help he can't stay faithful LDR DDLG

[Amy<3]

So this is my first time posting here. I need some advise badly, but I'm scared to talk to someone I know since I know I will be judged for the dynamic of my relationship.

I am in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend lives in the USA and I live in Europe (English is a second language, so my grammar isn't perfect). I met him back in high school when I spend a year at an American school when I was only 14/15. We have been dating for almost 4 years at this point, the vast majority of it being long distance. I see him twice a year, usually Summer and Christmas. I started calling him daddy the second Christmas vacation I spend with him (about 1 1/2 years into the relationship). We had experimented with a bunch of BDSM before that, but grew more and more into the Ddlg dynamic, as it is more loving and natural. (has anyone had a similar development?)

 

I struggled with the idea at first, because like many beginners I thought is was rather weird, and I hadn't realized that it has nothing to do with your actual father. I have a perfectly healthy relationship with my father, and I haven't ever called him daddy, so with time I realized that calling my boyfriend daddy wasn't weird to me. It felt really natural and I started to love the dynamic more and more. My daddy and I both go to university (he is 2 years older than me).

 

Moving on to my actual problem: He has been cheating on me over the course of our whole relationship. Now this is where it gets a little complicated so I will do my best to explain: I have cheated on him too during the beginning of our relationship (while being in the US). I was really young. Being all alone in a foreign country at age 15 just sorta made me go a little crazy. I wasn't used to attention, especially not from older guys with cars and muscles (I feel so ridiculous typing this lol). I know nothing really can excuse cheating and I'm not proud of it but my boyfriend was always at practice and he never had time for me. Eventually i grew up and realized that I can say no. I haven't ever cheated on him again. However, he did find out eventually. It was after I had left America and we were in an ldr already. He forgave me and I did see him as a knight in shining armour for some time since I thought he never cheated on me and was willing to put up with my mistakes. One night however he confessed taht he had cheated on me with 3 girls since we started dating (still the first year).i had to ask like a million times and do some serious pushing to find out. I forgave him and it was almost relieving since it felt like we were being "mutals" again. The next thing taht sticks out to me is when he told me he had sex with thjs girl he met at uni. It wasn't just sex, they had somewhat of an emotional connection too. She was blonde and skinny (his type). This girl knew he had a girlfriend and eventually she became really emotionally attached to my daddy. She confessed to him taht she thought he would brake up with me for her. But he never wanted a relationship with her. He wanted to stop whatever they had going on. However this girl knew about his weaknesses and emotionally manipulating him by talking about suicide and not being able to finish her semester bc of him. She was apparently also raped (I don't know if tahts true, since the story seemed sort of strange; however i feel truly sorry if taht really happened to her.). She told my daddy taht he was the only one she trusted and that she needed to have sex with him in order to get over it. The thing he had with this girl was going on/off for more than a year. He would "break up" with her to come see me and then for one reason or the other they would end up back together. He constantly lied to me about it and promised he wouldn't see her again etc. I either had to really push him to tell me or find out through his e-mail taht I found out the password to. About one year ago I found a list taht had 10 names on it in an email draft to himself. I knew that he had sex with the majority of these girls, my name was on the list too. My daddy has had a serious drug problem throughout high school and the beginning of his college career. He said he made the list out of frustration one night while being high. I saw him for 2 months over the summer. He says his moral compass is broken due to his long time of having heavy drug problems. Now he has never said taht but I also think his childhood plays into it; his father was always working and he found his mum after various suicide attempts. He grew up not really having anyone to teach him morals or show him the right way. I know this is not an excuse he is an adult and did all of this to me. But it explains why he is so frustrated. When he looks into my eyes and tells me it won't happen again I know taht he means it in this moment. He has never cheated on me while I was with him. He says it's the distance and taht he is a different person when he is with me. in these past months I have seen him change and he is growing into the person he is destined to be. I told him this summer if he cheats again tahts it. Yesterday he confessed to me that he kissed a girl who he has has some history (they had sex, she wanted a relationship, he was dating me and said no) with on Sunday. I knew she came to visit and I told him it was ok. He did have the opportunity to have sex with her but he left the situation. This time I feel like it could be different since he told me immediately withiut me having to push and they didn't have sex either. He knows this could end us but he says he rather wants an honest end taht living a lie. He says he loves me and he is learning my language for me. He spends thousands a year on plane tickets and he makes me feel so safe when I'm with him. we were planning him spending a semester with me in europe in spring. This guy rejects girls taht are local and desperately want him to be with a girl taht lives across an ocean. On the other hand he has really hurt me. Do you believe there is a future? Should I forgive him, he is my daddy after all.. A break maybe? I'm just looking for some guidance or something.

 

Phew taht was like a whole novel, I'm sorry. If you really read this all the way through or at least some part, I really appreciate it, thank you.

[Persephone_Persephone]

Seriously? This is nothing more then a gint muddle and ddlg comes very little into it.

My advice, both of you shouldn't be in any type of relationship (let alone together). You have both done the most hurtful thing to each other, cheating.

And the mistakes are repeating. Walk away this is toxic and causing too much drama.

As someone who has been cheated on many times I have little sympathy for cheats. You both know what your doing, the reasons dont matter.

Make the break and stop repeating toxic behaviours.

[Guest PrincessMim]

With all respect i understand how attached you might be to someone and you don't know if you can leave them, especially a daddy, but hun this is not a good relationship for either of you !!!! Nothing excuses cheating. You've done it to him, and knowing how that feels he does it all the time I think he cares a lot less then you think.

The spending on plane tickets and the saying he's different when he's with you is NOT SOMETHING THAT MAKES IT OK. Trust is imperative in all relationship it just seems to me all the more important in a ddlg dynamic !

 

I'm really sorry for the time you've given this guy , i don't like to judge but he's really not worth it. 

You're better off without him xxx

[Guest Ginger]

Honestly, this whole relationship sounds like it's ran it's course and needs to end. He obviously can't remain faithful to you and it seems you have some things to work on yourself. He tells you what you want to hear and you keep running back to him. It's unhealthy and toxic. End the relationship and move on.

[Guest TrueDaddy]

I agree with the others. That relationship is done. You two need to call it quits and move on. Too much damage has been done.

[Guest Loki]

This is gonna be harsh, but you need to hear it. Once anyone cheats the relationship is over. Move on.

[Mikaitaku]

he sounds like a trashy human, he clearly doesn't care about anything other than sex with other girls so leaving him is the best option.

[Littlest_Bee]

Hi Amy,

 

long-distance relationships are hard. I think it's remarkable that you two have been together such a long time despite all the problems with it.

 

Nobody can say how things would be if you could be together more often and it seems as if your goal would be to reunite somehow, some day or is that impression wrong?

 

In the end you are the one who has to know what you want. Do you still want the relationship? Then you need to find some way to deal with your problems (and spying on him, reading his email, etc isn't exactly healthy behaviour)

 

The question is if you could honestly trust him.

Cheating is often part of a pattern. But nobody can make the decision for you.

[Guest Mister Grey]

She’s better off without him?  While I agree that the guy is a louse, it troubles me that we immediately fault one person and then leave the other person in the clear.

 

no no no.  you are BOTH to blame.  And its not the relationship thats toxic, its both of the people involved in it.

 

Youth is only a slight excuse.  Your both liars…thats right BOTH liars.  I did not gloss over the fact that you stated “he did find out eventually” which means not only did you cheat, but you either lied about it or witheld the truth from him.  Your also incredibly nieve.

 

Hey, honestly, your 14-15, he’s 15-16 or whatever, your both still in the grips of your raging puberty and not only do you want him to be faithful, you want him to do it when your 1000 miles away.  

 

Can he and you be faithful…yes, absolutely, but the reality is that more often than not, you lack the emotional maturity, the physical will and hell, just the common sense to fully understand, appreciate and nature a relationship in general, much less one that is taking place over 2 continents.  You allowed your emotions to carry you away on a fantasy without fully appreciating and understanding what you were both getting into.  

 

Is he to blame?  Hell yes.  Are you to blame.  Hell yes.

 

Now this guy, obviously from what you have stated is a hot mess.  He has obviously not come to grips with his emotions, his past, his present.  He is emotionally stunted and even perhaps with good reason.  he is abusing drugs and alcohol, both of which had been link to emotional issues and you want him to work a relationship when he can’t even resolve his own demons?  

 

Open your eyes.  He did it.  And you saw it coming.  you kept pushing, you stated it several times…and no, its not just cause he was acting weird at the time, its because deep down you always knew he was emotionally unstable and that the outcome was going to be that he would plug every open hole he could find.

 

10 names.  Again…dont be nieve.  you and I both know there were a lot more than 10 girls in 4 years.

 

Some may read this and say, damn your being harsh.  No, I am not.  I am stating the truth, one that anyone reading that post was already thinking.

 

Let me tell you what your first and really only mistake was in this whole thing.  Honesty.

 

Neither of you are honest with yourselves, much less each other.  you think with your heart, with your clit, your dick and the sweet sparkly fuzzies in your stomach, but not with your head.

 

Be honest.  You want to stay in touch, develop something for the future, see if he can exersize his demons, see if you can mature into yourself so that one day, you can meet and see if he has become a man, stop making excuses for how his past has destroyed his moral compass and taken hold of his life where he dictates his future and that you have blossomed into a strong woman, who now mature can fully appreciate the dynamic of a DDlg relationship.  And during that time, remain committed to a future, not each other.

 

I have always said, submission is a gift and it takes a strong woman to to fully be aware of herself and deliver her trust to a partner.  A Dom, needs to be grateful and cherish that submission…he cannot be a dom without her.  And its only a fool who think he can just dominate anyone at will…no…thats not how it works, its a tow way street and there is a purity in it, a bond…but like anything else, it requires work and honestly, and patience.  its the same for a DDlg relationship in its core, in how its built.

 

He is not your Daddy.  He’s struggling to find his way.  Your not his little.  You have to grow up to realize your true self.

 

You should worry about yourself.  Learn to be strong.  To understand yourself.  To build yourself up so that when you are ready to turn yourself over to someone, the offering is complete and powerful.

 

And this broken boy you have…be his friend if you must but dont let him corrupt your life and warp your life…you need to take care of you first, be his friend second and let him come to grips if he can…and if he can’t, he will never truly be a man worthy of a true woman.

 

Life is hard, he’s not the only one with problems and hurdles to overcome.  We all have issues and problems and we have all been hurt and crushed, we have all cried and lost ourselves and our ways….and its not for others to fix us…we have to do that for ourselves and we may have to glue the pieces little by little for the rest of our lives but its in that that we find the stregnth to be what we are meant to be.  You can’t fix him.

 

I’m reading this and I know I sound very harsh.  But it bothers me that people talk about these kind of issues like its something that just happened to them, like they did not have a hand in it.

 

She was the light of my life and I loved her.  I honestly and truly did.  I didn’t cheat, I stayed true and i pushed aside other that tried to lure me away, but I also worked a lot and when she started to pull away from me because I was not giving her he more of my time.  I did not take the moments I had to show her what she meant to me, I didn’t talk to her, I took our relationship for granted and then she was gone, its like a part of me was carved out of my chest.  I felt hollow and weak.  I can blame her…sure, but I had a part in it, it wasn’t just her.  I didn’t see what I didn’t want to see and thats the truth.  It was in front of me and I looked past it because I didn’t want too.

 

 

Own your truth.  You can’t control other people, but you can control you.

[Guest SUeB]

Didn't read it all. Really don't think i need to. You are both at fault. This is no kind of relationship. You both need to cut your losses and get the heck out of this toxic mess.

[LittleGirlEmilia]

The biggest predictor of the future, is the past.

 

 

Edit: Btw my daddy had a hard life too. He doesn't put his penis in other people, there's no excuse for that behaviour. Just saying.

Edited October 25, 2017 by Guest

[Guest SUeB]

[Amy<3]

I am not 15 anymore, I am almost 20 at this point. I didn't force anyone to read everything. If it's too long for you just ignore it, ok? But then please don't give advice if you didn't understand the full situation. I am not in raging puberty. If it was as easy as some answers suggest I would be gone by now. My daddy doesn't have a drug problem anymore. He stays in Friday and Saturday nights so he can study. Over the past almost 2 years the only girl he has been with threatened to kill herself if he would leave. He is changing.

 

The connection we have is truly truly unique and long distance is so fucking hard. I feel like we have been through too much together to just give this up. So many goodbyes on airports. So much heartbrake. we talk for hours on Skype and he is the only person that can cheer me up when I'm down. He helped me to get through countless crises. For the past years I have been waiting to finally close the distance. I am so close. He is minoring in Scandinavian studies just so he can spend a semester abroad with me. Do you really believe taht doesn't stand for anything? Yes he is flawed, but I can see such change in him. He says he wants what's best for me and understands if I have to leave him. I can't stand to see the pain in his face when he says taht.

 

I hate to admit it but I did meet him when I wasn't ready for a relationship taht serious. That's not an excuse for cheating that's just why I did it. I cheated one time 3 years ago. I am ready now and have been for a while. I am an honest person and I hide no secrets from him.

[Amy<3]

regardless, thanks for the honest opinions. I mean I asked for it, I guess i am just too sensitive and easily hurt to handle some of them. I thought sharing would help me but maybe I should have just tried to write it in my diary or sth, maybe then I wouldn't be in tears now.

[Persephone_Persephone]

I can understand its totally hurtful to face such things. But thats why its best to walk away. Forget who did what and why. Its hurting you, grinding you down and nit healthy. I've been there and believe me in a worse situation. I hated stepping away,then when I did I learned I could survive on my own and I learnt that wasnt true love and care. That was just pain. I learnt how to walk away from bad situations and it is for the best as hard as it is. But your choice of course.

[Guest Mister Grey]

I’m sorry Amy.  It appears you didn’t really want our opinions, you actually wanted someone to justify why you continue to stay in this relationship.  The opinions given here by all these people are based on the information you provided.

 

in the end the only one you have to justify your reasoning too is yourself, so I will only remind you of one thing from my post.  Honesty.  Be honest with yourself about your situation and what you want out of it.  I am not dismissing your feelings, i understand them, I just dont want them to lead you astray.

 

 

Best wishes to you.

[Cr33pyHollow]

 

She’s better off without him?  While I agree that the guy is a louse, it troubles me that we immediately fault one person and then leave the other person in the clear.

 

no no no.  you are BOTH to blame.  And its not the relationship thats toxic, its both of the people involved in it.

 

Youth is only a slight excuse.  Your both liars…thats right BOTH liars.  I did not gloss over the fact that you stated “he did find out eventually” which means not only did you cheat, but you either lied about it or witheld the truth from him.  Your also incredibly nieve.

 

Hey, honestly, your 14-15, he’s 15-16 or whatever, your both still in the grips of your raging puberty and not only do you want him to be faithful, you want him to do it when your 1000 miles away.  

 

Can he and you be faithful…yes, absolutely, but the reality is that more often than not, you lack the emotional maturity, the physical will and hell, just the common sense to fully understand, appreciate and nature a relationship in general, much less one that is taking place over 2 continents.  You allowed your emotions to carry you away on a fantasy without fully appreciating and understanding what you were both getting into.  

 

Is he to blame?  Hell yes.  Are you to blame.  Hell yes.

 

Now this guy, obviously from what you have stated is a hot mess.  He has obviously not come to grips with his emotions, his past, his present.  He is emotionally stunted and even perhaps with good reason.  he is abusing drugs and alcohol, both of which had been link to emotional issues and you want him to work a relationship when he can’t even resolve his own demons?  

 

Open your eyes.  He did it.  And you saw it coming.  you kept pushing, you stated it several times…and no, its not just cause he was acting weird at the time, its because deep down you always knew he was emotionally unstable and that the outcome was going to be that he would plug every open hole he could find.

 

10 names.  Again…dont be nieve.  you and I both know there were a lot more than 10 girls in 4 years.

 

Some may read this and say, damn your being harsh.  No, I am not.  I am stating the truth, one that anyone reading that post was already thinking.

 

Let me tell you what your first and really only mistake was in this whole thing.  Honesty.

 

Neither of you are honest with yourselves, much less each other.  you think with your heart, with your clit, your dick and the sweet sparkly fuzzies in your stomach, but not with your head.

 

Be honest.  You want to stay in touch, develop something for the future, see if he can exersize his demons, see if you can mature into yourself so that one day, you can meet and see if he has become a man, stop making excuses for how his past has destroyed his moral compass and taken hold of his life where he dictates his future and that you have blossomed into a strong woman, who now mature can fully appreciate the dynamic of a DDlg relationship.  And during that time, remain committed to a future, not each other.

 

I have always said, submission is a gift and it takes a strong woman to to fully be aware of herself and deliver her trust to a partner.  A Dom, needs to be grateful and cherish that submission…he cannot be a dom without her.  And its only a fool who think he can just dominate anyone at will…no…thats not how it works, its a tow way street and there is a purity in it, a bond…but like anything else, it requires work and honestly, and patience.  its the same for a DDlg relationship in its core, in how its built.

 

He is not your Daddy.  He’s struggling to find his way.  Your not his little.  You have to grow up to realize your true self.

 

You should worry about yourself.  Learn to be strong.  To understand yourself.  To build yourself up so that when you are ready to turn yourself over to someone, the offering is complete and powerful.

 

And this broken boy you have…be his friend if you must but dont let him corrupt your life and warp your life…you need to take care of you first, be his friend second and let him come to grips if he can…and if he can’t, he will never truly be a man worthy of a true woman.

 

Life is hard, he’s not the only one with problems and hurdles to overcome.  We all have issues and problems and we have all been hurt and crushed, we have all cried and lost ourselves and our ways….and its not for others to fix us…we have to do that for ourselves and we may have to glue the pieces little by little for the rest of our lives but its in that that we find the stregnth to be what we are meant to be.  You can’t fix him.

 

I’m reading this and I know I sound very harsh.  But it bothers me that people talk about these kind of issues like its something that just happened to them, like they did not have a hand in it.

 

She was the light of my life and I loved her.  I honestly and truly did.  I didn’t cheat, I stayed true and i pushed aside other that tried to lure me away, but I also worked a lot and when she started to pull away from me because I was not giving her he more of my time.  I did not take the moments I had to show her what she meant to me, I didn’t talk to her, I took our relationship for granted and then she was gone, its like a part of me was carved out of my chest.  I felt hollow and weak.  I can blame her…sure, but I had a part in it, it wasn’t just her.  I didn’t see what I didn’t want to see and thats the truth.  It was in front of me and I looked past it because I didn’t want too.

 

 

Own your truth.  You can’t control other people, but you can control you.

 

no one else needs to post, you summed it up 10000% perfectly 

[Amy<3]

hey I like to agree with myself too!!

[Guest Gotixbabbygurl]

You should take a break off for realz with no contact to each other and live your life without talking to each other and come back later on to the realinship

[Littlest_Bee]

Dear Amy,

 

even in an overwhelmingly nice forum like this one, people will hold strong opinions. Especially on a subject like cheating. And I don't think it's possible to sum up a whole relationship in one post.

 

I get that it's tempting to ask a community - the hope is often that someone will find the words one oneself has in one's heart but can't quite get out. But the truth is while emotional distance can help to find insights on a subject it also means that nobody can "feel" what you are going through and what you need to find clarity yourself.

This is a muddled situation and you probably will need time to sort through this mess. A friend, ideally one who knows you well and has at least had some opportunity to form an impression of him, might be a much better source for advice than a forum of people who are essentially strangers to both of you.

 

Maybe writing things down is helpful to you. A diary or private journal seems like a good idea then. Just to sort some things out.

If reading advice is something you like or find helpful, I find that it actually helps me more to read about similar situations compared to discussing the details of my own - it doesn't hit as close to home, so it's not as hurtful but it still can give a new perspective. I can map out the differences and come to my own conclusions.

 

There are some general guidelines but people are different and there is no "one size fits all". As I said before: nobody can make the decision for you.

 

Take the time to work out what you would have liked to hear when you made this post because that also tells you something about your state. My guess is that you kind of wanted confirmation that he is making progress by admitting to the kiss because you probably doubt if it is. There's a reason you included that detail.

 

I could speculate about a whole bunch of things in your original post and make declarations about how it could have been handled better - none of that would help you. You need to work out where you want things to go from here.

[Guest]

I am not 15 anymore, I am almost 20 at this point. I didn't force anyone to read everything. If it's too long for you just ignore it, ok? But then please don't give advice if you didn't understand the full situation. I am not in raging puberty. If it was as easy as some answers suggest I would be gone by now. My daddy doesn't have a drug problem anymore. He stays in Friday and Saturday nights so he can study. Over the past almost 2 years the only girl he has been with threatened to kill herself if he would leave. He is changing.

 

The connection we have is truly truly unique and long distance is so fucking hard. I feel like we have been through too much together to just give this up. So many goodbyes on airports. So much heartbrake. we talk for hours on Skype and he is the only person that can cheer me up when I'm down. He helped me to get through countless crises. For the past years I have been waiting to finally close the distance. I am so close. He is minoring in Scandinavian studies just so he can spend a semester abroad with me. Do you really believe taht doesn't stand for anything? Yes he is flawed, but I can see such change in him. He says he wants what's best for me and understands if I have to leave him. I can't stand to see the pain in his face when he says taht.

 

I hate to admit it but I did meet him when I wasn't ready for a relationship taht serious. That's not an excuse for cheating that's just why I did it. I cheated one time 3 years ago. I am ready now and have been for a while. I am an honest person and I hide no secrets from him.

 

 

"over the past almost 2 years the only girl he has been with threatened to kill herself if he would leave"

are you even reading what you are typing? stop making excuses for him. he shouldnt have been in that situation anyways. i come from a past of my exboyfriend/exdaddy cheating on me for what im thinking now was the entire 10 YEARS of our relationship... i always forgave him and accepted his excuses and stuck up for him when people told me to leave. my ex would tell me the same things that yours is telling you... one of them that he stayed with one girl because she threatened to tell me...

i was 23 when i met him... he cheated on me until i was 33 and finally got it through my head that he wasnt going to change... yes.. 10 years.

do not be like me.

and yes, my ex would tell me the same things and cry and promise he would never do it again......

then the next one came along.

 

you guys were young when you got together and people grow a lot in those early years. you are both to blame for the toxic relationship... 

but you really need to dig deep and think to yourself... do you really want to be dealing with this in 10 years? cuz im proof that it happens.

will you be happy 10 years from now and you look back and hes still cheating and you feel like you've wasted your entire life?

 

you really need to do some thinking.

people here arent being rude to you, they are trying to get you to wake up

[Guest]

also, you say that you are 20 now... but your profile says 18?