Dating a Dom, not a Daddy...

[LilyoftheDesert]

Hi, everyone!

 

I'm sorta-ish new to bdsm, and I have little qualities (I think) but I'm not sure I am one... This is probably a weird question, but how do I tone that side of me down? Or keep it to myself? My bf is a dom and I love him a  lot, but I get the feeling he's not really into that scene...

 

It's kinda a difficult situation because I don't know that I can or want to totally change myself, but I don't want to make him change either or make him participate in things he's not into... is there a better solution somewhere in between maybe? Or should I set aside some "little time" just for myself or something?

 

It especially sucks sometimes because I want him to baby me... but I don't think he knows how to deal with that side of me very well so sometimes he just gets... kinda angry? Idk. Like I said, I love him, and I don't want to compromise our relationship, but how can I find a way of making both of us happier?

 

It feels like such a relief to have found somewhere to finally voice all these thoughts... thank you for listening and for any responses you share ^^ 

[Lil' Miss Dolly]

"I get the feeling he's not really into that scene...." this tells me there is some communicating to be done. Never, Ever keep such things to yourself in any relationship - Its important that you are both 110% open with what you want/need. A good dom will take what your desires/wants/needs into consideration in all things - He may surprise you and be open or even into the DDlg aspect but you won't know for sure until you guys sit down and talk. Never keep secrets from your dom.. Ever ever ever.. Bad JuJu. All successful d/s dynamics are built on trust and communication. 

[Guest Sweetkittenbj]

Right off the bat, I'd say if you have to tone this side down, or keep it to yourself, he's not the one for you. Neither one of you should have to change or do things you don't want. IMO that's not healthy & only causes more problems down the road.

 

Communication is key here. The two of you need to have a serious talk. It probably won't be short or without tears, but that's what I would do.

[cuppycakes]

I agree with the above responses, you should definitely talk to him about this! If you want, you can even tell him that you don't want or need him to be your daddy; however, this is a part of your personality and you shouldn't have to keep a part of you to yourself. He should be able to listen to you with an open mind and take your feelings into consideration.

 

but I don't think he knows how to deal with that side of me very well so sometimes he just gets... kinda angry? 

This quote from your post sort of concerns me a little. Maybe it's just me, I'm really sensitive to anger; but something doesn't feel right that he gets angry with you when you're in littlespace. I, of course, don't know the whole story, but if my SO got upset when I was feeling little, it would really hurt. ( •́ ∧ •̀ ) Maybe it doesn't bother you, but just be sure to keep an eye on it at least. I personally wouldn't want a dom that would get angry with me over something like that. Again, just keep an eye on it.

 

 

This is probably a weird question, but how do I tone that side of me down? Or keep it to myself?

 

Sorry you probably aren't getting any of the answers you want, but I feel like sometimes the answers we want aren't always the answers we need. Really, I would tell him a couple of things:

1. make sure he knows when you begin the conversation, that you're talking to him as his partner, not his sub.

2. tell him you're into ddlg.

3. ask him if he would be interested in taking part in it.

 

ddlg isn't for everybody, but many with open minds try it and actually find that they enjoy it! THIS sfw forum post talks about how people on this forum discovered ddlg, and many of them had the lifestyle introduced to them by a partner! You never know if you don't like something unless you try. Good luck!

[Bunniegural]

i was in a very similar situation tbh., when i met Uram He was my first Dom and i have discovered so much about myself since i met Him. i had a lot of questions about what it meant to be D/s and what i've learned from Him is that a true Dom earns His partner's submission by being trustworthy, caring, and nurturing. The more a Dom is willing to support their partner, the more His partner can hand themself over to Him. In other words, it's not all sexy fun time. It also involves a lot of emotional labour that is not optional and an integral part of being a Dom.

 

As a sub, you've got to hand yourself over and open yourself up to your Dom. Give Him the opportunity to prove Himself, get to know you to the core. That takes work on your part, thinking through what the obstacles are to you sharing your innermost thoughts. Probably, He hasn't done anything to lose your trust, but i'm sure you've had other experiences that have reinforced the message that you should hold people at an arm's length and not share too much.

 

If you share your thoughts and He isnt into DDlg, trust that He will be honest with you about that. If He is a good Dom, He will know how's ridiculous it is to kinkshame or judge you. My Uram isn't comfortable yet with me calling Him 'daddy', but He knows i think of Him as my Daddy, and he wants to work toward being able to be called Daddy. He also knows that when i act little or do little things or talk to other littles, it deepens my submission and it comforts me when i am stressed. He's gotten me pacifiers and jammies and has encouraged me to little out at kink events, so it is definitely growing on Him. i think you will find your experiences are similar. My advice is to give Him a chance! Let Him decide if it is right for Him instead of takin get that opportunity away. Be vulnerable <3!

[LilyoftheDesert]

Thank you guys. I guess I've known for a while that we need to have this discussion, but it can be hard to sometimes make yourself so vulnerable. I need to work on giving myself over to him more and trusting him better, especially in this lifestyle ^^ 

 

Thank you for giving me some courage <3