It didn't work :(

[Guest ASerpent]

I already posted, that I'm trying to tell my husband about ddlg. I gave it a go yesterday and sent him a valentines Day greeting. I added "Would you like another thing for Valentines Day?" He didn't answer that I had planned on introducing him slowly to it then. When he didn't answer, I asked him at home, if he actually wanted another thing for Valentines Day and that he should be a bit open minded and answer my message. He just said "I won't answer stuff like that. Just get me something or not.".

 

I'm confused and sad now.

Edited February 15, 2017 by ASerpent

[Glitteryl]

Awwh I feel little bad about that. It's just sad that he said thing like that

[Guest Loki]

Wow, sounds hurtful. Actually, it sounds downright mean. I don't know what you said on the card, but no matter what it was, for him to dismiss it, to me says he wouldn't make a good daddy.

 

If this is something you need try again. If he keeps dismissing it and not gives you a straight answer just tell him upfront you need a yes or no.

 

If he can't decide then maybe he can give you an okay to find a Daddy?

[Guest ASerpent]

Well, I sent him a WhatsApp message with a cute care bear pic and wrote:

 

"Would you want something for Valentines Day?"

 

He didn't answer, so I asked him at home, if he would give me an answer.

 

He said: I won't answer to that stuff. If you have something for Valentines Day, give it to me.

 

I said: Well, maybe be a bit open minded and send me an answer.

 

I asked him twice, but he didn't send an answer.

 

I had planned that he writes me something like "Sure, I want something for Valentines Day". I would have send him then, if he would like to explore something new and we could start out with a few things (call me princess etc). Well, that never happened yesterday, so I'm sort of stuck now. I was really going to try to set aside my insecurities and give it a try. I don't know what to do now

Edited February 15, 2017 by ASerpent

[Daddy's Meg]

He sounds very pragmatic. Is that perhaps his personality?

 

I suggest you really do take some deep breaths and sit down with him and talk. He's your husband, if you can't talk to him - who can you talk to!? No hints. Or games. Just that you have somethings your interested in and you wanna let him know. Bring your phone, show him the forum, so he knows there are tons of very normal functioning people who are also interested in it. Read a few posts to him, be light hearted about it. That it's something your like and suspect isn't going anywhere and you feel weird not telling him.

 

Expect nothing but some conversation and see if it can grow from there. You can do this.

Edited February 15, 2017 by she's daddy's

[lilsnoopy]

While the post above is awesome advice and I suggest trying it, it still might not work and you should be prepared for that. Some of the behavior you described doesn't sound like someone with a caregiver personality type. You can't make someone be something else. Maybe see if you can have a online caregiver or just be a little on your own. Keep in mind being a little still part of who you are and if he won't at least accept that and allow you to be little on your own then I would see that as a problem. There's also this post: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/17295-general-topic-partner-not-wanting-to-be-in-a-cgl-relationship/?do=findComment&comment=91180  

[Guest ASerpent]

Thanx for your advice

 

There's actually only one website I can show him, since there is only one good website in German language. His English isn't really good. So unfortunately there's no chance he can hook up around here.

 

Yes, he's quite pragmatic- you're right about that. I thought the thing with the hints would make him curious and it would be a nice valentine thing. Well, it failed

 

Would it be an option to send the webpage straight to him with my feelings written down? When it comes to talking about feelings, I really get into anxiety mode

 

I'm not sure, if he would want to be a caregiver. Sometimes he says things like "I need to take care of you." or "Daddy did it." - I'm so confused.

 

Sometimes he comes to be quite caring, and on other days he acts different.

Edited February 15, 2017 by ASerpent

[Daddy's Meg]

Thanx for your advice

 

There's actually only one website I can show him, since there is only one good website in German language. His English isn't really good. So unfortunately there's no chance he can hook up around here.

 

Yes, he's quite pragmatic- you're right about that. I thought the thing with the hints would make him curious and it would be a nice valentine thing. Well, it failed

 

Would it be an option to send the webpage straight to him with my feelings written down? When it comes to talking about feelings, I really get into anxiety mode

 

I'm not sure, if he would want to be a caregiver. Sometimes he says things like "I need to take care of you." or "Daddy did it." - I'm so confused.

 

If written communication is the only way you're going to feel comfortable then go for it.

 

There was a time with my Daddy where I felt the same, due mainly to the fear of rejection on whatever I was thinking. I had to write things to him that I could not say. In the end, the anxiety of waiting (and theorizing) his response was so much worse than just stuttering and misspeaking my way through what I needed to say. However, practice on this makes perfect. Do what's comfortable now and work towards a face to face about this. When I used to write my feelings (we were also LD at the time) he would usually write me back and then later we would actually discuss it. Usually me thanking him for his understanding.

 

So write it all out. Let him know what you've found, what parts of it your interested in. I don't know anything about the other site you're going to show him, but I would make sure he understands strongly that this is something you want to do WITH him. I can imagine, reading on here without someone to guide him, could end up with him thinking you want something outside of him (such as suggestions of finding a caregiver on your own, etc).That could be a scary pill to swallow as someone new to this. Knee jerk reaction to that could be negative at first. Not so much once he gets to know what a caregiver is and what *you* want.

 

I know when I read Daddy things on tumblr or some of the personal's requirments about "caregivers dos and don't" or "what I want in a Daddy" he literally says "Ha, those girls want too much!" Because some of the stuff online IS too much. Huge lists of what the Caregiver is supposed to do, and so little on what the little's part is. After all it's not just about being given everything, but these sites really do make it seem that way sometimes. It's really too bad, because the mutual benefit you *actually* get is wonderful and far from one sided. Just please make sure you're explaining what *you* want, that you create a dynamic that fits you two, no one else.

 

Lastly, please be kind to the both of you. Don't put so much into this one thing that you set yourself up for the painful fall of disappointment. You're married, you love each other and everything can be worked out over time. You can communicate thought it. I really hope writing to him works out!

[Guest ASerpent]

He just got home and after dinner asked again about his valentine present. I said "Well, I'm still waiting for your response then." Again he said "Why response, just give it to me then. I don't need the messaging with the phone thing" I asked him again to be open minded and just response and he might find something new, something immaterial. He seemed curious though, but still doesn't seem to feel like responding my message.

 

Still so confused about what to do ...

[Guest Coyote420]

Sigh, well you are married, so I assume you have been together for a good while now, yet you didn't show him that side of you. Idk if it's because you were insecure about it or you discovered that part of you when the relationship was far along, and it doesen't really matter. My point is that ur type of relationship, your dinamics and everything has been preety much defined by now , and it'll be hard for you to nudge it in the ddlg direction , especially if he isnt suited for the daddy role.

 

What I think you should do is just tell him about everything , be upfront about it. Even if he isn't the natural caregiver type, we all have a caregiver trait towards the ones we love. He doesen't realise how much lil things like this mean to you and you should talk to him about it. Express yourself, reach out. After that it's up to him to reach back out by inquiering about ddlg and doing some research. But let that be his choice. When you tell him about that side of you don't be all like ''Here's where you can learn about it''. Let him reach out to you first , and then nudge him in the right direction. 

 

This is just my opinion, I'm not like a ddlg yoda xP

[Frog]

Is he often like this, or do you think this attitude is new? The reason I ask is that he may just not be into Valentine's Day, or he may have some stress that he doesn't want to talk about. I'm not saying don't still try the ddlg change, but he may have something else going on. If the message response is irritating him, maybe you should drop that. I'm not saying you're wrong, but if it's going to continue to be a sore spot, it may be worth not pushing it.

 

Either way, it's a good sign that he seemed curious about it. I wish you well!

[Princess-P]

To be fair I can see why he's not interested in responding through message. If your married and usually have good communication he's probably just thrown off. If I or my daddy were to message the other when we can talk face to face we would both think it was kind of weird. Your probably confusing him.

 

If you can't bring yourself to just say it then ask him to sit down with you and look at the site together. While I never recommend using the internet to introduce someone to any alternative lifestyle (often gives the wrong information and is less personal as everyone is different and there's no cookie Cutter way) if that's the only way you feel like you can talk to him then do it. But I still think you should just have a conversation about what YOU Want, not just what the site discribes.

[meegiewoo]

:c oh heck i'm sorry. that's actually pretty rude of him to say something like that to you.

[Guest tiagrl]

I tink you should just tell him you want to be his little girl n princess.

[Guest ASerpent]

Thank you for so much good advice.

 

Basically I guess he is into the Valentines thing. He got me some cute unicorn candy. So he knows that I really like those cute pink things, unicorns, Care Bears etc.

 

On the other hand he can be quite demanding / dominant. This morning he said "Actually I want you to come to the door and give me goodbye kiss every morning." Or he says "No smartphone when watching a movie together."

[Guest ASerpent]

We're writing now.

 

I asked, if he would be openminded for something new and exciting.

 

He wrote back "Always."

[Guest ASerpent]

Just a quick update. It failed completely. When we actually talked in the evening, he got mad at all kinds of stuff. He called the coloring I do stupid and that he didn't want someone acting like a five year old. And how stupid that would all be. I hadn't even gotten to the point of ddlg yet. Well, I didn't push it to the point then. I guess that's it then Edited February 17, 2017 by ASerpent

[Daddy's Meg]

Just a quick update. It failed completely. When we actually talked in the evening, he got mad at all kinds of stuff. He called the coloring I do stupid and that he didn't want someone acting like a five year old. And how stupid that would all be. I hadn't even gotten to the point of ddlg yet. Well, I didn't push it to the point then. I guess that's it then

 

I'm so sorry. That's painful.

 

I can understand his side of it of course. Ya' don't like the idea of someone being childish/kiddish/etc, you just don't. It would seem his only interest is perhaps the dominant side of it (from examples you've shared). He wants to take care of you, but wants you as he knows you. Perhaps the idea of a more needy/younger you is a bit much, depending on what he was imagining (which is hard to tell!).

 

I wouldn't let that stop you from being YOU of course. You don't need his permission to color, or do whatever little outlets you have. Maybe he'll catch on, maybe he won't but don't let his choice cramp your freedom. You're married but still allowed to be your own person! And you can always share that side of yourself with like-minded people here! <3

[Guest ASerpent]

I gave it another effort today. The last days he kept acting quite dominant like "Who's the boss? Daddy is, isn't he?". So I decided to give it another go. I finally wrote him a message today with a website for information about ddlg attached to it. We just had dinner and put the kids to bed. So now I'm waiting, if he will give me any answer to my message. Edited February 24, 2017 by ASerpent

[Drmagister]

[HeCallsMePrincess]

i'm so sorry this is how it's going for you. hang in there. i can only offer hugs

[Guest ASerpent]

No reaction at all from him until today Does anybody have an idea what I could do now? I'm so confused again? Should I just drop it now?

[BabySwe]

I don't know about you, but I have felt lost and confused my whole life. I've never felt that I can be who I truly am, until I found DDlg. Then everything made sense and I felt so happy I cried. I felt a need, a strong desire, to have this in my life, and that I couldn't be without it. How do you feel regarding that? Do you feel like you can manage without it or do you need it to be happy? Your husband sounds dominant, but being dominant doesn't mean you are a good daddy, you can simply be a good Master. Before finding DDlg I did the whole Master/submissive part, and although I liked the dominant aspect of it it left me feeling used, alone, confused and sad. "Why would someone who loves me want to use me in such a way?" Went through my head almost daily, and it didn't matter how much he tried to explain that to him, dominating me WAS love. What I'm trying to say is that maybe your husband is more of a Master, and not a daddy. Maybe he wants you to be submissive and good, but not little? And if so, is that good enough for you? I realize it's hard when there's marriage and kids in the picture, but ultimately I hope these questions will help you to be happy one day. Big hugs, Zennie <3

[lilsnoopy]

I still am a believer in you can't make people be who they aren't. If he doesn't like you coloring, or you acting little, then maybe that's just how he is and pushing it won't make him embrace that gift of a little you are. 

 

 You've been trying really hard, I've seen your posts asking for help on a few threads now and I see how much you want it. I really do hope it'll work out for you. But there's also the chance he won't change, or he just is not a daddy and is only a dom. You've made lots of attempts even though you were scared and I think that should have been rewarded or something... but he shot you down and said hurtful things about you being a little ( referencing the coloring and acting like a 5 year old comment you mentioned him saying). I don't think there is any advice the forum could give to make him be what you want him to be.  sorry if that's blunt. 

 

I do suggest not letting this make you repress that part of yourself. If he doesn't approve the lifestyle, then as your husband, he should at least respect you enough to let you enjoy doing little things on your own without being rude. 

Edited February 26, 2017 by lilsnoopy

[Guest ASerpent]

I know I can't make him if he doesn't want to and I will probably have to deal with him not wanting to be a Daddy. I'm just so sad, that I don't get an answer at all. If he would say or write to me "Well, it's not my piece of cake." things would be easier to get along with. Edited February 26, 2017 by ASerpent