Codependency

[TwilightSparklez]

Codependency is a topic I have been pondering about lately and would love and appreciate your insights on the topic of codependency in a DDlg dynamic. For me, my struggle with finding a Daddy has been finding someone who is a strong Alpha male, and here is the kicker, he wants a little but doesn't need a little. What I mean by Alpha is without a little in his life he can still function 100% despite the fact he might feel lonely, but he has a clear definition of himself and where he is going and focuses on that goal and all his other goals more than his need of having a little. 

 

On the other side of the spectrum, I can see how a little can become codependent on their Daddy. Speaking from real-life encounters, I have seen littles who lose themselves, their purpose in life and to the extreme their ability to function and make themselves happy without a Daddy. I have also heard littles who are looking for a Daddy to give them structure in their life because they have none or to help them become a better person. Shouldn't a little be doing all those things on their own already? Isn't it codependent going into a relationship hoping for your partner to give you definition, goals, purpose?

 

Personally, I want the structure not because I don't have it but it gives me a clear, safe guideline in the relationship that lets me know that I am being thought of and this is how things should flow. I would like someone to aide me on the path to better myself but I have already started that journey walking that path. At times I wonder if my need to be clingy is codependent. But codependency and healthy relationships is something I am still exploring.

 

What are your thoughts on codependency?

[Guest Ginger]

I can see where you're coming from. Personally, both people need to be able to function without the other. Can I still do everyday things like drink enough water, take my meds, care for my puppy, etc. without the chore chart and rules my husband has given me? Absolutely. I hate drinking water so I might substitute things but overall, I can care for myself. My husband can do his own thing without me there. I have friends outside of him, he has friends outside of me. It's very unhealthy to be so dependent on someone for your own happiness, purpose, etc.

 

As long as you can function without your significant other/partner/etc. I think you're doing well. We all need help sometimes though, just was long as it doesn't turn into all the time.

 

Btw, it's different if the person medically needs help at all times... I'm not saying that's unhealthy.

[boomslang]

Speaking from real-life encounters, I have seen littles who lose themselves, their purpose in life and to the extreme their ability to function and make themselves happy without a Daddy. I have also heard littles who are looking for a Daddy to give them structure in their life because they have none or to help them become a better person. Shouldn't a little be doing all those things on their own already? Isn't it codependent going into a relationship hoping for your partner to give you definition, goals, purpose?

 

I think it's good to let your partner boost you up, motivate you, inspire you, care for you, and so on, but I agree that it's unhealthy for either side to seek out a partner *for the purpose of fixing their issues.*  That's not a relationship, that's a crutch.  That's literally what counselors and doctors are for.

 

There's a difference in needing your partner because you truly, deeply love them and needing them because they handle your life for you.  As someone that has personally dealt with mental/physical illness over the years, I find it a little disturbing to see people placing the weight of recovery and stability onto the shoulders of someone that A) may not actually be aware and willing to engage in that type of dependence (not realizing until they're up to their eyeballs in it and feel obligated to keep this person from falling apart) or is not capable of actually handling it in a safe way (ghosts or mistreats a partner that is clearly unstable).  

 

I think codependency can be pretty bad for all sides, and I think it can be easy to disguise/overlook in the DDLG scene.

[Untwisted]

It's easy to get the impression here that a lot of people here are seeking out a somewhat codependent relationship (and by that I mean not everybody).  While it's probably nice to be completely taken care of, needing someone else in order to get through life (and I'm not counting medical needs etc) isn't a healthy relationship in my view.

"Wants a little but doesn't need a little" pretty much describes me, and without trying to turn this into a personal ad, I'd say I'm looking for someone who is self-sufficient enough to live her life unaided but could benefit from having a "grown up" to lean on for support and encouragement.

To me DDLG shouldn't be about keeping someone little and dependent but about helping someone to grow and improve.  And that has nothing to do with being little, growing as a person doesn't mean anyone has to "grow up".  That's just my take on it anyway.

[TwilightSparklez]

I can see where you're coming from. Personally, both people need to be able to function without the other. Can I still do everyday things like drink enough water, take my meds, care for my puppy, etc. without the chore chart and rules my husband has given me? Absolutely. I hate drinking water so I might substitute things but overall, I can care for myself. My husband can do his own thing without me there. I have friends outside of him, he has friends outside of me. It's very unhealthy to be so dependent on someone for your own happiness, purpose, etc.

 

As long as you can function without your significant other/partner/etc. I think you're doing well. We all need help sometimes though, just was long as it doesn't turn into all the time.

 

Btw, it's different if the person medically needs help at all times... I'm not saying that's unhealthy.

Thank you for that insight. There are lots of things I can do but hate doing, like you drinking water. So by myself, I may not be the best at it but I am not dying of dehydration or putting myself at risk because I drink tea and other things. I can function just not in the way a future caregiver may prefer. I think that is what your getting at is you can function but your husband has a way he prefers?

 

 

I think it's good to let your partner boost you up, motivate you, inspire you, care for you, and so on, but I agree that it's unhealthy for either side to seek out a partner *for the purpose of fixing their issues.*  That's not a relationship, that's a crutch.  That's literally what counselors and doctors are for.

 

There's a difference in needing your partner because you truly, deeply love them and needing them because they handle your life for you.  As someone that has personally dealt with mental/physical illness over the years, I find it a little disturbing to see people placing the weight of recovery and stability onto the shoulders of someone that A) may not actually be aware and willing to engage in that type of dependence (not realizing until they're up to their eyeballs in it and feel obligated to keep this person from falling apart) or is not capable of actually handling it in a safe way (ghosts or mistreats a partner that is clearly unstable).  

 

I think codependency can be pretty bad for all sides, and I think it can be easy to disguise/overlook in the DDLG scene.

I've never looked at it from the perspective that going into a relationship as a fully functional person means I would be letting my partner boost me up, motivate, inspire and so on vs nurture, take care of etc. Not saying that they cannot nurture you or care for you but those things being bonuses not foundations for the relationship. Thank you for the perspective.

 

 

It's easy to get the impression here that a lot of people here are seeking out a somewhat codependent relationship (and by that I mean not everybody).  While it's probably nice to be completely taken care of, needing someone else in order to get through life (and I'm not counting medical needs etc) isn't a healthy relationship in my view.

 

"Wants a little but doesn't need a little" pretty much describes me, and without trying to turn this into a personal ad, I'd say I'm looking for someone who is self-sufficient enough to live her life unaided but could benefit from having a "grown up" to lean on for support and encouragement.

To me DDLG shouldn't be about keeping someone little and dependent but about helping someone to grow and improve.  And that has nothing to do with being little, growing as a person doesn't mean anyone has to "grow up".  That's just my take on it anyway.

I like your overall viewpoint, it's hard sometimes to see that line of being little and overly dependent and being little but growing as a person, which is why I am exploring this topic.

 

Thank you all so much for your input.

Edited October 23, 2017 by TwilightSparklez

[Guest DaddyCares1]

 

I agree. 

I think the littles who 'need’ a caregiver, are sadly often the ones that get hurt. The need is so high that logical reason goes out the window, and attachment is immediate. As a guy, I want to earn the respect of my girl. Not be given it free of charge. 

Having a caregiver is great. It can make dealing with difficult issues much easier. However caregivers are not problem solvers. 

[Guest littlelisafrank]

I'm not the wisest and most experienced person as far as relationships and life go, but I think it all boils down to taking responsibility for yourself. Living life is sooo hard, and some things in life no one can prepare you for, and that brings on a lot of anxiety and frustration and even hopelessness for many people.

 

It seems so logical to find someone who can take care of the bumps in the road for you, or at the very least, be an escape from the hardships of life so that you don't have to deal with it anymore. The truth is, though, that no one can live your life for you. It's not fair to ask someone to, either. It'll run the other person into the ground, leave you feeling unfulfilled, and put a strain on your relationship. It can also open you up to being easily manipulated and conned by not so nice people. Either way, it's not going to end well and will only leave you feeling even more unhappy and hurt than before.

 

A partner, whether they're a Dom or not, is meant to support you in whatever way they can while you live your life. They're not there to live your life for you or be a distraction. You're too smart and capable to just give that much power over to someone else. Plus, it'll make things much easier for you and any future Daddy/partner you have in the long run.

 

(I'm using the general "You" here, btw. This wasn't directed at a specific person.)