Daddy Voice

[mystery24816]

I've been trying recently to find my daddy voice. I'm somewhat new to this ddlg thing, since about the middle of last year and am needing to figure out a way to get my little girl happy when she's down without sounding mad. I'm rarely mad at all, but I sometimes get a little pushy, which, when she's upset, she takes as me being mad. Does anyone have any ideas as to how I could reword what I'm saying to make it sound less mad?

[Guest QueenJellybean]

Honestly, just think about what you're saying before you say it and remind yourself that you're talking to someone who could be in the mindset of a child. I think a lot of the Caregiver Voice in general is just finding a solid balance between what you'd say to a child, and what you'd want someone to say to you. The Golden Rule still applies even if you're in an authority position, you know? Treat others the way you'd want to be treated. Stop and ask yourself if you had made a mistake, how would you want the person you cared about to address the issue? 

 

Take your time before talking to her if you're upset. And when you aren't in a high-velocity space, talk to her about how she'd like to be treated. You'll probably get a lot more insight into what she is hoping to hear if you just ask her. Good luck!

[shadowrider]

I agree with MissJellybean. Always think before speaking. I would also add to always be mindful of your tone and cadence when speaking. Littles will take these into account sometimes as much as the words themselves. A rushed phrase or even a slight harshness of tone is all it takes to convey anger to some people. Just speak slowly and smoothly and help reassure them that you are in a calm state of mind.

[mystery24816]

Luckily, I think quite a bit while talking to her, trying to figure out a technique that may break her out of her funk. She just sometimes isn't in the mood to think she can be cheered up. Meaning, she doesn't think it will work, because at those moments she's not in the mood to try things.

[Guest Georgia-Daddy2]

Just be there for her even if she's not in the mood to try thing's convince her to take a bath with you or cuddle overall just let her know she is wanted and you are there use kind words with a softer voice most importantly​ be patient especially when she is feeling down I hope this helps

[Whispering-oak]

i believe the first thing a Daddy has to do is learn to Listen... sometimes just listening and holding them helps to turn things around... sometimes just taking them out to walk holding hands or perhaps a trip to the park to swing... the possibilities are endless.. The tone of the voice is not so much an issue (do not yell or raise the voice to be heard, instead wait till she is done talking and then speak quietly but firmly) but it is in what is said in response to her problem(s). sometimes nothing needs to be said except perhaps "ok, or I understand and it will be ok".

[GuyWhoLovesTheSun]

As far as a "voice" aspect goes, you may be using too deep of a tone which gives off negative or offensive vibes. When trying to cheer her up, try using more of a higher tone while using positive body language so id cant be misinterpreted. Hope this helps

[Guest Isabelle]

Tone can make a big difference. For me personally, a deeper tone in a relaxed, slower manner from someone signifies depth/interest in the conversation, soothing/calming/everything is all right, or sensualness depending on the secondary tone and the words that are spoken. A higher tone is more amusement, I don't care for it much/it doesn't matter to me, we're in neutral/friend space. A lot of people speak high tones for children and pets called motherese, it's a very calming thing for some in a non-sexual way, and a lot of your tone can depend on what your little wants. During playtime things like higher tones would be okay with me if I'm little but if I'm very upset/scared I want a deeper tone, which is something that for some (like me) conveys more strength and protectiveness, a more primal safety thing.

 

If your little is feeling down ask her if she'd like a more softer voice with "what's wrong baby girl, why are you upset?" "you're okay honey", ask her if she has favorite phrases or certain things she'd like. Or if she's down maybe she wants a deeper tone to feel more protected. For me personally I'd like to have a slow, deep tone, with calming affirmations like "you're all right, I'm here, it's okay" things like that. Since I can suffer panic attacks, things like "I won't let anyone hurt you, you can handle this, you're safe" would be other ones for me.

 

Since littles tend to be very sensitive by nature, we pick on body cues and subtle secondary tones much faster and with more depth than others, which can sometimes lead us into jumping to a conclusion or picking up on an emotion like irritation without the other wanting us to. When you say you get pushy, what are you saying to her to make her think that? If you're saying "you just need to get over this," that's a big no no. One way to think of your words is are they open ended, or closed ended? Open ended are more questions or leaves the other to feel safe to have their own feelings/continue the conversation like "are you all right?" or "I know this hurts, but things will be okay" versus "you need to just get over this" or "it's not a big deal, you're overreacting".

 

One last thing is validation. It's a huge concept in communication that changes a lot of dynamics, including anger/irritation/annoyance and diffuses a lot of negative situations. Doing it takes a lot of practice and forethought, but the use is fairly simple. It's acknowledging the other person's feelings/words before you speak. "You said you're very upset . . . . " 'I can see how angry you are . . . ." "That made you feel . . .  ." "I understand how frustrating that is for you . . . " by doing these sorts of phrases it lets the listener know they're being heard and one of the largest sparks of anger in communication is not feeling heard.

[mystery24816]

This advice is good and all, but we're in a long distance relationship so tone and any physical contact isn't really an option in this case unfortunately. What I'm asking is how to word things through text format to come across as not mad or mean

[Vince]

something I heard is use not You messages. IE instead of: " what did you do?" ask " what happened?" You tends to make people defensive. and its kinda hit or miss but have you tried babytalking? most of the littles I talk to get giggly or calm down if "big strowng dddy stawts tawlking silly"... but as I said its hit or miss, she might think you're making fun of her. just continue being patient and supportive and ask here about it, work out codes or signs, sometimes people just need a little stewing and then they are good.

good luck.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

This advice is good and all, but we're in a long distance relationship so tone and any physical contact isn't really an option in this case unfortunately. What I'm asking is how to word things through text format to come across as not mad or mean

 

Tone can still come across through text messages. Just adding that here! Don't underestimate how important tone via text can be as well, and you can even check and see if your partner understood it the way that you meant it since a lot of meaning does get lost through text.