An Introspective

[DaddyJ88]

Before I get into the main body of this, I wanted to provide a little context. This is primarily going to be a place for me to gather my thoughts as I explore the world of DDlg; I'm open to comments and observations, but this is largely a place for me to gather my thoughts in the form of text. It's mostly going to take the form of a kind of stream of consciousness, so I'll apologise in advance for a lack of structure and for the generally self-indulgent tone. It's both a kind of catharsis, as well as a way to open up a little, in my own way. I'd ask that you respect the tone of this thread. I generally don't find these kinds of things easy, but I am trying to change my ways.

 

I also apologise if this is the wrong place to post this. It's not that 'creative' I guess, but it seemed kind of 'journal-esque' so I put it here. I do intend to continue it with more posts, so if a mod feels this is in the wrong place, please let me know so that I can continue it properly in the right section.

 

The Struggle

 

It's only been a short while since I have really accepted my interests in the DDlg lifestyle. It's always been something that I secretly wanted but I've spent most of my formative years and adult life constructing blockades within my mind about how I felt. For a long while I held a deep-seated concern that the way I viewed an 'ideal' relationship for me was deeply flawed in some way, that I held some perverse perspective that made me wrong, somehow. Even when I began reaching out across the internet to discover that I was far from alone in both my interests and my own feelings on the matter, I still couldn't shake the feeling that I was wrong to like what I did.

 

As time wore on, I started to resent myself for my own insecurity, compounding the original problem. It took a long, hard look at myself to realise that the only person that could break the trend of my self-destructive behaviour was me. The better part of two decades went into walling myself off from what I was truly searching for and even now, as I sit here writing this, I find myself struggling to express it. Half of me wants to delete it all and go back to lurking about the forums, reading and observing without contributing in any way. Not that this is such a stellar contribution, I suppose, but it may be a door to opening up a little and perhaps, in time, finding the conviction to make observations on others' threads.

 

I am not 'out' about what I desire, I suppose this doesn't come as much of a shock to those of you reading this. The idea of my friends and family discovering my interests still fills me with a cold dread. I honestly don't know if that's ever going to change. I've been a fairly private person, relationship-wise, for my whole life; not that my two, short, vanilla relationships really held that much to keep secret. I always felt like I was deluding myself with them and never let them get very far. Some small, idealistic part of my mind tells me that I was always holding out for something truer to what I really wanted, the larger part calls me craven. I'm still not sure which I believe.

 

My first foray into truly coming to grips with what I desired was a misstep, I know that now. I sought out a role playing environment, convincing myself that this was a way to give a voice to my desires. I see now that it was just another self-delusion. A way to not have to look for anything real or lasting. A quick fix that let me step into the shoes I wanted to fill with all the rewards and none of the challenges that would help me accept how I truly felt. I suppose, in some respects, I'm glad I did it because it really drove home to me that I didn't want anything so shallow, so gratuitous. Very shortly after joining this site, I ended it permanently. I'd begun to lose myself again in an artificial construction, a fantasy world that had no future and held no fulfilment beyond the immediate gratification. That too, faded quickly, leaving me with a sour taste in my mouth and made me realise I was quickly becoming someone I didn't want to be. Another lecherous, faceless internet personality of the kind I had always abhorred and then let myself drift too close to because it was easier than facing up to reality.

 

And then, despite all this, despite this churning maelstrom of self-doubt, I took a real first step. I made a commitment to myself to change myself for the better, or at very least to try and make myself a happier person by approaching what I wanted as directly as I could and I joined this community. I joined the chat and hoped I was as easygoing and at least mildly amusing as I knew I could be, in the right circumstances. I got lucky. I can't even begin to describe how lucky I feel. Since I took that tentative, nerve-wracking step towards honesty with myself, I've had some of the most liberating conversations of my life. That's not to say the struggle is over, by any means. I'm often asked questions that cause that tight knot to form in the pit of my stomach. I sit there with my answer all typed out, my finger hovering uncertainly over the send button; my desire to change, to be truly honest, clashing against the nagging self-doubt that tells me 'This is it; this is the one that finally puts an end to this conversation and all those that might come next. This is the step too far, the truth too visceral, too uncomprehendingly weird to ever be accepted.' but every time I force myself to send it, two things happen. I feel an immediate sense of relief, because it's done. It's out there now, there's no taking it back, there's no more worrying over ifs and buts, it's out of my hands. Then, a few minutes later, I experience a kind of joy I didn't think I ever would, when I get a reply that is always thoughtful and sensitive, comprehending in a way I never imagined I'd see.

 

Now I sit here wondering to myself: 'Do I want this struggle to be over?' In many ways, it reaffirms me in ways I hadn't ever considered. It forces me to look at myself in frank, searching ways that it would be all too easy to gloss over and ignore, to just slip back into my old ways, shove it all down and carry on wasting my time with games and shows and anything else I can cram into my day so I don't have to ask myself the hard questions.

 

I sort of hope the struggle never stops because, in some way I find it hard to express, it means I care. I care enough to worry, to deliberate, however frustrating that may be to those awaiting my reply. So now, each day, I find I face a brand new struggle, a struggle to express what I've always felt. A struggle to find a balance between my natural DD instincts and the reality of how they might be applied. The struggle to wean myself away from an elaborately constructed fantasy world and the practical, pragmatic approach that translates into real life, however that manifests itself.

 

So now I sit here again, my finger hovering over the post button. Reading and re-reading, criticising and worrying. One more plunge, one more step towards change. Will this get easier, some day? In equal measure, I pray it does and does not because I don't ever want to take this for granted. I don't ever want to diminish the amount this matters to me.

 

Thank you for reading, I hope this wasn't just the whiny, self-indulgence I fear it to be. Future posts will be more about what I have learned, my thoughts and feelings on this whole world that I am getting into. Things I have discovered or learned, things I question or support. At this moment, I couldn't tell you how it will unfold, I don't think I'd want that. 

 

J

[Guest Kittehmuffin]

Beautiful, honest sharing. I look forward to reading future sharings

[BabyGirl32015]

This is wonderful! I love how personal it is and that you are opening yourself up to... well practically thousands of people so willingly! Thank you for trusting us and I hope that you find what your looking for here and everywhere else you go!

[DaddyJ88]

Thank you for the kind words.

 

You get bonus points for getting the incredible awful pun in this title. The person that I tested it upon was not impressed which, to my mind, means it is a success!

 

The Brat Pact

 

As I continue my haphazard stumblings through this new frontier, I often find myself reevaluating my own wants and needs in relation to those helping me along this journey. I suppose I should clear up what I mean.

 

I am a big lover of bratty behaviour. I think it is unbearably cute, at times; the little pouts, the stomping foot, the bold-faced denial of any semblance of logic or counterpoint to what the brat wants to happen. It makes me smile and laugh almost immediately. But like anyone, I have limits and there are times when I must put my foot down, adopt as serious a face as I can manage in the circumstances and restore something that, at least to a cursory glance, resembles order.

 

But it is after these moments that I sit and think to myself: 'Am I creating a confusing environment, here?' 

 

When I envisage the perfect scenario for me and a little under my care, it is one of a safe space. An arena for a little to lose themselves in the moment, to grasp that wonderful way of seeing the world and interacting with it and take me along for the ride, so that I might share in that sense of wonder. It is a place where the freedom to be silly and perhaps even a little crazy (or a crazy little) is my foremost concern. But then there must be rules, there must be limits in place, both for safety as well as sanity.

 

What I worry about is inadvertently creating a situation where I confuse a little, I allow them the leeway to express themselves but then am forced to clamp down on it if it goes too far. In many respects, I view the DD role as someone who is there to provide that nurturing, sheltered space as well as protect its boundaries and reel in a little that might be climbing up the fence and hurling themselves into the great beyond, out of reach of my protection.

 

Their desire, at least from my perspective, is the freedom to wrap themselves in the littlespace, to slough off the concerns and weights of the adult world for however long and indulge themselves. Mine is to nurture that, to laugh along with the silly antics while still maintaining control. But am I being selfish by not being firmer? Am I simply losing myself to the moment, just as they are, in some vicarious passenger capacity until I have had enough and then turning around and putting a stop to it all?

 

So now I wonder about the Brat Pact. I think many of my concerns would be assuaged if there were a clearly defined agreement about just how far is too far. I want limited chaos, fenced in anarchy. This dichotomy is not such an easy thing to formulate, let alone actually define sensibly.

 

I don't want to be stifling, but I still want to be in control of the situation. Would some agreement help create that atmosphere? Or would it simply trample the spontaneity that goes hand in hand with such freedom?

 

I do not think I would want some diminutive, obedient, sycophantic little nodding along to every word I say. I want them to have their own mind. I want to be challenged, surprised and delighted by the things they say and do; but at the end of the day, I want them to know when enough is enough, when the line is drawn. I don't want to damage their confidence and freedom of expression by having poorly defined boundaries that suddenly leave them wondering when they stepped over the line. Too much freedom, in the long run, can be as damaging as too much control.

 

Life is balance, I suppose I am still searching for mine.

 

J.