10 tips for meeting people IRL. (copy pasta from somewhere else)

[Guest Prat]

Based on some things I have read and seen recently, I thought it was worth while to share something I wrote and published many years ago. Feel free to share this with anyone out looking. All though I wrote it, I think the information is important that I am not limiting anyone from sharing the content with anyone else.

 

Tip #1: Not everyone online is who they say they are.

 

• Guard your heart and make sure they are who they say they are before you get emotionally involved.

• Many people online are fakes pretending to be into BDSM but are really just after cheap sex. They are so cheap they will invest a great deal of time to convince you that they are your perfect match, instead of going to the red light district and pay for it.

• Many men online are married, posing as single. It is not my place to judge the morality of married people searching, as long as they are open about the fact that they are married up front. I think the issue of whether it is right or wrong is up to them. The real issue is; were you given the ability to know what kind of relationship you are choosing to be a part. If you don’t know up front, the whole foundation of trust and honesty is lost from the beginning. Many times I have spoken to subs that have fallen in love with a married man. They started out thinking they were single and could have a real life with them. Later after they got emotionally attached they find out that this person is married. Then they decide to continue in the relationship because they are in “love”. Unfortunately, their whole relationship is based on a lie and they are now living a life of deception hiding their relationship from his spouse. In a Ds relationship trust is so important, and now the relationship has a huge flaw. I can guarantee that a relationship that starts with trust problems will turn from bad to worse. The married person’s family will always come first, so they end up making you live on the leftovers. And eventually that will begin to work away at the relationship. At some point, something will happen that forces them to make a choice between their secret and keeping their family, the family will almost always win. If you choose to enter into this, you need to be prepared for being left. DonÂ’t be fooled, women can do the same thing to men. But it is more common for married men to be online searching behind their spouses back.

• I spoke with an old friend of mine that I had lost contact with for a while. She of course was a sub. She went on to tell me about Master Michael, a man she was in love with. He claimed to be from Sweden and was moving to the US in a year. Amazingly, to her home town. He controlled her entire life, including preventing her from talking to other dominants including me. After about a year of talking to him online and on the phone she made the gruesome discovery that he actually was in India. He had no intentions of moving to the US. He lived in a British established community so his accent was misleading. He used photos from an actor on Broadway. She was emotional devastated by it all. She was preparing her home for him to move in with her. And to make it worse, he had spoken to her kids and developed relationships with them too. . I am sharing this because of how important this is for you to protect yourself against. I am not sharing this to embarrass her, which I am sure it does, but to use it to help prevent others from falling into the same trap. I know she does not want this to happen to anyone else.

• There are a ton of men out there posing as women. Fortunately, the truth usually comes out quickly. There are all kinds of reasons they are doing this. Many are sub men, but the number of Dominants out there that are gay or female is quite small compared to the number of Dominant males. The submissive desire in a man is just as strong as it is in women. And many times, a sub man is very much into humiliation, so it is not a stretch for them to serve a man as a woman. If you havenÂ’t noticed, many sub men serving are made to cross dress.

• This is not limited to men pretending to be something different. There are many women out there that are curious about the lifestyle and it excites them but they are too fearful to actually act on their desires. Or they too are married and donÂ’t think they can actually act on their desires for their family’s sake. So they find a Dom who is willing to play online and they get off on the idea of doing what they are told. The Dom thinks that he has found a sub and reality all he has is a phone sex partner at best.

• Web cams are very popular, however, now many are out there to get you to go on cam so they can watch you do things for them. Web cams can be used as good tools to prove you are who you say you are, but do not fall into the trap where it is one sided. Have them turn on their web cam too. If they ask you to go on cam but are not willing to go on cam themselves, just move on. Web cams are cheap and work with most computers that have been made in the last 7+ years. And if they have expectations of you doing it and they won’t, then obviously, they have something to hide. Don’t fall for the line, “I am Dom, and you will turn on your cam because I say so.” When they have proven they are who they say, and you agree to serve them, that is when they get to make demands, not until then. Just one other note, there are programs that the person watching you can use to record everything you are doing, so if you don’t want to risk having your little “voyeur session” displayed all over the internet, make sure the person on the other end deserves that trust.

 

Tip #2: Always meet them in a public place with lots of other people around.

 

• Tell them up front NO PLAY of any kind on the first date. Just vanilla discussions in a public place. Remember, those worth having will understand and wait! Those that are not worth having will try and push you to meet them privately and attempt to get you to go all the way on the first meeting. They will use lines like, “Who are you (sub) to tell a Master what to do or not do”.

• Never agree to leave with them to go somewhere private on the first date. After you meet it is going to be tempting to go with them back to their hotel or something. Wait! You have been looking forward to this meeting for a very long time, I am sure. However, this desire to meet and do something with this person creates a great deal of infatuation and clouds your judgment. So decide in advance that you will not play and stick to your plan.

 

Tip #3: Have a safe call lined up with someone you trust and knows what you are really doing.

 

• You should continue to arrange these calls for your first several meetings. This applies to Dominants, submissive, men, and women. Men can be setup up too, show up to a motel room to find the sub you have been talking to and her boyfriend hiding.

• You need to have someone who knows where you will be and you can make regular phone calls to while you are meeting. They also should make calls to you to verify you are ok. Never go anywhere or change plans without your safe call person being informed of the changes. When you finally decide to go to their hotel room or house, make sure you call and give them the address, hotel name, room number, etc. before you go. Also have a panic word lined up that you would use in normal speech and when you use that word that person knows to call for help. Make sure you do not use this word unless you intend on them calling. For example, "Great Time" could be the panic phrase. So you could then say, "I am having a great time" and that would allow for you to communicate to your safe call that things are not good and to call for help. And yet keep you safer while help is coming.

• If it is at all possible have someone go with you for the first meeting. I really think this is a MUST, but it can be hard to make happen with logistics.

• When you have the first meeting, ask to see their driver’s license, and write the information down. Give the information to your friend either via phone or in person if they are with you. It may seem rude to them, but if they are offended about you trying to protect yourself they are not worth being with. Those that care so much about hiding who they are, likely have something to hide. Those with something to hide will be cautious about even giving you their id. For example if they are married, they fear their wife or family finding out they are having an affair. Also, someone is not likely to do anything to really harm you if they know they will be caught, so the ID thing is one of the MOST IMPORTANT things you can do to keep yourself safe.

 

Tip #4: Many claim to have more experience than they really do.

 

• It is too easy to get hurt even by accident doing things with someone that is inexperienced. A sub friend showed me some scars she had on her breast from playing with candle wax with an inexperienced Dom.

• If they claim to be an expert or well known in the BDSM community, then get references and check them to make sure they really know what they say they do.

• If they openly admit they do not know much about Ds, that is cool. Just plan on learning and experimenting together. But it is important that you get someone experienced to help you both. Study together, learn together, take your time, and go slow. It can be a very good thing to learn together and experiment together. There is nothing wrong with being a novice. The problems come in when someone pretends to know more than they really do.

 

Tip #5: ALWAYS USE SAFEWORDS.

 

• NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT YOU DO NOT NEED THEM OR THAT YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO THEM. NEVER EVER PLAY WITHOUT SAFEWORDS!!!!

• Use Red, Yellow and Green. Or something similar. It is a great way to safely learn each other as you learn your way.

o Red means STOP, LET ME OUT, and NOW.

o Yellow means slow down, softer, getting concerned, etc.

o Green means go harder, faster, etc.

• Some just use one safe word, “RED” and it means to stop what you’re doing and do something else. This works well for experienced couples, it is not as good as the 3 words for a newer person or couple that is learning to play or learning one another.

• If you do end up playing with a Dom who ignores your safe word ‒ PLAY ENDS! And you should never play with them again. They have violated your trust, and how can you trust them later when it counts? NO (Red) means NO, and that is the difference between “rough play” and rape.

• In time the two of you will get in sync and the need for safe words will diminish. But it is never a good idea to give them up completely.

• If you play with a gag, use an alternative signal to communicate safe words with. Like making a fist means RED. However, a fist may not work for many because some make fists when they tense up. Maybe 3 fast taps will work. The most important issue is that you have something in place to communicate the safe word(s).

• Communication, Communication, Communication…. Talk about what is going to happen before you play. Talk about your expectations of one another. And stick to the plan!

 

Tip #6: Avoid more extreme activities on your first few play dates.

 

• Communication and getting to know one another is an important part of any Ds relationship. It is important that you build trust. Everyone is different, so it is best to let each other be themselves and invest the time learning each other’s desires, needs, turn on’s, etc. Extreme activities in the beginning do not help with that growth in trust. This is a key example of too much too fast.

• I would never recommend that you use a gag on your first several meetings. It is important to use safe words, and gags limit this greatly.

• When you start out do without bondage or limit it. If you do bondage, use more gentle restraints. Or restraints that can easily be escaped from such as Velcro instead or real locks or cuffs. This will help build trust and give similar sensations as heavy restraints to the sub. When the trust is fully there, then the heavy restraints will be much more effective.

 

Tip #7: Know the basic Red Flags from online profiles.

 

• If the picture of them looks too good to be true…. Well, simply it isn’t true. How many models are really into a BDSM? It isn’t as many as there are photos of them stolen and then used to fraud others.

• If they only want online sessions to start. Prepaid cell phones are cheap. So it is not that hard to have a phone to use to call someone and talk and still protect their privacy and safety. And a single man really has what real concerns about giving out his home number? Unless they are married… I am not endorsing the phone call for phone sex, but to be used as a way to help verify they are who they say they are.

• Those that demand you be fit. Or make comments like “How can I submit to a man who does not have discipline over themselves” (regarding weight) are most likely only into finding sex. Just note their profiles, they put all the effort into making sure no one is overweight, but don’t say anything about being a felon, child molester, etc. So I guess to them it is ok if you abuse children as long as you are not overweight. Anyone who really wants this lifestyle and makes those kinds of statements is searching for perfection. No Dominant or submissive is perfect. So obviously when they are saying that weight is a deal breaker, they are saying the most important character flaw to them is your weight. Do you really want someone with such shallow values? However, if all you want is sex and are not over weight, they may be a good option for you.

• Descriptions that do not add up. I also find it funny when they say in their profile they are a red head, but their hair is jet black. Or they are 5’10” and only 90 pounds. Or slim but have 38DD bra size. Or the woman in the picture is around 40 but it says they are 25. These are all signs of a man posing as a woman or a foreigner who doesnÂ’t really understand English measurements.

• People that just have a couple of “perfect” pictures to share. Those that deny sharing their photos are a hard to judge. There are so many “picture collectors” that have burned people, that it makes it hard for people to be open and share their picture. However, many of those refusing to share photos are foreign men without any photos to share. One thing I have done to help protect my photos from being stolen is to have a hand written note in the photo with my screen name on it. Or have text added to it over the “sweet spots” with a picture editor. This is very difficult to fake or steel. Also, it is a good way to have someone you are talking to verify they are who they say they are. Have them take a picture of themselves holding a hand written note with something you tell them to write on it, like their screen name. They can’t steel that picture from anywhere. However, NEVER put their screen name or similar on a hand written note and take a picture of yourself and give it to them. If you do you just gave them all they need to impersonate you under their screen name. So think about what it is you are sharing before you share. Some people need to be very discreet. They are prominent in the community, or job, or have an Exâspouse that would love use the lifestyle against them to take custody of their kids. So do not mistake, discretion for dishonesty.

• Someone who is unwilling or is offended by you asking for proof. Rest assured they are fakes or are hiding something. But be careful your requests are fair and reasonable. Judging someone as a fake because they will not take a nude photo of themselves and send it to you is just plain stupid. And, don’t be offended if someone asks you to do something to help prove you are who you say you are. It is funny how many want the other person to prove they are who they say, but are not willing to offer the same courtesy in return.

• If they claim you will be kept naked all the time when you live with them. Clearly, they have no idea what real BDSM life is like. There is too much vanilla in everyone’s life to do that. Work, Family, Neighbors, etc.

 

Tip #7: Discretion

 

• You have to maintain balance between your vanilla life and your Ds life. Discretion is important. So always be careful not to cross the line. When it is vanilla time keep it vanilla. Do not do things like, flash people in your neighborhood where people will know you. And if the Dom youÂ’re talking to wants you to expose yourself to your family or friends for everyone to know your inner kink, then do not pursue a relationship with them. They are not looking out for your personal interests, but either wants to make you more dependent on them by destroying your relationships with everyone else. Or they have some desire to humiliate you in ways that can truly harm your future. You could lose custody of your kids, your job, whateverÂ…

 

Tip #8: Hook up with your local BDSM community

• Get involved with your local BDSM community. It is always good to have people around you that you can do reality checks with. In addition, they can help you avoid going down a truly painful path. They may know the person that is pursuing you, the bad side or they may know the good as well. For that matter, you just might find what youÂ’re looking for at one of their meetings. It is also a great place to find people to do safe calls with.

 

Tip #9: Never be afraid to ask someone experienced for advice or help.

• There is no such thing as a dumb question.

 

Tip #10: BE SAFE, BE SANE, AND HAVE CONSENTUAL FUN!!!!!

[Guest pacibrat]

This is awesome!  I hope that a lot of the younger ones around here will read this (I do worry about them).  Not that older people don't benefit from reading it, but we've been around long enough to know a lot of this stuffs. 

[Guest littleloveslars]

Oh Prat, bless you. I truly hope people read this and take it to heart.

[Guest littlelisafrank]

Where's the pasta? Jk, I love this post, though. It's very informative and helpful. Thanks for sharing!

[BunnyBear]

Thank you so much for posting this, I've been kinda scared/needing some grounding bc this has been a bit overwhelming entering the community. It's nice to know that there are good people looking out for each other^^

[Guest Prat]

Thank you so much for posting this, I've been kinda scared/needing some grounding bc this has been a bit overwhelming entering the community. It's nice to know that there are good people looking out for each other^^

Glad to have helped ^^.

[Guest PrincessMim]

Love this post no doubt a lot of people will benefit from it!

Side note (it's super anal sorry) but just had to: you can be slim and have huge breasts by genetics ;P

[Guest Prat]

Love this post no doubt a lot of people will benefit from it!

Side note (it's super anal sorry) but just had to: you can be slim and have huge breasts by genetics ;P

Cool? ^^

[Guest Prat]

Bump

[CaresAlot]

Excellent.  Not everything is going to fit everybody, but this is a pretty broad community.  Part of my job in the past was figuring out who were scammers/frauds.  There are some that will invest the time to build a profile and pictures, but for the most part these are lazy people.  The less there is and the newer the profile, the more likely they are to be a scammer.  Take pictures to image.google.com click on the camera in the box and upload the picture.  They will run it through and see if its been posted somewhere else.  Takes just seconds and its free.  Busted plenty of them on another website.

 

I've asked dates in the past to take a picture of us and my drivers license.  Then we did the same for her and then texted them to friends.  Right off you both get to feel safer and show some care for each other.  Anybody that is not willing to do this its time to bail.  No negotiation on this. 

 

Playing with people lives and emotions is pretty ugly thing to do.  So I have on occasion scammed them right back.  I'll tell those stories one day but that is something different.  Thanks again for posting it up.  I know a lot but it always good to learn a little more.  

 

Check with the admins and see if they can pin this so it stays up top as a must read.

[adventurenotdrama]

Great post. As a man a agree with all of it. Remember it goes both ways etc.. Should be required reading for every newbie. Stay safe and slowly wins the race X

[xBabydollx]

Nice post

[Guest Prat]

Bump.

[Angel24]

This post is amazing and bless you for writing it. I think it's a good read for anyone, especially those new to the community.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

moderator note:

moving this topic to General Discussion. 

[Ebony Fruit Bat]

Prat, thank you so much for this. Do you still have the original article up on a website some where? I would like to have this for myself and a friend, but that friend wouldn't want to join this site or know it came from here.

[Guest Prat]

Prat, thank you so much for this. Do you still have the original article up on a website some where? I would like to have this for myself and a friend, but that friend wouldn't want to join this site or know it came from here.

Feel free to copy paste the text and see if you can use it. I don't have the original article, it was posted a long time ago.