praise vs punishment. advice?

[Guest littlevulcangirl]

I've been into kink a while but have never been submissive for anyone. Mainly because humiliation and punishment really isn't my thing (e.g. I like pain but I don't want to receive it as punishment). I get turned off by being called naughty and stuff I really can't stand it. But I've found that being praised is a big turn on. And can pop me into little/middle space (my last relationship was before I realised I'm little so I didn't know this was what was happening).

 

I guess my question is, is this normal, something other people do? Do mommies and daddies need to give punishment as part of their role, or are there some that don't mind leaving that out? I just don't wanna be humiliated or degraded like a lot of subs want. But I still like doing kinky things.

 

Like, I wanna find a mommy domme some day but am I the wrong kind of little?

 

Thanks, I'm new and appreciate advice x

[Guest]

I dont think you are the wrong kind of little. I am sure there are some mommies that are fine with out using punishments or possible punishments you both agree to. (all ddlg relationships should discuss rules and punishments together and both parties must agree before hand)

maybe check this out and see if it'll help 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12727-a-starting-point-for-rules-rewards-punishments/

[Guest countlieberkuhn]

I asked a similar question when I first joined, except from the other side of the coin.  I wanted to look after and cherish someone, but I'm not into giving punishments or strictly setting rules to follow.  Lots of positive responses were given saying that it doesn't really matter at all.  DDLG couples vary, and rules & punishments work for some and not others.

 

I'm sure there'll be someone who meets your needs here, it just might take a little longer to find them

[Guest littlevulcangirl]

Thank you Arya. I think I'm mainly worried about verbal stuff, being told off or being called naughty. I guess that's a bit different to a punishment. But I looked at the list and there's some stuff there that helps

 

Thanks countlieberkuhn yes that sounds really nice dynamic.

 

The rules and punishments side of this is still really new to me. Until I realised I'm little I thought it was something people roleplayed in the bedroom and nothing else. But there's a whole lot more. So I guess it's a bit overwhelming lol.

 

x

[Littlest_Lushie]

Their is not a right or wrong way to be a little. I don't like being told I'm bad or experience being degraded- and my Daddy doesn't like saying those things either. My Daddy sets rules without punishments, or the punishments are just "I'm disappointed that you didn't listen, I know you can be good. Please don't do that again." Usually if I do anything wrong, I know it and I feel super guilty anyway- so knowing I disappointed my Daddy is enough. We don't feel the need to use physical punishments or degrading "lessons." I think for me personally, their is a way that my Daddy can "tell me off" while being loving, nurturing, and coming from a "I just want my baby to be the best she can be and learn" standpoint. A stern, yet gentle talk can work wonders- punishments and humiliation is never required to be in this type of lifestyle. 

 

I understand that it can be overwhelming. We as a couple personally have loose rules that are ever changing to meet the needs of the situations that arise. Dd/lg does not have a rulebook. You don't have to do x,y, and z to be a little. 

 

I highly recommend finding yourself and what within this lifestyle that you enjoy. What makes you feel little, and what you need in a Daddy. Make some friends and seek to learn more. And while finding yourself, I suspect a Daddy may find you (or vice versa!)

[Princess-P]

Don't worry about the rules and punishment side of CG/l because there really isn't a need for rules or punishments.

 

I've never had rules as part of my dynamic and lord help my Daddy if he ever tried to set them lol. If you don't like punishment then tell anyone who your considering a relationship with that you don't want that.

 

Other than in a sexual manor or during roleplay my Daddy would never call me names. And he only does at that time because we both enjoy it.

 

Its all about what works for you. There's no standard when it comes to this dynamic.

[Guest littlevulcangirl]

Ok. Thanks Lushie and P. 

 

i guess I'm worried a potential mommy would have expectations that i wouldn't want, but you set my mind at ease. 

[Littlest_Lushie]

Oh, I'm so sorry that I kept saying Daddy in my post, I see now that you want a Mommy Domme in the future. My apologies dear. Probably habit of me to type. However, I still believe that all what I said should still apply.

 

And the thing about a potential Mommy that has expectations that you don't want? Thats where communication and understanding comes into play! If it is meant to work or compatibility is their- a Mommy will work with you to find out what you like and don't like. And if a Mommy doesn't, then that isn't the Mommy for you. Despite the low number of Mommies compared to Daddies seen on this site- you still don't have to settle. I promise. Patience and self exploration in the mean time will be super helpful

[Guest littlevulcangirl]

Aw. Thanks that helps

[poppi]

Personally, I would never humiliate someone that has not expressed a desire to be humiliated.

 

Rules, guidelines, punishments should all be discussed prior to a punishment is handed out.

 

I love to praise and watch a good little light up.

 

Some littles will push rules to the point that their dominant has no choice but to give punishment on purpose.

[Satin Bow]

Some of us are wired to be reactful towards pleasure and praise and others enjoy that little bit of fear of punishment. You can be motivated by avoiding pain or stimulated by reward. I rather get called a good girl and feel like I make someone special proud rather than feeling like a naughty girl too

[Satin Bow]

I guess it's similar to real parenting styles, even training puppies Positive or negative reinforcement is very personal from person to person.

[Guest littlevulcangirl]

Positive reinforcement is definitely my thing.

 

I have a hard limit on the word naughty, I've had people start using that word and I've had to tell them no.

[Guest Appacheian]

How varied and individual the whole DDLG relationship is. It's good to read others views of how their relationship is for them and I'm constantly researching other kinds of relationships in the bdsm world. There are no hard and fast rules, no text book you can buy and follow sheepishly. Your relationship is a creation between you and your chosen and no two relationships are ever the same. Just as you feel you don't need punishments or correction there are others that do. I wish there was a handbook to this and say go read this and come back happy lol. There isn't one for a good reason.

[Fluttershypinkypie]

When I hear I'm in trouble and may get punished i genuinely feel sick, but sometime I deserve and need punishment to help guide me... praise drops me into little space so quickly I love hearing good girl!!!

[LittleTeacup]

Degradation is a hard limit for me. Humiliation too. Don't even call me naughty (besides teasingly for something like I ate all the cookies ). I will feel legitimately bad and be afraid to talk with you or become overly obedient trying desperately to fix whatever I think I've done wrong. This goes extra if I'm feeling vulnerable.

 

However, I do react very strongly (positively) to praise. In a relationship, I just want to be your good girl. I want to make you proud. I might be nervous and shy, but with enough soft encouragement and praise, I could probably be convinced to do all sorts of things. As long as you shower me in love and tenderness, I will be happy to do whatever you ask. Restrain me in pretty ribbons and call me sweet names. Make me confess my fantasies while we cuddle and tell me you're so proud.

 

Rules/guidelines for my wellbeing are ok. Have I showered recently? Have I eaten healthily enough? Confided in my partner when I'm frustrated or upset so we can address it together? And if I'm acting out, then instead of harsh punishments I'd want to be taken to a safe quiet place and asked why?

 

At heart, I want a nurturing relationship where I feel safe to be my authentic self without being judged. In public, I want others to think we're the sweetest couple ever and be impressed with our respect for one another.

[Ebony Fruit Bat]

At heart, I want a nurturing relationship where I feel safe to be my authentic self without being judged. In public, I want others to think we're the sweetest couple ever and be impressed with our respect for one another.

This is 100% me. I don't want or need spankings for bad behavior. A single word with the right tone of voice can stop any bad behavior or correct me when I'm being too playful. I will also give an immediate apology (in most cases). I just want whomever I'm with to be happy with me as a good girl. Praise me, give me snuggle hugs, let me num your fingers. And, sometimes let me think I'm misbehaving (I like thinking I'm a rule breaking rebel), but don't spank me and I'll be the bestest little ever!! I have full faith that I'll find the right caregiver. Being a Dom doesn't mean a person has to be a punisher, nor does have to agree to the typical punishments that most seem to like.

[enefa]

Omg thank you all for this. I know it’s an older thread, but so much good stuff here that has me super relieved. I have been nervous that I wouldn’t be able to find a nurturing and praising daddy or mommy, as punishments make me anxious and sick.

[Andriel_Isilien]

Bringing this thread back to the present. I too thrive with praise, positive reinforcement, gentle 'parenting', etc. For a while I've been thinking about swapping 'Punishment' for another title like 'Redirection' simply because of the stigma I see in the word. To me, punishment has been taken too far and leaves me to carry guilt long after. Usually I am not one to brat out to get a reaction or defy authority to test limits. An issue will come up with me because of internal emotional struggles that I am trying to regulate. At least, when I am processing what I am feeling, being a brat is not at the top of my reactions. Praises are great and all but there has to be balance with punishment. You can't have one without the other. I just hate the word but the firmness still needs to be there.

An example I came up with for myself is the classic "corner time to think about what I have done'. With my history growing up, that has been misused. I would rather change that to "meditate" in order to settle myself. Take a few minutes with a time out jar, focus on my breathing, empty my thoughts, reconnect with the present. Because what I need is to get myself out of my head, not sit with it more stewing, overthinking, masking, and come out suppressing what I was feeling in order to "behave". Following up afterwards with emotional aftercare to make sure I understand what went wrong, how to do better, and reassurance. Simply calling this redirection rather than a punishment puts me in a healthier headspace. I tend to see punishment being given out of anger and the nurturing gets lost. Meditating to get myself grounded I have seen such positive results. However, I suck at it 😅 and struggle to make it a priority. Like a bad tasting medicine that's good for me. I just need some help or enforcing to do it regularly and me not following rules so well is a symptom. So, rename corner time with meditate in my case.

Again, this is my own background I'm speaking on. The word punishment will have different connotations based on other people's experiences. I wonder about others who relate to my issue and have ideas to share about this. 

[Cebakes]

2 hours ago, Andriel_Isilien said:

Bringing this thread back to the present. I too thrive with praise, positive reinforcement, gentle 'parenting', etc. For a while I've been thinking about swapping 'Punishment' for another title like 'Redirection' simply because of the stigma I see in the word. To me, punishment has been taken too far and leaves me to carry guilt long after. Usually I am not one to brat out to get a reaction or defy authority to test limits. An issue will come up with me because of internal emotional struggles that I am trying to regulate. At least, when I am processing what I am feeling, being a brat is not at the top of my reactions. Praises are great and all but there has to be balance with punishment. You can't have one without the other. I just hate the word but the firmness still needs to be there.

An example I came up with for myself is the classic "corner time to think about what I have done'. With my history growing up, that has been misused. I would rather change that to "meditate" in order to settle myself. Take a few minutes with a time out jar, focus on my breathing, empty my thoughts, reconnect with the present. Because what I need is to get myself out of my head, not sit with it more stewing, overthinking, masking, and come out suppressing what I was feeling in order to "behave". Following up afterwards with emotional aftercare to make sure I understand what went wrong, how to do better, and reassurance. Simply calling this redirection rather than a punishment puts me in a healthier headspace. I tend to see punishment being given out of anger and the nurturing gets lost. Meditating to get myself grounded I have seen such positive results. However, I suck at it 😅 and struggle to make it a priority. Like a bad tasting medicine that's good for me. I just need some help or enforcing to do it regularly and me not following rules so well is a symptom. So, rename corner time with meditate in my case.

Again, this is my own background I'm speaking on. The word punishment will have different connotations based on other people's experiences. I wonder about others who relate to my issue and have ideas to share about this. 

How about the word discipline? The word has three or four key meanings that have applications for DDLG.  I’ve never really used the word punishment and am a big believer in discipline.   While this article discusses a parental and child relationship,  you can see that much of this can be applied to DDLG, caregivers, littles, etc.  

 

https://momlovesbest.com/discipline-vs-punishment-parents

[Andriel_Isilien]

11 hours ago, Cebakes said:

How about the word discipline? The word has three or four key meanings that have applications for DDLG.  I’ve never really used the word punishment and am a big believer in discipline.   While this article discusses a parental and child relationship,  you can see that much of this can be applied to DDLG, caregivers, littles, etc.  

 

https://momlovesbest.com/discipline-vs-punishment-parents

Thank you for the article! 👍 Yes, wow. I think we need to share this in the club Knowledge is Power 😁 I really appreciate it!

Discipline is a better word for me. The article defines this so well, "Punishment is about causing some form of suffering to your child in retaliation for their misbehavior." That's precisely how my perspective is. I benefit from positive discipline or redirection that focuses on the behavior and walking through the cognitive thinking process to make sure I'm not being left with the wrong idea such as, "I'm a bad person for doing/saying that." Then the downward spiraling that I do.

I saw a TikTok (I wished I saved it) with an example about redirecting with gentle parenting. The example was a small kid getting into a cabinet, curiously digging through the contents that weren't safe. The parent tried calmly asking, "Please don't do that. Get out of the cabinet." When that didn't work the parent then screamed, "GET OUT OF THAT D*** CABINET NOW!" Which shocked the child and of course they backed away. This was to prove a point that gentle parenting never works. But that actually wasn't gentle parenting being used correctly in the first place. Another TikTok account stitched that video and explained gentle parenting in this case would be, "Hey now, look at me. Come here and do something else." Because when you say, "Don't think about doing the bad behavior" you're obviously going to think about the thing you're not supposed to think about or do. You just put it there by giving attention to the negative. Shift the focus away to something neutral if not positive. Replace what you don't want with something else. Address the negative topic when emotions are settled so that clear and thoughtful communication can happen.

I mentally spiral and perseverate on bad events long after they happened. This is out of fear that I need to be in better control so I try to figure out what the warning signs were that I missed, what I could have said or done differently, reason the shit out of it all, and so on and so forth. This is not because I want to have a "woe is me" pity party to fish for sympathy. This is a need my nervous system has to prevent being dysregulated over and over again. This is me struggling to "get a grip". Outbursts happen with tears, complaining, me shutting down, binging, and more. So, to tell me, "Stop thinking about [insert trauma]. Just be more positive" are not effective. Instead, I require validation that my needs are heard and then discipline to make me mindful of where I am in the present. Discipline like, take a break from social media, use my 5 senses to ground me back to reality, do a physical activity to 'move' the pent-up feelings through, take inventory on what I'm fueling my body with, write out lines of positive affirmations, and the like. Then the hard talking can take place to do some personal work on my poor choices, once I'm brought back to homeostasis. This does demand a lot of patience which is why I take it seriously.

[AspiringDaddy]

Just my 2 cents outside the DD/lg dynamic.

• Gentle parenting doesn't work.
• Tough parenting doesn't work.
• Loving parenting doesn't work.
• Punishments don't work.
• Discipline doesn't work.
• Reasoning, admonishing, preaching, praying, hoping, controlling, helicoptering, exemplification, doesn't work.

Parents are just winging it. It needs some secret mixture of all of the above. It mostly depends on the person being parented, punished, disciplined.

I'm a dad of four grown ass adults. Eventually it all worked out more or less fine. I hope. But am I glad I'm mostly done with this. It's been a tiresome few decades