Needing that good girl....( Possible trigger warning)

[pennypoo]

I am reinventing myself, I just left a abusive realationship but still have to deal with him due to debt. We were as 24 /7 as we could be with the abuse and situation. I am 31 I've also had a on and off Dom since I was 18. I recently decided not to put up with his bullshit either. It's what I had to do. I've moved home, I am alone, I feel most days like I'm on auto pilot but all I want is that support, that phrase wishpered in my ear. That person telling me that I'm a good girl and I can do this. It's the frist time I have been alone in over a decade. I know I need to learn this difficult lesson on begin myself alone but doesn't stop this longing to hear and know someone deeply truly cares and wants to watch me succeed and grow. I'm frozen infear of failing over half the time just rembering the words that have been said over and over, I'm lazy, I'm not good enough....I know that I am for the most part but there that niggling inthe back of my head that it's true. I'm back in school....it's ridiculously difficult and I know I'm getting in my own way but I'm just frozen, lost and don't know where to start. I want this but I'm stuck.... trapped in my own fears wanting to move forward but not sure how without the support of a Dom that's been a constant in my life for so long. Now I have to re learn how to be I've lost that for so long. It hurts so bad not to have that love and support in the way a little sometimes needs. To just hurt like this but knowing I have to be alone for a while.

[Frog]

Bad news: There's absolutely nothing I can say or do that will help you feel better. I'm not going to lie.

 

Good news: That you left and are in the process of starting over tells us a lot more than you think. This next part may sound mean, but bear with me: Right now your brain can in no way see that because at the moment you're really messed up. But look at this way... You left. You're back in school. Yeah, you feel trapped and you feel lost and you feel like shit. Of course you do. Any stress can wear you out mentally and physically. Somewhere deep down there's some strength. It's probably way deep down, like it's hiding in the sewer system so far sunlight hasn't reached it yet. But it's still there. 

 

You're scared, and well, you should be. Life is confusing and messy and scary and all kinds of messed up. However, YOU left. You weren't carried away in a stretcher or a body bag or in a straitjacket. And even if you were carried away yelling and foaming at the mouth, you're not foaming at the mouth right now. Don't go looking for that strength. Pema Chödrön says in "pain and crisis there lies a hidden doorway to freedom that appears to us only when we're sure that there is no way out."

 

Just hurt for a while, but keep sloshing along. You'll get through this.

[Guest Stinkin'ol'Fred]

Pain is weakness leaving the body. Think if it as an opportunity to never have to rely on anyone ever again. Think of the powerful feeling you will have when you get through school and become more than someone else's words. You will be self accomplished and a step further towards something bigger. Think of all the great things you will get to experience now that no one's choosing for you besides you. You decide in this life and sometimes it'll be hard. But just be wise and stay guarded for awhile. Make friends and find your own true happiness. You can do this. You can. You are good enough and you will succeed. If you ever need motivation or just wanna vent frustrations I'm here.

[Guest Stinkin'ol'Fred]

This topic struck me yesterday when I replied. This morning it's still eating at me, something telling me to tell you my story of how I made it. My youngest son's father I was with him almost 3years at the end of it I was pregnant. My son's father had shown signs I should of been looking for but I was blinded by love. Things got really bad on the end. He was more physically abusive then than ever. Throughout the relationship he was really all I had. My folks had given up on me and he was my source of that reassurance. That love I felt like i needed. Anyways, I had followed this man all over. Supported his decisions moved to 2 different states. Just to be yelled at, hit , told bad things and treated badly ,humiliated on purpose. Gaslit and all kinda things. When I left I had my eye gashed open its gotta scar now. And a concussion from blows to the head. Baby boy was fine tho thank God. I was already working a waitressing job and I stayed working all up to delivery day. Went back to work one week after delivery. It took me two years to get completely over him. A and I still think about certain things whenever I am talkin to men who show an interest in me. That guy really messed me up.

 

But as you can see on my profile id love to just be in school too. So you're an inspiration to me. Good job to you as the person above me said as well. You got away. You did it and that's the hardest part. And you did even more cuz you're doing something with your life. Hope your day is going well.