Does she truly want me to be a dom?

[BovinDaddyDay]

Hi guys, im back with a few more questions. But first, a little background on it. I have been married 9 years, 13 years together. My wife has always had a little side to her. We never explored it much, as she never expressed the want to. I have always been a daddy in small ways to her. 

 

Here recently, we had a separation in which we got back together and worked things out. Since then she has been very open on the types of things she is into. She has come out and told me she is a little, and wants me to be her daddy. I was honored and very happy about this. She also has expressed wants for me to be a DD. Now i have a few traits that make me into a dom. It's always been a give and take thing for me, i like being a dom most the time, but i never pushed it to far. Each time i really tried to be a dom, she would get pissed off and resist me. 

 

We have recently started up a lot of BDSM in our sex lives. She has told me several times that she wants to be my sub. The problem is: We are both very fresh in this type of relationship. I have no problem being a dom, but every time i do, she has gotten pissed off about something, threw a fit, and left the scene. She acts like i don't know a thing about being a dom. I have read MANY posts, articles, and guides, and everything they gave as advice, i was mostly already doing. 

 

The thing is, i have told her many many times that she needs to talk with me on exactly what she likes in it, how far she wants me to go, and give me her hard and soft limits. She won't tho. She blows it off as if i should just know them already. I know most everything she likes in the bed, and most else where. We have been together 13 years. 

 

Something she said tonight has really got me a bit triggered tho. She said that she thinks that she should have her first real dom experience with another man, someone whos done this kind of thing a long time. Now i know there are a few pros to that, and i know there are several cons to that, given our relationship and all. I told her that the best thing we could do is to conversate with each other, let each other know what we like, and don't like. Experiment with different scenes, and styles, methods. That even if she has another dom "Show her" that it does no good for the two of us. I even just a few minutes ago, tried to get her to write out a role play scene describing the type of scene she would like the most, what would she like to happen in it? And of course, she blow that idea off too. 

 

My mind is telling me several things, due to a few problems we have had in the past with loyalty and respect. I feel like she just wants another man to be her dom, regardless of my thoughts, and not me. Like she is not even willing to learn with me, since she has no experience as a sub either. She has friends who act like they are doms on the internet that she talks to, but listening to them, they are nothing more then pretenders. 

 

I have told her that she is mine and no one else, regardless of whether i am her dom or not, i am her husband. I feel like she might be disregarding that. If she was to get another man, it would be over for our relationship. I do not share my little princess with no one. She knows that. It would not be fair for me to let her do that.

 

My real question is: Do you guys think she is truly wanting to be a sub? Is she just wanting to be with another man basicly? Is there something wrong with me wanting to learn to be a better DD at the same time as her, together, through us both experimenting? Is me telling her that only i will be her DD and no one else wrong? Would i be wrong to tell the other men tryen to be her dom to fuck off before they get in to deep of shit? 

 

Any help would be great! I'm on the verge of just telling her to fuck it and forget about me being anything but a husband to her.

[Guest chilldude]

Wow, just wow. A few things seem obvious

1. She isn't communicating at all, so nothing can be solved
2. She seems more interested in another man than you, sorry to say

Forget about being a dom/daddy to her. Remove all the kink and try to fix the relationship

[James.]

I may come back for a more detailed reply later, but what chilldude said was correct. You have very deep issues within the relationship, regardless of any bdsm dynamic. The fact that she wants to see another man after 13 years of marriage is a massive red flag. Especially when you are not at all opposed to being a Dom. This is true regardless of how well you do at fulfilling the role, and if I take your word on your performance, then that's not even an issue outside of her lack of communication. There are warning signs everywhere for me as far as her commitment to your relationship, based on her voicing desires to be with another Dom and your description of past issues with loyalty and respect. No matter what, you do not have to share her with anyone. If she does not respect this, then I would take a really good look at whether or not this person is someone who will actually respect your relationship. I am the absolute last person to tell someone to throw away a marriage of any type, especially one so long, but both partners have to be willing to work at it and be committed to one another 100%. You can't be worrying about fidelity or that'll destroy any trust you have between one another. When all else comes crashing down, you have to know that the person is at least yours. Without that you have nothing. I truly hope she is willing to work through these issues with you. I just advise you be cautious and do not ignore any future red flags. Take care and good luck. 

[Cheshire Kitten]

I'm in a similar situation. The situation does not get easier if it's all one-sided. I agree with the previous posts that if you value the relationship - if she values the relationship, fixing the bond of husband and wife needs to come first before being Dom/sub, and it's not just you who needs to make a commitment to that bond. It might be time be time to revaluate your marriage, if she's not willing to match you effort for effort.

[Guest SUeB]

None of the other stuff matter. She is looking to get with another man. If you are (supposedly) monogamous, why are you just being ok with that? With that knowledge, I wouldn't really care what she wanted after hearing that, to be honest. But thats just me. Loyalty and fidelity are before anything else.

[BovinDaddyDay]

Thanks guys! Your input really helps out! Yes, we split because i walked in on her video chatting with another man whilst naked, showing herself. At the time we had no problems in our sex life, so i was caught completely off-guard by it. I was the type of guy who you had never thought she would even think about doing something like that, had not even a single doubt. Every since then, i have had severe trust issues with her. I love her to death, she is my princess, but i told her she has to give me a while to overcome these issues. That i was working on them as hard as i could. She seems to be ok with that, and understands what she did was wrong. 

 

I know she mentioned that she wanted to be with another dom as her first experience, but should i be worried that she might seek another out? And yes im completely NOT ok with her being with another man. Not after what has happened. Maybe if she showed a 100% commitment to me, i would not mind a 3rd party, someone i know and trust to know their place in our relationship. I tried to get her to roleplay with me last night, to get a good feel on how she would want a scene to play out, but she blew it off and ended up just going to sleep. 

 

To me, i feel as if she is only interested in things that she wants, and nothing of what i want out of it. I might need to crack the whip on her and tell her how it is going to be, if we try to continue the dom/sub relationship. I know i am a good dom (for a beginner at least). The main problem is just like you guys said, the lack of communication. I feel as if i just want to bend her over and tan her hide sometimes because she just does not want to but any effort into it. I have told her that we need to learn this DD/LG relationship together, or else it will not be the same. I just don't think she understands. I would ask that if any of you guys/girls, know a site that has any info on someone that maybe had the same problem as me, could you link it for me? I know she likes to read about this stuff, and she often listens to those who have a lot of experience with it. 

 

Once again, thank you all! I really appreciate the help.

[Guest SUeB]

I can only say what I feel from what I've read. I may be way off the mark, but right or wrong, this is only my opinion.

You seem to be making too much effort to apologise for HER behaviour. Has she said she will try work on her cheating, rather than you telling her how hard you will try get over it? It all seems to be coming from one direction.

It all does to be honest. She doesn't seem at all interested in any of this, either the relationship (both d/s and otherwise), and working out how to fix her past behaviour, especially since she's already talking about wanting other men!

[Princess-P]

A few things that really stand out to me is that she's refusing to work with you or communicate. Essentially she's blocking all effort to get things right then blaming you for not being a mind reader. Its a scapegoat.

 

Secondly, her wanting to have sex with another man, or experienced Dom, is ridiculous. Because any experienced Dom will say they need to know their partners limits, safe words, and what they desire from a scene. Is she that uneducated in the D/s dynamic that she thinks she won't have to communicate with an experienced Dom? Or a bigger question, why be willing to go through that process with a stranger but not her own husband?

 

And lastly, in my personal opinion, I could never imagine being touched by another man. My Daddy is the only one for me. If you love someone, commit to them. It honestly seems like she's just chasing a reason to get laid by someone else. And because you've clearly expressed that your not OK with it then that should be the end of it.

 

She's blocking all your effort and not communicating why and what's wrong. I think forgetting about trying to force a dynamic between the two of you is a good idea. You may be a daddy and she may be a little, but that doesn't mean your compatible. It sounds like the foundation of your relationship is cracked. You should fix that before trying to add more labels and dynamics on top of it.

Edited September 6, 2017 by Princess-P

[Cheshire Kitten]

I'm going to be blunt, so I apologise if this will sound harsh.

 

Right now, it sounds like you're focusing on the wrong issue. Commitment and trust, not communication. If she hasn't made an effort to try to earn back your trust and recommit to your marriage, she'll probably continue her behavior. From what you've said, it doesn't seem like she has considered your feelings at all. Like SUeB stated, it seems like you're accepting blame for her misdeed - it's not your fault she cheated.

 

I'm not saying you're totally blameless because a marriage takes two, but her seeking out other men or having no desire to rebuild that broken trust, that falls in her lap.

Edited September 6, 2017 by Cheshire Kitten

[Guest infinitecases]

Like others have said, you need to communicate with her. Before any scene, you need to establish what she is and isn't comfortable with and her limits. A d/s relationship requires so much trust, and if she is constantly pushing you away and saying she wants to learn from an 'experienced dom', I don't think she truly wants to be your sub. Expecting you to know exactly what she wants is not reasonable and venturing into bdsm with your partner should and could be a very rewarding journey for the both of you to learn the others needs and wants. Perhaps you need to have a talk with her about what she truly wants out of this, and whether she wants to be your sub or if she just wants to experience a D/S relationship with someone else. 

 

I personally feel that my daddy would be the only person I would trust with that kind of relationship/situation, and perhaps you should see if she truly does know what she's getting herself into when she says she want to be a submissive, since it seems you're pretty well read on the dynamic. A different dom could show her a way that is specific to him, and maybe she'll like it, but learning from that will not necessarily be able to help the two of you if your needs are completely different to that of the other dom. She'd have to go through the same ritual that she is refusing to go through with you just to be able to participate in any scene with that dom. 

[BovinDaddyDay]

Princess-P, I agree with you 100% on why would she be willing to do it for an experienced dom but a total stranger, and not her husband! I told her the same thing! I also agree with you infinitecases, i feel the same on that. I don't think that another man being her dom would help the two of us in any way or form. It would be exactly opposite. We are going to have a sit down, and discuss this together. 

 

Yes i may be accepting too much of the blame for all this, i do tend to give into her too much, it's just my loving daddy side. I don't like to argue with brick walls, so i just tend to say fuck it and move on or forget about it. I really hate doing this tho. It pisses me off to my roots. But it's not easy to give up on a 13 year relationship. If she is not willing to work with me and have me work with her on our D/S sides, then they will not exist in our relationship or with another man. I think that's a very reasonable thing there.

[Cheshire Kitten]

It's not an easy situation, no matter how you slice the pie. In the end, it has to come down to health and happiness - hers and yours. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you find the solution you're looking for.

[Guest SUeB]

A few things that really stand out to me is that she's refusing to work with you or communicate. Essentially she's blocking all effort to get things right then blaming you for not being a mind reader. Its a scapegoat.

 

Secondly, her wanting to have sex with another man, or experienced Dom, is ridiculous. Because any experienced Dom will say they need to know their partners limits, safe words, and what they desire from a scene. Is she that uneducated in the D/s dynamic that she thinks she won't have to communicate with an experienced Dom? Or a bigger question, why be willing to go through that process with a stranger but not her own husband?

 

And lastly, in my personal opinion, I could never imagine being touched by another man. My Daddy is the only one for me. If you love someone, commit to them. It honestly seems like she's just chasing a reason to get laid by someone else. And because you've clearly expressed that your not OK with it then that should be the end of it.

 

She's blocking all your effort and not communicating why and what's wrong. I think forgetting about trying to force a dynamic between the two of you is a good idea. You may be a daddy and she may be a little, but that doesn't mean your compatible. It sounds like the foundation of your relationship is cracked. You should fix that before trying to add more labels and dynamics on top of it.

A thousand times yes on all of this. ALL of it.

[Guest SUeB]

But it's not easy to give up on a 13 year relationship.

Hate to say this, but sounds like she gave up on it a while ago

[BovinDaddyDay]

I really hope not. I'm not going to give up on her. She means to much to me. Lately we have been doing pretty good tho. Better than we have.

[Guest SUeB]

All i can do is wish you luck then. Just one last thing, she no doubt knows you won't give up on her, so she has no reason to act any differently. She basically has your permission.