Help, my girlfriend hates ddlg :(

[Guest DaddyBear:3]

Hey everyone, Im looking for some help to show my girlfriend DD/LG in a different light. As she views it as most people that dont understand it as pedophilic.

 

Some background about our relationship;

 

We will have been dating for 4 years in March and we are currently saving for our first house, so we are quite a tight couple and plan to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

I have been living with her and her family for 3 years now. But before I move in with her she had bad insomnia and when she would sleep she would have very bad night terrors, where sometimes she would even scratch her nails down her arms. I got to witness this when I use to stay round on weekend and many a late night cradling her as she sobbed. As I began to stay round more this became less and stopped completely a few weeks after I moved in. My girlfriend has social anxiety and uses me as her rock and safety blanket when she ever she hits a wall.

 

This first triggered me as seeing myself as a care giver. We are both big lovers of BDSM and love getting kinky! She is very submissive and Im switch. One day she told me she wanted to try a Sub Dom relationship, so I did my research and tried my best because thats what she wanted. Unfortunately our sub dom relationship fizzled out aftwr a few months. Dont get me wrong there nothing i find sexer then hearing my girl moan as I spank her over my knee. But she was a very challenging sub, constantly deliberately questioning and challenging me as a dom because she wanted punishment or to be put in her place, this really put me off.

 

So i went back to my research of bdsm and learnt about ddlg and it was eveything I was looking for. A way to be a compassionate, while still being dominant over my girl. I put this to my girlfriend and it was not the reaction I wanted, she said it was discussing as it sexualizes children. She works in as a nursery room leader, so teaching and inspiring children is her passion in life. It made sense for her to jump to this conclusion, I did try to enlighten her to ddlg true meaning but it was just getting i to and argument and i stoped out of fear of hurting our relationship.

 

All of this and that fact that my girl is already basically a little. She colours, acts childish, likes video games, wears cute things and relies on me to look after her. She even calls me Daddy during sex... I just dont know what to do, its probably been a year that all of this happend and i still feel the same way but have chosen not to act on it.

 

I would love to know everyones opinions and storys. Are you wanting a ddlg relationship, but your other half doesnt? Or have you told your partner that you are into ddlg?

Thanks guys <3

[Princess-P]

Why not worry less about putting a label on your relationship and think more about changing your dynamic yo suit you both?

 

If she already has little tendencies and you already care for her like a CG does their little... Why do you need a name for it?

 

Labels are sometimes all that people see. If she's disgusted by the idea of CG/l simply for the wrong assumption she has linking it to pedophilia, then chances are your not going to get any further than that with her.

 

Just continue caring for her, letting her express herself with her little tendencies, guide her through her anxiety, and care for each other.

[Guest DaddyBear:3]

Its not the label of a ddlg relationship I want, its what it involves. I love the relationship we have now, but I long to be her daddy

[Princess-P]

But if she already engages in little activities, has little tendencies, looks to you for support, and lets you care for her... What are you missing?

 

Maybe knowing exactly what you want to bring up to her about implementing in your relationship will make it easier to give advice. As far as I can tell you have all the basics of a CG/l relationship and she just doesn't like the label.

[PrincessClara]

It sounds to me like you already ARE her Daddy. Just because she doesn't accept the ls/label doesn't mean you aren't already doing all of that. Like you said, she acts like a little and you act like her cg so why do you need to define it any more? Are you looking for her to call you Daddy more often? Like in public? Maybe you can help us understand what you feel you are missing. 

[Guest DaddyBear:3]

Yeah I'd like to be called Daddy more, as she only ever calls me Daddy in a sexual way. I wouldnt want it in public, just as acknowledgment of me being her caring dom.

 

Would being a little benefit her? Ive been reading that lots of little go into there little space because it helps them stress and ptsd ect. Could this help her anxiety?

[PrincessClara]

It sounds to me like she is already a little but doesn't really know it. If she enjoys coloring and all that she is likely in littlespace but doesn't understand that's what it is. It sounds like she is using it to de-stress etc already so there's no need to push more onto her. 

 

The only thing I can say is to tell her you like it when she calls you daddy. Give her pet names like baby girl, princess etc and just use them when you feel it's appropriate. 

 

You don't need to be an "official" dd/lg couple to live the lifestyle. If she is uncomfortable with the idea or doesn't understand the ls don't pressure her just enjoy being her Daddy and do what you've been doing. 

[Princess-P]

She may just not feel comfortable with the word Daddy in a everyday way. A lot of people who have never heard of CG/l use "daddy" in a sexual way because its soft core kink.

 

There are also a lot of people who are in defined CG/l relationships who never call their partner Mommy/Daddy.

 

If her using Daddy as a pet name for you is something you like the best way to bring it up would be without mention of CG/l as she already expressed she's not interested And you shouldn't push her out of her comfort level. Tell her it makes you feel loved and special.

 

As for being little helping her it sounds like she's already doing what she needs to to help de-stress. She has support from you and uses her own techniques, some of which may be similar to that of a little. I would definetly not suggest telling her that being little will help her cope as that just adds pressure. She's uncomfortable with the labels so I would just drop that idea completely.

[Daddy's Meg]

Since the pedo bell has already been run I would not push the term "Dd/lg" again on her. If she wants to look into it more herself, I would assume she probably would. However like other's have said this doesn't mean you can't find a way to satisfy your need to be a Daddy while keeping her comfortable.

 

Like you the term Daddy is very important to mine. We didn't start out this way and the term came up as me joking with him. Little did I know how far down this rabbit hole we'd end up. My Daddy basically straight up told me, he wanted to be called that all the time once I'd said it a few times teasingly. That it made him feel good, special, etc. I was embarrassed at first, I felt like I'd rung a bell I didn't mean to, but once I saw how much the term meant to him (and started saying it more often) it became less embarrassing and more comfortable. Now I look back on my reaction as silly. If she's comfortable calling you that in the bedroom, it might not be such a huge gap to call you that all the time. Just tell her why it's important to you. She cares about you, she'll probably want you to feel good.

 

I'd also suggest letting her know you want to "reignite" some form of your prier D/s relationship. Give it a another go, in a softer slower pace. Let her know, you are not looking to break a brat. That you need her to give up submission, not make you fight for it. (which is what it sounds like was happening before.) But also set up some things you're comfortable with that can satisfy her needs to be dominated. Set a few rules? Make a reward chart? Punishments shouldn't be fun and no one should want them from their Dom. Find a happy place you both can create together by sitting down and talking about it. There is no right way, just your way as a couple. This way you can maybe include some of the other aspects of the Dd/lg relationship you like without calling it such.

 

If you've talked to her about what a little is already and she doesn't care for it, I wouldn't really refer to her as such. Let her simply be a sub. Relish in her little tendencies, reward the behavior. If she wants to express it more she will, if not, you can't force it, you can just let her know it's okay to be as silly and immature with you as she wants. You love her no matter what.

 

As for it helping anxiety, I've heard so much about how it does, but for me it didn't really HELP. Sure at the time I thought it did. I had crippling social anxiety for years and couldn't so much as go into a restaurant or a grocery store! I had panic attacks and a delusional thought pattern that made me fear people. Also just general anxiety that would keep me up at night with cycle thinking. So I thought having Daddy there for me was helping... it was actually just a crutch. I really believed as long as I held Daddy's hand I was okay. I was white-knuckling. It got me through the moment but it didn't help when I had to do something alone. I was living as half a person. Getting professional help is what actually helped. It's given me a much fully life with my Daddy rather than me relying on him out of real fear and desperation, I rely on him out of love and respect. My little tendencies didn't disappear when I got help, they flourished because I was so much happier with life! It's been the real help I needed and he is a million times happier. We both are!

[Guest DaddyBear:3]

Would that be wrong of me to treat my relationship with her as cg/l, even though she objects to it?

 

I also cant help wanting her to dress and act little. Her dress little, hair in pig tails, dummy and nappies. I would burst with excitement how cute my baby girl would look. The nick names and the dynamic is already there, we have the core values of cg/l. But I find myself wanting all the other aspects of cg/l...

[Guest DaddyBear:3]

Breaking a brat was definitely what it was! Like she wanted me to be the dom, but I had to fight her for it.

 

The conversation about ddlg started with me started with me trying to talk about it, her playing the pedo card on a defensive and then pushing pedo questions onto me. So I ended the conversation. Im really scared of bring it back up incase it goes that way again.

[Princess-P]

Its not wrong for you to act on CG tendencies. If that's who you are and generally feel. However she sounds highly Against labels for this dynamic and it is wrong for you to push it on her.

 

It feels like your not understanding the true basics of this kind if relationship. The dynamic is full of variety. Not all littles wear diapers or use pacifiers or need all/Any of the superficial aspects of being little.

 

While those may be things you would like in your relationship chances are, based off her reaction, that your not going to get it. If she was interested she would be exploring on her own.

 

Honestly the only way to know if she's ok with what you want is to ask her. Don't use labels. And if her answer is a absolute no then so be it. You will have to learn to live without it if you love her and if its more important to have those things then break it off with her.

[Guest DaddyBear:3]

How could I incorporate ddlg play into our sub dom relationship?

[Princess-P]

Tell her what you want. Act based on her response.

[Guest DaddyBear:3]

Normally she very open minded and wont make a decision untill she know the full story. But as children are her life and safeguarding is hammered into her, she quickly come to the defence of children. Saddly child abuse is something that come up in her job quite frequently.

My girlfriend is definitely more important to me then ddlg. This is more just a vent and seeing if I can do anything about it

[Princess-P]

All you can do is communicate with her. Nothing between two consenting adults is wrong so obviously she's uncomfortable with the dynamic so there's nothing you can do about it. You can however continue to love her and support her and act on caregiver tendencies because you don't need a defined dynamic to do that. You want to wash her in the bath? Then run a bath for her with bubbles and tell her you want to spoil her. Nothing you do has to be linked to CG/l. Being caring is something everyone should do with their partners.

[Frog]

It sounds to me like you may have to drop the idea of having it called a CG/l relationship. Before I knew more about CG/l and DD/lg, I was dating a woman who also taught small kids. She loves Dr Phil and apparently he had a couple on there, and the woman calls her boyfriend/husband "Daddy." Now, my then-girlfriend was telling me how gross that was, she'd never have those thoughts about her father, etc. I asked her flat out: did she say she had incestuous thoughts? No. Is her calling her man "Daddy" hurting you or us? No. Why is the phrase "Who's your daddy" funny but calling him "Daddy" gross? Dunno. Why is calling someone "Daddy" instantly incest but "Baby" isn't disgusting? Dunno. 

 

I'm not saying I won the debate or that I was right. But she did say it probably wasn't as bad as her first impression.

 

I'm just an internet stranger who doesn't know a thing about you and your girlfriend. And of course we're only hearing your side of this story. However, here's what I can gather: She's already a sub, probably a brat or a very challenging sub. You have the same caregiver instinct as CG/l or DD/lg. You two do pretty much a lot that's in this lifestyle anyway. 

 

But... here's where you need to hit the brakes. She, like many people, erroneously link DD/lg to pedophilia. You may need to just drop the DD/lg and CG/l terms. You may need to drop the idea of being called Daddy out of the bedroom, at least for now. You may never be able to call her your little or little girl. I'm not saying that to be mean or burst your bubble, but for now she's associating this with something vile. You know it's not, but for now at least she does.

 

More than anything, like everyone else said, communicate. If you don't, nothing will work anyway. Worst case, you two compromise. 

Edited February 8, 2017 by Frog