnybaby]

You haven't mentioned the elephant in the room, the long term effects on your son.  You've basically told your son not to trust his father, because his father might do something to hurt him.  And he should go to his mother for "protection" from his father.  The fact is, you didn't know when, if EVER, your son would allow you to apply the medicine.  If you would have taken a deep breath, reassured your son in a soothing voice, and applied the medicine when your husband was holding him, he would've seen he had no reason to be frightened in the first place and that he needed to do as he was told.  The medicine would have been applied sooner, and the entire ordeal would have been over in a few seconds, followed by lots of love and cuddling all around.  He would know he could trust both of you, that he needed to obey both of you, and that the two of you represent a unified authority.  Best of all, your relationship would not have suffered.  You allowed your son to "win," when you should have supported your husband.  I can only imagine the hurt your husband must have felt, trying to do something medically necessary to help your son, just to have you go into hysterics and threaten him with the police when he was doing nothing wrong.

 

Just think, what would they have done in a hospital?  The doctor would have called a nurse to assist and they would have done exactly what your husband was doing, held him down and applied the medicine.  I'm not saying you should've supported your husband if he was doing something outrageous and unreasonable, but he wasn't.  That's just my opinion as a parent for over a quarter century.

I've been reading through this thread and not once saw a problem with her behavior until I read your comment. Kind of eye-opening to hear what the other person ma be feeling. It makes the husband seem like an actual person and not a scary force.

[Firedancer]

I'm so glad I only read the first 2 responses to this and ended up having the needed talk with daddy and didn't come back here until I was in a better place as I am now.  Thank you Alainn - the things you said are exactly what made the breakthrough.  When I explained to him that it felt like I had used my safeword and he ignored it, and that's why I lost so much trust - we finally were able to get through the conversation with understanding.

So many of you have exposed who you are as people through your responses, not who I am at all.   I was not overreacting in any way, my son is 10 years old not a tiny child, his arms were held but he was SCREAMING at the top of his lungs with his head wildly shaking back and forth.  The ONLY way I could have put the ointment in was if I had jumped in and put him in a headlock on top of what was happening already, and then forced his eye open, AND put the ointment in - I don't have 3 hands, do you?  On top of it he is gifted, gifted children exhibit over-excitabilities.  Sometimes it takes him a bit to talk himself into doing something, just like most people, and sometimes longer because of over analyzing it.  This whole thing started within 1 minute of me getting the ointment ready and then went on for what felt like forever, daddy knows he overreacted and should have been more patient and should have listened to my pleas - not made me feel helpless to stop our son's anguish.

So now let me ask you this Care bear, housepet, Tampa daddy, Mister grey - why did you feel the need to assume I was just stupid or ridiculous?  I suppose I am now supposed to apologize for not predicting what you would assume and making sure I said everything needed to avoid your assumptions?  I don't think so.  Hopefully you'll ask yourself why you felt the need to inject assumptions in order to put me in a place where you could talk down to me.

 

Edited January 15, 2018 by Firedancer

[Guest Alainnb]

Ahhhh, I'm so happy you two worked it out!! I was actually always looking if you might have updated this post because it really touched me emotionally!

 

And you're so welcome, really! I really, really felt the strong need to respond to this after seeing all these other comments ( after the first 2-3) and I'm really happy that you didn't even read them until now and that it all worked out in the end!

 

It's also showing a lot of strength of your daddy to admit that he has been wrong, so wow <3

 

PS: I send you a friend request to maybe talk more? Would love to chat with you! <3

[Little Illy]

Firedancer - I am so happy you two have worked on the problem, but if I may?

 

The reason why the trust wasn't coming back was because you weren't ready for it to come back. You weren't ready because you two didn't communicate enough for you. And in a situation that has escalated (and I am NOT commenting on who did what here, it is not my place) to you feeling so down and your Daddy leaving, communicating and understanding each other would be the only way to fix.

 

You stated you have a history of fear, anxiety, etc. So I would just like to impart a piece of advice: You two have started the journey again! Yay! You are working together! That is the hardest step! Be proud of yourself! But there may come a time where something catches you off guard and you are reminded of this situation and it will throw out a negative light you see your Daddy in. If this happens, don't panic and be sure to express yourself to your Daddy clearly. "Daddy, right now I am feeling abused and used (taking an example from your intimacy hiccups), I'm not sure why, but I am not feeling myself and I am scared." Essentially you could say your relationship has experienced a type of trauma, things were in jeopardy and you all went through a roller coaster of extremes. And even though you may be completely over it, sometimes a flashback of those feelings can happen. Don't suppress then and make sure you continue to communicate it. Why? I will give you a personal example.

 

Something traumatic happened to me recently and as a result I have even worse trust issues. There are times when I have to go "Daddy... I am feeling very insecure and very upset. I dunno why.... but I am and I wanted you to know." He knows where the anxiety and upset feelings are coming from and because of this he is able to help me out of the dark thoughts. Though the main issue is still a continuing problem for me, Daddy is able to help me navigate these flashback emotions. Not only do I feel more secure, but it has actually brought us closer together. I would recommend this because maybe this could help you to get closer and closer together as well, as it seems like you all are going in that direction

 

Just remember, as a redirect to your original question. To get trust back, you have to openly and honestly want to trust that person. If you can't bring yourself to trust someone, there is a reason why and typically it is because you are not ready. Communication can almost always help you bridge that gap, so I am so happy you two had the talk. I really hope things get back to normal with you two and you get to write many more happy journal entries.