Caregiver Confessions

[Ink]

I'm a very self-reflective person and often look back on my behavior seeking self-improvement. I've found it a very useful skill to have in life and often it is through some of my biggest failures that I learn the hardest and most important lessons.

 

I wonder if by sharing some of our biggest failures as caregivers as well as what we've learned from those failures we might be able to encourage more people to critically assess themselves and possibly even save each other the trouble of learning those same lessons the hard way.

 

I'll start and if you feel you have a story to contribute or a new perspective on someones story please jump in! Please do keep it positive though, this is intended to be a safe thread to learn and reflect, not to judge.

 

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Background: I absolutely hate being misunderstood and I'll go to great lengths to ensure my intentions are clearly conveyed. I believe it stems from a number of really hard decisions I've had to make over the years that have seen me leave behind some long-term IRL friends. My thought process at the time boiled down to: if someone considers you a good friend and they heard something about you that contradicted the person that they know you to be, then as a good friend they owe it to you to seek the full story from you before casting judgement.

 

This is a very "black and white" way of looking at the world and is not for everyone, but understand that it really has impacted how I communicate. I'd say its highly likely why this post is so long (all of mine actually). Life has repeatedly told me that despite my intentions you often only get a single chance to explain yourself and so you'd better do a damn thorough job of it!

 

Story: So keeping that in mind, my biggest failure as a caregiver came out of nowhere. Little had mentioned to me that she had something going on medically. Spoiler: I'm not going to get into what it was, that's not the point. She told me not to worry and that she would be alright, but didn't want to discuss it. For a long time I respected this and I made it clear to her that I would of course respect her decision, but requested she let me know if it really was something I needed to know about.

 

One afternoon whilst texting furiously as we often do, I misinterpreted her words - in what was a very casual manner - to suggest that she wanted to undergo some rather drastic plastic surgery and that this was the mysterious medical condition. I panicked, called her from work and as I explained to her that she was gorgeous and perfect and please-dont-change-anything-for-the-love-of-everything-beautiful-in-the-world... and naturally her response was "Wha? What are you talking about??" And then I put my foot in it. I blurted out the most uncharacteristic thing I've ever said. I don't make demands. That just isn't me. But this time I demanded "Okay, you need to tell me right now what is going on!!". Needless to say I was promptly hung up on and rightly so, but only after she had told me what it was. I'd forced my Little whom I trust and respect to do something she'd been honest with me about not wanting to do.

 

My Lesson: Naturally I beat myself up about it for a long while, but reflecting on it now is the luxury that time provides. In retrospect, I didn't have my anxiety under nearly as much control as I should have. Though I told her I trusted her, my own anxiety was causing fractures in that trust and she didn't deserve that.

 

My Response: Dealing with anxiety is rough. If unchecked it would in time destroy the relationship. I needed to make it my first priority because how could I be the best caregiver I could be if part of me was destroying the thing that I loved most? And so I did. I did whatever was necessary to ensure that my anxiety would not go unchecked. I explained my anxiety to her as well - not to dismiss blame because I did need to take responsibility for my actions - but so that she would understand how it happened and what I was doing to fix it.

 

That was perhaps 4 months ago. We are 7 months in, I'm happier than I've ever been, and I finally get to have her in my arms next month. We've long-term plans to live together and are working towards them each day. Life is wonderful.

 

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Keen to hear if anyone else has another perspective or their own story to tell

Edited June 20, 2017 by Ink

[Strongbad456]

As I have only just begun life as a caregiver, I don't have any stories yet, but I thought you should know that based on your words, you reacted exactly as I would expect a parent to.

[StefanC71_UK]

While not as drastic as yours,I also try to make sure when I type messages that I'm clear in what I'm saying.

 

On one occasion, I was asked my opinions on something very personal to her. It required quite an explanation on my part. So I'm typing war and peace, without thinking about how long it was taking.

 

Naturally, she panicked. I got a few messages one after the other asking where I was and had she upset me with her question.

 

The lesson learned, if I need to type a lengthier message to ensure I get everything across as clearly as I can, send 1 precursor message saying that that's what I'm doing and not to panic.

[Guest Princessaj]

OMG!!!! I must be the really odd exception, but I never text or email anything of importance.

 

I have to be talking to someone so that they can hear my voice inflection, emotion and energy and I have to have the same from them. Most of all, the timing of how things are said can only be done vocally as it appears you found out.  It is so majorly important to me as I have had so many bad experiences of this kind that could have been completely avoided.

 

I highly recommend that you slow down in every way, make talking dates/appointments. This improves the quality of the communication when you are organized, settled in a quiet space where you can have an even focused exchange.

 

Ok, I am going to take my middle self out of your section and go play with my stuffies. Hugs 

Edited June 21, 2017 by Princessaj

[Guest Mister Tim]

I'm also a still rather inexperienced caregiver but there have already been some misunderstandings due to text messages. I'm not very comfortable with talking on the phone but I had my first call with my princess yesterday and we talked for more than an hour and I'm glad that I did it. I have to agree to Princessaj's opinion that talking is a better way to communicate but writing is also a possible way that is if you are willing to send hand written letters.