Feeling neglected :(

[Guest BabyG]

I've had a string of really negative events happen over the past few days, I ran into my past abuser, had a lot of hormonal trouble, I've had a very sick relative and my dad (I live at my parents temporarily) having a breakdown and being really violent. I've been in tears constantly and just want some kind of reassurance, all I want is to feel safe.

 

Normally my Daddy is really attentive daily and is always so sweet. I turned to my Daddy when all this was happening but it feels like when I need him most he's just not there. When we've spoken whilst I'm upset he's felt distant, almost disinterested. Always too busy, even blanking me at times. I want to express that I'm disappointed but I don't know how and I know he'll beat himself up about it, I don't want him to feel bad too.  But at the moment he's pushing his baby girl away

 

I  really fucking love him and feel so lost without him but I don't know if I can deal with this kind of inconsistency.

Any advice?

[Guest Mr.Stuffykins]

In this case just be upfront and direct. You have to tell him exactly what you told us "i want to express that im disappointed..hes pushing his baby girl away". This should be like a wake up call that he needs to step it up. If he beats himself up about it then good! You cant just hold this in because of how itll make him feel. YOU'RE the priority and YOU need HIM to reassure you. If he isnt doing that then you have to make him realize that his inability to comfort you, when you need him most, is causing a rift in the relationship.

[Guest BabyG]

In this case just be upfront and direct. You have to tell him exactly what you told us "i want to express that im disappointed..hes pushing his baby girl away". This should be like a wake up call that he needs to step it up. If he beats himself up about it then good! You cant just hold this in because of how itll make him feel. YOU'RE the priority and YOU need HIM to reassure you. If he isnt doing that then you have to make him realize that his inability to comfort you, when you need him most, is causing a rift in the relationship.

 

Thank you! I just get really scared bringing this up and I don't know why

 

There's a little part of me questioning if I'm just being really selfish? I know he's a busy daddy and has lots going on, I don't expect him to be like superman or to read my mind hence why I express when I'm upset. Maybe I'm being too negative and annoying?  I always always try to be there for him and support him as much as I can when he needs me  

[Antoinette]

Perhaps there may also be things going on in his life. It doesn't necessarily excuse this but I'm just adding to it, he could be going through a rough time right now and perhaps doesn't feel as though he can talk about it. I find this to be a running theme with caregivers, they like to call littles stubborn but deep down they're the stubborn ones. They're generally afraid to feel like the weaker one in the relationship, so tend not to talk about emotional issues that they're having.

 

But what I will say is you need to be upfront about it. You need to tell him that this is a time where you need him the most and the attitude he's currently showing is just pushing you away. He should be offering endless amounts of love and support, and definitely not finding you annoying. Negative things happen in everybody's lives - we all need people to be there for us from time to time, and well... If he wants the positive you he has to also take the negative you. Gotta have the yin with the yang and all that, find a balance and whatnotttt. 

 

Just speak, man. That's really what it comes down to.

[DaddyStevie]

Hi BabyG,

I once attended a training course at work for relationship building and learnt something really valuable.

Relationships are like a bank account, ideally you make a deposit with the other person, you make deposit after deposit in the form of being nice or doing something for them and being there when they need you. Then, when you really need someone to be there for you, you make an emotional withdrawal it's ok cos you're in credit with that person, you've been there enough times for them. So, if you've always been there for your daddy, you should be in his credit enough that you can make that emotional withdrawal for a change.

Unfortunately many people don't get or have this balance in their relationship at times so I'd say it does need addressing. Relationships should be fair, in my opinion

Hope this makes sense

[Guest Mr.Stuffykins]

Thank you! I just get really scared bringing this up and I don't know why

 

There's a little part of me questioning if I'm just being really selfish? I know he's a busy daddy and has lots going on, I don't expect him to be like superman or to read my mind hence why I express when I'm upset. Maybe I'm being too negative and annoying?  I always always try to be there for him and support him as much as I can when he needs me

 

Its natural to feel a little fear because you dont know what his reaction might be. You're afraid of what will happen - will the situation get better ? Worse? The unknown is always scary.

 

You shouldnt consider yourself annoying ! Your feelings are of utmost importance and you should not question the validity of them.

 

Now that i understand the situation better then i think there needs to be a level of compromise between the two. We understand that hes busy , but we can not allow this to shadow your feelings. He needs to make an effort to comfort you regardless of how busy he is. He HAS to at least try and can not act so uninterested. His lack of motivation can not be justified simply because hes busy. We're all busy and if he chose to have a little then he must accept the responsibility.

With that being said - if you are constantly seeking him for reassurance then perhaps wait for the appropriate to tell him. BUT only if you see effort on his end. Because if you seem him genuinely trying to be better than thats when you can ease up so that he doesnt feel overwhelmed.

[Nymph]

I am sorry you are going through such hard times babyG, I hope things start getting better *hugs*

 

Sometimes guys are not good with dealing with a very emotional stressed little, we can be pretty intense. Of course the time to find out he might not be good at this is quite horrible! however do keep it in mind perhaps he DOES care, he just doesn't know how to help you.

 

Did you guys had the chance to talk about what to do when you are feeling sad/anxious before it you ended up in this situation? have you guys been together for a while?

 

For all is worth, remember you are not alone :3

[Punkyprincess86]

I feel your pain. I've been in a very similar boat. I've been dealing with a lot of stress,i.e. taking care of my slowly dying grandmother to help relieve some stress on my mom, I've been working a lot, just applied for a different position in my work to move up, dealing with hormonal issues (pcos and other reproductive problems) and on top of that I don't really have any one to talk to. My Daddy has been very aloof and not present. He hardly talks to me and it feels like it's only when it's convenient for me. It wouldn't be do bad if I didn't suffer from clinical depression/ bipolar 2 disorder. It's been so bad it's totally kept me out of little space. If you need some one to talk to hit me up. I find talking to some one helps.

[missym]

Sorry to hear about everything your going through at the moment, sounds terrible.  The one person you should be able to rely on and look to for help should be your daddy.  You certainly shouldn't have to deal with these issues with your daddy on top of everything else you've got going on.

 

If your daddy can't offer the support you need in the short term I'd suggest finding a friend or relative you can talk to but in the medium to long term consider if this guy is worthy of carrying on as your daddy into the future, because from what you describe atm he isn't.

 

Anyhow that's just how I see the situation, not professing to be an expert but would like to help if possible.