Half Inspo, Half Intro (trigger warning I guess?)

[LittleBabyKitty]

There is therapy in writing and sharing in itself, so think of this expression as me letting you inside my train of thoughts, and NOT as me giving YOU advice.

 

That being futhamuckin said….

 

A summary of my mental health in three words: Anxiety Since Birth.  (ASB)

 

In MY experience from being involved with out and in-patient therapies/rehabs over the years, and having one on one therapists and group therapy sessions (and alot of other settings in between), most ideations and attempts at self-harm brought upon by early childhood anxiety commonly start to present during puberty into young adulthood.  (Google it.)

 

Personally, I can remember always having anxiety since the time I could remember having conscious thought or “becoming sentient” as a human being.  That moment in hindsight when you recall your life starting, even though you were already 2 or 3 or 4 years old.  

 

You know what I’m talking about…that first blurry memory of your grandmother carrying you, or mom feeding you…those EARLY memories that jump-started your hippocampus (the part of your brain that helps establish short-term memories into long-term ones).

 

Okay, so I’ve had anxiety since THEN, before I even knew what that word meant.  I used to come home from school often with nausea, and I would be so anxious around people (especially peers), that I would literally have to run to the bathroom to throw up.  I even thought my mother was poisoning my food at one point in my childhood, because I was constantly in a state of nausea, which I now know was severe anxiety.

 

Of course, mom took me to the doctor, and they ran every test they could, but could not find a culprit.  I guess back then when I was ages 3-13, (I’m 31 now)--so that’s 20+ years ago--”anxiety” wasn’t a thing that children were thought to suffer from.  Children were supposed to be happy and energetic and carefree, not weighted down by their own minds and negatively affected by being around people and peers.  

 

Because of that stigma two decades ago, mom would’ve never DREAMED of taking me to a therapist, nor did Dr. O recommend it, because it was just unheard of.  Mom was also a facet in our small community--she knew everyone in a 30 mile radius--and I’m sure avoiding shame was a main reason she was in denial or never thought my issues were severe enough to require a shrink.

 

Since childhood, I hated being around groups of more than 2 people due to being bullied from a very young age.  I also experienced sexual harassment, and inappropriate touching from other children (my age and older) on quite a few occasions.  It is well known that children can be very expressively sexual, but I instinctively knew those gestures toward me were very wrong.  Those experiences led me to be hyper-sexual in my thoughts, and the bullying made me standoffish and distrustful of people in general…basically I’ve been an introvert since birth, and I am a true INTJ (clinically tested).

 

I went to the doctor through employer insurance when I was 20, but that doctor was very creepy and irresponsible, and refused to refer me to a counseling resource.  I resent that doctor until this day, because I could’ve gotten the help I needed much sooner…that’s another tale…

 

I never told anyone about these things that happened to me until my first counseling session at age 24.  I figured mom would freak out, and I feared my dad would physically hurt someone defending me, and I didn’t want him to end up in jail or worse.  

 

On that vein, I had GREAT parents, overall.  They’re still married to this day, and I never got beaten up or verbally abused by either of them.  My mom came from a “Brady Bunch” type of childhood, and even though my father came from a divorced home, and was abused by his father, he vowed to break the cycle and has always been a wonderful and loving father to me and great husband to my mother.  I could not have had better parents.

 

Therapists often want to dig into my relationship with my parents to find easy answers for my mind problems (I hate saying mental issues), but are stumped until I tell them all the stuff I already mentioned about being bullied and sexually mistreated by other kids.

 

I was also a sickly child, in general, I had to visit doctors every week during a period of my life to receive special injections for Typhus fever I got when I was 5.  I wonder until this day if those injections had prolonged side effects that affected my brain chemistry as well…

 

All of these childhood events greatly contribute to the reason I am “little”.  All of those childhood events and other events in my life that I haven’t mentioned in this post are reasons why I struggle daily with ideations (I’ve had two suicide attempts, and 3 powerful ideation sessions or near attempts).  

 

That therapist I saw at 24 referred me to a psychiatrist after a year who prescribed me Remeron for my depression.  At that time, I was already take a low dose of Elavil for severe migraine diagnosed by a neurologist.  The Elavil also had antidepressive effects in low doses, but I now believe that psychiatrist failed to consult with the neurologist and failed to consider possible interactions between those two meds.  I stopped taking Remeron after a month because it made me even MORE suicidal, and it made me feel a rage I had never felt before.  It scared me.  I told my mom and she witnessed me flush them down the toilet.

 

Skipping ahead, because this post is already going long…over the years, I refused to take anymore pharmaceuticals.  My mother got breast cancer a few years ago, and I moved back home to take care of her, and I did copious amounts of research on healthy eating and natural cancer remedies.  I changed my diet in support of my mother and started taking 5-htp and lysine, and my migraines and depression greatly subsided, and mom’s cancer went away after a year and a half!

 

I told my mother, “You’re my everything, and I refuse to let you die.  That cancer diagnosis is bullshit, fuck that!  You’re gonna live.”

 

I don’t know man…I guess next time YOU feel down, be your own caregiver and tell yourself,

“You’re my everything, and I refuse to let you die.  That (depression, anxiety, bipolar, anorexic, borderline, OCD, etc) diagnosis is bullshit, fuck that!  You’re gonna live.”

 

[reindeer412]

Hi LittleBabyKitty!

 

Your story is extremely touching, and I can’t imagine how it would come off as offensive in any way. I truly have so much compassion, respect and appreciation for you. And I totally understand how writing these things out, especially on a public forum like this can be a satisfying form of therapy (it also requires bravery).

 

I think for a lot of us, as it’s been stated numerous times, our desire to be little can be traced back to some type of childhood/adolescent event or experience. In any case, it’s nothing to be ashamed of (not implying you are) and it’s a huge gift to be able to see the world in that way, cause not everyone can. Being little and having had those experiences allows for experiencing emotion on an entirely different level. That’s something desperately needed in the world and can be majorly put to good use.

 

Your post also reminds me of how behind we are and have been culturally and as a society in regards to mind problems but that’s of course a whole other story.

 

So, I praise you for being the light in your mother’s life especially in a period of hardship for her and the family, and for being your own light in your life as well. Thank you for sharing your experience with us and stay positive.

[LittleBabyKitty]

Hi LittleBabyKitty!

 

Your story is extremely touching, and I can’t imagine how it would come off as offensive in any way. I truly have so much compassion, respect and appreciation for you. And I totally understand how writing these things out, especially on a public forum like this can be a satisfying form of therapy (it also requires bravery).

 

I think for a lot of us, as it’s been stated numerous times, our desire to be little can be traced back to some type of childhood/adolescent event or experience. In any case, it’s nothing to be ashamed of (not implying you are) and it’s a huge gift to be able to see the world in that way, cause not everyone can. Being little and having had those experiences allows for experiencing emotion on an entirely different level. That’s something desperately needed in the world and can be majorly put to good use.

 

Your post also reminds me of how behind we are and have been culturally and as a society in regards to mind problems but that’s of course a whole other story.

 

So, I praise you for being the light in your mother’s life especially in a period of hardship for her and the family, and for being your own light in your life as well. Thank you for sharing your experience with us and stay positive.

Thank you for reading my words and stuffs

[Mrbully]

Wow .. littlebBykitten message me