My little still maintains communication with her previous daddy's. Now what?

[Drmagister]

Unsure what to do. My little continues to text/talk to her previous daddy. She continues to reassure me that relationship is done, and she's just "being polite," but I'm not convinced. She always shows me the texts, and she calls me when he calls her, and that's good. But it's pushing boundaries, and my trust is wavering.do I readjust hard limits? Hmmm....

[Guest Georgia-Daddy2]

I wouldn't trust it either I would tell her that being "polite" to him is hurtful to you and you would like it if they didn't speak to each other anymore but that's just me it's up to you

[Antoinette]

In my opinion there's no need to keep in close contact with exes of any nature. If it was a serious relationship then friendships afterwards most likely are not going to work. The only thing you can do is tell her how it makes you feel and how you'd rather she didn't talk to them - I, personally, don't think that's unreasonable but if she does I'd suggest asking her why. It's not a matter of if they're intimate now it's that they once were and despite the fact that it's only a 'friendship' at the moment past memories will be brought up, the ex may also have an ulterior motive for being her friend and many, many other things.

 

What I will add though is that you can't force her to not talk to them, you can talk to her and let her know that it's something that bothers you and if it really bothers you too much I'd suggest giving her an ultimatum - they're not nice and they're not friendly but for the sake of yourself and her it might be best because if you develop serious trust issues it'll only have a worse impact on her in the future.

 

Can I also add that when it comes to daddies and littles, especially when they've been in a relationship together before, a lot of daddies view it as their 'duty' to protect/nurture the little (regardless of relationship status, sometimes). 

[Himedere-Chan]

I wouldn't trust it either I would tell her that being "polite" to him is hurtful to you and you would like it if they didn't speak to each other anymore but that's just me it's up to you

I agree. I don't keep in contact with any of my exes, it never turns out well in the end. Short and simple answers, me likey.

[alotalittle]

I want to start with saying that I never believe that it's reasonable to ask someone else to cut all contact with anyone.

 

However, it's also unreasonable to not set boundaries for yourself. For you, this is becoming a boundary that she's crossing--even if that's not her intention. Tell her in a calm setting how her conversations with her ex make you feel and be specific as to WHY they make you feel that way. Ask her to explain why she feels like she needs to be engaged in conversation with him (which I think is being more than polite). The truth might be that she doesn't know how to be unkind to someone and she feels that by not talking with him, that she might upset him. For some of us, it's hard to disengage with people, even if they're someone who has hurt us or someone we dislike.

 

If she would like to stop talking to him, but doesn't want to seem mean, perhaps you could offer to answer her phone for her the next time he calls. You would have to stay calm on the phone and shortly explain to him that she feels uncomfortable receiving phone calls from him and that you both would like him to stop. Then she doesn't have to feel like the "bad guy". If she doesn't want to stop talking to him because she feels that he's her friend, then you both need to discuss that. You should be evaluating why their conversations make you uncomfortable (especially since she shows you all of them) and what she could change about their conversations to make you feel better. 

 

Ultimately, this is her decision whether or not she wants to keep talking to him and it's your decision whether or not you want to put up with it. If neither of you can compromise on this issue, that could be a deal breaker. Ultimatums don't work. They only make a breakup happen faster (and typically rougher) or they build resentment within the relationship. 

[BigCityLittleGirl]

If you don't like her doing that that's fine give her an ultimadum (I know that was probably the worst attempt at spelling haha!) if it is not acceptable to you. However she has every right to talk to them. Ridiculous that so many find that untrustworthy. If she kept it hidden I would understand. She literally told you about it and shows you the conversations. I am in contact with all my exes. We ended amicably and still hang out as well. My daddy has never felt upset about it. In fact he once said "my dick is too big to feel some type of way about other men!" Edited February 24, 2017 by BigCityLittleGirl

[Magi]

See I have never been in a little/big relationship, but the ex's that I talk to are all good. We are friends, I agree with alotalittle. I don't think that an ultimatum is a good idea. It's going to cause problems in and of itself. Communication is key in this, though. The fact is, you are uncomfortable and that is not to be ignored. So talking to her is a good idea. Sometimes though you aren't going to like all the things another person does.

[Michael]

If they're just friendly, what's the harm? There's a reason he's an ex daddy...

 

Don't get me wrong, it's fine to be suspicious, but if there's no actual evidence or anything to indicate that she's "doing something" with him, then you need to chill. The more you keep thinking about it, the more you will come up with conspiracy theories in your head, and it's going to impact your relationship. 

 

Just be chill man, if she a hoe then you'll find out sooner or later.

[Guest Loki]

I don't mean to sound rude, but if she's showing you all the texts and if I understand correctly you know and monitor the calls, then it sounds like you just have trust issues. You say there isn't any indication of foul play. This seems to me verging on irrational fear.

 

Relax, love her and monitor the stuff. If he starts to make moves and/or she does, then tell her to stop. Otherwise you are telling her to stop a healthy friendship.

[Guest Isabelle]

Not too much info to know the full extent but perhaps they were friend who gave a relationship a try and found out it wouldn't work, but they want the friendship. If she's showing you what they're saying and involving you then there is no secret things it would appear. Let her know it hurts you, maybe you could have a discussion with the ex daddy on what his intentions are? If you start throwing out ultimatums it can make your little feel like you are choosing who she can be friends with which isn't a good way to start a relationship. If they split in a bad way I'm curious why she'd continue to talk to him as the hurt would be there, but if they split amicably it might be a different story. This is a large gray area, and trust is involved, so focus on your relationship with your little and let her know you're feeling weird with her talking to him.

[Guest Kittehmuffin]

It sounds like it's your insecurities playing out rather than her actions causing them, especially if she calls you and shows you the texts.

 

I have friendships with my exes, some due to responsibilities and some because we have similar interests and just kept in touch. Doesn't mean I am ever going there again though.

 

I can understand you sharing your point of view with your Little, but maybe telling her to stop all communication wouldn't be productive. Could build resentment, especially if she hasn't done anything wrong.

[baby jenna]

I wouldn't trust it either I would tell her that being "polite" to him is hurtful to you and you would like it if they didn't speak to each other anymore but that's just me it's up to you

i dont keep in contact with any of my exes either really anymore. used to when i was not with someone.

[Guest Fros†beard]

My little keeps in touch with his previous daddy. Kind of.
See, I never told her to cut contact with him, it's perfectly clear she's over him.
But his attention-seeking behavior is bothering her and I can't really blame her if she decides to stop talking to him now that we're together.
I do however wish she'll explain the situation to him & make sure he understands she won't be playing his games any longer.
From what Princess has told me, he's not too keen on being just friends - which of course has me baring my teeth a bit - so telling him as it is will probably make him drop off the radar.

What I'm getting at is, it's not a problem unless it's a problem.
I'm friends with my ex-wife, for example and my little is fine with this because I've openly explained to her why I'd never ever get back with the ex.
Honesty is the best policy - if you feel she's hiding something, confront her. Some people just sorta end up as life-long friends, no matter what happens, but I'd probably ask her why she feels the need to keep in touch if I were you. I mean, being polite is one thing, feeding (hopefully) one-sided affections is another thing entirely.

Edited February 26, 2017 by Frostbeard

[MrB]

OK first of all I don't believe you have trust issues. I think that was a very mean and judgemental thing to say. This is a common thing that happens with couples and your feelings and hers are both natural so don't believe you are a bad guy for feeling this. Put very simply some people stay in good contact with exes and some people don't and so it seems strange to people when you are with someone on the other side. So no doubt the reason this concerns you is because it doesn't make sense to you. However she is most likely feeling the same about you. She probably thinks it's strange that you are bothered by it. So yes talking about it is absolutely best. Now I can't deny that the ex might want her back however if she truly loves you she would turn him down. However if she would get back with him then it means she's not fully committed to you and although it would hurt to have her leave you it would be best as you deserve a little who wants you and no one else. I think you should talk to her about your feelings and ask her to talk about why she wants to stay in touch with him but don't do an ultimatum as she might see it as a sign of too much control and of the ex is trying to get her he will claim that you're a bad guy and she should leave you ect. Just try to relax and understand she's not trying to hurt you but yes definitely have a good talk with her

[CrazyLittleBuggaBoo]

Well seeing how she's not hiding it and showing and talking to you about it, you probably don't have anything to worry about. From her end at least. Even though she's open and up front about it, which seems like she's trying to not make your worry or hurt, you'll just have to explain that you can't help but feel uncomfortable about the situation. You should totally trust her, she's being open and showing you you can trust her. But asking her not to continue to talk to him because it hurts and makes you uncomfortable isn't really a "trust issues" its more of an emotional thing. Which she should understand. If you would stop doing or talking to someone because it makes her uncomfortable, then she should be willing to do the same for you. Just talk to her

[Guest Plebian]

It all boils down to intent, doesn't it? It could easily strictly be politeness and it could just as easily be more than that. I personally feel like it's impossible to tell from this little amount of information.

 

Just ask yourself if you feel like she's satisfied within your relationship. Because if you feel like she is, there's nothing to worry about. But if this is coming from a place of fear, you need to ask yourself what good that'll do to the both of you. 

 

It's not unreasonable to set a hard limit if you feel like it's disrespectful (or something) to you that she keeps in contact with her exes, but beware. It could just as easily be interpreted as a form of weakness from your side, which won't end well.

[Child Of Light]

Firstly, for me, personally-- I would feel not OKay with telling someone "you can't contact that person" or to drop contact with someone because a partner had trust issues. It crosses a line of controlling in my honest opinion. I'd also trust a partner enough: where I wouldn't demand to see their texts or contact. If I were unable to do that-- I wouldn't be with that person.

 

I do think it's possible to remain friends with an ex (if they respect your current relationship). I've been in a platonic (non-sexual) dynamic with an authority figure.... and even though my Dom isn't OK with him disciplining me, or being athouritive over me (nor would I want him to) and it stopped when my Dom and I started dating I would never disrespect his wishes!!!!. We still text and talk about life... etc.. heck, we go out for coffee every few months -- and are BOTH happy, for each other, and how our lives are going. He has a ex-gf (vanilla) that chats with him sometimes.. he gives her advice, encourages her to apply for higher paying jobs.. ask her how her kids are doing... etc. Neither of us hold jealously and we trust each other. It comes up very naturally talking about our ex'es because we communicate so well. I'd also cringe at the thought of either of us asking "why" we want to talk to others' we have been past intimate with... as we both respect the fact- we still respect those people and care about them (but we don't love them romantically).

 

There is no issue. I know he loves me and I love him.... and we aren't going to let anything get in-between that.

 

I think it's a pretty scary thing to want your partner to destroy their support systems they have in place. For me, that would be a huge trigger. Just because your now their Daddy, doesn't mean -- they shouldn't depend on others' too. Your circle of support should grow as you get older. 

Edited February 27, 2017 by Child Of Light

[Drmagister]

Wow! This daddy did not expect this volume of feedback! You are all such beautiful people!!! I have talked with my sweet little, but she's not quite getting my position here. ... I'm going to keep trying to talk using language that works, but it's an uphill battle thing...

[Drmagister]

My little is still enamored with her ex daddy,even though she doesn't understand why. That prevents us building our relationship.

[Guest Princessaj]

Hi, thanks for sharing and giving us the opportunity to give feedback.

 

I think you 3 should grow a friendship.

 

You are each individuals, you/she a couple and all adults.

 

All of you get in it and put it all out there.

 

Fear is a freezer. Melt and join together for everyone's sake. Hugs

[BigCityLittleGirl]

My little is still enamored with her ex daddy,even though she doesn't understand why. That prevents us building our relationship.

See that doesn't sound right to me. If she was just speaking to them as a friend you wouldn't be "enamored". That seems like a red flag. Like what exactly do you mean? Do you mean she's just chatting way too much in your eyes or she seems in love? If the latter... She needs to go. Even though littles are childish, we in fact are not children, and know it's not right to lead people on. I hope you guys can fix this!!

[alotalittle]

"Enamored" absolutely changes things. You say that her being enamored by him is even preventing you two from building a relationship. At this point, I would say that she's not over her ex and is harboring enough feelings for him that she can't bring herself to stop talking to him. Even if she is showing you all the texts and lets you listen to the phone calls, she's possibly not being completely honest with you or even herself about her feelings. I would feel a lot of concern if my partner told me he was enamored with someone else (since he and I are currently monogamous).

 

How do you feel about her being enamored? What else did she say when you brought this all up to her?

 

It sounds like a major discussion between you and her needs to happen so that you can decide if you want to continue pursuing this relationship, and if you both do want to continue, how to move forward.

[Simon.dd4lg]

Totally agree with kittehmuffin about it being your insecurities. Why shouldn't ppl who have shared something special in their lives be friends. They are exes for a reason but that could be one of any number of reasons.

 

I think that u should look at yourself rather than your little and ask yourself why it bothers u so. Sort your insecurities before u become her next ex

[AGentleman]

breaking off a relationship is never easy, feelings don't immediately go away, and sometimes stick around way longer than we want, 

if she is showing you texts and lets you listen to her phone calls she wants to show you that there is nothing to hide. If she has done nothing to break your trust you should trust her. We only have a very one sided account of everything which makes it hard to give objective advice...

 

so the best i can give you, is Talk to her about it, it sure is hard to muster up the courage to talk about such a topic but if you do it with a level head and without accusing her i'm sure you can figure everything out. With communication you can figure most problems out, just remember to stay calm and clearly state your feelings, sometimes it helps to actually write them down before and read it a couple of times before you face her.

[Mr.Nick]

Well in my relationship i have a blacklist rule, a list of people i dont want my princess to talk to like exes, or people i dislike.

Maybe you could do the same with your sub. For me it has been working perfectly and i trust my little alot with her contacts.

 

I really hope you take this in consideration.  But of course you are her daddy

 

And if you do i hope it will work for you and that you can trust your sub again. I know how it feels when something like that happens

 

Best of luck.