Should I end it all or wait? (very long post)

[LittleBabyKitty]

If you choose to read this, please read to the end...it's important.

 

This will be a lengthy post, so I will include as much background so that the reader will have enough of a general perspective of what happened to give any advice or thoughts that I greatly need at this time.

 

I met my LDR fiance (Daddy and best friend) about a year and a half ago.  Both of us have had our share of bad relationships (me more than him), and at the time, neither of us were looking for love.  I met him through a friend of a friend who makes music (I made instrumental tracks for Daddy’s friend), and Daddy and I started talking the FIRST day he joined social media, had so much in common that was rare, and we haven’t stopped talking since.

 

This music friend of his (Mark is the friend) is known to be a general awful person.  At his best, he’s funny and extremely talented in all aspects of music, and him and Daddy grew up together.  However, Mark is a thief, a compulsive liar, and has abused his friendship with Daddy and even wronged Daddy’s family throughout the years.  Mark and Daddy worked at the same farm until several months ago when Mark’s mother died, and he stopped working at the farm.

 

Daddy knows Mark is a bad influence, and for the sake of bettering his own life and trying to be a better man for me (save money so we can finally live together).  Daddy was doing great getting his life on track for a about 6 months without Mark and other bad friends in his life until…

About a month ago, Daddy’s boss hired Mark back at the farm because Daddy’s boss (Jack) is ALSO into music and just recorded an album and wanted Mark’s musical influence close by.

 

Jack is another “issue” in Daddy’s life that he can’t escape.  Jack has schizoid tendencies, smokes weed, and tends to have “crazy spells” every now and then.  Daddy tries to work around Jack’s issues because he is a brilliant person, valued friend, and a good person AND Daddy’s boss, so Daddy tries to stay in good terms with Jack because he loves that job.

 

Daddy also has family issues (narcissist mother and a sister who threatens suicide or self-harm every other month).  Daddy is the 2^nd youngest of 6 siblings, but the oldest boy, so all the immediate family drama falls on his shoulders since his family is VERY italian and expects alot from him.

 

Back to Mark (the awful friend), ever since Mark got hired by Jack (daddy’s boss) a month ago, Daddy has been distant.  Last Monday, Daddy disappeared with no explanation for 24 hrs, and when he finally came back, he explained that after driving Art home (an elderly coworker from the farm) and Mark home, and running errands for another sister and another friend (helping move furniture), Daddy ended up at Mark’s house, drank a few beers to unwind and ended up drinking too much and passing out at Marks.  I told Daddy to never disappear like that again, and he agreed.

 

A few days pass of normal contact, and then this past Friday, Daddy texted me after work saying he was going to drop people off at home after work, and stop by his sister’s house (the NOT crazy one) to help her move furniture again (she refurbishes and sells furniture). I said ok and hours passed, and he never came home.  I texted and called, tried to remain patient.  

 

24 hrs passed, I texted, nothing.  48 hours passed, I texted and called him and his mother, and nothing.  3 whole days passed, and nothing, and I texted two friends of his, not to bother them, but just to find out if Daddy was simply ok/alive.

 

Quick note:  I am an EXTREMELY introverted person, and greatly value space and “me time”, so if/when people in my life need space (even Daddy), I always oblige if they just tell me what’s going on and ask for space.  Daddy knows this.  

 

I repeatedly ask Daddy all the time if he needs space or a break, and he always says no, so it was an utter shock that he ghosted on me for 3 whole days with no explanation.  His mother told me something was going on with the crazy sister of his and that he was helping her, but Daddy could’ve quickly sent me a text to tell me (“Hey Janice is going nuts again, I need a few days to help her out”), and I would’ve COMPLETELY understood and been ok with it.  I NEVER keep Daddy away from his family responsibilities.

 

Last night, I told his mom that I cannot take it anymore, it was cruel and unfair for her son to do this.  She tried to convince me to wait another day “Honey, please let’s wait another day and find out what’s going on, let’s talk tomorrow.” his mom said.

 

I didn’t answer back after that.

 

This morning I told my mother what was going on because I could no longer hide my emotions anymore, and she also said “Wait and see, don’t be mean, show love love love.”

 

He finally texted me this morning (4^th day of him being away)…

 

“I am so sorry for doing this to you.  I’m extremely lost mentally.  The past 2 weeks, I honestly have no clue wtf is going on.  My mind is piled to the max of stress, and I needed a getaway.  Between almost losing you (if I haven’t already), to having a schizo boss, Mark coming back into my life, mom being crazy, taking care of Janice because she got kicked out, I’m drained mentally and physically.

 

I’m sorry for not telling you about my “run away”, it all just happened so impulsively and so quickly.  I hate to ask, but I just need a couple more days to recharge.  You can wait for me if you want, and we can talk about this, but if not, then I guess this is our goodbye.

 

Sorry for treating you like you meant nothing to me.  I really do love you, and I have a hard time showing it, but I always tried.  You deserve more love, someone who’s gonna treat you like a queen, and has their shit together you so you two can be together.

 

No need to respond back, but if you feel the need to say anything, I’ll listen…

I’ll reach out when I’m ready, and if you don’t respond, then that will be my answer.

 

I love you.”

 

I’m at a loss.  Should I avoid HIM for a few days?  Should I just block him on everything and get out of his life?  How many days should I wait if I DO wait for him to come back?  Both of our mother’s say wait.

 

He didn’t say anything about wanting to stay with me or that he still wants me, but he didn’t say it’s over.  It sounds like he’s given up and doesn’t care if I respond and just wants an easy way out…but that could be my projecting my worst fears.

 

We are engaged, and my parents just told me this weekend (they didn’t know what was going on at the time, but my mom knows as of this morning) that they’re willing to let him move in here 6 months to a year to find a job so we can get on our feet and see me happy with him.

 

What the fuck do I do?

 

Please, if you have compassionate, constructive advice, gimmie all you got.  If your advice is going to be catty and cruel like I’ve seen some people offer in here, please do not respond.

 

I thank anyone for gentle but realistic advice.  I am a realist, but I certainly don’t need extra negativity by way of a catty tone right now.

 

Thank you if you read this far.

 

 

 

[StefanC71_UK]

Hi, and first of all I'm sorry that you are going through this.

 

From what he has said about needing time out from all the crazy things going on in his life, and as you've listed them all, I can see the pressure he is under, and I can see that he may be having a breakdown. It may be fleeting. Most of us have times in our life when things get too much, and typically it's when so many people expect and demand so much of you.

 

I can see from his perspective that he needed time out, not from you, from everything. When this happens, and it's actually quite common, people don't tend to advertise that it's what they're going to do.

 

I can also fully understand your perspective too. 2 minutes to tell you he needed time out from life would have saved you both some emotional turmoil.

 

But honestly he probably wasn't thinking that way. He probably just shut down.

 

This may be fleeting as I said.

 

In my opinion, give him some time. Let him deal with and process all of the other crap in his life. But you are within your rights to only put up with that for as long as you can take.

 

Offer him your support, let him know that you're there for him, that he can talk to you about all the crazy people in his life and that you can help him work through it.

 

Ultimately, it seems to me that he needs to change job to get away from negative influences. Easier said than done, but seems your mom has opened a door there.

 

I can understand him being the one his family looks to, and of course they're his family, but he could do with a break from those too, and should probably set some boundaries with them. They need to understand that he can only do so much and sometimes they have tkblook elsewhere for support.

 

He probably feels trapped in doing do much for do many.

 

Talk to him when you can, tell him about your mom's offer, tell him there's a way out. See how he responds to that and go from there.

 

I hope it all works out for you.

[Guest ~Luna Rawrs~]

Do what you think is right. Something similar happened to me literally 4 months ago. But it was me who needed a few days to themself. My life was a bit fucked up, so i ghosted for a week to get away. I was confused and scare and a bit lost on what i should be doing. I lost my bf of 10 months because his family told him he deserved better and he 'fell out of love with me' and this was an LDR relationship like yours...But my advice to you is reevaluate everything that has happened since Mark came back into your fiancees life. Do you want to loose him? Are you giving up on him and your relationship? Do you love him? If the answer is no then stay with him and comfort him. Show him you are by his side ever step of the way. If you answered yes to one or more them....well you'll know what to do.

[PrincessClara]

Honestly it sounds like he has a lot going on. I would definitely respond to him and tell him how you feel and if you will be waiting for him or not. I cannot tell you what to do with that part, because only you know how you feel. If it were me, I would probably give him another chance and just try to show him love and support. I would also definitely talk to him about taking your parents up on the offer of him coming to live with you guys and get on his feet. It sounds like he needs out of his toxic surroundings and then you guys would have a good chance to make it together. Life happens sometimes and especially with LDR it's hard to keep up with everything sometimes.Take some time, do some soul searching and inner reflecting and see how you truly feel. I have a feeling you guys will work through this and be stronger for it  

[LittleBabyKitty]

Do what you think is right. Something similar happened to me literally 4 months ago. But it was me who needed a few days to themself. My life was a bit fucked up, so i ghosted for a week to get away. I was confused and scare and a bit lost on what i should be doing. I lost my bf of 10 months because his family told him he deserved better and he 'fell out of love with me' and this was an LDR relationship like yours...But my advice to you is reevaluate everything that has happened since Mark came back into your fiancees life. Do you want to loose him? Are you giving up on him and your relationship? Do you love him? If the answer is no then stay with him and comfort him. Show him you are by his side ever step of the way. If you answered yes to one or more them....well you'll know what to do.

I'm sorry you went through that, even if it was reversed.  Hope you've recovered from that moment in time.  I texted him back just now and said "You will break up with me or work this out." He said okay and promised he was faithful while he's been away, and I believe him.  If he did cheat, his mom would tell me. Lol.  I'm going to give him space for him to decide, as hard as it is.  Thank you for your time and response.  It helps to be given things to think about like you offered.  ::hugs::

[LittleBabyKitty]

Honestly it sounds like he has a lot going on. I would definitely respond to him and tell him how you feel and if you will be waiting for him or not. I cannot tell you what to do with that part, because only you know how you feel. If it were me, I would probably give him another chance and just try to show him love and support. I would also definitely talk to him about taking your parents up on the offer of him coming to live with you guys and get on his feet. It sounds like he needs out of his toxic surroundings and then you guys would have a good chance to make it together. Life happens sometimes and especially with LDR it's hard to keep up with everything sometimes.Take some time, do some soul searching and inner reflecting and see how you truly feel. I have a feeling you guys will work through this and be stronger for it

Aww, what you said hit me hard and I'm choking up.  You are spot on about his environment being toxic, which is why my parents are willing to give him refuge here with me.  It took my Dad forever to come around, but we are a Mexican family, and very old fashioned which is why I moved back home when my mom got sick.  We stick together and since I love him, my mom loves him and they're willing to support who I love if it means he will be able to support me soon after.

Luckily he's been faithful while he's been away, and I strongly demanded him to break up with me or take some time and come back to work it out.  I understand his situation, and am reacting with compassion first.  All I can do is wait now to see what he thinks is best.

Thank you for this response, it gives me hope.

::hugs::

[Guest Alainnb]

Hello  

So first of all.... I'm deeply sorry you had to go through that much, especially not hearing from him for so long!
 

The first thing I would ask myself is: " Do I want it to end here and now?". If yes, no need to answer back.... he clearly stated though that no response means for him that you don't want him anymore and that he already lost you so I'd definitly reply even if it just something small like saying that you're relieved he's fine or so.  It would probably leave him heartbroken if you don't and then answer after a whole week passed already.....


When I read your explanation of the situation, the first thing that came to my mind was that he probably really just needs a break. Daddies are just humans as well even though they can feel like being superheroes. If I would go through something like this, I would need a break as well.

 

There has been a lot in his life going on that has probably shaken him to the core mentally and emotionally. And let's be honest: no one wants his/her loved one to see them hurt, confused and feeling lost. Especially if you are supposed to be the knight in shining armour.

 

I also don't think he has given up already.... the message sounds like he chose his words carefully so that they won't hurt you even more. I believe he doesn't want to sound possessive and gives you the choice whether you want to leave him or give up. For me, that's just love. 

 

In movies, it is always the guy trying to win the girls heart back after messing up but if you are already going through a hard time yourself and have such a family, I would think that " Maybe she deserves someone better than me, someone that can make her truly happy without all of the family drama. If she will be happy without me, I should maybe give up. " You always want your loved one to be happy, right? He feels like he already lost you and can't know what you feel inside, he didn't even see you again yet.....but he still tried to explained himself and has this small hope that you'll still give him a chance.

 

So my advice: talk! You only read this one message of him, there are still  a lot of things you two need to talk about such as why he didn't simply write a message the last 3 days and how he feels like. He most likely thinks he failed to be a daddy, maybe he did, but every mistake just helps us to improve ourselves and become a better version of our past selves. Give him the time he needs to fix everything in his mind and take care of that chaos of emotions that is currently happening in his heart and then meet up to talk. Maybe start a new beginning, your mom already said she wants to help with that, right?  

 

Oh, and try to imagine you being in the situation, there is probably a lot of pressure on his shoulders, coming from his job and family. Meanwhile, explain detailed how you felt and what you had to be going through.....


Good luck with it!
I hope everything works out just fine!
Please tell us when something new happened and if you need someone to talk: feel free to chat with me 

[LittleBabyKitty]

Hi, and first of all I'm sorry that you are going through this.

 

From what he has said about needing time out from all the crazy things going on in his life, and as you've listed them all, I can see the pressure he is under, and I can see that he may be having a breakdown. It may be fleeting. Most of us have times in our life when things get too much, and typically it's when so many people expect and demand so much of you.

 

I can see from his perspective that he needed time out, not from you, from everything. When this happens, and it's actually quite common, people don't tend to advertise that it's what they're going to do.

 

I can also fully understand your perspective too. 2 minutes to tell you he needed time out from life would have saved you both some emotional turmoil.

 

But honestly he probably wasn't thinking that way. He probably just shut down.

 

This may be fleeting as I said.

 

In my opinion, give him some time. Let him deal with and process all of the other crap in his life. But you are within your rights to only put up with that for as long as you can take.

 

Offer him your support, let him know that you're there for him, that he can talk to you about all the crazy people in his life and that you can help him work through it.

 

Ultimately, it seems to me that he needs to change job to get away from negative influences. Easier said than done, but seems your mom has opened a door there.

 

I can understand him being the one his family looks to, and of course they're his family, but he could do with a break from those too, and should probably set some boundaries with them. They need to understand that he can only do so much and sometimes they have tkblook elsewhere for support.

 

He probably feels trapped in doing do much for do many.

 

Talk to him when you can, tell him about your mom's offer, tell him there's a way out. See how he responds to that and go from there.

 

I hope it all works out for you.

Thank you for reading all of that, Stefan.  I appreciate your thoughtful response, and I agree with everything you said, and most of the things you said I knew deep down but just needed a compassionate nudge and reminder like what you just provided.  I told him I will give him more time to himself, as he has been faithful while away, but I also sternly told him he must break up with me or work it out when he's ready to "come back".  I was able to tell him about my mother's solution, and I will give him time to think some more, and I will reflect as well.

 

Your gracious response was really calming and I thank you so much.

 

::hugs::

[LittleBabyKitty]

Hello  

 

So first of all.... I'm deeply sorry you had to go through that much, especially not hearing from him for so long!

 

The first thing I would ask myself is: " Do I want it to end here and now?". If yes, no need to answer back.... he clearly stated though that no response means for him that you don't want him anymore and that he already lost you so I'd definitly reply even if it just something small like saying that you're relieved he's fine or so.  It would probably leave him heartbroken if you don't and then answer after a whole week passed already.....

 

 

When I read your explanation of the situation, the first thing that came to my mind was that he probably really just needs a break. Daddies are just humans as well even though they can feel like being superheroes. If I would go through something like this, I would need a break as well.

 

There has been a lot in his life going on that has probably shaken him to the core mentally and emotionally. And let's be honest: no one wants his/her loved one to see them hurt, confused and feeling lost. Especially if you are supposed to be the knight in shining armour.

 

I also don't think he has given up already.... the message sounds like he chose his words carefully so that they won't hurt you even more. I believe he doesn't want to sound possessive and gives you the choice whether you want to leave him or give up. For me, that's just love. 

 

In movies, it is always the guy trying to win the girls heart back after messing up but if you are already going through a hard time yourself and have such a family, I would think that " Maybe she deserves someone better than me, someone that can make her truly happy without all of the family drama. If she will be happy without me, I should maybe give up. " You always want your loved one to be happy, right? He feels like he already lost you and can't know what you feel inside, he didn't even see you again yet.....but he still tried to explained himself and has this small hope that you'll still give him a chance.

 

So my advice: talk! You only read this one message of him, there are still  a lot of things you two need to talk about such as why he didn't simply write a message the last 3 days and how he feels like. He most likely thinks he failed to be a daddy, maybe he did, but every mistake just helps us to improve ourselves and become a better version of our past selves. Give him the time he needs to fix everything in his mind and take care of that chaos of emotions that is currently happening in his heart and then meet up to talk. Maybe start a new beginning, your mom already said she wants to help with that, right?

 

Oh, and try to imagine you being in the situation, there is probably a lot of pressure on his shoulders, coming from his job and family. Meanwhile, explain detailed how you felt and what you had to be going through.....

 

 

Good luck with it!

I hope everything works out just fine!

Please tell us when something new happened and if you need someone to talk: feel free to chat with me 

No, we truly love each other, and I know I don't want to give up.  I explained to him that I will not tolerate a passive goodbye, and that he needs to end the relationship or work it out with me when he's ready to come back.  I did tell him about my mother's offer to let him stay with us until we get on our feet, and told him when he's ready, he needs to decide what he wants.  I asked if him if he cheated, and he said no, so I'm willing to give him more space now that I know he's alive and well.  I will express more of my feelings when he comes back around, and will listen to his.  Thank you so much for this insightful response.  You positive outlook toward it gives me hope and things to think about. 

:: many hugs::

[Guest Stinkin'ol'Fred]

There's no easy way to say my opinion on the situation,but I'll be as gentle as possible.

Seems like he is telling you alotta truths there but making you read between the lines. It's never excusable to go ghost for days. That would make me wanna tell him okay. I'm sorry you had such a bad time these past few days I will let you be. It's gonna hurt but you gotta act like you don't care at all right now. It takes a few minutes to send a text or make a quick call. Never settle for someone who doesn't even have a few minutes in 4 days time to tell you wAts up. Peopl who wanna be heard will be heard. Love isn't just didn't feel like textin you or just didn't know what to say about sumin like that at least. Seems like he is trying to push you away but not wanting to be the bad guy. I'd tell him to grow up be honest and come up with a real apology before I ever talked to him again. That's just me. I

 

I know are in pain over it. But I think you should take a step back and really evaluate your pros n cons. Who's to say this wouldn't happen again in the future? Could you suffer thru another 4 days or longer? You deserve someone who wants to tell you their stresses because they find comfort in you listening. Think about you. His words are limboing you back n forth

[LittleBabyKitty]

There's no easy way to say my opinion on the situation,but I'll be as gentle as possible.

Seems like he is telling you alotta truths there but making you read between the lines. It's never excusable to go ghost for days. That would make me wanna tell him okay. I'm sorry you had such a bad time these past few days I will let you be. It's gonna hurt but you gotta act like you don't care at all right now. It takes a few minutes to send a text or make a quick call. Never settle for someone who doesn't even have a few minutes in 4 days time to tell you wAts up. Peopl who wanna be heard will be heard. Love isn't just didn't feel like textin you or just didn't know what to say about sumin like that at least. Seems like he is trying to push you away but not wanting to be the bad guy. I'd tell him to grow up be honest and come up with a real apology before I ever talked to him again. That's just me. I

 

I know are in pain over it. But I think you should take a step back and really evaluate your pros n cons. Who's to say this wouldn't happen again in the future? Could you suffer thru another 4 days or longer? You deserve someone who wants to tell you their stresses because they find comfort in you listening. Think about you. His words are limboing you back n forth

I agree with all the points you made which is why I was so angry with him.  He often has trouble expressing himself and values "competence" in such a way that if he feels he can't do something "right", he will shut down and not try at all.  I did text him back and told him I will NOT allow a passive goodbye, and that HE needs to make a choice between breaking up with me or coming around to work it out. 

 

When he's ready to come around and talk to me about what he did and what he's going through, I will let him know that I will NOT tolerate another "runaway" from him.  I completely believe in giving people space when they need it, and would be willing to let him be if he feels overwhelmed.  But I definitely will not tolerate him ghosting me again, and I will make this extra clear to him when he's ready to talk.

 

I appreciate the way you presented this realistic advice in such a gentle way.  It means very much to me.  Thank you for taking the time to read all that, and I will definitely consider what you said.

 

::hugs::

[Mikaitaku]

I think you are over reacting with the term ghosting, he is clearly stressed and stress makes it hard to communicate. The answer boils down to if you actually love this man or not

[LittleBabyKitty]

Update (as of Sept 10, 2017):

 

After avoiding me on and off for two weeks, my fiance (Daddy and best friend) admitted that he cheated on me with some dumb whore. He got Gonorrhea and bronchitis from it. I sent him a video of me flushing his engagement ring down the toilet, and demanded he block me on everything and fuck off. At least I know the truth now. I'm hurting so bad, I'm numb. Can't even cry.

 

Luckily, we're long distance so I didn't catch anything or get sick.

 

He blocked me on everything, but then decided decided to text me this morning at 6:30 am, "Did I tell you that I cheated on you?"  then immediately blocked me again.

 

Why ME?

 

I'm so lost and so scared to be alone...I would even take him back if he would just talk to me, but he blocked everything, and even blocked my mother's phone.

 

I'm an empty shell.