I'm not going to beat the hell out of you on the off chance you are into that sort of thing.

[Guest DominantBlogger]

Just a post I made on Fet some time ago...  Not DDlg specific, but many of us Daddies do enjoy sadism as well with our littles.

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I love Luis CK...  I find his observations on society and human behavior to be remarkable and he breaks thing down in a way that most everyone can understand.  Now, I know he isn't everyone's cup of tea, but he is one of my favorite comedians.  

 

Years ago, in one of his monalogues, he talked about a potential partner that would repeatedly start getting 'hot and heavy' with him only to, at the last minute say no and act like she wasn't interested.  He talked about how he dropped it each time until one night she asked him why they never had sex.  His response was she seemed to not be interested and her rebuttal was she wanted him to just kinda 'take her' regardless of her objections.  Dumbfounded, he told her "I'm not going to just rape you on the off chance that you are into that sort of thing."

 

As Sadists, we often face the same situations.  In general, I'm very careful when playing with a new partner.  This cautious attitude is one born out of a lot of missteps on my part.  Years ago, I met a girl online who bragged about her long years as a live in slave to a particularly heavy Sadist.  She described, in detail, many scenarios that were at times beyond what I would consider my own limits of play.  Scenes involving things that I frankly cannot discuss here due to Fetlife TOS.  Now, to be fair, I should have seen these discussions as the red flags they were.  However, in every other way she seemed normal and well adjusted.  Certainly, I am not one who should be judging anyone's past as my own was very checkered as a young person.  Hindsight is 20/20, and I went ahead with a weekend meeting.

 

I flew her into town on the weekend of a friend of mine's party.  The party was a weekend long kink filled indulgence.  After several dissucussions about our first official scene, it was concluded that she wanted a very intense and fast scene.  I obliglied...  About three quarters of the way through what I had planned she safeworded and the scene ended immediately.  Other than a few very light sessions the rest of the weekend, that was all the play we did.  I took her to the airport the following Sunday night and she flew home.  

 

In discussions with her after the scene, it became clear the scene was not what she expected.  It also became clear through other talks that this person at the least exaggerated her experience and at worst outright lied about having any real world experience at all.  I don't know why she chose to be deceptive to me.  I never gave any indication that her level of experience was a factor in my decision to play with her.  Had she been honest, I would have approached the scene in a  very different way regardless of her desires for one that was so brutally intense.  Many things would have been handled differently.

 

As Sadists, we have an obligation to obtain consent.  We have a requirement to work with a potential partner to find consensual common ground.  If one or both partners are not completely open and honest the consent is based on a false foundation.  The exchange in a power exchange scenario only works if parties involved are not only truthful about their desires but also their limitations... Known or unknown.  

 

Unknown limitations are things we have not experienced.  As a Dominant and Sadist I rightfully would be considered dangerous if I decided to just start branding people without any education, instruction or knowledge of the dangers, precautions and aftercare required.  As a Bottom or Masochist, I would consider you dangerous if you decided to start getting branded without any of the above, as well.  The buzzword in the online community these days seems to be "Personal Responsibility."  But it's more than that.  Its about realizing if you mislead a partner you violate their consent, regardless of which side of the power exchange you are participating.  By misleading a Top/Dominant/Sadist/etc, you not only put yourself in danger but you put their lives at risk, as well.  You are exposing them to legal, social and mental ramifications that could very well follow them the rest of their life.  

 

Now there is a certain segment of the BDSM community that would say it is the Dominant's responsibility, regardless.  They are the one in 'control'.  I understand that.  In many ways I agree.  But to remove the honest communication from the equation means you remove the ability of the Dominant to make an informed decision.  They are not in control.  Without the ability to make an informed decision they do not have the ability to give proper consent.  

 

I need you to communicate with me.  I need you to be open and honest.  I need you to give a true power exchange instead of one that is based on misdirection or misinformation due to your own feelings of inadequecy.  Certainly, this is not what happens in all cases but I have seen it happen a lot.  A lot more than it should.  So I'm not going to beat the hell out of you on the off chance you are into that sort of thing.

[Kitten Cupcake]

I agree, consent and communication are key. Lying is definitely a way to get someone into trouble and getting yourself hurt.

I have never lied to my ex sir before about my limitations and how I really had little to no experience aside from being a full blow little and knew I was masochist-I just didn't know my pain tolerance at the time.

Things went well with us for a while but red flags started to show on his end. It is important to really read into red flags. I would just shrug them aside

and hear his excuses but it is highly important to keep an eye on what a person says and if it's actually true.  If you think something is off and two and two aren't going together listen to that.

I don't understand why someone would play out living a BDSM life as a lie or making it 10x more so "cooler" in their eyes having a fake life etc.

A lot of people forget that BDSM in itself requires a lot of trust, communication, and how serious it is. It's not just rainbows and butterflies (though it can be in the right situations)

as a lot of people paint it out to be. Yes we love it, yes we enjoy it but that does not mean you lie about it and pretend it was more than what you experienced. You can get hurt regardless

of loving and enjoying a scene and aftercare is always, always required because of how emotional a scene can be and get.

Power exchange is amazing when done right on both parties. Dominants have to have self control and a submissive needs to feel comfortable(and have trust in him) enough with their dominants in order to really let go.