Guest sensitivekitten Posted January 31, 2017 Report Posted January 31, 2017 Hi everyone, I have a wonderful Daddy. We have an amazing relationship but there's something huge in the way. My Daddy is married with kids. We didn't intend for things to go this way but they have and we both feel very guilty. We've never met and our relationship is all through text/phonecalls/facetime. I know divorce takes a long time and is complicated, and he wants one. He's halted everything with his relationship with his wife for me. No affection, sex, and they barely talk. She doesn't know anything about our relationship. He says the only reason things have to be this way is because of his kids, which I understand and respect, but I still can't control how I feel. Here comes the part I'm ashamed of. Daddy claims me as his own but I can't stop feeling like I have to come second or third, when I want to be first. I'm Daddy's girl and that part of me just aches for more from him. It makes me feel horrible to say, but how can he be my Daddy when he has actual children that come first? I worry that even when we can be together, the fact that he's already been married and already had kids will hang over our relationship. I won't be his first wife, and someone else has already given him his first kids. How can anything be special between us when he's done it all? I also worry that I'd be jealous of the kids. They're adorable and amazing and I don't think anything can really compare to that kind of love. I'm just bitter, full of jealousy, and i'm really ashamed of it. How messed up am I? ugh. Is there anyone out there who can help me cope with these feelings?
Guest Loki Posted January 31, 2017 Report Posted January 31, 2017 I'm sorry this is happening to you, but he IS NOT your Daddy. He will never be yours, even if he gets a divorce and even if he never had kids. I know you don't want to hear this, but he is cheating on not just his wife, but his kids as well. Do you want to risk him cheating on you? Finding another woman and keeping it a secret from you? Drop him, ASAP. Never be the other woman. Hold your head high and I promise you'll find a Daddy that actually deserves you. 8
CrazyLittleBuggaBoo Posted January 31, 2017 Report Posted January 31, 2017 Awwwwwwwww sweetie, your getting played. He's a married man, do you know how often a married man with a family actually leave their wife for their mistress to live an happily ever after life? Yeah, like almost never. He's lying to is wife and family, he's cheating on his wife and family and he's more than likely lying to you. If he really felt guilty and he really plains on divorce, then why is he lying and hiding everything? You think you have an amazing relationship with him, but as far as you know his wife could be thinking the same, that they have an amazing relationship. I mean, have you seen the divorce papers? How do you know it's not all just a line? And how many other women are they? Ones he hasn't told you or his wife about? He hasn't told his wife about you, what's stopping him from hiding other women from you? Do you really want a relationship with this man? He's already in a relationship and being shady... There's nothing stopping you from become his next "wife", meaning theirs nothing stopping him from treating you like he treats his wife. Just because he says he loves you and cares about you. Take a look at his actions. There isn't anything special between you two, if you where special you wouldn't be the second women he's hiding from his family. Yes you do in fact have to come second, because he is a father and he's children so always come first. And if they don't, well that just speaks volumes about the kind of person he is... 5
Guest Stevecarr998 Posted January 31, 2017 Report Posted January 31, 2017 I'm sorry but I have to agree this is going to be hard to hear but he is using you If and its a very big if he ever leaves his wife and kids what makes you think he won't do this to you as well I'm so sorry for you and I know its hard but my advice is to dump him as soon as you can and move on 1
AsleepAndDreaming Posted January 31, 2017 Report Posted January 31, 2017 You're totally right that his children come first, and they always will do. So it's the same for any couple who get together when one of them has kids - the other half of the couple has to adapt and understand... What I don't get is how you know that he and his wife have no affection, no sex and barely talk? Is that what he tells you? I'm sorry to be really honest and I'm sorry if this hurts you, but what do you expect him to say? If you've never met him then he is going to tell you whatever you want to hear and my gut reaction is what others have said - that he is stringing you along. My advice would be to take a big deep breath and start again, find someone who makes you the centre of their world. Because you deserve that don't you?
Guest Loki Posted January 31, 2017 Report Posted January 31, 2017 Sorry for posting again, but I think you should also know if somehow he does leave his wife and you get married you have one huge problem that no one has mentioned. His kids will hate you with every fibre of their being, because to them you will always be the one that destroyed their parents relationship. Please love yourself enough to move on. 1
Daddy's_Babygirl Posted January 31, 2017 Report Posted January 31, 2017 So while I agree with the others assessment of this situation, that's not the advice you came here seeking and each person has to make their own choices. I am going to do my best to give you my advice. Here's a little back story. When Daddy and I got together he had a son. His ex wasn't involved much and the boy was 2. I was never ever jealous of him.... but very jealous of his ex. I've raised that boy over the last 5 years, adopted him, and to him I am mommy. It's been nearly 5 years and I still have moments of jealousy for his ex. What helps me is to remember he chose me. Not her, me. Yes she gave him his first child, something I could never do, but he chose me. Do you want children? If not, this probably isn't a good route for you. You may not be their mother but part of the time those kids will be with you and you need to be able to be a role model to them. You can't very well do that if you resent them the entire time. His children will always and should always come first. I'm sorry, but you are not an actual child, you are an adult who is more than capable of carring for themselves. His kids don't have that luxury. On top of that, you two chose this relationship, his kids were forced into it. I urge you to sit down and think of the other parties involved here and put yourself in their shoes. I worry you may not be emotionally mature enough for the type of complicated dynamic this relationship could surely entail. 2
Daddy's Meg Posted January 31, 2017 Report Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) . How can anything be special between us when he's done it all? I also worry that I'd be jealous of the kids. They're adorable and amazing and I don't think anything can really compare to that kind of love. I'm just bitter, full of jealousy, and i'm really ashamed of it. How messed up am I? ugh. Is there anyone out there who can help me cope with these feelings? I share everyone's concern for you. However since you asked about jealousy of children and experiences I hope i can give a little advice. You say how can it be special if he's done it all. This goes with anyone you meet that's had past relationships. Unless you seek out a virgin with no past, there will always be firsts you miss. But it doesn't matter because they aren't Your (as a couple) firsts. You've eaten ice cream before? Sure. But the first time someone you love takes you out for ice cream, is it less special just be a use you've had it before? No. Because it's with them. You just have to take time and get rational with yourself about how important First is over doing it Together. As for children. They should come first and you should probably want that. Would you respect him if he brought people into the world and didn't put them first? Love for ones children is different than romantic. Both as equally important. But you can certainly expect to be your partner's first priority when it comes to a romantic relationship (if you want monogamy of course). Everyone deserves that. This issue won't solve itself in the situation you are in unfortunately. Until you have a partner that is only there for you alone romantically, it's going to be really hard to remind yourself you are the only person he romantically wants. I hope it all works out in the end. Edited January 31, 2017 by she's daddy's
TeddybearCandyfloss Posted February 1, 2017 Report Posted February 1, 2017 Completely putting aside everything else for a sec, you're saying this man is keeping an intimate relationship with you while still being married? They haven't even separated??? That is cheating. I know we all want to give the benefit of the doubt, but in my experience, once a cheater always a cheater. Think about your situation, he is keeping you a secret from her. That doesn't seem to insinuate that they are planning to divorce. Honey, drop him, he may seem like the best thing since sliced bread but he is bad news. 4
Guest Candy Minx ♡ Posted February 1, 2017 Report Posted February 1, 2017 Completely putting aside everything else for a sec, you're saying this man is keeping an intimate relationship with you while still being married? They haven't even separated??? That is cheating. I know we all want to give the benefit of the doubt, but in my experience, once a cheater always a cheater. Think about your situation, he is keeping you a secret from her. That doesn't seem to insinuate that they are planning to divorce. Honey, drop him, he may seem like the best thing since sliced bread but he is bad news. i'm glad someone acknowledged the strong possibility that it's cheating.engaging with a married man in the first place isn't exactly the smartest thing to do, even if he said he's wanting a divorce. he keeps you a secret. and you're okay with this? i get what he's doing is wrong but your head truly must not be in the right place if you think engaging with a married man, in something like this, with the knowledge you have of him being married and having a family and not telling anyone about you is something that is okay to do. to his wife or kids. don't encourage behavior like that by continuing to engage in something toxic like this. not slamming blame on you but you need to bring common sense into play when viewing what's going on here. this affects more than just YOU. i have to agree with babygirls post up there, you don't really seem emotionally mature enough to deal with something like this. between the cheating and not realizing that someone's child is going to come before you speaks volumes. 2
Guest sensitivekitten Posted February 1, 2017 Report Posted February 1, 2017 Thank you for the replies, all. No, I'm not mentally in a good place. I'm trying to find a therapist to see but things have been so hard. And I worry that I may not be emotionally mature enough. That is a fair assessment of this. We also have an age gap. I'm 21 and he's 35. I've never experienced anything but relationships without kids. i'm glad someone acknowledged the strong possibility that it's cheating.engaging with a married man in the first place isn't exactly the smartest thing to do, even if he said he's wanting a divorce. he keeps you a secret. and you're okay with this? i get what he's doing is wrong but your head truly must not be in the right place if you think engaging with a married man, in something like this, with the knowledge you have of him being married and having a family and not telling anyone about you is something that is okay to do. to his wife or kids. don't encourage behavior like that by continuing to engage in something toxic like this. not slamming blame on you but you need to bring common sense into play when viewing what's going on here. this affects more than just YOU. i have to agree with babygirls post up there, you don't really seem emotionally mature enough to deal with something like this. between the cheating and not realizing that someone's child is going to come before you speaks volumes.
Guest sensitivekitten Posted February 1, 2017 Report Posted February 1, 2017 I share everyone's concern for you. However since you asked about jealousy of children and experiences I hope i can give a little advice. You say how can it be special if he's done it all. This goes with anyone you meet that's had past relationships. Unless you seek out a virgin with no past, there will always be firsts you miss. But it doesn't matter because they aren't Your (as a couple) firsts. You've eaten ice cream before? Sure. But the first time someone you love takes you out for ice cream, is it less special just be a use you've had it before? No. Because it's with them. You just have to take time and get rational with yourself about how important First is over doing it Together. As for children. They should come first and you should probably want that. Would you respect him if he brought people into the world and didn't put them first? Love for ones children is different than romantic. Both as equally important. But you can certainly expect to be your partner's first priority when it comes to a romantic relationship (if you want monogamy of course). Everyone deserves that. This issue won't solve itself in the situation you are in unfortunately. Until you have a partner that is only there for you alone romantically, it's going to be really hard to remind yourself you are the only person he romantically wants. I hope it all works out in the end. Thank you for the compassionate response. This is a really hard thing to deal with and I'm already bashing myself so hard.
angel-k47 Posted February 4, 2017 Report Posted February 4, 2017 (edited) don't ever bash yourself, it is not your fault. i was in a similar situation just earlier this year (this year being 2016 ) and if there's one thing i know, is that married men at that age are not just gonna stop being married men at that age. it may seem all love and that but it really isn't, he is thinking of himself and himself alone and the best thing for you is to think only of you too! leave that man bc he isn't leaving his wife so stop wasting your time on him. it's hard but things really do work out in the end. if you ever want to talk i am here for you since i know how horrible of a situation you are going through. be well! Edited February 4, 2017 by angel-k47
Guest ASerpent Posted February 5, 2017 Report Posted February 5, 2017 I agree with the others. I guess he is not going to leave his family for someone he hasn't even met (personally) yet. I assume he just tries to get something (the DDLG thing) from you, that maybe his wife refuses to give him. I think it's your decision if "playing around" is enough for you, or if you are looking for something serious. If second, you should drop him and move on.
Little.Sophie Posted February 7, 2017 Report Posted February 7, 2017 (I'm in little mode and can't give advice as well as if I were in Mommy mode so I may come back and edit this once I can switch over but...)Those feelings are not healthy and will create a toxic relationship for the two of you and can damage his relationship with his biological family. I suggest working through your jealousy and probably finding a different Daddy you can feel more secure with.
BigCityLittleGirl Posted February 22, 2017 Report Posted February 22, 2017 Agree with everyone here pretty much. Please don't mess with married men, don't be that girl. Possibly, you accept him being taken bc you don't feel deserving of full attention to yourself? Get therapy. It sounds scary but I promise it won't be. Use zocdoc.Com to find a local therapist, I did and it helped greatly. My daddy has even joined a few sessions with me so we can resolve our issues. I noticed you are from new York. I'm in NYC and girl you will definitely find someone in this city I promise! Even if it's for online only there are so many people in NYC that you are bound to find someone with your interests! Try to look up little meets I'm also looking for that. Having friends in the community can help you with problems and possibly help hook you up with someone trust worthy.
honey_bear Posted February 23, 2017 Report Posted February 23, 2017 I had feeling just like that when i first got with my daddy. However my daddy was already divorced and lived seperate form his ex and had for a few months. Though i have to say its very unlikely he will actually get a divorce from his wife honey it sounds like hes using you but if hes not i had the same feeling of not being able to give him anything special because hes already done it all. he also had a child form the relationship and i felt ashamed ad jealous and like i could never be put first. A key thing is that your relationship is diffrent and that makes it special! if you have exes is dosent make your new so/ daddy and less fun! and in the way of feeling less important if your daddy dose get a divore and the kids will most likely have their time split between the two so when we dont havs his daughter i take center stage and make sure i get the daddy time i need. Im very luck and get along great with my now legal step daughter! good luck?
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