Tayiie's Blog

[tayiie]

This will be my personal blog. Since there isn't a blogging option I thought I would just make a blog post about it instead (as someone suggested I would).

 

I wanted to make a blog here because I have no other place to really vent on my feelings. I don't want to make a new post every time about every little thing. And sometimes it just doesn't fit the forum topics in my opinion.

 

I have tumblr but I honestly hate everything about it. I have a "real blog" but I don't want to put out my ddlg side out there. And I'm also online here more often than I am online on any other place.

 

So here I will make my blog posts when there is something I need to get off my chest.

[Guest LordEmtheDinosaur!]

You can use wordpress or blogger if you want, make a separate new blog only about dd/lg if you want.

[tayiie]

You can use wordpress or blogger if you want, make a separate new blog only about dd/lg if you want.

there is a time and place for everything. But not here and not now.

[tayiie]

I wish he knew how much I miss him

 

Lately I've been thinking more and more of the relationship I had with a guy named Cody. I can't say he was perfect, no one is, but damn was he close to it! At least for my taste. My thoughts has always been spinning around in my head, but after reading a post on this forum where someone asked what the sweetest thing your daddy has ever done for you was, this triggered my memory some more. I started remembering all the nice things he did for me when we were together.

We were a LDR and lasted for nearly two whole years, I have never had any relationship lasted that long. Not IRL or LDR. Which just makes me even more upset that we "took a break" and it all ended. But we broke up about two years ago. We are still friends and he has a new girl friend so I will just have to live with the fact that he and I will never become a thing. Also, I am not the same little I used to be, I have changed a lot these last two years. 

Why was he so special? Not only was he my first daddy ever. But he did all those little things that just made me smile. He always knew how to bring a smile to my face. We talked on skype, despite the time difference we still managed to get at least 4 whole hours every day. It was dedication from both sides. 

I remember those long calls we used to have, they could last for hours sometimes. What we talked about could be whatever, he loved to ramble and I just loved hearing his voice and listen to what was happening in his life. Some days we wouldn't even talk, he would be playing on his Xbox and I would be in my end drawing or playing my games, or in some rare situations, study.

He helped me study, even if I was a whiny little brat he always got me to study. I can not understand how someone could have so much patience with me.

I was a brat when we first met, but together we found a very effective way of punishing me, today I am less bratty but I still have it in me. I thank him for the lessons he gave me.

I remember how I once played with a laser pen, he had told me several times to put it away. Now, I am some times not the brightest crayon in the box, so I was playing with it, pointing it into my eyes. When he noticed what I was doing, he snapped. I had never seen him that angry with me. I thought I truly had crossed the line. He scolded me so hard, he even cried some. All that because he was so scared I could had injured myself. He even made me cry, the one and only time he ever made me cry. And afterwards, he made me feel loved. No guy has ever been able to do that. 

I remember all the long nights where he would tell me stories, he made them up straight out of the blue sometimes. Sometimes I gave him names and a character or two and he began straight away to tell the story. He would tell stories until I passed out.

I remember one night, I couldn't sleep. I don't remember why, I think I have had a rough day at school which sometimes made me feel so sad I couldn't sleep for the whole night. But then that night he told me I should watch some cartoons. Now I didn't have any cartoon channels because they stop showing them after a specific time. So he told me I could watch on his TV. And he went through so much trouble so I could watch it. He put the laptop on his bed, then he put it on pillows. Adjusted the screen. All so I could get the view in a good height. Then, because of my hearing disability and that english isn't my first language. He put on english subtitles so that I could watch without difficulty. Watching his TV became a thing for us later on. If he had something to do like the dishes, make an important phone call or even go for a quick grocery shopping. He would put me infront of the TV for just a short moment. Not only did this make me feel little, but I felt loved and most importantly, I felt as if I was there, right next to him. Because we had that kind of conversation where it actually would be if I was there in person. 

I remember all the times he punished me for saying a bad word. Which I apreciate. It is a part of me I don't like and I would like to change it still.

I remember all the times he would take me with him in his car for a car ride, sometimes to the store, sometimes to his work. And once or twice he took a car ride just so I would fall asleep! I loved watching out the window when he drove, I saw a part of the world I had never ever seen before. I saw a part of the world that is thousands of miles away!

And I remember all the secret calls I made. During my bedtimes I would call him secretly. He had his skype settings so it automatically picked up my calls. I would then lay in bed and listen to his voice when he was working. Some days I wouldn't had fallen asleep when he got out from work, then he would sometimes give me a little warning or he would just talk with me until I fell asleep.

I remember those times he and I would just lay and look at eachother before I fell asleep. No words exchanged. Just looking at eachother.

I will cherish all these memories we had. He wasn't perfect, but he was really close to perfect!To me at least. Even though we were thousands of miles apart he could make me feel loved, he could punish me, he could make me cry, he could make me smile, he managed to make me feel little even in the darkest times. But the thing I love the most, is that he made me feel as if I was there, right next to him in person. THAT is something i doubt many guys can do. And I start to feel that finding someone like Cody, or better, is going to be hard. I've had some relationships after mead Cody, and it hasn't had that nice feeling I want. Either it's been me always starting a conversation or just talking in general. Or they have just decided not to talk with me at all.

[tayiie]

I got the cutest hat!

 

A while back I had a friend who now is not my friend. Sometime last fall she and I went to the mall. We were having some fun, walked into a store where I saw a very cute hat. I love kawaii style and such. As I said that I liked the hat, the person I was with bought it because she liked it too. A few days passed then she said she didn't like it because it shedded its "fur". She asked if I wanted to have it. At that time, I didn't want it. I rarely take things from friends, I don't like gifts, because I feel like I owe them something in return. Now we all graduated on friday last week. Today me and my real friend went back to the school to fix some documents. And hanging all by itself was the cute hat, I knew it was my ex friend's hat. Knowing she lives MILES away from the school and isn't coming back, I took it. Because I like it. So now I have this really cute hat with pockets ^.^ It may be shedding "fur" but it's still very cozy and I feel extra little when I wear it!
 

[tayiie]

Trying to quit smoking

 

but I find it rather hard! I used to manage quit smoking about four years ago, at that time I found it to be easier than now. Then I tried to remember why, and I realized that I managed to quit because of my daddy. He was always "there" to tell me I did something bad. He always brought down a punishment if he found out i had been smoking. He got me to quit.

 

its not that I dont want to, i really do! but its so hard! I get these thoughts in my head

"i should quit"

"this is just so stupid"

"okay one, but no more!" *takes another*

"fuck I should just throw this shit away"

"but its so good!"

And I just... cant do it alone. ive tried different aids to quit. nothing helps this time. and it sucks and i hate myself for smoking because its effecting my mother and my dog... I believe I need that daddy to tell me "no!" i need that one person to punish me every time I smoke, or even think about it. I need that one person to reward me when I do something else instead of smoking. I wish it didnt have to be that way, but I just cant get out of this crappy way of living 3:

[Guest Pylveon]

How long have you been smoking? That's just another positive reason to have a caregiver, looks like you need someone to guide you or "controll" you. Btw hejsan~

[tayiie]

How long have you been smoking? That's just another positive reason to have a caregiver, looks like you need someone to guide you or "controll" you. Btw hejsan~

started smoking when I was 10, stopped at 11. started at 17 stopped at 19-ish and then started again last year in september some time.

[tayiie]

Realizing things I wish I didnt...

 

Nobody has ever told me life would be easy. Recently Ive been thinking about my mental health. In a "relationship" i has this prev fall I was told to be a "negative bitch who bring no joy to my (his) life". And this got me thinking. And I realize, yes. I am rather negative when im around certain people. But then I started thinking again, why is this? Why do I tend to say " negative" things in certain situations? And I think I have the answer.

 

Im never allowed to feel sad.

If I cry so my family members can hear me, emidiately I have to tell whats wrong.Never can I just cry my eyes out.

I biuld up everything I feel inside, every emotion.

I barely have a personal life.

Nobody wants to hire me for a job. Not even a crap job like Mc Donalds.

I dont have any friends.

I am somewhat poor.

My parents are divorced, this leads me to that I dont feel like a part of my dads family thanks to his "wife".

 

Now, despite all this above I have in my head. I act happy, I tend to care too deeply about people, I let people in, I get hurt over and over again, I try not to worry about my life things might just work out for me.

But there comes a moment when I let all my negativity out in the blue. And this is sadly something that has happened to me this past 8 months. Everything seems pointless. I want to fucking die. But I cant. Because I always have to think " there are those who have it worse". I cant go die because I couldnt let my mom go through losing a second child. I cant die because I have a family to support, something Ive been doing since I was maybe 15 or so, and its been hard, but to some point, manageable.

 

I cant die, because, maybe I can make some good in this world, despite all my negativity I still keep my hope up of having a boyfriend, a daddy dom. Getting a job that leads me to getting my dream job. Giving my mom a better life, a life she deserves after all she has done for me.

 

At the moment my hope is fading. But, its still there. One day will be that day when everything just turns for me. Because even that is a part of life. And when it does, I will probably be one of the happiest people on this planet.

 

People may be having it worse than me. But at the same time, that does not mean I can't be sad about my life. My life IS horrible. To a certain degree. I still fear of having to live on the streets. Every day. I still have days where I cant afford food for the day. I cant afford medicine. I cant afford doctors appointment.

 

And now when I have given out my little "rant" I feel somewhat better. I will still keep on hoping my life will turn around for me by the end of this year. And if it doesn't, I guess I just will have to hope for next year.

[tayiie]

Anxiety....

 

I have some severe anxiety at the moment. I cant think, I can barely breathe, i want to smoke, i want to hide, i want to cry...

 

I dont have friends.... So, with that I dont get many PM on facebook. The only time I do get them, aparently, is if I posted something "wrong"...

 

A while back I made a post about how happy I was about my waist trainer. " My new waist trainer is here, so happy! Hard to believe it can make you look "skinny"" is what I wrote. Just a status, nothing else was in the post. Then I got messages from someone in my class, never saw her as a real friend and this just proved my thoughts. She had messaged me at night saying she was offended by my post and that I wasnt thinking about other people around me... I reaf it when I woke up and was on my way to school... Anyway it all escelated quickly into me being the bad person, being careless, thoughless, rude and all this bullshit.

 

So anyway, now I have gotten a message from someone in my class and I get anxiety because Im afraid of what it will say... The reason for that is because I had a classmate who was close to me, I did what i always do, get too involved in someone and want to help her, except she did not want my help, she threw it away, all the chances I gave her. What made me put down my foot was when she "cut" herself so she would get a reaction from me and another person. Friends dont do that. Friends dont play on other peoples feelings. What I now fear is that this person has talked to the one messaging me saying all the horrible thingsand that this person now is going to tell me off and say im a horrible person...

 

I really cant deal with this T.T

[tayiie]

Been a while since I last wrote here. Not that many reads it anyway just something fun for me ^.^

 

So, I recently started a new diet. 5:2. And its actually going rather well. Not having to think about eating for 36h is truly amazing for me, because I dislike food for various of reasons.

 

I started this diet because I want to lose weight. Will try 5:2 for a few months and see where it takes me. Then I will probably add LCHF to it as Ive read it can be a good combination and also many of my friends has lost a lot of weight on it. Though Im being very hesitant with LCHF as I have huge issues with my stomach. Really can't eat much because I get sick, which is one of the various reasons I dont like to eat.

 

But, one step at a time. ^.^

Ive also done other life changes. I work out almost every day. And I've quit smoking. Think this is my third week without cigg and it feels awesome!

Edited July 23, 2017 by tayiie

[tayiie]

Recently wrote a story that was based on a true one, half way. Anyway, it made me feel so sick and tired of being alone that Ive been starting to think about being in a D/s relationship. I want to know how if feels to have a relationship like ddlg but without the whole caregiving part. I dont want to be a slave but it would be nice to take a break from my little self. And if it doesnt work then maybe I could add some ddlg into it. Still unsure, but I want to try it so bad. And I feel like my cravings is strong now, i can feel ill make mistakes and get into something that can turn out badly...