Difficulty Communicating About Being Little? (long post)

[alotalittle]

I'll start by giving a little bit of history (and I'll try not to get too longwinded): My partner and I have been together for three and a half years and we are engaged and love each other very much. You might even see me referencing him and our relationship in a lot of the responses/replies that I give on here. Keep in mind that my partner and I both identify as switches these days and actively participate in being each other's Dom and sub. Neither of us wish to change that.

 

For the first year and a half of our relationship we had a DDlg dynamic. When we first started getting into the dynamic, our conversations were very in-depth and he seemed extremely interested in it. However, we were long distance at the time, and once we moved in together, it appeared that he wasn't quite as interested in it as I thought. Our dynamic was fun and I enjoyed it; it certainly "took the edge off" when it came to my little tendencies. Our relationship began struggling a bit, and we had to work through a lot of things. During this time period, I asked that we no longer do the DDlg dynamic because I felt that it was preventing us from working through things. I needed to be in my adult head space full time and I don't regret that at all. 

 

I joined this site to help me get back in touch with my little self (you can see some of my previous postings for more information about that if you wish). I've brought up my little side to my partner many times starting about six months ago, but I always feel like the conversation isn't productive. He offers things to help me, but they're never things that I feel solve the problem. I don't want to bring the dynamic back into our relationship when 1. it's not something he really enjoys and 2. I think it'll eventually cause problems in the relationship. I decided several months ago to drop the issue altogether. I recognize that my little side doesn't fit into my life or his very well and I'm mostly fine with taking care of my little side on my own when I get the chance to do so. 

 

Fast forward to now: My partner brought up my little side the other night very straightforwardly (it honestly startled me). We haven't discussed it in months. We were getting ready to fool around (me being Dom and him sub), so I was really caught off-guard. He basically asked me if I was still thinking about it (and I answered honestly, saying yes, I thought about it often), and he asked me what I thought about. I stammered and struggled to get some broken answers out saying what I thought about, only telling the bare minimum. He told me that he wasn't sure why I struggled with it so much since we had the dynamic before and it wasn't a big deal. I told him that we hadn't gone that deep into the dynamic and that I really hadn't ever shown him my full little side. This surprised him, and he started asking a few more questions, but I was so overwhelmed that we stopped. He said we should talk more about it later and then we went about our evening.

 

This was about two weeks ago and he hasn't brought it up again. I don't really want to bring it up again because, like I said before, I don't think there's any real solutions. I don't want him to participate in a dynamic that he doesn't really like just because I like it. Him tolerating my little side isn't what I want. But I have a feeling that this won't all go away, and he'll bring it up again. I don't know how to communicate about it. 

 

I love our relationship. I love him. I love our Dom/sub dynamics. I love our life together. I just don't think that my little side fits into all that anymore, and I'm learning how to be okay with that. When he brings up my little side again, how can I properly explain all that? Normally, I'm so much better at communicating than this, but when my little side gets brought up, I start shutting down.

 

Mostly, I just want some tips how to prevent myself from shutting down, how to communicate my feelings in a way that's less likely to hurt him/put pressure on him, and possibly, how to tell him more details about my little side (because I know he's somewhat curious) without implying that I want him to be my CG?

[DaddyMs]

The best way is to be open and honest about it; since he brought it up a cpl wks ago, it could be he's waiting on you to mention it again.  Some men don't take to the Daddy role quite as quickly as others do and many aren't sure what their role really will be so open communication is a must.  You can tell him how you feel when you're in your Little Space, what your mind set is, what age range you are in- if you have one that is and see how he responds.  Tell him there's no pressure for him to become your caregiver if he's not really into it because you want both of you to enjoy it fully. 

It could be he wants to explore that side but isn't quite sure how to open up to you about it either and by bringing it up, you'll be opening that two-way communication bridge that's vital with something like this. 

I can tell you from personal experience, when I was first introduced to the dd/lg dynamic, I had no earthly idea what was expected of me or if I even wanted to be a part of it. 

[cuppycakes]

I would write him a letter with all of the important things that you want to discuss in it. You could even use this post as a great starting point. You don't even have to give him the letter before he brings it up, but when he does you could either 1. read from it 2. use it as a guide to help you communicate, or 3. give it to him to read.

 

If you do use this method, I would consider annotating the important parts (using highlighters, pens, underlining) to find them easier. That way you don't have to waste time looking for a part while you're discussing. Explain to him right away that you don't want to be overwhelmed, and prepared something with your important points in case he brought it up again. That way you can have a lengthy and uninterrupted conversation together.

 

Even if writing an entire letter sounds a bit much to you, just having a list on your phone could help you stop from freezing up.

 

Do you know exactly why you're freezing up? I know it's probably part anxiety, part awkwardness, part shock, but if you really want to not freeze up, try to really think why you feel that way. If you think you know the answer, then ask again.

"Why do I freeze up?"→"Because it gives me anxiety"→"Why does it give me anxiety?"→"Because ___"→"Why?"→

Keep going until the problem becomes absolute. I just find that any problem I have is easier to solve when I do this. It becomes smaller, more specific, and easier to tackle.

 

You can do it! I see you give great advice to people all the time. Something else that might help is to look on this situation from another person's point of view. If they were asking you for advice, what would you tell them? Then follow your own advice. Good luck ♥

[alotalittle]

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies I really appreciate getting any and all feedback.

 

DaddyMs: I totally agree that honest and open communication is a must. I do my very best to keep my communication that way, even though this one is difficult. I think part of the problem is much of what you mentioned we should discuss are things that we discussed in-depth at the beginning of our relationship (when we first started exploring DDlg). My partner knows a decent amount about my little side, despite us not doing many of the things we had talked about in the beginning. My biggest issue talking about it is due to a conversation we had during the roughest part of our relationship. My partner expressed to me how much pressure it put on him to take on the "daddy" role and how much stress it created for him that he was struggling to handle. However, this conversation took place at a time when he was really grappling with his own identities and needs.

 

cuppycakes: Firstly, thank you for the lovely compliment about me giving good advice Really put a smile on my face. Secondly, writing it out does sound like a good idea. I wouldn't want to read directly from a letter, but maybe giving myself a few talking points to rehearse ahead of time. That could definitely help with feeling of being caught off-guard. I think I freeze up so much because I worry about giving the "wrong answers". Logically, I realize that there are no "right" or "wrong" answers when it comes to your own identity (or parts of your identity), but my little side is fairly complex and if I don't say everything just the right way I worry that my partner will feel disgusted/repulsed/freaked out/concerned/disinterested/etc. I think the other reason that I freeze up is because when he brings it up (he's made a few small comments here and there since our talk a couple weeks ago), that it's always in a sexual setting and I'm simply not prepared for it. I'm still trying to reconnect with my little side in a healthy way, and I don't feel ready to step back into a sexual dynamic with my little side right now. This ends up confusing my partner and I'm not excellent at explaining it. 

[cuppycakes]

my little side is fairly complex and if I don't say everything just the right way I worry that my partner will feel disgusted/repulsed/freaked out/concerned/disinterested/etc. I think the other reason that I freeze up is because when he brings it up (he's made a few small comments here and there since our talk a couple weeks ago), that it's always in a sexual setting and I'm simply not prepared for it. I'm still trying to reconnect with my little side in a healthy way, and I don't feel ready to step back into a sexual dynamic with my little side right now. This ends up confusing my partner and I'm not excellent at explaining it.

 

I know it's probably not ideal, but once you feel like you know what you want to say to him, and you've rehearsed it by yourself a few times, you could bring it up yourself. I just figure that way you won't be caught off guard, and it won't be sexual.