Death of a family member

[little_melody]

Hey guys, 
my father passed away on the 29th of may .. this is the first real loss of a family member I've experienced and I just feel so lost and confused. I am a med student so uni is super full on and about to go into exams.. My daddy is away for another month with work too.. If you could please share your stories of losing a family member and how you dealt with it, I think it would really help me. I will share my fathers story below:
In April last year he had a seizure, and when he went to hospital they found a tumor in his brain. They then found a tumor in his lung & a second tumor in his brain. He received chemotherapy for his lung tumor, surgery and radiation on his brain tumor. Unfortunately, this was terminal from the beginning. He eventually became paralyzed in his left side, stopped being able to walk, became delusional, couldn't swallow and eventually passed away a year and 1 month after his diagnosis. It was horrible watching him suffer for so long and also horrible knowing he is gone forever. 
If you would like to share your story, please do, I think talking about these things is healthy and it makes it easier since we are all basically strangers xx 

[Frog]

My father died ten years ago. One thing I feel I need to brace you for: The first year may be the hardest. Everything will be the first time without him.

 

My father and I had our ups and downs. I had years when I didn't even like him. But I had to realize he was brought up in a different time and with different morals. I had to come to terms that he and I would never see eye to eye on our past.

 

When he died, it hit me harder than I thought it would. I was there when he died from a cerebral hemorrhage. We already knew his wishes regarding this, so we didn't struggle with discontinuing support. My brother and I had to be the strong ones and handle the majority of the final parts. We had to postpone our mourning so the family could get through it. He had already made us promise which of his military medals we'd never display or let him be buried with if we decided on a national cemetery. We decided on cremation, which he knew was an option.

 

We let them take his skin for a burn center and his long bones. We donated his pacemaker and hearing aids. A friend's son performed color guard (he had just left the Navy, and my dad was Army combat vet). An elderly friend of mine, a retired Sergeant First Class, bought us a display case for the flag.

 

Sometimes I miss the Old Man (I called him that often). Yeah, I hated him more often than a son should, but I never made an issue the couple times I saw him cry. I knew he wanted it that way.

 

My brother and I honor him every year on his birthday with a Budweiser. It is one of the shittiest beers you can ever have. But it was his beer, and he'd sneak us a bit when we were way too young.

 

Too bad I drive like him! He was also a NYC cabbie. Being in the South, I'm often the "crazy driver."

 

All I can say is just feel what comes. Tiny things will pop into your head at odd times. One day you'll tell a funny story about him and almost wet yourself. It doesn't mean you don't miss him. Just means you're human.

[little_melody]

Thank you so much for your reply Frog. This has made me feel a little better, similarly to your relationship with your dad there were often times when we'd clash and where I felt I didn't like him. He also had a taste for gross alcohol haha. <3

[Guest Panda.Princess]

Hi Lilack,

 

My dad will have been gone for 2 years this end of June. It was a complete and sudden death. He was in fine health and his heart just stopped. I have two older brothers that I don't talk to, and I knew when I received a call from one of them that something had happened.

 

It was a stressful two hours as I waited for a phone call to hear if the doctors could figure out what was wrong and if they could get my dad to stabilize. He lived in Nebraska, I am in St Louis so I couldn't just go and wait at the hospital. When I got the call that he was officially dead (also my first real death in the family) I remember feeling numb.

 

I grew up hardly ever seeing my dad, but when I became an adult I finally had started getting to know him. I still don't feel like I ever really "knew" him because it happened right when we were finally growing close. Of all the people in my family, he was the one that was always there no matter what mistakes I made he was there for support.

 

The weeks after he died were even worse. My brothers told me not to come to Nebraska to help clean up my dads apartment and finalize his last details. I didn't get a say in anything that occurred. Nor did I get to have any of his possessions. (But you can be sure I was expected to help pay for his burial and stuff). I didn't even get a chance to grieve because I was being blindsided left and right by my shitty brothers.

 

Once I had accepted my situation with my siblings, I completely detached from my emotions and from people around me. (This is apparently normal for INFJs like myself). I stopped connecting to people.

 

About 6 months after my dad passed is when I finally felt the grief hit. When it hits, it feels like someone is stabbing my heart with a dull knife. It hurts. Badly.

 

I don't grieve as often anymore finally, but it does hit occasionally. Usually at night.

 

Just know that when people says time heals, it actually does as long as you work through your emotions and let yourself grieve. I've gone through two deaths close to me since my dad died and one of them I've just finally started healing from.

[WiddleBat]

I lost my father recently as well, in January. It was very sudden, no one really expected it. I can't offer a lot of advice, as this is my first real close loss as well, but what I can offer is solidarity. This is a difficult process, and as sad as it is for us to have experienced it, I think it'll help to know we're not alone in our struggles. My messages are always open to you, or anyone else who wants to talk about it <3