when's it time to say no? when is it dangerous? & mental health. (tw: mentions of trauma)

April 18, 2017

warning - what i'm saying here is in general terms, i know there are special

situations for special times. yes, i know all relationships are different, etcetcetc.

i've been thinking about this for an awfully long time, months and months, i've

spoken about the topic to my Daddy multiple times, never decided to bring it up

here until now.

i've seen it MANY times, mostly on here, but on tumblr and every other website

that has a trace of a cgl/ community, i'm sure there are others out there who have

noticed it, too. well, at least some of it.

1.) littles who want a caregiver for mental health reasons.

this one i've seen all too often, littles who want a caregiver so that said cg

can take care of their mental health. wait. before you get offended, i don't mean

littles who want a cg to remind them to take their medicine, encourage them

on a healthy path, to get better for, who wants the encouragement to seek

help or continue treatments. this goes for multiple mental illnesses, depression

bipolar l & ll, anxiety of any type, eating disorders, addictions, etc.

with me, there's a big difference between wanting those things but doing it for

yourself and being able to do it WITHOUT a caregiver vs someone wanting

these things to refuse to grow up and learn how to take care of themselves. so,

generally when i see someone asking for a caregiver just for these needs - it

strikes me as dangerous mentally and emotionally to BOTH parties as well as a

level of immaturity with said little. we should be able to take care of ourselves

without relying on your partner to take care of you in that sense. what if the little

and caregiver split up? what would that little do now that the person who was

being the adult for her is no longer there and they don't know how to be an adult

themselves? that's why it strikes me as dangerous. going down the path of a

mental illness being untreated and unacknowledged can be an excruciating

experience no one should have to go through. so, is it okay for a little to depend

and take care of themselves solely because they are now in a relationship? i've

seen people console and tell others it's okay to be this type of little and it's worrisome

that someone could support turning into that without being able to have their dynamic.

that being said, it doesn't seem like the cg and little would be equals with one another.

which, a large majority of the littles i see like this are very young, seems as if on some

level it stunts that developing time where they're blossoming into adults and breaking

away from their parents, starting life out as an adult. that, in my honest opinion, is

something everyone needs. that period to become an adult and learn to care for

themselves.

2.) littles who use being little as a coping method.

this is something i've only ever been able to see written about in the forums, so, how i

see may not be the way things truly are. feel free to correct me.

from what i see, there are more than half of the littles around here who go into their

'little space' to cope with their issues. does this mean it's something it's done to avoid

the issue? the way most explain it is that, when life throws adult level things at them,

they instead go to little space to avoid having to deal with it. and i've seen my fair share

of people who decide not to address the issue at all. isn't this something to be seen as

also dangerous? it sounds, to me, more like an excuse to not have to deal with things

they don't want to. popping into that space and refusing to come out almost sounds

frustrating to have to deal with. then again, this is something i also have seemed to find

in the younger little crowd, generally 18/19/20/21 year old.

to me? it sounds unhealthy and yet more avoidance in adult life. i mean it's a coping skill

but it is a safe or healthy one? i'm sure there are people who use it healthier, such as

after a long, stressful day at work you come home, cuddle up with your cg, a movie, and

a juice box and you're in little space. you're destressing, you're dealing with adult issues

in a little space mindset, and it's healthy. i'd like to hear about the littles who use it as a

coping method in any sort of way though, for a better understanding.

3.) littles who treat the dynamic as if 'you have to be this tall to ride this ride'.

i've seen more than my fair share of littles, very new and very freshly 18/19/20, who have

claimed to just find the life but manage to quickly start a relationship, having a cg who is

usually roughly the same age ( be upset or offended with me but most of the issues i see

are with this crowd and i'm not afraid to address that as a big issue either. ) but, there are

suddenly hundreds of problems now that you're in a dd/lg relationship. ' i see daddies do

this, i want my daddy to do that, why doesn't my daddy do this,' etcetc. this falls into

misunderstanding and misinformation. it seems a lot of people want their caregiver to

fall into a cookie-cutter caregiver that's suppose to be 100% perfect, take care of you always,

and never mess up. and that any daddy that doesn't fit their standards is considered a fake

caregiver and end up insulted. i've seen a lot of insults flung at daddies here who don't do

something 100% the way the little likes. or them being upset because it's not the cg/l they

saw with other couples or from movies/tvs/comics/fanficts/etc. it just doesn't seem healthy

to me for someone to form their relationship on something else they saw - and have that

something else be uncomfortable for one or more in the ship. at the end of the day, some of

these questions basically translate into "why isn't daddy like the rest" or "how do i be a little".

there's no 100% surefire way to be a little. or a daddy.

i know some of you can claim that they're asking because they're new but if they're already

participating in a relationship, it should be known by both parties what's up. know what you're

doing before you engage.

4.) communicating

this one's huge. i say it but we've all see it. the same 8 questions asked

by the general younger age group. and every answer ends up being 'talk to your partner' no,

not many ask HOW to talk to them, suggest ways to address an issue, mostly just 'i have a

problem, it's making me depressed, how do i fix it'. in a vanilla relationship you have to talk

to your partner, that doesn't magically change once you switch into a new dynamic or if you're

testing the waters. actually, i feel if you enter the world of bdsm communication becomes THAT

much more important. sometimes it's scary to think that there are littles and caregivers alike

out there who don't understand or know such a basic rule of a relationship yet they engage

into something like cg/l. i know for a fact i'm not the only one who has noticed it, i've seen a lot

of the more frequent posters giving shorter, blunt answers to things where the answer is 'talk

to your partner'. they're allowed to be tired of it, it's human. sure, let someone else answer it?

that's beside the point.

4.) the lack of concern for a little's caregiver.

i have seen so many daddies being wailed on for doing something wrong by someone's standards

and then there's a sudden influx of people comforting the person and telling them their daddy was

wrong for something that, given the chance you ask the right questions, realize he wasn't in the

wrong or that he didn't know he was wrong in the first place because they're expected to be mind

readers! and not just littles dis on daddies, i've seen more of the macho man group beat their chests

and direct that they assume dominance without speaking to the little to figure out what they want

first and immediately throw shade at the caregiver for making any sort of mistake in the first place. i think

sometimes people forget that caregivers are people, too. they have wants, needs, desires, they're not

perfect, they're still working on living their life, they still make mistakes, they're still learning, you never

stop learning. for some reason, here at least, it seems less acceptable for a caregiver to make a mistake

vs a little making a mistake.

i've seen it happen where people run to comfort the little but if a caregiver would've posted they

would've asked what they did to upset the little - as if a little can do no wrong. this bothers me. a lot.

like, a lot a lot. you'll often find me commenting in a favoring light of the caregiver ( with very few others

who do so as well ) questioning if he knew what he did was wrong, if there was any type of communication

going on between the two before, during, or after the issue happened. because, like i said, a lot of them

have simple communication issues.

i'm sure i missed some things i was curious about or wanted to touch on, no sweat. i bet there were some

toes i stepped on, don't be offended.

questions? comments? concerns?

discuss, please.

Edited April 19, 2017 by Candy Minx ♡

April 18, 2017

Everyone matures mentally at different points in time in their lives, some mature early on while others mature later in life. Most younger people (18, 19, 20, 21) are still very inexperienced when it comes to relationships. People that are inexperienced often make many mistakes and ask silly little questions, it's all part of them figuring things out. People generally learn how relationships work through trial and error, so you have to be more understanding when they get confused on things that have an obvious answer to someone older and more experienced. I feel that the best thing you can do is to be understanding and to offer advice when it's needed.

April 18, 2017

#2 makes me wonder if you have ever had to seriously cope with anything in your life, While coping mechanisms can be healthy or unhealthy they are a matter of survival and that is something I feel you have no real right to comment on unless you have had to survive by any means necessary. Your point of using Little Space to avoid facing your problems and weather or not it is health is moot. Sometimes a situation is such that it takes all that you can just to survive and it is by surviving that will allow one to discover better ways to cope. You can't really know the situation of any given stranger and know just how much strength it takes for them to keep going, and how the cope enough to survive is not really something anyone has any real say in weather it is right or wrong.

I can't really speak much on the matter of #1 but take into consideration what I said above, sometimes someone is not strong enough to face things all by themselves, sometimes it takes having someone to be strong and brave for to get to the point where they can stand on their own. It may not be the Healthiest way to do it but no one can do more than they are able. Even if it fails it could make them a stronger person for it.

April 18, 2017

Hi, I took the liberty to amend your post to how I would like the energy to be in this community.

Let's celebrate people for asking for what they want, and are willing to reach out to engage in a relationship that they believe will make them happy.

This is not real life!!!!! Please don't ask me to be real in DDlg. What is real is that 2 parties are coming together seeking what they desire. Even if they obtain "it" they may realize that they have changed their mind and go again looking. It's an adventure. Bravo to those that accept the challenge.

1.) littles who want a caregiver for mental health reasons. Great idea!

littles of any age and/or mental health issue may want a caregiver so that their cg

can help take care of their mental health with them as a team. It is so wonderful that littles have the opportunity to find just the right cg to remind them to take their medicine, encourage them on a healthy path, to get better for, who wants the encouragement to seek help or continue treatments. this goes for multiple mental illnesses, depression bipolar l & ll, anxiety of any type, eating disorders, addictions, etc.

Some littles want to be doing self care and can learn with their cg to be able to do

these things at any age. Growing up and learning how to take care of themselves

is not the idea behind DDlg. It is about Adults coming together for a mutual benefit at any age they want to be.

I applaud littles asking for a caregiver to assist in handling their needs - it strikes me as a sign that the little wants to be mentally and emotionally better and would like to have a partner in doing so. Bravo!

I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, but as a middle I want to rely on my

Daddy, in my case, that is in my life to help me because it brings them joy and

satisfaction. Being a well matched couple in any kink or arrangement in the vanilla world is in some cases a miracle, because they are blessed that they found a partner

to make both of their lives better. People rely on people in all worlds, that is a human

thing. If a little and a cg split up, they are free to find other partners to continue

in the DDlg lifestyle that makes them and their partner the best they can be.

Mental illness being untreated and unacknowledged can be an excruciating experience no one should have to go through. so, is it okay for a little to depend and be taken care of, because they are now in a DDlg relationship and that is the core of the dynamic.

Each cg and little can define themselves as equals with one another if they want to or not. Younger littles have so much life to live and experiences to have. If a little needs to take longer to blossom into an adult and delay breaking away from their parents to start life out on their own, so be it. We live in a society/real world/vanilla that pushes people to grow up and that is why I boldly protest the idea that I have to become someone, an Adult, to please someone else.

2.) littles who use being little as a coping method. That ROCKS!

littles go into their 'little space' to be little. If it helps them cope with their issues. then good on them. Everyone sees life a different way. If a little goes into little space when the Adult world is giving them a curve then that is up to them and doesn't mean they are avoiding the challenge. Some people in general, by paying attention to they instincts may be champions of managing their life from their perpsective and they do not have to please anyone but themselves. What is dangerous is some people ignore their intuition and do things to please others. One persons excuse is another persons solution.

Many therapists, Psychologists, Psychiatrist, mental health professionals encourage people with mental health issues to go into little space as a tool to make their lives better. If I go into middle space and it provides me with healing then I am going to continue to do it. What is frustrating is to question what works for some without being that person of any age.

DDlg is all about avoidance in adult life and THANK GOD we can. A coping skill

can be safe and healthy for some and not for others. There are people who either know what works for them or are willing to try something are very healthy in their efforts. After a long, stressful day at work I come home, cuddle up with my Daddy, a movie, and a juice box in little space. I am distressing and to hell with Adult issues.

3.) littles who treat the dynamic as if 'you have to be this tall to ride this ride'.

Great news! DDlg is for everyone, short or tall.

Any age littles who has claimed to just find out that they are little may manage to quickly start a relationship, having a cg of any age. Then there is a wakeup call. it seems that are suddenly hundreds of problems now that you're in a dd/lg or vanilla relationship. Let everyone strive to experience DDlg their way. Learning what makes you happy in any life comes from seeing Daddies do this and then want my Daddy to do that. If they ask why doesn't my Daddy do this,' I am happy to see them questioning what will either be right for them or not.

Relationship exploration involves misunderstanding and misinformation. A lot of people have huge expectations trying to be a cookie-cutter caregiver/little that's supposed to be 100% perfect. Having unreasonable expectations in any case is so much more work. There is no such thing as to take care of you always and never mess up. A Daddy that doesn't fit a little's standards is not the right Daddy for that little then. We learn by what is modeled to us to become healthy human beings. We all form our relationships on something we saw - and we may find that what works for someone else is uncomfortable for them. At the end of the day, managing your expectations in all roles will empower Daddies to be a Daddy true to themselves and a little will learn to be their authentic little self. There's a 100% surefire way to be a little and a daddy, when you research, learn and make decisions for yourself and not to please others.

They are asking because they're not certain and want to hear from seasoned DDlg'ers. I would be very grateful to have them ask questions even if they're already participating in a relationship, Both parties are learning what's up. There is research to be had on one's own and their is research to learn during the relationship.

4.) communicating. Amen

Thank God this one's huge. Isn't it wonderful that the BDSM/DDlg community is standing for a lost art for the whole world. The same 8 questions will continue to be asked by everyone, no matter their age. Continue to answer 'talk to your partner' and suggest ways for them to talk, share...suggest ways to address an issue, Every relationship you have involves talking to your partner. Magically, as we better our communication skills you can see change in all facets in your life. Have compassion for littles and caregivers alike out there who don't understand or know such a basic rule of a relationship yet they engage. We all notice when someone is struggling. So be extra kind in how you comment. Your tact may help this person have a great breakthrough in their life.

4.) the lack of concern for a little's caregiver. Be Concerned for Everyone

littles expectations are HUGE for Daddies. Being little and wanting to be satisfied comes with the territory. Now, how a little comes to the decision of what will make them happy is not instant gratification. I think most dissatisfaction that littles have with their cg's is from not knowing what will satisfy them. A little is a kid in the Daddy store. They want to taste everything on offer and if it's yucky to them, they spit it out.

Instead of comforting that person in their complaint, challenge them by asking what it is that they were expecting and why? Give them an assignment, homework to do a self study and then reinforce talking to their partner.

littles should be schooled in the fact that caregivers are people, too. they have wants, needs, desires, they're not perfect, they're still working on living their life, they still make mistakes, they're still learning, everyone, never stop learning.

Comfort the little, comfort the caregiver.... ask what they did to upset the little - what was the littles roll in this conflict? Let's be better questioners. if he knew what he did was wrong, if there was any type of communication going on between the two before, during, or after the issue happened, because, simple communication issues can be resolved if handled in a fair and gentle way..

Thank you for the chance to offer back to the community caring and compassion. Hugs

April 18, 2017

#2 makes me wonder if you have ever had to seriously cope with anything in your life, While coping mechanisms can be healthy or unhealthy they are a matter of survival and that is something I feel you have no real right to comment on unless you have had to survive by any means necessary. Your point of using Little Space to avoid facing your problems and weather or not it is health is moot. Sometimes a situation is such that it takes all that you can just to survive and it is by surviving that will allow one to discover better ways to cope. You can't really know the situation of any given stranger and know just how much strength it takes for them to keep going, and how the cope enough to survive is not really something anyone has any real say in weather it is right or wrong.

I can't really speak much on the matter of #1 but take into consideration what I said above, sometimes someone is not strong enough to face things all by themselves, sometimes it takes having someone to be strong and brave for to get to the point where they can stand on their own. It may not be the Healthiest way to do it but no one can do more than they are able. Even if it fails it could make them a stronger person for it.

you sound bothered because i provided my understanding to the forum and asked

for help TO understand. i have a right to comment on just about anything i wish.

at least with me, i do it in a respectful way. i don't think my point is moot when

i'm concerned about other people in my community and that my care goes

beyond a few words on a forum.

"makes me wonder if you ever had to seriously cope

with anything in your life' i've been a cutter since i was 13, i'm still riddled with

scars. i was hospitalized for overdosing twice and the most recent time was in

2015. i've had the same headache since i was 16, i get migraines every day,

i've been medicated for depression, anxiety, and recently found out i was bipolar ll and

to top it all off, an eating disorder. i've had to deal with the effects of being molested

as a child, i'm still weird about people touching me. yes, i've had to cope with many things. i

haven't done it in a healthy way every time Ebut i've also found healthy coping mechanisms.

i've been forced to survive and had the love and support even when i didn't want

to. i don't think it's fair for you to even question if ive had to cope with anything.

everyone has. generally, that comment brought no real input to what i was

questioning. you just sounded a little bit offended.

even in the state i am in now, i know that there have been wrong ways to cope.

if i were to have started doing drugs, heroin, found a violent outlet - i'm sure

there would be more than a handful of people telling me my coping method

is wrong. because it is. coping methods that are usually unhealthy are wrong.

but that doesn't make them NOT coping method. you, telling me my opinion

is wrong on the other hand, is something you have no real say in. i don't

promote being mentally unhealthy and relying on others to take care of it for me,

i've been there, i've seen lots of people there, it's not a good place to be.

i know about strength. i've seen the strengths of others. i have pulled people from

the pits of hell and back to my side over and over. i understand the hell that is mental

illness.

i generally see entering a relationship for the sole purpose of trying to avoid dealing

as wrong, not everyone is equipped to do that. have i done it? sure i've done it once

or twice before when i was younger, i've both entered and stayed in unhealthy relationships

because of my mental health. opening up to someone to allow them into your mental/

emotional health space is a huge thing. especially if you have a ton of health issues

to deal with, some even physical ones. when your mental and emotional health are

in jeopardy, it's easy to see various forms of abuse as okay, too. not everyone knows

or will get out of those types and the health will continue to decline, maybe even to

a point where the damage is irreversible. there's more to it besides 'that's bad don't

do it' people are going to do what they want regardless

of what i/others think, what's good, what's bad. that's just how things are. i wanted

clarification on little space coping, i wanted to know how it worked for people. i wanted

to know what goes on when it's happening. i wanted a better understanding.

if you wish to continue this discussion, please consider being a little more respectful

next time. you don't know everyone's story and there's a difference between giving

your opinion and asking questions and flat out telling someone you question their

struggles and strengths in life.

thank you for your response.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Candy Minx ♡

April 18, 2017

Hi, I took the liberty to amend your post to how I would like the energy to be in this community.

Let's celebrate people for asking for what they want, and are willing to reach out to engage in a relationship that they believe will make them happy.

This is not real life!!!!! Please don't ask me to be real in DDlg. What is real is that 2 parties are coming together seeking what they desire. Even if they obtain "it" they may realize that they have changed their mind and go again looking. It's an adventure. Bravo to those that accept the challenge.

1.) littles who want a caregiver for mental health reasons. Great idea!

littles of any age and/or mental health issue may want a caregiver so that their cg

can help take care of their mental health with them as a team. It is so wonderful that littles have the opportunity to find just the right cg to remind them to take their medicine, encourage them on a healthy path, to get better for, who wants the encouragement to seek help or continue treatments. this goes for multiple mental illnesses, depression bipolar l & ll, anxiety of any type, eating disorders, addictions, etc.

Some littles want to be doing self care and can learn with their cg to be able to do

these things at any age. Growing up and learning how to take care of themselves

is not the idea behind DDlg. It is about Adults coming together for a mutual benefit at any age they want to be.

I applaud littles asking for a caregiver to assist in handling their needs - it strikes me as a sign that the little wants to be mentally and emotionally better and would like to have a partner in doing so. Bravo!

I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, but as a middle I want to rely on my

Daddy, in my case, that is in my life to help me because it brings them joy and

satisfaction.  Being a well matched couple in any kink or arrangement in the vanilla world is in some cases a miracle, because they are blessed that they found a partner

to make both of their lives better. People rely on people in all worlds, that is a human

thing. If a little and a cg split up, they are free to find other partners to continue

in the DDlg lifestyle that makes them and their partner the best they can be.

Mental illness being untreated and unacknowledged can be an excruciating experience no one should have to go through. so, is it okay for a little to depend and be taken care of, because they are now in a DDlg relationship and that is the core of the dynamic.

Each cg and little can define themselves as equals with one another if they want to or not. Younger littles have so much life to live and experiences to have. If a little needs to take longer to blossom into an adult and delay breaking away from their parents to start life out on their own, so be it. We live in a society/real world/vanilla that pushes people to grow up and that is why I boldly protest the idea that I have to become someone, an Adult, to please someone else.

2.) littles who use being little as a coping method. That ROCKS!

littles go into their 'little space' to be little. If it helps them cope with their issues. then good on them. Everyone sees life a different way. If a little goes into little space when the Adult world is giving them a curve then that is up to them and doesn't mean they are avoiding the challenge. Some people in general, by paying attention to they instincts may be champions of managing their life from their perpsective and they do not have to please anyone but themselves. What is dangerous is some people ignore their intuition and do things to please others. One persons excuse is another persons solution.

Many therapists, Psychologists, Psychiatrist, mental health professionals encourage people with mental health issues to go into little space as a tool to make their lives better. If I go into middle space and it provides me with healing then I am going to continue to do it. What is frustrating is to question what works for some without being that person of any age.

DDlg is all about avoidance in adult life and THANK GOD we can. A coping skill

can be safe and healthy for some and not for others. There are people who either know what works for them or are willing to try something are very healthy in their efforts. After a long, stressful day at work I come home, cuddle up with my Daddy, a movie, and a juice box in little space. I am distressing and to hell with Adult issues.

3.) littles who treat the dynamic as if 'you have to be this tall to ride this ride'.

Great news! DDlg is for everyone, short or tall.

Any age littles who has claimed to just find out that they are little may manage to quickly start a relationship, having a cg of any age. Then there is a wakeup call. it seems that are suddenly hundreds of problems now that you're in a dd/lg or vanilla relationship. Let everyone strive to experience DDlg their way. Learning what makes you happy in any life comes from seeing Daddies do this and then want my Daddy to do that. If they ask why doesn't my Daddy do this,' I am happy to see them questioning what will either be right for them or not.

Relationship exploration involves misunderstanding and misinformation. A lot of people have huge expectations trying to be a cookie-cutter caregiver/little that's supposed to be 100% perfect. Having unreasonable expectations in any case is so much more work. There is no such thing as to take care of you always and never mess up. A Daddy that doesn't fit a little's standards is not the right Daddy for that little then. We learn by what is modeled to us to become healthy human beings. We all form our relationships on something we saw - and we may find that what works for someone else is uncomfortable for them. At the end of the day, managing your expectations in all roles will empower Daddies to be a Daddy true to themselves and a little will learn to be their authentic little self. There's a 100% surefire way to be a little and a daddy, when you research, learn and make decisions for yourself and not to please others.

They are asking because they're not certain and want to hear from seasoned DDlg'ers. I would be very grateful to have them ask questions even if they're already participating in a relationship, Both parties are learning what's up. There is research to be had on one's own and their is research to learn during the relationship.

4.) communicating. Amen

Thank God this one's huge. Isn't it wonderful that the BDSM/DDlg community is standing for a lost art for the whole world. The same 8 questions will continue to be asked by everyone, no matter their age. Continue to answer 'talk to your partner' and suggest ways for them to talk, share...suggest ways to address an issue, Every relationship you have involves talking to your partner. Magically, as we better our communication skills you can see change in all facets in your life. Have compassion for littles and caregivers alike out there who don't understand or know such a basic rule of a relationship yet they engage. We all notice when someone is struggling. So be extra kind in how you comment. Your tact may help this person have a great breakthrough in their life.

4.) the lack of concern for a little's caregiver. Be Concerned for Everyone

littles expectations are HUGE for Daddies. Being little and wanting to be satisfied comes with the territory. Now, how a little comes to the decision of what will make them happy is not instant gratification. I think most dissatisfaction that littles have with their cg's is from not knowing what will satisfy them. A little is a kid in the Daddy store. They want to taste everything on offer and if it's yucky to them, they spit it out.

Instead of comforting that person in their complaint, challenge them by asking what it is that they were expecting and why? Give them an assignment, homework to do a self study and then reinforce talking to their partner.

littles should be schooled in the fact that caregivers are people, too. they have wants, needs, desires, they're not perfect, they're still working on living their life, they still make mistakes, they're still learning, everyone, never stop learning.

Comfort the little, comfort the caregiver.... ask what they did to upset the little - what was the littles roll in this conflict? Let's be better questioners. if he knew what he did was wrong, if there was any type of communication going on between the two before, during, or after the issue happened, because, simple communication issues can be resolved if handled in a fair and gentle way..

Thank you for the chance to offer back to the community caring and compassion. Hugs

i do not think my post required amending. what i said was mostly opinion and question

and you can't revise my opinions and questions for me.

i don't know, i'm confused about you saying cg/l isn't real life because it's something i live

with my Daddy. it's not something that's there only sometimes, i guess? it's more along

the lines of a 24/7 dynamic so for me, it's just a part of life that i'm living. cg/l

in that sense is my life because i live it at all times.

i feel like there's a HUGE difference between wanting a caregiver to be your caregiver, which,

something like helping a little dealing with their illness because caregivers take care of their

little/middle/etc., guiding them along and wanting one just for the sake of not wanting to take care of themselves

and having someone else do it for them.

i get growing up and learning how to take care of

yourself isn't the idea behind cg/l but it's a huge part of life, ESPECIALLY because everyone

is forced to grow up so fast in the day and age we live in. we don't really have a choice. that'd

being an adult. but being pegged as an adult means more than something for a dynamic.

it seeps into the rest of life, other peoples lives. i've still littles upset because something

happened between them and their caregiver and they split because of mental illnesses, that's

just heartbreaking at that point.

not everyone is equipped to handle someone else's mental illness and that's okay but that

doesn't mean the little should rely soley on a caregiver to take care of them because now

their sorce of care is gone ( in this case i can only hope and assume there are others there

to help them out but what if they have no one? ) learning self care and growing up is

something we HAVE to do. not just for cg/l but for the entierty of life. for friends, family, work,

everything. i would never want to encourage anyone to be in a position where they rely so

heavily upon a person, lose them, and then end up falling into a pit they can't get out of.

that's not okay, that's not ever going to be okay. 'specially since not everyone has the

backup support of friends or family or access to help without the use of a caregiver. break

ups happen, sometimes you find that one and don't have to deal with the loss and never have

to learn how self care works or what works for them and while, even then i don't think it's okay

because you never know, that's okay. that's not common and it's scary to think about.

backup support of friends or family or access to help without the use of a caregiver. break ups

happen, sometimes you find that one and don't have to deal with the loss and never have to learn how

learn how self care works or what works for them and while, even then i don't think it's okay because

you never know, that's okay. that's not common and it's scary to think about.

it's actually awful to think there are people out there who have to deal with the suffering alone

because instead of choosing to promote something healthy like self care and being independent,

they were left to just be taken care of for the duration of their relationships. in my honest opinion,

people should be able to at least help take care of themselves in a rrelationshipor no. i easily

acknowledge that it's hard and sometimes people just can't do it but i speak in terms of the majority.

you can't really use something being the core of a dynamic as an excuse not to have to learn how

to be an independent person. if you say it's not real life, well then, what happens when it is real life

they have to deal with? when going to apply for jobs, going to work, and not having the luxury to be

with their Daddy at all times? it's just another way that self love, care, and mental health seep into

the rest of life. at some point, it's something everyone has to deal with. this is something between

two adults and if they want to consent to living that way, so be it. it's just my opinion that it's dangerous.

minus the certain examples, caregivers and their littles both should learn some form of self-care that

can be practiced. as far as learning self-care. that's something that feels totally okay to do WITH a

caregiver but sitting in a relationship being and doing what you want doesn't feel right to me. to

leave all that stress and what not up to the caregiver to take care of someone who refuses to learn

how to take care of themselves. i suppose with this, i can see where you're coming from but the danger

of not dealing and thinking about the consequences outside of a relationship won't stop yelling at me.

do you see where i'm coming from though?

but THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR EXPLAINING YOUR USE OF LITTLE SPACE AS A COPING

METHOD. as far as that section went, that's all i really asked for. i don't know too much about it

because when something happens i'm generally so far from little it's not even funny and then i

have difficulty retrieving the feeling again. there's nothing wrong with questioning how things

work when you simply don't understand. you ask. you get informed. you make an educated opinion

about myon the matter then instead of one of ignorance. i rather have people about my

people my relationship/cgl/anything for that matter. personal experiences are hard to google.

as a whole, what cg/l is to you doesn't necessarily mean it's the same to the next person. some

people live the dynamic as a life, some people choose to at certain parts of their people may

implement only like the bedroom parts of it. implement the other kinks that people put in. such as d/s -

sometimes it's more serious and not some light play for someone, again, a lifestyle that is lived

so i just can't see cg/l, in my own eyes, as something that's about not being real and avoiding things.

# 3 was about how new littles are often misinformed of the dynamic and think it has to be a certain

way otherwise they're not a little. it had nothing to do with people thinking if they're right for the

dynamic or not. that they have to have rules, punishments, rewards, or whatever else it is that

they see others doing and assume they have to apply it to their relationship. so, it's much less

about actually BEING in a relationship with a caregiver and more along the lines that you don't

have to fit into this shape to be a little. by knowing this in the first place, which i don't mind

reminding people of so they feel more comfortable in who they are and what they're doing, you

don't need to go through the pain, trial and errors that misinformation brings. knowing that you

don't HAVE to be a certain way can be a lifesaver in itself. could save a person, people, or

relationships. to learn that you're allowed to have expectations and that if someone is doing

something that makes you uncomfortable or something you just flat out hate, it's okay to

speak up and tell them you don't like it, that it's okay not to have it in your relationship. that

it's okay to break off from a daddy you don't like and can't click with but it's also totally okay

to stay and try to fix things.

generally if one knows that you should communicate, it shouldn't take a forum to tell you that you

need to talk to them. like i said, often times when people do ask they're asking what to do vs how

to express their feelings. no matter what type of thread i answer, i suggest both communicating

and ways to communicate. and then that's basically all that thread is. with a simple forum search,

it's easy enough to find. i don't think i'm uncompassionate because of the questions i have, i'm

compassionate when i speak to people. when i answer threads. to go out of my way to do show

in itself shows a level of compassion that most people don't bother with, i may not sugar coat but

i approach them as the adults they wanted to be treated as and i do just that. treat them as adults.

it's not that i don't have compassion for people who don't educate themselves before diving head

first into things, it's just that i question why it's done in the first place. i get the excitement of being a

new caregiver/little/middle and what have you, it just doesn't strike me as the best way to take things.

having a bad experience your first time can deter people from trying again and forever stain the

dynamic. and then there are those who just keep on keepin' on.

#4 was because, like i said before, people are often wailing on daddies for doing what they do. how

they do it. and sure enough, instead of communicating they're often shat on. but being a little doesn't

magically make it so that they're the only party that matters, that it's okay to nitpick about your partner

on the forum where they can't see the awful shit said about them or the suggestions that they should

be broken up with simply because they didn't punish a little for doing something bad, or they're not

enforcing the rules, or whatever else may be out there. because often times, i see that. instead of

questioning what happened, it's automatic caregiver blame. i've made a post about it before and

received positive feedback that yes, a lot of littles here do things like this. i get that life isn't fair but

it doesn't suddenly make it not being fair that caregivers are attacked and blamed way too often.

thank you for taking the time out of your day to give such a long and thoughtful reply. it's deeply appreciated.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Candy Minx ♡

April 18, 2017

My little definitely uses little space and age regression to cope with her depression, she would be "little" 24/7 if i went along with it. But as what i would consider, a responsible caregiver, i have to remind her many times that she has to deal with adult things on her own, or us together, and cant just rely on our little space to go through life.

One thing is for sure though, i would much rather have her cope with her depression with little space, than i would to have her jacked up on anti depressants all the time. Like her psychiatrist and/or therapist wants to do.

April 19, 2017

So, I am not a very active member on this forum and prefer reading threads and observing more than responding. However, I feel inclined to reply to this post. I respect your views and your stance, and while I don't intend to offend you personally, I think some of the things you have said make you come off as a little presumptuous.

In regards to # 2, little space IS used as a coping mechanism and/or to escape stresses of daily life in very much the same way being a caregiver brings joy and satisfaction to the daddy/mommy. Additionally, what needs to be made clear and understood is the fact that a relationship with a DD/lg dynamic is an adult relationship between two adults, first and foremost. Any type of connection between two adults (so long as it's not a harmful or abusive case) cannot be fully understood by any person existing outside of that connection/relationship. In my view, this is why external judgement ceases to matter. If a little feels cared for and loved if her daddy reminds her to take her medicine, then that is fine. Similarly, if a daddy suffers from depression and derives support for healing from his little needing him, that is okay too. Humans are social creatures that need love and support, especially in times of hardship. It's okay to admit that. It's why we thrive in community settings. I think you're bringing up at large the issue of a co-dependent relationship. I 100% agree that it is dangerous and obviously if someone only wants to take care of themselves because they're in a relationship that's a problem. However if the little is otherwise capable of caring for themselves, then whatever dynamic exists between a daddy and the little, why they need each other, how they need each other, does not concern me and is none of my business. I think it is generally regarded by the majority that recovering from mental illness needs to be a conscious decision made by the person that's ill, but the process is made much quicker and easier when there are people there for you. This is true for any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

As for younger littles that are between 18 to early 20's (I am only 20 myself) seeking knowledge/asking seemingly basic questions... it's safe to say that, well, it's a matter of age and inexperience. That is not a bad thing. The late teens to early/mid 20's is a time for growth in a variety of ways. I doubt anyone at this time period in their lives has everything figured out, and least of all something like BDSM or DD/lg. Being active and engaging in something is the best way to learn. It's also normal if the younger crowd feel they want to use little space to avoid adult responsibilities. No, I'm not saying it's a mature or wise thing to do. Acting immaturely is just a part of being young. Reality hits you at one point or another. People grow up and grow out of things.

Anyway my point is that I understand where you're coming from and it's great you wanted to get your thoughts out there and also maybe guide someone or give advice. However there is no specific right way of doing things regarding most things in life. Live and let live. There are far more important things we should be focusing our energy and attention on.

April 19, 2017

1) as a dom, my goal is for a little to no longer need me, to be able to rationalize and figure out problems on her own. Part of this is - if she needs meds or professional therapy - is to convince her it's what's best for her so she will no longer need my direction. I've had quite a bit of psychology courses while getting degreed that I feel like I have the whole DSM archived in my brain, so that helps finding solutions. As a dom I feel doms should have their sh1t together and be mentally healthy and wise before putting on the mentor/dom/cg hat. A dom seeking retribution of sorts at the end of the relationship should be blacklisted from the ddlg community forever. Dom has the ability to convince their little into bettering themselves (yes daddy/mommy) in a way which no real parent can (in one ear out the other)

2) coping mechanisms by definition is what one does to cope with problems. but the dom/cg should not let the problem exist without being dealt with. this includes reminders and suggestions on how to overcome this. if a regiment of meds or psychological treatment is needed (cognitive behavioral therapy, or for specific past events) then that is the ultimate solution, not regressing into little space.

3) see problems with this, like a little will talk about the darkest moments of her life, yet neglect communicating something so ordinary, that I can't fathom why it wasn't brought up, can ruin the relationship.

4) If a daddy makes a mistake with a little, it's multipled in negative feedback compared to normal bf/gf situation. Something dominants have to accept

Edited April 19, 2017 by blumonkey

April 19, 2017

So, I am not a very active member on this forum and prefer reading threads and observing more than responding. However, I feel inclined to reply to this post. I respect your views and your stance, and while I don't intend to offend you personally, I think some of the things you have said make you come off as a little presumptuous.

In regards to # 2, little space IS used as a coping mechanism and/or to escape stresses of daily life in very much the same way being a caregiver brings joy and satisfaction to the daddy/mommy. Additionally, what needs to be made clear and understood is the fact that a relationship with a DD/lg dynamic is an adult relationship between two adults, first and foremost. Any type of connection between two adults (so long as it's not a harmful or abusive case) cannot be fully understood by any person existing outside of that connection/relationship. In my view, this is why external judgement ceases to matter. If a little feels cared for and loved if her daddy reminds her to take her medicine, then that is fine. Similarly, if a daddy suffers from depression and derives support for healing from his little needing him, that is okay too. Humans are social creatures that need love and support, especially in times of hardship. It's okay to admit that. It's why we thrive in community settings. I think you're bringing up at large the issue of a co-dependent relationship. I 100% agree that it is dangerous and obviously if someone only wants to take care of themselves because they're in a relationship that's a problem. However if the little is otherwise capable of caring for themselves, then whatever dynamic exists between a daddy and the little, why they need each other, how they need each other, does not concern me and is none of my business. I think it is generally regarded by the majority that recovering from mental illness needs to be a conscious decision made by the person that's ill, but the process is made much quicker and easier when there are people there for you. This is true for any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

As for younger littles that are between 18 to early 20's (I am only 20 myself) seeking knowledge/asking seemingly basic questions... it's safe to say that, well, it's a matter of age and inexperience. That is not a bad thing. The late teens to early/mid 20's is a time for growth in a variety of ways. I doubt anyone at this time period in their lives has everything figured out, and least of all something like BDSM or DD/lg. Being active and engaging in something is the best way to learn. It's also normal if the younger crowd feel they want to use little space to avoid adult responsibilities. No, I'm not saying it's a mature or wise thing to do. Acting immaturely is just a part of being young. Reality hits you at one point or another. People grow up and grow out of things.

Anyway my point is that I understand where you're coming from and it's great you wanted to get your thoughts out there and also maybe guide someone or give advice. However there is no specific right way of doing things regarding most things in life. Live and let live. There are far more important things we should be focusing our energy and attention on.

i don't think i came off as presumptuous, i'm simply questioning something i don't

necessarily fully understand and wish for some input. i put in the time and effort

into finding out. not knowing and looking for enlightenment over the situation isn't

presumptuous.

i don't really have much to say to you due to the fact that missing a single word

in my post made it seem as if i'm against littles wanting a caregiver a part of

their active mental care treatment regimen.

i found the mistake and fixed it.

age and inexperience are factors in any sort of relationship, friends or any other

type, that i understand. we have no control over what people engage in and once

they turn 18 it's a free game to anyone who wants to get into anything because it's

legal and they can. my point wasn't necessarily directed at age, it was more of an

'these issues are often had by younger littles'.

no, there's not a specific right way to live life but there are healthy and unhealthy.

April 19, 2017

1. Mental Health

We should never presume to understand what a person is suffering from nor what care they need. You say you see examples where the little expects the big to just “do” all of the caring for him/her. You know what, so do I. I see it all the time. And with some background knowledge, a lot of those cases, the CG is helping the little learn how to properly care for him/herself.

Ex: Daddy tells me every day I need to take ten before I react. Take ten seconds before I make an emotional decision. Why does Daddy make me do this? Because he knows I have social anxiety and those ten seconds allow me to ground myself through my senses instead of running and hiding or crying or being upset. Daddy tells me to take ten. Now I know taking ten really helps. So I should be good and do it for now on.

We must always remember - what we think we see with someone with mental illness is only ever the tip of the iceberg. And not only that, but take into consideration the knowledge of the CG. If they are truly taking care of a little with mental illness, they are fully aware.

I agree with you - using a CG to relinquish all responsibility for your own illness is downright cruel. And to do so puts the one with mental illness at the most risk. The CG can ultimately walk away, the little cannot walk away from their own mind. But that happens less and less than what you would think. This behavior should never be encouraged and is dangerous to those involved. I actually wrote about this at the end of a piece of mine (Why We Should Be Single - https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12930-why-we-need-to-be-single/?p=70328 ) because I feel so strongly about it.

2.) Coping Method

Every single lifestyle ever made within the BDSM community is a coping method. Name one, and I can tell you how. Every. Single. One. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. And it shouldn’t be looked upon in a negative light. We ALL need coping methods. Littles simply use a more brightly colored and fluffy method of coping with their stressors.

I’ll use myself as an example, in two light:

Bree the Sub - I utilize the D/s dynamic as a way to ground me in my own Alpha mentality. I work hard, I lead people, I solve problems, I take care of the family, friends and so much more. Rarely do I truly get to be the one who is allowed to sit back and listen instead of giving the orders or figuring the next move. Having a Dom in my life is my coping method to my strenuous day-to-day. I know that I don’t have to make every decision. I know the only decision I have to make is to follow him. And I do. And this is healthy for me. This is my method because it allows me to breathe and feel free.

Bree the Little - I have found I can only be little when I am with my Daddy, and I know it is because he is the source of my, new, primary coping method. Being little actually allows me to express myself easier. When little I get to say things that are emotional and not just logical. I get to put myself first, for the first time, instead of everyone else. I’m allowed to be me as a little and with my Daddy. And, so far, nothing has de-stressed or been as relaxing in my life.

A common reason for people to turn to BDSM (because CGl is a BDSM branch) is due to a past trauma (mental, physical, sexual, etc). These lifestyles empower that person and allow them to control who they are going to be. When it comes to DDlg (and BDSM), the sub ultimately has all the power (in his or her dynamic). Why? Because they decide who they express this part of themselves to. They decide who they open up to, who they are vulnerable with, etc. Sure the CG also has power and control - but for someone with a past trauma, this capability helps the heal and grow more than anything else. And therefore is extremely beneficial to everyone involved.

For some people, life is too much. And honestly, as long as they safe, stable and not harming/draining anyone, it’s a moot point. If it works for them, it works. Which means it is healthy. Of course, to every end of the spectrum, there is an opposite. There will always be littles who use littlespace to avoid adulting. And you know what… oh well. There will always be people who going into anything for selfish reasons. But by and large, that percentage is always minimal.

3.) Tall Order

Here I agree and disagree with you. I think a major issue that people don't understand is that this dynamic is so enormously fluid. There are so many types of CGs and littles that it is hard for one to truly know what they like without trying it all. I actually wrote a piece on the differentiation of these elements and I think it honestly comes down to misunderstanding of what the dynamic can even be. As well as miscommunication.

Lets not forget though, there is a difference from having standards and having a tall order. I knew my "tall order" was higher than most because of the specific traits I knew I needed in a partner. I've kept myself out of a relationship for 3+ years because I knew that without these traits I wouldn't be happy and that isn't something I should foist onto a partner. But no one should be looked down upon for having high standards. No one should be looked down upon for any standards they have. Those are what make us who we are. I knew it would be a long time before I met someone who I could connect with because of my "tall order," and now that I am here, with him, I can honestly say it was the most worthwhile wait. I agree that littles shouldn't base their dream Daddy off of tumblr, or the media or someone else, but rather base it off of themselves. That's where all of the disgruntled relationships come into play. A little (or CG) think they want something because they saw it once was was like "aw, that's cute," only to realize that it wasn't for them. So yes, understanding that potential CGs aren't going to feed into your every whim and desire is a very real, and very necessary perspective to have. I agree completely.

But where I disagree with you is your last statement - How can two people, new to the dynamic, know exactly what to disclose to each other if they don’t even know themselves? My Daddy is in his 30’s and I am in my mid 20’s. Neither of us knew what to expect when we came together. We expressed what we thought we would like. But now that we are together, in a relationship, we have discovered dozens of details we didn’t even know existed. And that, that, is the beautiful part of a relationship. Getting to know the ins and outs, growing together. I never knew X, Y, and Z about him, just like he didn’t know A, B and C about me. But you know what? Those surprises have made it even better for the both of us. And relatively speaking, we are new to the dynamic in that I’ve never had a Daddy and he has never had a little.

And it always happens on both ends - I have been told countless times that I am not a real little (by Daddies) because I don’t act according to how they perceive what littles should be. Actually, I have been told by other littles (on this forum) that I am not a real little because I don’t like pink, glitter and can’t just be little whenever I want.

4.) Communication

I am actually in the middle of writing a pretty lengthy piece of communication, so I am going to skip over this part here.

5.) Caregivers

I agree with you on this section completely. However I think we do need to realize that the predator to victim ratio is higher with the males being the predators. Am I saying that littles can’t be just as destructive? Absolutely not because they 100% can be, and have been. But this mob mentality is very unhealthy, like you said. I think it comes down to the safety in numbers, honestly.

But what needs to be focused on, in my opinion, is what you said. Caregivers are people too. Not only are they a person, but they are a person who has willingly stepped into a relationship//dynamic where they are now responsible (in some way) for another adult. This is extremely taxing and draining for anyone, but these special people find it rewarding and love it (even when it frustrates them). Which is why littles need to remember that CGs have bad days. They forget things. They are our superheroes but they are not superhuman. We littles have just as much of a responsibility to taking care of our Daddies (and Mommies) as they do with us. It is called a power exchange because we give them the strength to care for us. And that should never be forgotten. Without our support and our care and our love, they can’t (and shouldn’t) do it on their own.

I suppose what needs to be taken from this post (yours and everyone who has replied) is this:

Something healthy for one person, is destructive for another. Someone who seems selfish from the outside is the most caring person privately. And yes, some of the most thoughtful acts can have malicious tendencies. But the bottom line is this - the only way to determine what is healthy for a person, is ultimately for that person to decide. I know I have made many pieces expressing my concern with similar issues (Instant Gratification, LDR, Lack of Knowledge, etc) but I want to thank you because your post has kind of forced me to get off my high horse and look at it from both sides. Typically I am the one pointing out the unhealthy dynamic because of this and that. But I felt challenged to highlight to good in the scenarios from your post. Again, thank you. ^_^

And most importantly - keep asking questions and voicing your opinions! That’s the only way we all can learn something new!

April 19, 2017

Okay so I've been wanting to reply to this since yesterday, but I've been looking for the right words. I still don't feel I have them, but let me try anyways.

1) mental health

I'm not sure if what I have is what you consider a mental health issue, but I'm relatively sure by definition it is. I have intense social anxiety in any situation with people whom I'm unfamiliar with. This is rampant and can be debilitating at times. It literally makes me sick. I don't order my food at reateraunts and never go out to eat alone. I'm 23, I've done this my whole life. I can't look at the servers, it makes me want to throw up. My husband who is also my Daddy has ordered my food for me long before we discovered DDlg. I tell him what I want, he orders. We've been together for 4.5 years. Prior to him, my mother ordered. If I'm in a situation where I MUST order my own food, I open up the menu and say "I want this.".

I also have general anxiety. I can't pick where we're going to eat, what we're going to do, what color we should paint a room. I'm too afraid of making the "wrong choice". See above, my social anxiety. My Daddy knows this. He challenges me still. When we got together it was a lot of "what do you want to do? Where do you want to eat?" Now it's "do you want this or this". He picks most of the time, but probably every 3rd time he asks me. I need this. As an adult, who is in a management role and the mother of 2, I need to be able to make choices.

Oddly enough, neither of my anxieties effect my workplace at all. I work in a very people oriented field and excell at it. I get little to no anxiety at work, period.

2) coping mechanism

Guilty.

I do use little space to cope with my past traumas and my anxiety. I am not dependent on it, though. I can be "big" and still cope. This is just an easier space for me. I can do extra special little things (coloring is my favorite), de-stress and come back out completely refreshed and ready to deal with the situation at hand.

I don't think your post was meant to be offensive, that's why I've taken so long thinking of a reply. However, the wording of it could be hurtful. The written language is so... complicated and nearly impossible to determine intent through. And humans, especially those who have suffered any type of trauma, are quick to defend themselves. Fight or flight is a natural survival technique, and after being forced into one or the other enough times you tend to jump to one or the other more naturally.

Thank you for your post and your trying to help us understand situations that could be dangerous to ones mental/emotional health.

April 19, 2017

i don't think i came off as presumptuous, i'm simply questioning something i don't

necessarily fully understand and wish for some input. i put in the time and effort

into finding out. not knowing and looking for enlightenment over the situation isn't

presumptuous.

i don't really have much to say to you due to the fact that missing a single word

in my post made it seem as if i'm against littles wanting a caregiver a part of

their active mental care treatment regimen.

i found the mistake and fixed it.

age and inexperience are factors in any sort of relationship, friends or any other

type, that i understand. we have no control over what people engage in and once

they turn 18 it's a free game to anyone who wants to get into anything because it's

legal and they can. my point wasn't necessarily directed at age, it was more of an

'these issues are often had by younger littles'.

no, there's not a specific right way to live life but there are healthy and unhealthy.

Okay, that's fair.

April 19, 2017

with #3 i was sort of going for a 'guys you don't have to do it the way you see it

on the internet to BE a little'. more of things are going to be different from

everyone else since this dynamic is such a fluid one, don't fret and less of a

you can't have standards or high standards for someone. but with my last line

i can get where you're coming from. when i wrote that line in my head it meant

knowing what you're getting into before you get into it by understanding that

everything won't be the same for every party. could've expressed that much

better.

i really, REALLY want to let you both know how much i appreciate not only your

responses but not responding/treating me as if i was attempting a personal

attack on anyone, 'specially over the little space coping part.

and as Babygirl said, i wasn't trying to attack or be hurtful by what i was saying.

i took a lot of time to try and get my words right before i actually posted it, i was

hoping the way it was now wouldn't end up with me getting backlash. i'd like

feeling attacked and ganged up on as much as the next person.

April 20, 2017

I'm actually a little surprised at the responses to this post. I feel it's a very well thought out analysis of issues found in a CG/l dynamic and I don't see where the OP is attempting to discredit anyone's means of doing their thing.

With that said, I don't think it's worth saying that I agree with every point given. I've seen these issues mostly on the Tumblr front and on various other forums. I've seen Littles who use the CG/l dynamic as an excuse to never deal with real life issues they have - which causes a worsening of the issues as a consequence, Littles who use the dynamic as a way to never grow up and hold themselves accountable for their actions, Littles who promote and push romanticized depictions of what a Dom or Little should be and fling insults at whoever doesn't fit the mold, and more often, Littles who will jump into a relationship with anyone who carries the word "Dominant" as a title with little or no knowledge of what the dynamic is all about, safety protocols, what they want out of the relationship etc. etc. . Often, there is little communication that clearly defines what each partner wants out of the relationship. I always always stress the importance of knowing for yourself rather than taking anyone else's word as gospel, not to say that you can't learn great tricks from another individual, but knowing nothing leaves you extremely vulnerable to predators who want nothing more than to live out a fantasy and get their jollies off.

I'm so glad you brought up instances where the Dominant is constantly blamed for being the big bad wolf whereas the Little is coddled and told they're good no matter what the circumstance; It's an injustice that I almost never see brought up. I'm all for coping methods and being able to unwind and let go, but I fail to see how it's beneficial for anyone if the Little is never expected to be an adult and the Dominant is expected to be the adult for them. I cannot tell you how many times I've seen Littles use their emotions and headspace to manipulate and play head games just so they can fulfill their version of what the dynamic is supposed to be. As much as the Caregiver may be seen as a superhero to the Little, they're nothing but human with limited capabilities, wants and needs just like any Little.

I can't speak on using CG/l as a coping mechanism - because I don't see it like that - but as I said above, whenever it gets to a point where your headspace is constantly being used as an excuse to not deal with real life or there's no effort whatsoever to deal with issues you may be facing, that's when there's a problem and that's when it's unhealthy. At least that's how I see it. There are many Littles who are under the notion that having a Caregiver will solve all their problems or expect their Caregiver to magically get rid of internal issues without having to do any work themselves, and I feel like that's never touched on in the community because Littles are supposed to be delicate and needy to the point where they rely on their Caregiver for everything - which again brings to attention romanticized versions of what a CG/l dynamic is supposed to be. Like you, I have a lot of questions about using the headspace or CG/l on a whole as a coping mechanism.

At this point I feel like I'm rambling, but I really want to thank you for this post. These are very well thought out and objective points that I'm sure lots will find useful.

April 20, 2017

Thank you @mlkykit for being a rational human being who uses logic rather than tumblr opinions to live their life. You just described 90% of this forums users. *Sips tea* Edited April 20, 2017 by pengudaddy

April 22, 2017

First let me say that I really enjoy your posts because they are generally thoughtful and thought provoking. This one in particular has had me thinking since it was originally posted. Some of the points you brought up I hadn't considered before and some I've been wrestling with recently. Hopefully we can both learn from each other in the process.

1.) littles who want a caregiver for mental health reasons.

this one i've seen all too often, littles who want a caregiver so that said cg

can take care of their mental health. wait. before you get offended, i don't mean

littles who want a cg to remind them to take their medicine, encourage them

on a healthy path, to get better for, who wants the encouragement to seek

help or continue treatments. this goes for multiple mental illnesses, depression

bipolar l & ll, anxiety of any type, eating disorders, addictions, etc.

with me, there's a big difference between wanting those things but doing it for

yourself and being able to do it WITHOUT a caregiver vs someone wanting

these things to refuse to grow up and learn how to take care of themselves. so,

generally when i see someone asking for a caregiver just for these needs - it

strikes me as dangerous mentally and emotionally to BOTH parties as well as a

level of immaturity with said little. we should be able to take care of ourselves

without relying on your partner to take care of you in that sense. what if the little

and caregiver split up? what would that little do now that the person who was

being the adult for her is no longer there and they don't know how to be an adult

themselves? that's why it strikes me as dangerous. going down the path of a

mental illness being untreated and unacknowledged can be an excruciating

experience no one should have to go through. so, is it okay for a little to depend

and take care of themselves solely because they are now in a relationship? i've

seen people console and tell others it's okay to be this type of little and it's worrisome

that someone could support turning into that without being able to have their dynamic.

that being said, it doesn't seem like the cg and little would be equals with one another.

which, a large majority of the littles i see like this are very young, seems as if on some

level it stunts that developing time where they're blossoming into adults and breaking

away from their parents, starting life out as an adult. that, in my honest opinion, is

something everyone needs. that period to become an adult and learn to care for

themselves.

As a person with several mental illnesses that I have struggled long and hard to live with, I can see both sides. I wholeheartedly agree that is critical that a person know how to care for themselves and their illnesses first and foremost. It is also critical that the CG be knowledgeable about what effects their little and how best to handle a problem situation. However, that is a far cry from the CG being responsible for the little's recovery and, in the US at least, NAMI does hold educational group programming to help family and close friends be supportive to a patient without being codependent.

I agree that it is tempting to for a person early in the adult stages of their recovery to want to be saved, so to speak, rather than work to meet their needs. Initially it could feel more like a mentoring relationship but that inequality doesn't create the sound basis for a lasting relationship. It is also very dangerous to anyone close to the patient if there is a significant increase in symptomology due to a change in the efficacy of the treatment, compliance to treatment, or simply increased severity of the condition. This scenario can also foster codependency which generally doesn't do anyone any good. Whether this stunts maturity could be argued but I'm inclined to agree that it is akin to coddling and would be detrimental. This does seem to be predominantly in the younger ages and those newer to their recovery journey.

The problem I see is that there will always be a fine line in any intimate relationship where one or more parties has a mental illness. I'm going to use myself as an example because my experience is the only one I can speak to. In addition to multiple physical health issues, I have Bipolar II with rapid cycling, Borderline Personality Disorder, and ADHD. While complex PTSD isn't in the DSM-V, I would qualify according to the guidelines that are loosely agreed upon. For the most part I take care of myself passably well though I do sometimes forget my meds, to eat, or completely function like the average person. I make, and keep, all of my own appointments, arrange transportation, pick up medications, and stay informed on all aspects of my care. Those are not things I need a CG to provide 85% of the time. However, I am not a person lucky enough to stop cycling, still have horrific nightmares, struggle with the skills I've learned over the last 23 years, and occasionally end up in the hospital despite my best efforts to maintain stability. That 15% of the time, I am almost completely dependent on the interventions of others whether it be my providers, family, or friends. Certainly the providers are the first line of defense whenever humanly possible.

Those weak moments are when I most want someone to be there to take care of me. The same risk of codependency is still there as well as the possibility of stunting recovery. For me the question then is whether or not both well informed parties agree that the benefits for all sides outweigh the risks to all sides. Also, given the risk in that 15% of the time, I think it will be hard to navigate for all parties so that everyone remains as healthy as possible. It falls on the shoulders of all involved to learn and prepare for the worst during a time of relative health and stability and should never be undertaken lightly. I think the risk is equal to a little when the CG has an illness and suddenly a little could find themselves needing to take care of the their "rock." No matter the diligence of the patient, there are high risks and this dynamic opens the door for a lot of hurt on the side of the party without the severe symptoms.

2.) littles who use being little as a coping method.

this is something i've only ever been able to see written about in the forums, so, how i

see may not be the way things truly are. feel free to correct me.

from what i see, there are more than half of the littles around here who go into their

'little space' to cope with their issues. does this mean it's something it's done to avoid

the issue? the way most explain it is that, when life throws adult level things at them,

they instead go to little space to avoid having to deal with it. and i've seen my fair share

of people who decide not to address the issue at all. isn't this something to be seen as

also dangerous? it sounds, to me, more like an excuse to not have to deal with things

they don't want to. popping into that space and refusing to come out almost sounds

frustrating to have to deal with. then again, this is something i also have seemed to find

in the younger little crowd, generally 18/19/20/21 year old.

to me? it sounds unhealthy and yet more avoidance in adult life. i mean it's a coping skill

but it is a safe or healthy one? i'm sure there are people who use it healthier, such as

after a long, stressful day at work you come home, cuddle up with your cg, a movie, and

a juice box and you're in little space. you're destressing, you're dealing with adult issues

in a little space mindset, and it's healthy. i'd like to hear about the littles who use it as a

coping method in any sort of way though, for a better understanding.

To a certain degree I use little space to cope with very difficult issues. It looks differently for each situation but I never use it to avoid an issue. Extended conversations with my therapist have illuminated that that's where the line is between reasonable regression that many people indulge in to some degree and pathological regression. You are correct that the healthier use of little space is to handle the stress from adulting.

Most typically, being little helps me do a few things that improve my overall mental health. Little me can find small joys and positives in troubling circumstances that big me can't always. Similarly, little me can sometimes create fun during menial tasks that overwhelm big me that simply sees the never-ending To Do list. Little me definitely relaxes more easily so that I can take breaks from the stressful situation without ignoring it. For example, I have a little bottle of bubbles on my computer desk. When I am very overwhelmed with school, I can take a couple deep breaths, blow some bubbles and let go of a little of that tension. I still go back to the schoolwork but I have taken a short little space vacation. Probably most important to me is that little me more readily expresses what I am feeling. This isn't useful at say, the grocery store, but is very useful when I am drawing or talking to someone. For the most part I can succeed in these things while big but it is easier while little. I hope that makes some sense.

3.) littles who treat the dynamic as if 'you have to be this tall to ride this ride'.

i've seen more than my fair share of littles, very new and very freshly 18/19/20, who have

claimed to just find the life but manage to quickly start a relationship, having a cg who is

usually roughly the same age ( be upset or offended with me but most of the issues i see

are with this crowd and i'm not afraid to address that as a big issue either. ) but, there are

suddenly hundreds of problems now that you're in a dd/lg relationship. ' i see daddies do

this, i want my daddy to do that, why doesn't my daddy do this,' etcetc. this falls into

misunderstanding and misinformation. it seems a lot of people want their caregiver to

fall into a cookie-cutter caregiver that's suppose to be 100% perfect, take care of you always,

and never mess up. and that any daddy that doesn't fit their standards is considered a fake

caregiver and end up insulted. i've seen a lot of insults flung at daddies here who don't do

something 100% the way the little likes. or them being upset because it's not the cg/l they

saw with other couples or from movies/tvs/comics/fanficts/etc. it just doesn't seem healthy

to me for someone to form their relationship on something else they saw - and have that

something else be uncomfortable for one or more in the ship. at the end of the day, some of

these questions basically translate into "why isn't daddy like the rest" or "how do i be a little".

there's no 100% surefire way to be a little. or a daddy.

i know some of you can claim that they're asking because they're new but if they're already

participating in a relationship, it should be known by both parties what's up. know what you're

doing before you engage.

I don't have a current relationship but I do struggle with the concepts of it having to be one way or another. I think this is partially driven by my symptomology in that I constantly analyze and try to be/create/do my absolute best. (All or nothing for the win?) That said, I am fortunate that the people that taught and continue to teach me my basics for D/s and DD/lg were taught by "old leather." It isn't enough to keep me from comparing all together, but it has helped to temper the feelings of inadequacy or frustration on a whole. I suppose I will just have to see if this holds up with I have a Big.

I agree that the younger people and very, very new to the dynamic seem to be the most likely to jump the gun without all of the information and therefore make superficial judgements on the quality of the relationship on both sides.

4.) communicating

this one's huge. i say it but we've all see it. the same 8 questions asked

by the general younger age group. and every answer ends up being 'talk to your partner' no,

not many ask HOW to talk to them, suggest ways to address an issue, mostly just 'i have a

problem, it's making me depressed, how do i fix it'. in a vanilla relationship you have to talk

to your partner, that doesn't magically change once you switch into a new dynamic or if you're

testing the waters. actually, i feel if you enter the world of bdsm communication becomes THAT

much more important. sometimes it's scary to think that there are littles and caregivers alike

out there who don't understand or know such a basic rule of a relationship yet they engage

into something like cg/l. i know for a fact i'm not the only one who has noticed it, i've seen a lot

of the more frequent posters giving shorter, blunt answers to things where the answer is 'talk

to your partner'. they're allowed to be tired of it, it's human. sure, let someone else answer it?

that's beside the point.

I am so glad you brought this up! I have talked with a couple little friends here that had no concept of the kinds of in depth conversations that are needed in a total power exchange dynamic. Yes, every relationship requires open and honest communication; however, for the trust and security to remain between the Big and little, it is even more critical. In general, I think it can be easy for those that are only engaged in the dynamic online or that don't have much experience to discredit the importance of communication and as a community we need to stress that vigilantly. We also need to teach people what to ask for in the sense of "how do I" instead of "what do I." The what is almost always to communicate but the how is harder.

4.) the lack of concern for a little's caregiver.

i have seen so many daddies being wailed on for doing something wrong by someone's standards

and then there's a sudden influx of people comforting the person and telling them their daddy was

wrong for something that, given the chance you ask the right questions, realize he wasn't in the

wrong or that he didn't know he was wrong in the first place because they're expected to be mind

readers! and not just littles dis on daddies, i've seen more of the macho man group beat their chests

and direct that they assume dominance without speaking to the little to figure out what they want

first and immediately throw shade at the caregiver for making any sort of mistake in the first place. i think

sometimes people forget that caregivers are people, too. they have wants, needs, desires, they're not

perfect, they're still working on living their life, they still make mistakes, they're still learning, you never

stop learning. for some reason, here at least, it seems less acceptable for a caregiver to make a mistake

vs a little making a mistake.

i've seen it happen where people run to comfort the little but if a caregiver would've posted they

would've asked what they did to upset the little - as if a little can do no wrong. this bothers me. a lot.

like, a lot a lot. you'll often find me commenting in a favoring light of the caregiver ( with very few others

who do so as well ) questioning if he knew what he did was wrong, if there was any type of communication

going on between the two before, during, or after the issue happened. because, like i said, a lot of them

have simple communication issues.

I agree. It takes all parties to make it work and all parties to make it fail. While Bigs hold a significant amount of sway, littles have responsibilities in the relationship, too. Every failed relationship is an opportunity for both sides to learn where to improve. There is no room or value in shaming one party over the other instead of holding all parties accountable. The focus needs to remain on helping everyone be their best in their chosen roles so that it always remain safe, sane, and consensual.

Thank you again for the post!

April 22, 2017

1) as a dom, my goal is for a little to no longer need me, to be able to rationalize and figure out problems on her own. Part of this is - if she needs meds or professional therapy - is to convince her it's what's best for her so she will no longer need my direction. I've had quite a bit of psychology courses while getting degreed that I feel like I have the whole DSM archived in my brain, so that helps finding solutions. As a dom I feel doms should have their sh1t together and be mentally healthy and wise before putting on the mentor/dom/cg hat. A dom seeking retribution of sorts at the end of the relationship should be blacklisted from the ddlg community forever. Dom has the ability to convince their little into bettering themselves (yes daddy/mommy) in a way which no real parent can (in one ear out the other)

2) coping mechanisms by definition is what one does to cope with problems. but the dom/cg should not let the problem exist without being dealt with. this includes reminders and suggestions on how to overcome this. if a regiment of meds or psychological treatment is needed (cognitive behavioral therapy, or for specific past events) then that is the ultimate solution, not regressing into little space.

3) see problems with this, like a little will talk about the darkest moments of her life, yet neglect communicating something so ordinary, that I can't fathom why it wasn't brought up, can ruin the relationship.

4) If a daddy makes a mistake with a little, it's multipled in negative feedback compared to normal bf/gf situation. Something dominants have to accept

Blumonkey, this has wandered around in my head since yesterday and I am curious. Do you see DD/lg as a temporary dynamic overall or do you simply not wish it to be permanent? Personally, I have a case manager and therapist who have the goal of working themselves out of a job with me. I understand and expect this of them because I will hopefully grow and be sufficiently stable enough to not need their services. However, I would not expect the same of my DD even if the exact nature of the roles changed over time.

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when's it time to say no? when is it dangerous? & mental health. (tw: mentions of trauma)

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