He broke my heart, but I forgave him

[Sleepless]

So there's really too much to this story to describe it in detail, but I am going to try and explain the gist of my situation.

 

Last summer about this time, my daddy cheated on me and left me for the other woman. I became depressed and almost didn't make it through, but with the help of my mom and some friends I was able to almost completely move on from him. I deleted him from everything and told him I'd only be his friend if he was no longer in a relationship with this woman. He ended up realizing what he had done was a mistake and asked to be my friend again and after many long conversations with him I finally agreed that we could be friends again. We spent two weeks as just friends before I started to cave and decide that I wanted to be more than just friends with him. By this time, at my insistence he had told me every single detail of his relationship with the other woman. I needed to know what had happened between them. I learned that she was using him for his money, that him being the awkward virgin he was the most he had done with her was kiss. Knowing they hadn't done more than kiss somehow made it easier for me to be more comfortable with forgiving him and jumping back into a relationship with him.

 

Flash foreword to last night, we were driving to the movies when he told me that him and that girl had seen each other naked and done things, not sex, but things. He lied to me last summer when he told me all they had done was kiss. Now I can't get the image of them naked and doing things together out of my head and it's killing me. I'm obsessing over it, that's just what I do about these sorts of things, and I don't know how to stop. It's breaking my heart all over again and I honestly feel like maybe I'm in the wrong for being so upset over this. Like I should have healed and moved on from this by now, it shouldn't be able to hurt me like this. Please don't tell me to leave him, I can't do that. He hurt me in the past but he has honestly been amazing since and legitimately think he was just going through a thing back when he hurt me. I guess I just needed someone to talk to besides him about all of this. I know it's all scramble-y and ramble-y but that's how my thoughts are right now and there's just so much to my situation that it's too much to put into one single post.

[Spooky]

For me personally, so many violations of trust would be a deal breaker. I wouldn't know how to move on and trust someone after repeated and serious violations of trust. 

I am really sorry that happened to you, it seems so cruel and unfair. 

The only thing that could possibly help you is time and more time. 

I wish you the best of luck

[Guest Bunnyblossom]

People do sex stuff. Sometimes you don't wanna tell someone about it, it's a private thing between the people actually involved in it.

But sure, he maybe should've told you.

I'm guessing he likes you a lot though and was caught up in the moment, feeling that if he was completely honest maybe you wouldn't be interested in him. 

That said- why would he cheat on you in the first place? Because that counteracts the 'caring about you' thing. 

 

My Daddy and I have been together for 5.5yrs, known each other for about 7yrs-- 

Last year he told me about a sex thing he did before we knew each other, that I was kinda shocked about lol 

But it was like "I've asked him these questions before, why didn't he admit to it back then?"

It's just people and sex. 

 

Basically you can try to suck it up and be okay with it, continue your relationship knowing that you might get hurt emotionally again.

Maybe it's worth it to you for whatever you get out of it:

Whether it's his company, he makes you laugh, you get along really well as friends, you don't feel so alone- whatever it is. 

 

Or you can think really hard about how all of this feels, give it a week or something, and decide maybe it's not worth the nagging paranoia at the back of your mind and it's time to find somebody else. 

[Ink]

Okay so upfront - I wouldn't ever be able to trust him again. Your choice, it sounds like you really want this to work. So lets discuss that option.

 

In order for you to enjoy the relationship completely and not worry about this, you need to know that he has no more lies. Nothing remains unsaid, nothing hidden, and you need to know that he wont lie again. This will mean talking to him, telling him how much it is eating you inside and honestly, there needs to be serious consequences for him if he does lie again. About anything.

 

A relationship councilor once told me that there are people out there who give and give and give in hope that they will one day receive back what they feel they deserve. The problem is, once people work out that they can take from you without reciprocation then they wont bother. It's not necessarily a conscious decision they've made, but it happens regardless. The problem you risk with returning to him after he's lied so many times is becoming this 'doormat' (as the councilor described it) where you just get walked all over. At some point you have to stand up for yourself and say you deserve better, and honestly that means being able to leave.

 

Talk to him about everything. Know the truth. And if you can't, leave.

[PartyAnimal]

You were hurt in the past.  You healed from it and the two of you decided to try again.  That is a choice two adults made.  I respect that as it is totally in both of your rights to do so.  You stated, "It's breaking my heart all over again and I honestly feel like maybe I'm in the wrong for being so upset over this. Like I should have healed and moved on from this by now, it shouldn't be able to hurt me like this."  You are not wrong for being upset over this.  You can't have "healed and moved on from this by now" because this is not the same hurt as the original hurt.  These new revelations are a new hurt.  I am not suggesting that you cannot move beyond them, but I am saying that you need to give yourself time to process and decide what you wish to do with these new hurts.  If he is truly amazing for you now, that should be a factor going forward in your decision making process.  

 

I'm not sure I have given you any new information, but I hope I have possibly given you some clarity when it comes to processing the information you already had. Whatever decisions you make for yourself, and whatever decisions you make as a couple, I truly wish you both the very best.

[plumflower]

Baby girl, first *hugs tightly*  Secondly, I wish that you didn't have to go through this. It's not easy. I can't even imagine how hurt I would be if my Daddy did any of that to me Honestly, it hurts to even think about my Daddy with his former slave and every now and then I still slip into thoughts of her and I feel so inadequate though I don't know her. The truth is, your Daddy broke so many promises and hurt you bad. If she was from before you, then I say it's worth trying to give him a chance despite the pain. But she happened when you two were together and though he realized that it was a mistake. I think he's lying to you now. once the trust is broken, it's hard to get it back. Why couldn't he enjoy those sexual things with you?

 

Whatever, you choose though be firm about it. Don't be wishy washy; that will put you in more pain. If you cannot leave your Daddy then as a little to another, forget about what he did with her. NONE of that matters anymore. What matters is forgiving and moving on together. YOU are his world now and his SOLE focus. Tell you're Daddy you don't want to talk about her because she's not relevant to what you guys are all about. That I think it the first step to healing. The other is no more secrets, he shares his phone, emails, pictures on the comp. You have access to it all and in return he has access to yours. He checks in with you on time and regularly and vice versa. Rebuild the truth, rekindle the intimacy.

 

If anything, I'm here  if you need a little to talk to.

[Guest hearfeltdaddy]

I originally posted my very first time on this forum while in the opposite situation as yours.

 

My little had cheated on me, I healed and took her back only to have her cheat and hide things again.

 

I don't normally post, but I know your pain all too well.

 

Honestly, people tend to hide things about their sex lives even if they're close with someone. So, I can't say his intent was to hide it from you as it might have been subconscious.

 

I know you said not to tell you to leave him and I'm not going to say that is what you should do, but you need to think about the issues at hand.

1. You know he has cheated before.

2. You're scared he'll cheat again.

3. You're being eaten up emotionally in a relationship you should be happy in.

 

While I know you're probably "happy," you're still being emotionally drained on an unhealthy level. I personally would try to get some time to myself and sort things out.

If you truly feel that you can cope with what has happened and move beyond the issues above, then stay with him if you feel the risk is worth it.

If you cannot cope and move beyond those issues, you're not in a relationship that is suitable for you or him. 

 

After my first roundabout, I'm pretty unforgiving when it comes to cheating. I just hope things work out better for you.