A Little caught lying and almost cheating

[DeepMango]

I need some help. I caught my little composing a personal ad for the website SeekingArrangement (a site for Sugarbabies and Sugardaddies) She first said it was just for the money and then she said it was just for the attention. She had even uploaded a profile there and paid for a premium membership. When I caught he she fessed up. I ask for only honesty. She then fessed up that her planned trip to Utah this trip to see some cousins she isn't very close to and involved possibly having sex with an old friend "Tim, but I can't remember his last name". She said she wouldn't do it. Yesterday she randomly shut off her Facebook profile which was weird. She said she does that occasionally (we've been living together 10 months and she hasn't done it before). She recently confessed she planned on getting her pubes waxed during the trip which set off more red flags for me. She says she's not hiding anything else and she says she really wants to be with me. Today I asked her where she was staying in Utah and she said she hadn't booked anything (except the waxing).

 

Am I being too trusting? Any ideas on what I should do to get back to full honesty?

[Guest Stinkin'ol'Fred]

If she goes I can imagine she will do what she said she set out to do.

Unfortunately, there is no sure fire way to know if she is bein 100 percent honest.

Seems like she got caught and pacified you. Just be aware. Give her trust until you absolutely know. I hope the best for y'all.

[Guest pacibrat]

If her ad was "just for attention", why did she pay for a premium membership?  She also just told you that she was planning on "possibly having sex" with someone else on her trip.  Why was she even considering it?  I don't know if you have an open relationship, but it sounds like it sort of?  

[Guest Georgia-Daddy2]

Say you want to go with her to meet her family. See how she reacts. If she says ok and you go don't worry as much. If she says no really quickly you might want to consider being single again. This is just my opinion. You do what you think is best.

[Guest DaddyCares1]

Am I being too trusting? Any ideas on what I should do to get back to full honesty?

Yes you are. Leave her. 

 

You have evidence she doesn't care about you. To me, a desire to cheat on someone is close enough to physically doing it.

 

She's treating you like shit. You sound like a good guy who cares deeply about her. This is a bad match. I really hope you don't give her the chance to hurt you further. 

[DeepMango]

If her ad was "just for attention", why did she pay for a premium membership?  She also just told you that she was planning on "possibly having sex" with someone else on her trip.  Why was she even considering it?  I don't know if you have an open relationship, but it sounds like it sort of?  

No. Not an open relationship.

[DeepMango]

Say you want to go with her to meet her family. See how she reacts. If she says ok and you go don't worry as much. If she says no really quickly you might want to consider being single again. This is just my opinion. You do what you think is best.

She's definitely cool with me meeting her family. I'm friends with her sister.

[TampaDaddy]

I have to weigh in on the side with DaddyCares1 on this one.  She's already lost any credibility and has shown you're not her "one and only."  Since it's not an open relationship, she's broken your trust.  She would never have told you if she didn't get caught.  Get out while you still can.

[Guest SUeB]

She's a liar and she has every intention of cheating. If that's all you are worth, stay with her. If you are worth more than being treated with such absolute disrespect dump her. Sorry to be so blunt, but we are all grown ups here.

[Persephone_Persephone]

No discussion tell her to sod off. She has no respect for you or herself.

I dont think id even tell her its over.Delete her number and block her. She deserves nothing.

[Guest infinitecases]

If she's considering having sex with someone else... surely that's a sign she'd be prepared to do it at some point or another? I would say to just ask her what's going on and leave - you'll always have doubt after seeing her do the things she was doing/about to do.

[Guest Urthurs]

Just throw her out with the garbage.

[Guest Andyy95]

Even if she were to be telling the truth in this case , and would be thruthful till the day she dies, it would help your relationship in no way. She planted a seed of distrust in your head with the lies she told, and that seed will only grow, no matter what she does in the future.

 

Trust is the one thing that can never be regained. Sure you may say you trust her after some time passes, but deep down you will always question everything she says and does. It will cause you endless stress and frustration. I don't demand much when i'm with someone, but i need to trust the person 100%.

 

In conclussion, u should end it sooner , rather than have it crumble apart slowly on it's own later.

 

Live long and prosper.

[Guest SUeB]

Just throw her out with the garbage.

Dude has a way of saying things quite bluntly, but saying all that really needs to be said, lol. Seconded from me on this one.

[Guest Stinkin'ol'Fred]

It's so easy to say throw her out, but actually doing it is probably gonna be much harder to do. This guy is asking for us to put our big brains together and help him see things he currently can't. As my opinion stated, I said to give her trust until you know for sure. Until you know for 100% that she is no longer a beneficial person in your life I feel like you're gonna do what you can to keep the relationship going. There's nothing wrong with that. Just be aware.

Chances are she will reactivate her Facebook once you're not around to look at it I can imagine there's some inboxes she'd be quite ashamed of. It is odd she immediately deactivated it.

My advice comes from first hand experience really. I kept a toxic relationship for far too long. And I had to learn the hard way. If I can possibly spare some one that pain by sharing then I will.

You trusting her until she messes up again puts you in a great position to have at least two possibilities

1) you trust her she messes up again, there is no possible way for her to guilt trip you or lie out of it.

2) you trust her she doesn't mess up again, and have a potentially stronger lasting relationship out of it and she can't say anything about you doubting her or anything like that.

Everything done in the dark always comes to the light. Usually when you least expect it in an unexpected way. If I were you tho, I'd be watching her. Listening to her intently. Liars usually tell a veiled truth. Meaning amongst their lies there is truth but not enough to call em on it. Just watch n wait, you'll get your answers. No, you ain't too nice man, you just love her.

[Guest Stinkin'ol'Fred]

Guilt will eventually get the best of her if she's up to no good and you don't catch it for yourself. "Killing them with kindness" isn't just a saying really. If her conscious is guilty your niceties will burden her down with so much guilt that she will eventually tell on herself. (Unless she's a complete sociopath with no function of sympathy or empathy what so ever) sorry to keep commenting but I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it could possibly be helpful.

[AsleepAndDreaming]

So I've read your post a couple of times, and I think if you re-read it again you will probably realise that you know the answers to your own questions.

 

Are you being too trusting? No, because you're questioning whether you are being told the truth in the first place, so there's actually no trust there anyway is there, otherwise I can't see that you would have felt the need to post in the first place? In my experience, trust is THE most important thing in a relationship, and to be blunt, it appears you're being messed around. You're in a nasty predicament if you live with her, but the very fact that you do would indicate that you are expecting to have a stable monogamous relationship with this little, and you are questioning whether that's the case. 

 

In an old relationship, I was living with my little when I caught her on Plenty Of Fish and she told me she hadn't messaged anyone on it and that she was doing it just out of curiosity. Because I caught her on Christmas Day, because I wasn't brave enough, because I was scared of being on my own, and because I didn't think anyone else would be interested in me, I let it go and forgave her. It was the wrong decision, and later the next year I caught her texting nude pictures of herself to some random stranger she had met online. My point is that you have no idea who she is speaking to on Seeking Arrangement, no idea what she's planning, no idea what she's already done, no idea what other sites she's on, and most importantly, no trust whatsoever. 

 

If you are supposed to be in a monogamous relationship, then what she is doing is simply not acceptable. You know that. If you are brave enough, my advice would be the same as others who have replied: to end the relationship. If you cannot do that, then be prepared to live with the consequences. 

[DeepMango]

Guilt will eventually get the best of her if she's up to no good and you don't catch it for yourself. "Killing them with kindness" isn't just a saying really. If her conscious is guilty your niceties will burden her down with so much guilt that she will eventually tell on herself. (Unless she's a complete sociopath with no function of sympathy or empathy what so ever) sorry to keep commenting but I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it could possibly be helpful.

You are being very helpful. Many thanks. She lives with me. So "throwing her out" isn't just deleting her number.

[Guest Stinkin'ol'Fred]

Exactly, in a situation like that, it's nearly impossible to make her leave in one big swing. Your conscience won't allow it. But it'll be in a much better position to if she ends up screwing with your heart again. I still hope the best for both you guys.

[DeepMango]

Exactly, in a situation like that, it's nearly impossible to make her leave in one big swing. Your conscience won't allow it. But it'll be in a much better position to if she ends up screwing with your heart again. I still hope the best for both you guys.

Thanks. It is coming to a head right now. I'll know in a few hours whether she wants to really work on this or take her trip and end it.

[meows kohai]

I don't know man. Is the money situation at home not so great? Is she working? 

I've set up sugar daddies on the same site and even had plans to move to Colorado to live with one for a while so I could send money back home and keep my little family afloat because my dude (my daddy and I have a complicated relationship on whether or not we're actually together) was out of work for a while and the money was slow here. 

Does she have experience as a sex worker or not? If she has experience then chances are she genuinely is just trying to help take care of herself and family. We know how to make a lot of money even without actually having the sex.

Her waxing her pubes? Who cares? That isn't related to cheating. That's a personal grooming decision. 

As far as "Tim" goes are you guys even exclusive? If you say yes, does she know you're exclusive? 

Edited November 8, 2017 by meows senpai

[DeepMango]

Turns out very little of that was true. She fessed up in the end and canceled the trip. We are working with a therapist on these issues now and hopefully working towards straight up honesty. Nothing is simple.

[Guest AshlynAngel]

Trust is such an incredibly hard thing to rebuild, from both sides.  She's going to have to do a lot of work to get you to trust her again, rightfully so, if (and that's a very big word) she feels like she wants to continue the relationship with you and if you decide you want to continue with her. 

 

But from your side, I think some of us have a natural inclination to want so badly to trust someone we share a history with, that we physically ache when we realize that we just can't rebuild that trust without shortchanging ourselves in the process.  It's so very difficult when your mind is telling you one thing and your heart is wanting the complete opposite.  

 

Just remember that just because she apologizes, that doesn't mean you absolutely have to forgive her.  You have the right to delay your forgiveness until such a time you are absolutely sure you can forgive her.  And that may take some time.  There's nothing worse than believing forgiveness has been established only for the contrary to pop up months later out of the blue when something pushes your alarm buttons again. 

 

Wishing you the best.  

[Guest Fal~]

This is very serious and I think you should talk to her about where you stand.. She can't go around dragging you along. It is obvious you care a lot for her and I think she believes she can use it. Sit her down and take a serious talk with her about where you are standing in her life and what you should do. If she seems to kind of brush it off or is like "I don't know" then you should distance yourself or talk to her about ways that you two could get a break. Maybe a break will make her realise how much she truly needs you. If she breaks down then discuss options about getting her off these sights and starting over. 

Don't let her play you!

I hope this helped!

[Guest SUeB]

Not sure i believe a therapist can stop someone habitually lying and cheating. But good luck.