Helping littles with issues like abandonment

[Guest ModernDDY]

Hello all, I'm new to this community and curious how other bigs and caretakers deal with littles who have issues surrounding being "left" and abandonment.

 

My experience was with my last little who's birth mother was on and off drugs for the majority of her life and essentially disappointed her repeatedly. My little at the time had nightmares, trouble sleeping and was always worried I wouldn't "come back" for her when we were apart.

 

It was hard to convince her otherwise even though we were together for quite some time. I got her counseling, but what other things can a caretaker do to support?

 

Thanks for your thoughts and input.

[Jotck8]

I don't really have any experience with this, so take my advice with a grain of salt. That being said, I've got two ideas. First, maybe you could send her texts/call her while you're apart. Let her know where you are, what you're doing, when you'll be back, etc. Second, maybe you could give her something that's important to you? Like, something she knows you wouldn't leave behind, that way you show her you won't leave her either, and she can have it with her to remind herself of that when you're apart. Again, I've never tried these, might not be helpful...

[Daisy_Kitten]

Well, in a littles perspective... My first real daddy had cheated on me, and I didn't really take that too well. And ever since then, I'm always afraid to trust in someone to stay with me, because I panic and believe they will never come back. Most people just call me clingy, but its such a deep issue that is disregarded by people who don't understand. I go so far as pushing people away from me before they decide to leave on their own. It doesn't help that my biological father is not supportive and is mean to me.

 

Trying to get over this is really hard, and I've been trying to recently. Because I know it isn't healthy, and I want to get better. The best thing to give to a little going thru this is ongoing support. If you go somewhere, make sure she knows and give a round about time you will be back. Develop a schedule of a sorts. And if you go somewhere and she/he is being bratty about it, have them watch something for you. For instance, you could give them a stuffie and say, "you see, little one, this stuffie is going to be sad when I go too. And I can't bring either of you, so would you be a good little girl and look after the stuffie until I'm back? And then we can have some play time and color (or whatever things your little likes to do)."

 

There are obviously so many more ways to get your little comfortable with the whole abandonment issue, but this is my opinion and I hope it helps!

[Guest calamitous-kitten]

As a little who deals with abandonment and trust issues myself, I can see and understand how hard it can be for both a little and their caregiver. My first Daddy really struggled to cope with my issues and didn't really know how to help me, and if I'm being honest, at the time I honestly had no idea how he could help me either. He felt that I was comparing him to people in my life that have disappointed me and ultimately caused my issues to arise, when that really wasn't the case. 

 

The most important thing is reassuring your little - even if that means doing it every day. Being reassured and reminded that someone cares about you and doesn't want to leave you can do a lot more than people realise. Communication is important in any type of relationship, but even more so when one half of that partnership has their doubts. 

 

Sitting down with your little and listening to why they feel this way can also help quite a bit, on both sides. It'll help you to realise what it actually is they're going through and it might also help your little by being able to get things off their chest. Of course this isn't something for everyone, as I know people can find it hard to talk about their feelings and hard situations they have gone through. 

 

Not sure if this will help at all but heyho.

[Guest headpats]

I've found just talking about fears and issues actually helps a lot. Not only for abandonment feelings but in general. Have her talk about it and break down just how she feels and what she's worried about, and then reassure her by explaining why that isn't going to happen. It's more of a thing if your little is prone to episodes of dramatic insecurity, it's like you're giving her a mental safety blanket to cling to and go back to when she feels scared. She'll remember not only that you care, but why she's safe from whatever bad thing she's worried about potentially happening.

[Guest Prat]

Time and consistency.

[DaddysKitten2626]

I struggle sooo much when Daddy leaves. I'm going to show him this and Maybe it will help because he's been really struggling to find ways to help

[Guest Mittens]

I personally suffer from fear of abandonment. I can honestly tell you that it is such a struggle for the person. i am not a little, I am a daddy/caregiver, and it is unbelievably difficult to deal with. For starters, you need 100% honesty. Don't.. hide... a... thing.. Even if it's bad. People who fear abandonment are willing to work through problems unless those problems are cheating, because then they will feel abandoned.

 

Second important thing. Give them constant relentless reassurance. I don't care if you have to repeat yourself 50 times a day. Always give them reassurance. I give my littles my user names and passwords to facebook accounts, game accounts, ect. So they can be reassured I wasn't cheating, talking to anyone else. They dont' have to log on, but having it there gives them comfort. Just knowing if something is off, they can check. Because if you're asleep or gone at work, and their mind finds something bad. They can flip out and by the time you get home, they are broken up with you and gone. Ghosting is VERY common for BPD people, and "control and manipulation" is very common for Co dependents. You should research both Borderline personality disorder and Codependency to see where she fits in. They click best with each other, but it usually falls apart. I lost my last little due to it, she was BPD and she knows I hate getting gifts. Well I was under stress and didn't think and after having to move from her place, I said "You dont need my address. Why, did I leave something behind?" and she said she needed a break and it's been over a month. I was blocked over everything too. She at least said one thing, most will ghost you if they don't have the reassurance they need.  But that's BPD, Codependents work different. I call under the later, but I have most of it controlled. It comes from childhood so your story matches up.

 

Thirdly You need to really just be patient. You need to combine all the previous ones, and just be patient. When they start to feel safer and less abandoned, then things won't be so much of a problem. I currently am fighting every waking second of every waking day with my little now with this. I sometimes don't get the reassurances I need, and a lot of things seem shady to me. But I need to be patient and I need to trust her. It is the hardest thing in the world, but to overcome my issues I need to. I have kept a lot silent so she doesn't know all I am fighting.  Don't have your little do this for the love of god... XD Have her be honest and take it all, every last bit of it.  It truly helps and creates a stronger bond.

[Oldwolf]

My wife/little struggled with this. She always worried something would happen to me and I just would never make it home, regardless of how fairly easily it is to identify a corpse these days.

 

I took to wearing dog tags that I got off of amazon. Has my name and social security number and blood type. I figured if it was good enough to get soldiers back, it would work for anything I would encounter.

 

They make her feel very reassured.

[Guest Stinkin'ol'Fred]

I personally suffer from fear of abandonment. I can honestly tell you that it is such a struggle for the person. i am not a little, I am a daddy/caregiver, and it is unbelievably difficult to deal with. For starters, you need 100% honesty. Don't.. hide... a... thing.. Even if it's bad. People who fear abandonment are willing to work through problems unless those problems are cheating, because then they will feel abandoned.

 

Second important thing. Give them constant relentless reassurance. I don't care if you have to repeat yourself 50 times a day. Always give them reassurance. I give my littles my user names and passwords to facebook accounts, game accounts, ect. So they can be reassured I wasn't cheating, talking to anyone else. They dont' have to log on, but having it there gives them comfort. Just knowing if something is off, they can check. Because if you're asleep or gone at work, and their mind finds something bad. They can flip out and by the time you get home, they are broken up with you and gone. Ghosting is VERY common for BPD people, and "control and manipulation" is very common for Co dependents. You should research both Borderline personality disorder and Codependency to see where she fits in. They click best with each other, but it usually falls apart. I lost my last little due to it, she was BPD and she knows I hate getting gifts. Well I was under stress and didn't think and after having to move from her place, I said "You dont need my address. Why, did I leave something behind?" and she said she needed a break and it's been over a month. I was blocked over everything too. She at least said one thing, most will ghost you if they don't have the reassurance they need.  But that's BPD, Codependents work different. I call under the later, but I have most of it controlled. It comes from childhood so your story matches up.

 

Thirdly You need to really just be patient. You need to combine all the previous ones, and just be patient. When they start to feel safer and less abandoned, then things won't be so much of a problem. I currently am fighting every waking second of every waking day with my little now with this. I sometimes don't get the reassurances I need, and a lot of things seem shady to me. But I need to be patient and I need to trust her. It is the hardest thing in the world, but to overcome my issues I need to. I have kept a lot silent so she doesn't know all I am fighting.  Don't have your little do this for the love of god... XD Have her be honest and take it all, every last bit of it.  It truly helps and creates a stronger bond.

I wish my ex Daddy had of been this patient with me. He told me he loved me the first day heet me. It was sweet but it was a big red flag and threw me for a loop. I haven'tt been diagnosed yet with anything but bi polar codependent sounds right up my alley. He talked me into trusting himm. And I did. He gave me reassuring at first then I got to be too much for him and he no longer was the caring in love fast paced Daddy I met anymore. He told me he didn't know if I was bipolar or what but he didn't care. That hurt bad. He cared when he wanted sexual things, now he's just gone like everyone else

[Guest Mittens]

I wish my ex Daddy had of been this patient with me. He told me he loved me the first day heet me. It was sweet but it was a big red flag and threw me for a loop. I haven'tt been diagnosed yet with anything but bi polar codependent sounds right up my alley. He talked me into trusting himm. And I did. He gave me reassuring at first then I got to be too much for him and he no longer was the caring in love fast paced Daddy I met anymore. He told me he didn't know if I was bipolar or what but he didn't care. That hurt bad. He cared when he wanted sexual things, now he's just gone like everyone else

 

I know that feeling. Nothing is ever too much for me and I can jump into a relationship and it can progress quickly. But, that's because of how I know the person, their kind and loving hearts. My ex and I were perfect for each other, but she ghosted me because she is BPD and got scared she would be abandoned and left me. I don't' hate her. I put up with all her problems I put up with her mental issues, and i was patient and loving. But that's because I understand, I know it's not her fault for her problems, i know it wasn't her fault she has these fears and anxieties, she doesn't want them you don't want them. We don't choose them, but to be chastised for them, is being punished for something not our faults, which is something that bothers me. I HATE being punished for something not my fault, I would never do it to anyone else. My love doesn't stop, I don't plateau or drop off. My feelings only grow stronger. That's my fault. I grow deeper in love, I get consumed, I get more needy more clingy more possessive. And everyone runs. I don't cheat, i don't look at others. I don't check other girls out, i don't look at porn, i am willing to drop everyone I know for someone if they are scared or worried or don't like ow they talk to me. But it's me.. my needy clingy and possessive side.. People can't deal with it, and i fear it in my current relationship, but i have been managing it and not telling my S/O about most of my wants or woes. It has been good so far..

[Guest Stinkin'ol'Fred]

I know that feeling. Nothing is ever too much for me and I can jump into a relationship and it can progress quickly. But, that's because of how I know the person, their kind and loving hearts. My ex and I were perfect for each other, but she ghosted me because she is BPD and got scared she would be abandoned and left me. I don't' hate her. I put up with all her problems I put up with her mental issues, and i was patient and loving. But that's because I understand, I know it's not her fault for her problems, i know it wasn't her fault she has these fears and anxieties, she doesn't want them you don't want them. We don't choose them, but to be chastised for them, is being punished for something not our faults, which is something that bothers me. I HATE being punished for something not my fault, I would never do it to anyone else. My love doesn't stop, I don't plateau or drop off. My feelings only grow stronger. That's my fault. I grow deeper in love, I get consumed, I get more needy more clingy more possessive. And everyone runs. I don't cheat, i don't look at others. I don't check other girls out, i don't look at porn, i am willing to drop everyone I know for someone if they are scared or worried or don't like ow they talk to me. But it's me.. my needy clingy and possessive side.. People can't deal with it, and i fear it in my current relationship, but i have been managing it and not telling my S/O about most of my wants or woes. It has been good so far..

I feel like I was reading about myself

[Guest Mittens]

I feel like I was reading about myself

It is a hard thing to deal with isn't it? For me, I feel alone, sure there are some who are like me, but never ever at the level I am.. And it always keeps going until someone doesn't like it and leaves, even when i have more love to give..  It will be ok though I will learn to manage, you will find someone, and the world will be right some day =D