Need Advice on my Little

[The Alpha Ace]

Hello wonderfull internet people,

 

Today's post might be a big long, sorry in advance

 

Ages

 

Me: 32

Her Mum : Mid 40's

B: 21

M: 12

E: 3

 

Right backstory, I met B on my Birthday last year and we've been dating ever since, either spending the weekend at hers or she comes to mine for it

Recently I introduced her to my real life daughter and they had a blast, she met her sister wh has mild autism, as does my daughter and they we're playing and doing things kids do, then a couple of weeks back we go to her brothers engagement party and spend the weekend staying with her, my daughter loved it she really was a happy little camper, as was B and M

 

Fast forward to home day, and we say our goodbyes and thank everyone for the weekend including her mum, last that night B rings me and tells me her mum disproves of me following a number of issues which I will list below

 

1. The special gift I got her for christmas, one of those heart barcelets thats lockable (nothing sinister)

2. That I usually always have a small token give, say a small bear or something simillar, something less than a £1/$1

3. That we don't have any break weekends, (this one annoys me as we dont live in the same city so we only generally see each other at weekends, unless its a holiday)

4. That I spend to much of my own money to out do her, and one up her, i.e buying a newer iPad than she has because i always have to be bigger and better (this annoys me, because I got the iPad 2nd hand so its not like I went to Apple and bought and brand new one)

5. That I sometimes forget to say Please/Thank you, (I am only human?? )

6. That I always take her back to her house after a weekend here and she doesn't feel like her daughter is independant enough

7. That I let her and her sister look after my own daughter and I didnt pay close enough attention (i'll explain this in more detail)

 

Okay at the engagement party my daughter was playing with all the ballons and running around after her sister, I had eyes on her at all times, but I was told by her grandad that their were enough adults around and I don't need to panic (hence I wasn't following her around and watching everything she did, if that makes sense)

 

The following day, we are mostly at her mum's and again my daugther is happy playing with her sister and just having fun, I am sat watching and playing when my daughter pulls me too her to play.

 

Move on to sunday dinner at her grandparents, and I let my daughter explore upstairs aided by her sister, so I wasn't worried where she was and so on.

 

Now because of all this the next time she comes to my house she will leave early on the sunday to ensure its not dark and unsafe when she gets back as she'll be walking home alone (I swear if something bad happens, I will let rip with her mum)

 

So I have to loose out on daddy time because of this.

 

Am I being unfair, Am I in the wrong? The way I see it im just being a normal dad, whos looking after his child and his gf and actually care aboout them both?

 

So folks need some advice because I can't carry on like this, its going to hurt the relationship in the long run if I cant resolve these issues

 

many thanks for reading and I'll take all advice I can get

 

Thanks

Ace

 

B is 21

my Daugther is 3

 

 

[Biscuits]

I'm gonna go off on a limb and say that she probably didn't have a good partner to raise her daughter with, and now she sees her daughter with a man who can well take care of both his daughter and his partner. If thats the case, then the mother is jealous of the relationship you have with your family and theirs, which often happens when parents cant accept the fact that their children may, and most likely will, have better futures than them (because thats the whole point of parenting, give them a better future). It may also be an issue if she thinks you're "not worth" her daughter, that you're not good enough. There are many little reasons that can lead to disapproval. 

 

From what I read and what I understand, it just seems to be a case of misled hatred. If someone doesn't even like one little thing about you, or misinterprets something to hate about you, then it can last a long time since they tend to never share that. 

 

Your options are pretty much either: confront the mother directly about your issue in a professional manner, speak with your partner if you are unable to confront the mother, or just ignore the situation as a whole (highly not recommended).

 

Take care of this now, because, while your love for each other may be strong, family is a huge factor in break ups. If their mother doesn't approve or doesn't learn how to just live with the relationship, that just might be the reason for a split in the future.

 

Speak to them, prove yourself to them, try your very hardest to form a positive bond of some sorts, it would be a shame for the relationship to go down because of someone else's opinion.

 

Best of luck.

 

Love,

Biscuits   

Edited April 18, 2017 by Biscuits

[Guest Princessaj]

Ace, what a pickle...

 

I was going to write a forensic analysis of each of the mum's points, but I think that I had better share what my gut is saying overall.

 

I think that B's mum is jealous, manipulating, overbearing, threatened and a narcissist.

 

Why not call her out? Set up time, one on one without B, to put the cards on the table as adults. You don't have to say anything about DDlg, because that is not part of her rant in any way shape or form.

 

As you prepare for the "Peace Talks," figure out a strategy of how you are going to ask "why?" in so many different ways. I have a feeling that mum is very good at pointing out what's wrong with things, people and will reply, "...because I said so...."...that is the narcissist.

 

The only time it appears she gave a reason was when referring to wanting B to be independent...I would tell her that independence comes from B making her own decisions. B can define her independence any way she wishes, to take decisions on her own and be responsible for whatever outcome presents itself.

 

As for how to respond to these things to B, I would take the high road and be all hearts and flowers. Don't make it a triangle, make it a direct and clear connect between you and mum. You need to defend yourself and your love for B, like holding out a Teflon shield. No matter how she comes at you, stand your ground, be the protector. In the very end, no matter what happens it will be B's decision. Hugs

[Princess-P]

Your girlfriend is 21... Her mothers concern over her independence shouldn't exist. If she raised her properly then by this age she should be confident in her daughters ability to make her own decisions.

 

I wouldn't bother calling the mom out. Why cause drama. If your gf doesn't want to leave your house early then she doesn't have to. And she can tell her mother that herself. Its not your place to get in between their family issues. She's an adult she can handle it herself.

 

The mother sounds controlling. And jealous. A lot of moms develop jealousy over their daughters when they see them doing better than themselves. Which is pathetic. As a parent you want better for your children.

 

Let your gf deal with her mother. Encourage her to stand up for herself. Its her choice to make though and not yours.

[The Alpha Ace]

Its not about leaving my house early cause of her mum, its safety in that it will be daylight as opposed to evening, as I'm not allowed to escort her home, as it would cause more drama.

Alittle more backstory, before me she had a relationship which was very unhealthy and caused her to have a breakdown and rely on her mum to do things for her ect, So I knw her mum is being overprotective because of this and the fact the both her mum's partners were abusive and not nice characters, but I dont get why treats and escorting a lady home, is seen as a trait of bad character??

 

I am just stuck as to why shes being so obtrusive when she can see I make her daughter happy and content.

[Guest LittleCatLover]

My guess would be that B's mother sees it as you being "obsessively" controlling? I am not saying you are, but from the outside it could be interpreted that way. After both B and her mother having been in abusive relationships it could just be that she is scared and looks for reason to dislike you. To be honest, I don't really know how you could improve the situation, I guess you will just have to persistently show her your good side, show that you are willing to compromise and listen to her concerns. Have a talk with her and ask her what things she is concerned about and if you can do anything to help her come to terms with you being in a relationship with her daughter. I know this might piss you off and make you feel bad about yourself, but I think this might be a situation where you need to be the bigger person. Just let her know your concerns, that as you are unable to meet anytime you want and only have weekends, you want to spend as much time together as possible and that you bringing her home is just your concern for B's safety. She probably will still feel unsure about you, but we can only hope that with time she will come around.

I would also suggest that you do talk to B about it. Yes, it might upset her, but I think it would be worse for her if you do all of this behind her back or don't tell her about your concerns and problems. 

Please don't get me wrong, this is just how I would go about it and I have to say I am glad you aren't just acting out and instead try to find a good solution. 

 

All the best wishes, Cat

[The Alpha Ace]

I honestly think its the begining of the end, When we talk now on the phone it feels like she is just going through the motions, Even next week she has the friday of work but she wont come down till the evening instead of the thursday night as the following week is bank hol and she belives spending more time here with me will make her home life more tricky.. I just honestly right now if things dont improve I am considering throwing the towel in as I just strugling...

 

Sorry for the consecutive rants, im just trying to avoid hitting depression and venting and talking here does help