Difficult being patient trying to find a daddy . . .

[Guest Isabelle]

So . . . basically I'm almost 31 and never had a relationship Not ever. I've been trying to meet lots of people and I joined here a few months back but I'm having a hard time with not finding anyone who fits or someone who doesn't ghost away. I keep hearing "just wait" "be patient" "someone special is out there for you" and all that but I've wanted a boyfriend for like 17 years and it's getting really hard for me to have self-esteem and stuff because I can't find someone. Lots of weirdos out there on the internet . . . decent guys I seem to meet are either taken, not into ddlg, or it stays friendship, etc. I seem to meet people okay online but I don't know what I'm doing wrong? I try to be nice and friendly and I'm available to chat a lot and stuff and I hate being told "just wait" or "someday" by people. I don't want to seem all desperate or anything but its really hurting that I'm getting so old and I feel like nobody will ever want to be with me who I want to be with too. I do have anxiety challenges and home situation challenges, but even online I can't meet a daddy. I feel like I should be a worthwhile person I get scared going places like the store but my mind is smart.

 

I'm struggling really bad with feeling like I'm a good person because even after three colleges in my 20s and high school and being involved in my church in the past I never even found a vanilla relationship. I know I don't want to rush but it's been 17 years already and I'm losing hope People can take things so much for granted, I haven't even had my first kiss yet. So many people have marriage and kids and love and they don't know how special that can be and how lucky they are. I get sadder and sadder and I don't want to show it because I'm sure it's a 'turn off' but what are ways I can cope better? I'm in therapy working on things but I still have really down days and I'm trying to feel like a good person but I wind up feeling worthless. Just because I may not be 'ideal' doesn't mean I should be thrown away . . . but it feels like I am.

 

 

[Princess-P]

I know you don't want to hear that you just have to wait but really there's nothing more to do. Sometimes it just doesn't happen until later in life, or it doesn't happen at all. Its very frustrating but your doing the right thing by not rushing into something with the wrong person.

 

Most people have dated and moved on and some regret it and some think if it as a learning experience. You say your in therapy, have you discussed what might be keeping you from dating? Maybe a fear of rejection? Anxiety about making mistakes?

 

Sometimes there are factors in life that may make you seem unapproachable. Or that your not open to dating, only friendships. If you find it easier to meet people online try a website or app specifically for dating. Put down exactly what your looking for in your profile without any fear of scaring someone away. Add your picture, get dressed up so you feel beautiful. People often get turned off my someone online who doesn't show their face.

 

And don't lose hope. Everyone has preferences and that's fine. Maybe you haven't matched with anyone's yet but it doesn't sound like anyone has matched yours either.

[BabySwe]

This is really sad to read. I can relate to your struggle of feeling like a worthwhile and valuable person while ending up feeling worthless. It is a hard thing to battle logic vs emotions, something i struggle with daily as well. It is important to remember exactly what you already seem to tell yourself, that you are worthwhile, that you are smart. Even if you only manage to tell yourself logically without the emotions following, one day they will. But I know it's hard so I really admire that you keep on trying! We strugglers have to stick together ^.^

 

Your relationship troubles are harder, I understand that. I feel like repeating that I really admire that you keep your hope up and try. Hope is a really important thing ^.^ I feel like "just wait" and "there's one out there for everyone" Is something that's really easy to say when you already have someone, or when you don't quite know what to say. It is true that every day you wake up can be that special day when you meet the person of your dreams, but until it is, it is really hard to just wait. The only thing i can think of is that desperation comes in to place when someone really wants to be with someone, and a lot of people can find that off-putting. You already say that you are mindful of that, but the fact that you are available to chat a lot can make the flame burn out too fast? Keeping interest of someone isn't always easy, and there are a lot of things that needs to clash. But some people like a challenge and if you're always available and always willing to talk, that can make some uninterested. Then again, I have read some adds where that's exactly what the cg wants. Maybe you should look for someone like that? In all my relationships I always came off as too needy, or the guy was needy which was offputting to me so I ended it. It wasn't until a few years ago I found someone I can be as needy as I want with. So i am NOT telling you to find someone you can't be needy with, if that's part of who you are! I am simply trying to say that sometimes it can be hard to keep someone interested if that's not what they want, and you either end up sacrificing yourself or alone.

On a sidenote. I've met all my partners online, mostly because I game a lot, and in gaming communities women are much more rare than men. If you have a lot of time on your hands, that is a good way of meeting people ^.^

[Kara]

I can understand exactly what you are saying and feel your pain.  But it is better to be patient then find the wrong person.  I know it's really hard to keep putting yourself out there and being rejected or just slowly forgotten, but I have to believe that is worth the wait.   I wish you the best and in those moments during your search that you feel like giving up remind yourself that you are worth it and keep trying.

[DollDirector]

To capitalize on what LittleZen says,and on your ... last sentence:

 

The issue here may not be if you are ideal (this is impossible) or not,

but if you haven't cornered yourself into trying to find someone who would entirely match (this is just as impossible) YOUR ideal.

 

 

Also,you are saying you have "situation challenges". I hope you don't over-blame yourself. If it is a question of economic circumstances,don't forget there are thousands like you who would deserve the chance of decent circumstances,required,precisely,to find among other things, ... a stable relationship. 

 

 

 

Last but not least,I would recommend that you introduce yourself just like you are doing on this thread,as soon as someone seems worthy,not at 1st sight,at 3rd sight maybe lol,anyway I mean don't wait until 50th sight to make sure he's perfect ! A normal dd (I judge by myself lol) in your part of the world should embrace all this.

[Guest Isabelle]

Princess-P: I've been working in therapy on it, my struggle is my anxiety/fear, I had so many bullies and no experience with guys that I struggle being in public and going to places to meet people. Which is why online I'm able to talk and be more present and involved while I'm working on being able to function better in the community. I don't think I'm overly worried about rejection, it's just the trial and errors of meeting someone and feeling safe is what I struggle with. I am trying to learn social skills I should have learned as a teen in some cases, like this one. I've gotten my brain straightened out a lot from the manipulations and abuses I went through but seeing as how I'm 30 and not like 18/20 it seems people are less forgiving that I'm not experienced at dating/men. Despite a lot of effort, and my therapist said I didn't do anything wrong, I haven't had a friend offline since I was 18 in high school. Others just seem to overlook me or something :/ I am shy but I try to speak and be friendly and open but its almost like other peoples lives are too busy to add more friends or they think that I have friends, etc.

 

LittleZen: That's a good point about being too 'available', but I do struggle with starting conversations sometimes or leading conversations so I don't like message people constantly, I wonder how long is too long, how short is too short, etc. so I'm learning that now as well. The needy part for me, since I've never had hugs and kisses and stuff, I think I will be very 'needy' in that department, I'm not needy as much with needing to be entertained or talked to or given gifts etc. it's more quiet time, but I do think that will apply to me, I just need to make sure I'm not overwhelming, but since I don't have anyone for hugs and kisses yet it's not quite a factor yet. What sorts of games do you play? I'm trying to keep hope going, it seems every day I kind of go up and down with it, wanting to give up or wanting to keep trying. It's definitely a struggle :/

 

Kara: Thanks ^.^

 

DollDirector: I've definitely learned that ideal isn't out there for anyone, relationships are a lot about compromise and learning to live with faults and things you don't like when overall you do love the person. I'm currently unable to work, so I have to live with my parents, and from anxiety I can't travel far, etc. but I'm working on those things, I just wish maybe people wouldn't pass me up or forget about me because I'm a work in progress and not 'cured' yet. I do have a very lengthy 8 page personal ad I put on the site back in early January that details myself and what I'm looking for and I bump it almost daily. I tried not to be too picky, but fairly realistic, as I didn't want 200 guys friending me from a tiny ad. I also am involved in face groups that don't have much for a personal ad or regular face groups, so I'm exploring in different ways, I talk in the chat room here sometimes. I did such a big ad because I wanted people to know who I was a bit and also what I'm looking for but I suppose I could have gone a little overboard. I try and talk to everyone who friends/messages me and have an open mind for new friends. It's just I've gotten a lot of weirdos when I post like a single paragraph and I figured someone who had interest and took the time to read it all would have an idea of me and I left it open too that even if they didn't much fit my 'looking for' if they thought they liked me to go ahead and message.

[Lil' Poundcake]

Don't be too hard on yourself; everybody is a work in progress and has their own private demons to battle, some are just better at concealing it from the world. I don't know if you've ever heard of the free online counseling community: 7cups.com, but they have an anxiety group that hosts daily group support sessions that may be helpful to you, and hey, you may even foster a couple of caring friendships in the process. 

 

You might not like to hear this, but I think that while you may feel great impatience to experience all that comes with having a romantic partner / Daddy, right now what is most important is you putting you first and it seems you've already taken big steps to do this with your therapy. As RuPaul says "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?", I find this to be a very true statement. While you're working on your healing, I'd suggest continuing to converse with men on a friends basis so you can get used to the interaction and build your comfort from there. You never know, one of these friendships could turn into something more meaningful down the road.

 

I wish you the best!

Edited March 31, 2017 by Lil' Poundcake