Asking advice from Littles with kids or stepkids

[CrazyLittleBuggaBoo]

I don't really have a problem, but I'd still like some advice.

 

Mister Master has worked it out with the mother of his daughter and will be able to see his daughter more often than he has been able. So YAY! there. I'm really glad that we get to have her more often and he'll been able to spend all that important time with his daughter. Who is 5years old. No I have no problem with the child. She's a pretty awesome little kid, really silly and adorable. She can be a brat at times, but hey who isn't a brat at times? She's a sweetie and whenever she would come over, if her mother sent her with snacks or something, she's make sure there was enough to share with me. I've taken her shopping before and we've gotten Happy Meals together. Even 'fought' together to get Mister Master to watch kiddie shows with us. So your thinking where could there even possible be an issue?

 

Well first, I could use some attitude help... for me. See Mister Master and I went to school together. And so did the mother of his daughter. Way, way, way before those two even hooked up, I hated this female. One of those people that just for some reason you can't really put your finger on but you just don't like. I mean, I saw her and I didn't like her. Then as time went on, I just disliked her more and more. She's one of those girls, you know, not such a good roll model I'll say. I have a few reasons to not like her now with all the years that past, but I'm not here to shittalk anyone. I was sooo sooo happy after school when I would never ever have to deal with this person again... Gee funny how life works... ... I love Mister Master very much and I like his daughter. But just the thought of dealing with her mother puts me in a bad mood. No matter how much I try to hide it, Mister Master can always tell if there is something bothering me. I need to figure out how to stop letting this bad mood over take me. I hate for Mister Master to think I don't want he's daughter around, because I want for him to see her very very much. But it can take me all day to get a control on my moods when he just has to deal with talking to her on the phone, let alone having to go over or having her come here to drop off his daughter.

 

Second thing. I know what it's like to only be able to visit your Daddy as a child. I was rised with my parents split up. While I know his daughter likes me and wants all of us to hang out together, I also know that she wants to be just with him. Cause, well I've been there. I understand what it's like to have to visit. When she has come over, I often give them a lot of space to themselves. I want them to enjoy their time together while they have it. I think sometimes I give them too much space and seem uninterested or upset. But being that age and have gone throw this myself, I just want to make sure she gets the time and attention she craves from him. How can I tell when I'm giving too much space?

 

One more thing... I'm not very good at sharing. Well I mean I am, but I'm not. Being Little, I have a lot of toys. And being a little kid his daughter likes toys lol And I have this problem with sharing actually every scents I was a child. I've always taken really good care of my toys, so they wouldn't break and would be around for a long time. Most children don't, and I've never shared my better toys with other children. I don't want to be a horrible person, and I have a few toys around I don't mind sharing. But I also have alot of important toys I don't want to share. What do I do? I don't have any place I can hide away things I don't want to share. I feel like a jerk just for being like this, but I really like to take care of my toys. It's just how I've always played with them. Most of my favorite toys as a kid my parents didn't even realize how much they where played with because I was that good about caring for them. ((It's been a short while scents we've gotten to see his daughter and we plan on taking her shopping and stuff because her mother wouldn't let us see her for Christmas))

 

Anybody have any ideas for me? It would be a big help.

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

Hi there! Let me give you a little background to begin.

 

My Daddy and I are married. When we got together we were 100% vanilla. And he was a single dad. The mother of his son was hardly around, and he raised his little boy. We got together just months before I turned 19. We moved in together quickly, and I quickly became a mother figure to his son who was 3 when we moved in together. I absolutely hated the boys mother. She gave my Daddy his first child, and that hurt. What hurt worse though was the way she tore the little boy up inside with broken promises. Fast forward to today. Our son is now 7. I adopted him. His mother isn't involved in our lives and he doesn't remember her. He knows she exists only because we've told him. He knows no negative about her, though there are plenty.

 

Talk to your partner about allowing them to spend alone time together. He needs to understand why it is you're leaving them alone. This will also allow him to help know when the right time for you to become involved is as well as show him you do care about his daughter.

 

As far as getting over your feelings of her... that's hard, as they're feelings that have been brewing for a long time. Ask yourself.... is she worth your sadness/anger? Ask yourself, is your partner worth your happiness? Right now, you are allowing her to inflict a negative mood on you which in turn I am certain affects your partners mood and the time you spend together. Is she worth all of that?

 

The toys.... I don't think there is anything wrong with not sharing everything. Maybe allow her to buy a few toys that she doesn't have to share and can leave at your house. I don't have toys, I only have three stuffies. Only one of them as I absolutely opposed to sharing with my children. My dad got it when I was younger, it's the last thing he got me before he passed away when I was 15. I don't share him with anyone.

[HeCallsMePrincess]

when it comes to dealing with the girl's mother, you're just going to learn to deal. you'll have to be a grown up and be civil during drop offs and pick ups. other times? you probably wont have to deal, but i guarantee it will make that little girl 100% more comfortable with you if you get along with her mother. it's not easy as the mother to get along with my ex husband's girlfriends all the time, but luckily this latest one is super sweet and we get along great and you can tell the difference in our boys.

 

as for the toys, put a couple of your favorites in a box and slide it under your bed. or get some special toys that are just for you and her to play with together and pull those out when she visits.

 

daddy daughter dates would be great in this situation, i think. let them go out for lunch together alone one day, or a movie,  or ice cream or something and when they come back home you can all have time together.

[Guest]

When I was in a vanilla relationship with my ex having to see or talk to his baby mama was the worse! She freaking hated me. She tried to belittle be all the time. Asking if I was "of age" for my ex to be with me. I was 20-21 while dating him he was 28-29 and she was 9 years older than him so she realllllly hated me because I was younger. ( At least that was her main attack at me) over all I was always nice to her no matter what cuz I cared about their son. I didn't want to be rude to his mom no matter how big of a bitch she was to me. (Over all they both kind of sucked as parents. Both too selfish to put aside stuff for their child) but anyways. As much as I wanted to punch this bitch in the throat every time I had contact with her I just tried my best to be the better person and behave like a good roll model for their son. I saw how both of his parents acted to one another so I wanted to show him that you can still be nice no matter what. (The kid was like 3-4 at the time so I was very careful to be a lovely person around him). Most of the time when my ex had his son around I let them hang out and have fun. We would go to the park and stuff and all enjoy it. The son over time really got attached to me and would be like Hey come play, even telling his dad like NO I WANT HER TO DO  whatever it was (like pushing him on the swing or helping him tie his shoes. ) (mind you I had to help potty train him at 3 cuz neither of his parents would step up, started teaching him his ABC's and numbers and so on. ) 

 

Dealing with baby mamas (or daddies) can be a pain in the ass but no matter what the child(s) is not at fault and everyone should just do their best to put aside the petty stuff and get along. 

Edited January 17, 2017 by Arya

[Princess-P]

Sometimes it is hard to put your attitude away. Thinking about how proud your daddy will be of you or how great it is that he sees his daughter more and how happy it makes him might help. And eventually it will be easier.

 

Its great you want to give them space but I do see what your saying. Maybe making plans with a friend for an hour or two or like it was suggested having them go out together for a special time is more than enough. Too much space might give the wrong impression even if your heart is in the right place.

 

Even though my Daddy and I are together we love spending some one on one time with our daughter but I find that with working different schedules so much she often craves family time. So doing special things all together helps to balance it out. So also plan for times together. Movie and game nights are awesome for kids that age (our daughter is 6).

 

Why not look for an ottoman to store your more special toys in. A toy box sounds great and cute but might also call her attention. An ottoman at the end of the bed or against a wall won't. You can even put a few folded blankets on top to make it more boring. Not wanting to share everything is fine. I have crayons and a computing book my daughter isn't allowed to use and I keep them in my room.

[CrazyLittleBuggaBoo]

Thank you everyone for your replies! His daughter and I really do get along pretty great together, and she's a real trip to have around. She's just so silly and weird, just like a kid should be. It really bugs me that I let her mother get under my skin they way she does. I know I have to put my big girl panties on and get over it, and I really do try it's just so hard. Daddy's_Babygirl you are right, she's not worth it. I tell myself this all the time, and I try so hard not to let it get under my skin. Like Arya said, I try to be good and well behaved and nice and be a good role model for his daughter, because well she needs a good nice loving female roll model. I don't know how to force myself to get past it. I can from a spilt family, and my mother was not a good role model for me to be a step mother. She hated my step sister and her mother so very much. She made my step sister feel so shitty and horrible. My other sister also had a step child, she hated this child's mother as well and cause the child much discomfort. I don't want to end up like them. I'm scared I'm going to because I don't know how to control my emotions. I mean, I can hide them and be nice. I would never just shittalk to his daughter about her mother, and I don't treat her badly because I don't like her mother. Even thought I can "hide" it when I'm dealing with these bad moods, the better you know me, you know somethings wrong even if you don't know what. It really bugs me. I want to be a better person than that. I've been in her shoes and I don't want to make her feel anything like that. I just don't know how to fit it... :<

 

I like that idea have buying her her own special toys she doesn't have to share, that she can leave at our place. I'd also like to get his daughter a few of her own clothes she can keep at our place as well. When I was a child, I had things at both my parents houses and it really made things easier and nicer. She is very hard on her stuff, a normal toy breaker. Not that she breaks her toys, no more than other children her age. That's why I really like the idea of having her a few toys she doesn't have to share. It could be a good way to teach her how to take care of her things.

 

Right now we live in a small trailer and I don't have room to hide away anything. However Princess-P I really like your ottoman idea. I'll have to remember that for when we move.

[SpinSpinSugar]

I get where you are coming from - when I was younger, I didn't handle situations like this AT ALL well, so kudos to you in advance for handling it a lot better than I did at your age. 

 

I'm older and ...well, older now and as I'm currently in the situation again I've learned quite a bit. My Daddy's ex is a nightmare, and I adore his two children, and he's very fond of my son too. But his ex doesn't want me anywhere in the picture, even went so far as to try and deny him seeing his children if we moved in. Things had to progress to getting a court order to secure living arrangements.  There's a lot of reasons and issues, which I won't go into here, but suffice to say things were really unpleasant, and dealing with someone so toxic was difficult at first. Things are better now as her contact with my Daddy is now greatly diminished (she used to text or call him all the time, turning even the tiniest thing into a huge crisis - the boundaries were nearly non-existent). But there were things which I needed to establish from the start:

 

First of all, communication is key. If you're worried about your partner getting the wrong idea about wanting to give him space, then definitely speak to him about it and make sure to let him know you want him to have quality time with his child.  I made it very clear to my Daddy that quality time with his kids would always come first in my opinion, but that I didn't want our lives to be separate either as I didn't want to be a stranger living in his house and disappear when the kids were over (he heartily agreed with this). So we figured out a good balance and will proceed with that in the future.

 

Now, you I kind of feel your description of what is going on is a bit vague. That you didn't like someone in high school shouldn't affect your entire day. I personally don't feel this is a matter of 'control the emotions' (a phrase I dislike, emotions are human), but perhaps acknowledging and addressing them. Is it jealousy? Is she particularly nasty in regard to you? What is the underlying trigger here? Again, I don't think 'controlling emotions' is the answer as that's just a way to try and plaster things over and shove it down as being 'bad and wrong'. There is no wrong - you're human, you're going to feel things, and that is ok. But not addressing them isn't ok. 

 

Example; my Daddy's ex had some serious boundary issues when we first got involved. Her mental illness was used often as an excuse for her behaviour, but I definitely felt there needed to be better boundaries. My Daddy and his ex split up a decade ago, but she was still treating him as if they were in a relationship and called him in a panic or a tizzy whenever there was a bit of upset on her end; 1am phonecalls because she couldn't find her car keys in her own house was common! Her attitude toward me was pretty awful, treating me as if I was the 'other woman'. This frustrated me no end, and also made me feel weirdly jealous - the sheer amount of time they spent texting each other was pretty big, and Daddy was clearly the first person she contacted whenever she had a crisis. And there was always a crisis.

 

At first I tried to be the 'better person' but this type of high-conflict individual was never going to suddenly come round. I had to do a lot of soul searching and reading up to figure out where my head was, and what my role was - and that also took communication with Daddy. I felt (and feel now) the ex and I didn't need to speak to each other because, in my opinion, I'm not any of her business. Her business is her children, and that is between her and Daddy, not me. I'm not trying to be mum, and I'm not trying to take over.  It's not my job. I also felt that boundaries needed to be established on what was parenting and what was pure attention-seeking, and that took a lot of communication with Daddy and working together through how we felt, and what our ideal scenario would be for the future, and whether any of it was achievable. So once those boundaries of what fell under the heading of 'parenting' was established, things got a lot easier.

 

And what really, really helped through all this was communication. Communication in a relationship is something my Daddy hasn't ever experienced before. I used to 'stuff' things down too when I was younger, and then would either end up exploding or the emotional turmoil would tear me up inside instead. I stopped doing that. Now, if something is bothering me, I speak to Daddy about it. Even if it feels petty. Even if it IS petty. In all honestly, I think 95% of the questions on this or any forum about relationships can be answered by 'Talk to your partner'. I can't stress it enough - and my Daddy says regularly that he is so grateful and amazed I actually SPEAK to him rather than brood. We work it through, we work it out, and he gives me the reassurance I need. After all, that's his job! So we discussed what we both expected, what we wanted, what we didn't want, what our worries were, and so on. Of course, that means we still have to check in from time to time and see what might have changed, but communication is everything. If you are well aware people pick up on the fact you're hiding something, why are you hiding? Address that, and you'll have another piece to the puzzle you're trying to put together.

 

Finally - as coming from a not-so-stellar childhood, I want to assure you right now to not work yourself up into a frenzy of wanting to create the 'perfect' scenario. In my opinion, your role is to be a loving, caring partner to your Mister, and to show compassion and be welcoming to his child, but it isn't your job to create the perfect childhood for someone because your own was rubbish. That's another form of establishing boundaries and one I've been very careful about personally in this current relationship, to make sure I don't overstep the mark. There is no 'perfect', there is 'best I can do at the time with the knowledge I have'. I've made quite a few mistakes as a parent, but I've also had some good successes. 

 

This is a bit of a long ramble, but I hope you can glean a bit from it.

Edited January 19, 2017 by SpinSpinSugar