I failed as a daddy. (Warning long rant)

[TheDaddyest]

         Last night I found out my little is going to end up in rehab again for anorexia. I worked so hard to try and help her over these months. She want's a break. She knows she will be in the hospital for many months and wont be able to leave or do anything like have privileges because she refuses to go willingly. I'm shaking. I'm so upset anxious and disappointed.

         

              She lied to me.. again. She avoided me for at least a week and a half.  I can't help her  as much as I want being on a different continent. We were fixing ourselves together. I've been working on getting healthy and trying hard to help my chronic pain situation. I could type so much fucking more about the hope she gave me the connection  we had (or have I don't know which anymore...).

 

            Despite all the super shitty parts of our relationship like not being able to Skype for even an hour a day and most days not being able to at all, and the 14 hour timezone difference, and the 7 year age gap that meant her moving to america would take anywhere from 2 to about 7 or 8 years I has actually so content. I was lonely of course. But with all my mental and physical health issues finding someone who can bring a genuine smile to my face, or laugh genuinely was so rare it was almost impossible. And finding someone who's mere existence in my life could motivate me to work as hard as I have been to get better was actually impossible. 

 

         I even changed the way I fundamentally conducted myself as a Daddy because she was the first little I have ever had to need so much structure and I needed to be a firmer daddy. You guys don't know this about me but I have a pretty high sex drive. It's not purely sexual obviously with my little but being intimate is something I love and crave from my little often. I never thought I'd be able to make it work with someone who couldn't do those things on a regular basis after we both got comfortable with each other and the relationship  progressed. I won't go into the detail to why or how but in the end we experimented once or twice naturally and it was great but circumstances made that part of us be put on hold for an indeterminate amount of time. And you know what, I actually surprised myself by being ok with it. I know it sounds like I thought  I was some sex crazed asshole but I guess yeah I did think that. It was super nice to uncover I was a better more understanding daddy than I knew.

 

       She told me I could find a second little to be with because I was so lonely way in the begining of our relationship. I have been poly before. And It's kind of a huge rush and a big ego boost to be a daddy with 2 or 3 littles. But It's not what I wanted. I have been half looking around but at the end of the day, if the offer came, I know I would have turned it down.

 

     I'm going to lose her. I blame myself. I had a responsibly as a daddy to keep her safe and happy and I couldn't. I'm so sorry. 

[Guest Daddy'sBabyGirl2017]

no you didnt. i myslef being a recovering anorexic, know that not even the most loving daddy in the world will help. the only thing that will help is letting her know you care about her..remind her to eat even if its just a cracker or two. you didnt fail as a daddy, nor did she fail as a little, some littles have issues with body images..i know i do..if you ever need someone to talk to skype me name is on my profile

[TheDaddyest]

Thank you. I'm so depressed. I'm close to crying. She's very subborn and strong willed sometimes and even though she want's to enjoy the time we have left before she gets forced into the hospital, she thinks going on a break is the answer when she leaves. What what's a 3 month or 6 month break? It feels like a break up. Breaks don't work in my experience. And the situation could be 10 times better if she admitted herself. She refuses though. I'm definitely going to skype you in the near future.Having someone I can vent to about ana is something I have been looking for. Thank you so much.  

[Guest Daddy'sBabyGirl2017]

when my daddy felt depressed about it he colored and cuddled with my stuffies with me..try skyping her and coloring with her..might help you a little

[TheDaddyest]

I wish I could. It's saturday for her and she's busy all weekend. I think it's the hike this weekend but it might be next weekend. I hope it's not the hike. I'm so worried she's going to hurt herself. She says she'll be fine on the hike though. I'm panicking now. She'll be ok.... I hope.  

[Guest Loki]

You didn't fail. Life is just unfair, and it sounds like the both of you have tried. Be there for her if she wants you to, and if she truly needs to do this on her own know that isn't a failing on anyone's part. There's things in life we need to do alone, and only we know what they are.

 

Love her, and respect her. She may be wanting to spare you the pain or she might be embarrassed. Talk to her about it, ask her why she needs the break.

 

When all is said and done, just let go. It'll be hard if that's what you need to do, but if a person wants to leave, we have to accept it and move on.

[TheDaddyest]

You didn't fail. Life is just unfair, and it sounds like the both of you have tried. Be there for her if she wants you to, and if she truly needs to do this on her own know that isn't a failing on anyone's part. There's things in life we need to do alone, and only we know what they are.

 

Love her, and respect her. She may be wanting to spare you the pain or she might be embarrassed. Talk to her about it, ask her why she needs the break.

 

When all is said and done, just let go. It'll be hard if that's what you need to do, but if a person wants to leave, we have to accept it and move on.

       She want's the break because she wont be allowed to talk to me and doesn't know when she will get out and think's it will be unfair to me. I kind of agree but I can't get into a new relationship knowing she will be back eventually. That's not how I want to function. I'll be back in a few I have to do some stuff just so no one worries. 

[TheDaddyest]

Update** I had a short conversation with her. The hike is this weekend. BUT she told her brother and they are  going to work together to find a suitable program for her. By the sounds of it; this is her going willingly. So I'm super proud. I don't know that this means for the break. But telling her brother about anything related to ana is scary asf to her. And last night she refused to go willingly at all. So progress. 

[Somewhatdiscreet]

You can't start blaming yourself for things you can't possibly control. It won't help either of you.

 

I'm really glad to hear her brother is somewhat aware of the situation and that should take a load off of your mind rightly. It sounds like she's making great progress!

 

Also I've been in a relatively similar situation recently, in my experience breaks rarely ever work out. If your gut is telling you that this is her way of trying to break up gently, it probably is. I'm sorry.

 

I think we may have a lot in common so I've sent you a friend request. If you'd ever like to vent to someone who knows where you're coming from or someone to hang out with to take your mind off of things I'd love to chat with you in DMs, all the best.

[TheDaddyest]

You can't start blaming yourself for things you can't possibly control. It won't help either of you.

 

I'm really glad to hear her brother is somewhat aware of the situation and that should take a load off of your mind rightly. It sounds like she's making great progress!

 

Also I've been in a relatively similar situation recently, in my experience breaks rarely ever work out. If your gut is telling you that this is her way of trying to break up gently, it probably is. I'm sorry.

 

I think we may have a lot in common so I've sent you a friend request. If you'd ever like to vent to someone who knows where you're coming from or someone to hang out with to take your mind off of things I'd love to chat with you in DMs, all the best.

 

 

I pretty much  know what's going on in her mind with the break stuff. She thinks it will make my life easier and it's more fair to me. It's not about a break up or even a break it's about self sacrifice from her and I am extremely grateful to her gesture.

 

I don't know if lexi will read any of this and I feel bad about talking on here like I am talking be him her back. 

 

Lexi I'm sorry I came on here to vent my freak out episode. Seems to have helped me a lot though. I love you.

[firefaerie]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. You know, you're the kind of Daddy I've prayed for while I've been dealing with all of my life shit. But I think your situation goes to prove that even when someone is everything you've ever wanted or needed, life gets in the way. Her ana was stronger than she was. And that's not to say she can never beat it but right now she needs professional help. That doesn't make you bad and that doesn't mean you've failed. 

Edited May 22, 2017 by firefaerie

[Guest Spryor0377]

As a little with an eating disorder, I can say it's definitely not my daddy's responsibility to control my eating habits. I love in a distorted reality that I don't even understand, so how can my daddy? I'm a sick little, who needs professional help; not the help of a non-medicinal lover

[Guest thelittlestcorgi]

The most important thing, I think, is to remember that caregivers are not actually Superman/Superwoman/etc. You don't have super powers and you can never undo someone's condition just by being a perfect partner. It's good to try, but it's even better to accept that you're technically pretty powerless in that situation. You can improve your daddy-ing as much as you want and it will help avoid problems with the relationship, keeping your little from having even more issues on top of their eating disorder. But there is literally nothing you can do to fix disorders without being your little's therapist (and that would be a whole other can of worms ethically, tbh)

 

No worries. Don't beat yourself up. Being a good daddy is important, and your little may see you as a superhero sometimes and that's totally aces. But remember that you truly can't protect your little from everything - some things, she will have to do on her own and all you can do is be on the sidelines cheering for her and supporting her at the distance she's most comfortable with. I think that's all anyone can reasonably expect from someone else, and I doubt she'd ever hold that against you. Sometimes taking a break just helps one focus on their recovery, so they can come back into things fresher and healthier. Perhaps try to see it that way instead?

[Tardisqt42]

I just wanted to see how you were doing. I saw your post from May. I just wanted to let you know I'm a non judgmental stranger and I'll be happy to listen. I don't feel you did anything wrong.. you can't fix something you didn't know was wrong. It was purposely hidden from you. I'm sure you play it over and over in your head looking for signs you missed. Maybe you found some maybe not. But I do believe you tried your best. What's done is done. Now it's time for you both to heal. It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. She will be okay. Time heals all wounds Edited June 10, 2017 by Tardisqt42

[Guest StrawberryMonsterMix]

All the love in the world cannot "cure" a mental illness. It's just a sad fact of life. You can support her in any way you can, but in the end, it's up to your Little to learn how to overcome her issues. I hope everything works out for the both of you.

[Guest bubbles__]

Being a recovered Anorexic I can say that no matter what anyone said or did I was going to starve myself no matter what anyone said or did. Her eating disorder is by no means your fault. If you truly want her then stick with her through it. I myself am Polyamorous and I find it a beautiful thing to be able to love more than one person as well as see your partner do the same. However you did mention you were lonely and you wanted someone there. So maybe she isn't the right one for you?