Feeling lonely in LDR

[Daddy_Bear7]

Hi everyone,

 

I just wanted to open up about my situation and get some thoughts!

 

I've been in a LDR since April 2016, although for the past 4 months it hasn't felt like much of a relationship at all. Prior to this we would communicate many times a day, we spent lots of time together. However now, things are much different. We only exchange a couple of messages a day, usually a 'good morning' and maybe a response to my question of 'how are you', she doesn't seem to want to engage in any kind of meaningful conversation let alone anything DDLG related. My questions often go unanswered and it feels like she just doesn't want to engage.

 

Whenever I bring this up, she explains by saying she is just too busy and that she doesn't have the time she did before, her life just isn't the same as it was. I know this is true but I also feel that things became different after she finally decided she wanted me to visit her, then because of work pressures I couldn't.

 

She says that she wants to get back to the way we were, but basically cannot say if or when that might happen. I feel like I've lost her and that feels devastating to me right now! I do love her dearly but I feel very very lonely!

 

To be honest I don't know whether there is something blindingly obvious here that I'm not seeing. Like has she just aimply moved on and doesn't want to hurt me? What do you think, is there a way back for us? Do I just have to sit and be patient? If so, how long do I give it?

 

DB

[Guest Mittens]

Well this is strange. Honestly she says she wants to get back to where you both were, this means she knows something is off and it's been clearly mentioned. So she is telling you she doesn't know what to do, or she doesn't know what is wrong. If you have truly communicated everything you feel and why you feel it, then it's the prior, if you haven't communicated then the later is an option but still not definitive. You two may of ran out of things to say, from my personal experience, when you connect with someone and you form a bond whether it was sudden or took time, you develop ways to talk to each other and you never run out of things to say, however on the flip side, you also can lose that bond when things happen. Stress, work, reassurance. Try asking her if there is something you can do. "What can I do?" "What can i do to make you happy?" ect ect. Asking questions, seeing her side of things, getting to know her mind a bit better and try to get truth out unless she speaks the truth or her mind in brutal detail. How does she feel? Does she feel uncomfortable now? Does she not know what to talk about? A couple who are together, especially for such a long period of time, will always find something to talk about unless they lose that connection. I've had friends i've grown to despise in which we still could strike up conversation for years of putting up with each other.

 

Honestly, there is something going on with you or something with her and it's breaking that bond, all you need to do is figure out what it is and where it lies, this is only done through communication. Even working together and giving each other ideas and being active in it will help your communication grow, however it can also show you where the problem lies. If she shy's away, doesn't talk, doesn't respond, becomes despondent to your suggestions and just shrugs them off, then it is with her. Her bond with you is broken and there is something holding her back from wanting to make it work. This can be lack of reassurance, this can be lack of desires fulfilled, it can be distractions in life that she is putting above you, it can even be more mental like depression that got too deep and left unchecked. Talk, and communicate, these are always the basic core rules. But, that is why you are here, you may not know what to talk to her about or communicate to her about. Well, a good guideline is "what is wrong and how do we fix it." Watch, observe, don't just hear the words she speaks, but feel them. Are they cold and distant? are they short responses? are they long intricate and kind of abrasive? All these tell you how she feels, you sitting and observing her, can tell you what is wrong and then you can figure out how to fix it. 

 

I don't know if this helps you, maybe I misunderstood something, if so, correct me. It means I can help you better and I won't take any offense to it and it won't hurt my feelings, I welcome correction. I want to help you both as much as I can.

[Daddy_Bear7]

Hey there, thanks for the considered and thoughtful reply, it's really appreciated!

 

I completely agree that it comes down to communication but increasingly I feel that she doesn't want to engage with me. Our conversations amount to two or three messages exchanged a day, I will usually try to ask her how she's feeling, what she's doing, what her plans are for the day, trying to get her to engage in some kind of meaningful conversation, but invariably my questions go unanswered and are left hanging. She may or may not come back hours later to bid me goodnight but more often than not I don't hear anything till the next day when the pattern repeats itself.

 

She insists that this is because of demands on her time and that she is trying to work her life out. I should say at this point that we are on different continents, I'm in the UK, she is in North America, we both have kids and families of our own so getting 'time away' to indulge in our alternative life has always been difficult, but her family is much younger than mine therefore I do understand that it is harder for her. As I said though, for the first 12 months it was good, sure we had times when we were more full on than others, but these past few months have been hard.

 

I'm really at a loss though, she does suffer from anxiety and possibly a little depression but if I can't connect with her I don't know how to help her.

 

DB

[wanderer]

Having been in a long distance relationship on different continents. I was stationed in S. Korea at the time and my fiance(now wife) was here in the United States. I can say that communication is very difficult. There were times I would not be able to call for a couple of weeks let alone respond within a few hours.  With the time difference the timing of communication also plays a huge part. One party is going to bed or off to work while the other is just waking up or relaxing for the evening. 

 

Offering specific advice in this situation is difficult because of a lack of communication. If she is just busy or suffering from a bout of depression, or just .... you may trying backing off slightly and just sending supportive texts. Something that does not require a lot of time or even a response but shows you love and support them and are there when they need you. Giver her a little space for a bit so she doesn't feel your relationship is another "burden" on her already busy life. I am not saying the relationship is a burden but when we really do get swamped everything that demands time can feel like a burden.

 

This is an option and may not be appropriate for your circumstance, but taking what you relayed that she communicated at face value it may be an appropriate response. As for implementation it is all in the wording. Instead of what are your plans? you say. I hope you have a wonderful and relaxing day. Mine will be (or was)....  This keeps the communication up but does not force the issue. 

[Daddy_Bear7]

I think this is really good advice, I'm definitely going to try this. The last thing I want is to feel like a burden, and currently that's exactly how it is.

 

Take the last couple of days for example, we messaged on Friday, I wished her goodnight, said I hope she had had a stress free day, she replied saying it was ok, then Saturday morning I wish her good morning, hope you slept well - notice, no questions. And I've had nothing back, at all. Now this may seem normal to some, but to go from dozens of messages a day to this is just weird to me.

 

LDRs are hard at the best off times but at the moment this is really messing with my head. But you're right, I have no option but to back off and see what happens. I do trust her to be honest with me and say if she doesn't want me to be her daddy any more and she hasn't so.... I dunno really!