Forcing to drop ddlg b/c daddy can't handle it (LONG)

[Indi Baby]

I need help. My daddy says he can't handle whenever I'm at my low points and keeps talking about taking a break from ddlg because it is "too complicated". I am a three year old little, and I have my share of mental illnesses along with past abusive relationships. 

 

 I have a big fear of my daddy/boyfriend having hidden thoughts about me. I trust that he loves me unconditionally and that he wants the best of me, but I still am scared that he has his negative opinions of me that he just is not sharing. The bigger part of me is always saying that he only loves and cherishes me, but my anxiety and psychosis sometimes makes me feel otherwise. Plus, it does not help that my daddy has a short temper. 

 

   (warning, skip ahead if needed) In the past, I have been in a sexually abusive relationship. This same guy that I was with had also told me, while I was at a young age at the time, that he never loved me, that this was all only a game to him to see my reaction. Then after I would be crying, he would tell me that he only said those hurtful things to see how much I loved him and how much I would be hurt. More abuse and depression later on.

 

 

    It has been a little over a year since my last relationship (and that one ended with very harsh name calling and degradation), but since a majority of my preteen/early teen life was full of very hard relationships, the anxiousness and weariness still sticks with me. My daddy/boyfriend is well aware of what I have been through, as we have been together for a year, but yet he still doesn't know how to handle when I express to him how I am feeling, in and out of little space. For example, I have been in consistent little space for a couple of days now, and daddy loves it; however, there were a few times in the past few days where he would disappear for hours without telling me, play video games with his friends for 6 hours, or just not reply as fast as he usually does. So, as anyone would be, I got worried and my anxiety kicked in. Daddy noticed that I was getting sad and wasn't being as playful, so after I had gone into the bathroom for a little alone time, he told me to tell him what was wrong. One of our rules is to always be open with each other, yet the rule right below that was to be patient if the other wasn't ready to open up yet. By the time daddy had come to the bathroom he had called me a brat for not talking to him and told me to tell him or I would get a spanking. So I told him that I felt annoying, that I was a burden, that me being in little space for so long was wearing him out so he was ignoring me. The best part of me knew that this wasn't the case, but it was how I felt on the inside so I wasn't going to hold it in. Long story short, he yelled at me for feeling the way I did and I ran to my room crying, which he also got upset at me for. 

 

 

  After a long while apart, I asked him if he would yell at his little sister the same way he did to me for the same reason. He said yes. I started making a list of what I personally needed as a little because talking about it seemed to not get to him apparently. He asked me why I was always feeling like I was annoying to him, and I reminded him of my past relationships and what had occurred. He told me that he wasn't my ex so I shouldn't compare them to each other (he said it in a way that was like "you're such a dumb*ss for doing that"). I told him that I wasn't comparing the people, I was comparing the pain. I told him that I often come into little space for the support I don't ask for in big space, so I'm much more fragile than normal. He said that he couldn't handle that. SO I said that I'm dropping DDlg and that he shouldn't tell me that he wants to hear what I have to say and tell me that he can be there for me always. He has a habit of walking away from things he can't handle instead of facing them. He tells me "This is your thing, I'm only doing it because it makes you happy".

 

 

Did I do the right thing? What should I do from here?

[splendabae]

honestly think you need to either leave him or both of you get counseling. the way he reacted to your anxiety while in little space is not ok. he shouldn't have yelled at you or threaten to punish you for your feelings, he did not handle that situation well. you shouldn't drop ddlg if it's important to you. sending you love   

[Indi Baby]

honestly think you need to either leave him or both of you get counseling. the way he reacted to your anxiety while in little space is not ok. he shouldn't have yelled at you or threaten to punish you for your feelings, he did not handle that situation well. you shouldn't drop ddlg if it's important to you. sending you love   

thanks so much  for the reply! Me and him just had a "talk" about it, which was mainly him talking about how much of a bad daddy he is. I told him that I wanted it to work and reminded him that he has said several times before that he enjoys doing this with me and he knows it is not something that I can just drop. He didn't sound so sure but he said that it has been me doing all the work lately so really he needs some time to think and work on it within himself. I don't want him to feel forced and I offered my aid but he denied it. He said he would think about it but I'm worried that he will just give up because that's a habit he has.

[splendabae]

it's definitely important that he knows that this is a part of you. if he can't accept that then it's harsh reality. but i highly recommend you ask to see a counselor, a year is a long time and this could be solved with professional help. his attitude concerns me, but hopefully he'll think about what it is he wants.

[Indi Baby]

it's definitely important that he knows that this is a part of you. if he can't accept that then it's harsh reality. but i highly recommend you ask to see a counselor, a year is a long time and this could be solved with professional help. his attitude concerns me, but hopefully he'll think about what it is he wants.

I hope so to. I wouldn't be too upset if he decided to not participate anymore, but I really hope that he decides to try again. 

 

  i do have a therapist I just haven't seen her since the summer cause senior year has been so chaotic. I should shoot her an email though since we're on break!

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

Okay I hate asking this but....

 

How old are you? I'm merely asking because your introduction post refers to early teen years and you just talked about senior year being hectic.

[Indi Baby]

Okay I hate asking this but....

 

How old are you? I'm merely asking because your introduction post refers to early teen years and you just talked about senior year being hectic

 

 

I am 18, referring to my senior year of high school. The relationship problems were between late 13 and early 17

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

I am 18, referring to my senior year of high school. The relationship problems were between late 13 and early 17

Happy to hear you are 18, as a minors presence here can put many people at risk even if you aren't talking in a sexual way.

 

First of all, you are very young. You have a lot of life, love, and sadly more than likely heartbreak ahead of you. Please do not allow anyone to treat you the way he did when you were upset. It is never okay, even if he too was upset. You must guard and protect yourself.

 

That being said, is the relationship worth saving? Only you can answer that. Can you be happy in a vanilla relationship? Who knows. At 18, you probably have minimal relationship experience (I know I did and still do), and with the right person you may be okay with a vanilla relationship. Either way, if you're confident your partner isn't going to want to try any more... are you happy with someone who gives up so quickly when things go wrong?

 

As I said before, you are young. Incredibly young. Your post makes you appear young physically and mentally (I mean no disrespect), and I worry that you early on are sacrificing your happiness for yourself to make him happy, for what purpose? Life is short. Please don't give up your own happiness so early just to please him.

 

If you wish to save this relationship, I agree some counseling may be necessary. While a year seems like a long time to be with someone... it really isn't. My husband and my Daddy and I have been together for nearly 5yrs. It still seems so new sometimes. Communication is key. I wish you the best of luck.

[Indi Baby]

Happy to hear you are 18, as a minors presence here can put many people at risk even if you aren't talking in a sexual way.

 

First of all, you are very young. You have a lot of life, love, and sadly more than likely heartbreak ahead of you. Please do not allow anyone to treat you the way he did when you were upset. It is never okay, even if he too was upset. You must guard and protect yourself.

 

That being said, is the relationship worth saving? Only you can answer that. Can you be happy in a vanilla relationship? Who knows. At 18, you probably have minimal relationship experience (I know I did and still do), and with the right person you may be okay with a vanilla relationship. Either way, if you're confident your partner isn't going to want to try any more... are you happy with someone who gives up so quickly when things go wrong?

 

As I said before, you are young. Incredibly young. Your post makes you appear young physically and mentally (I mean no disrespect), and I worry that you early on are sacrificing your happiness for yourself to make him happy, for what purpose? Life is short. Please don't give up your own happiness so early just to please him.

 

If you wish to save this relationship, I agree some counseling may be necessary. While a year seems like a long time to be with someone... it really isn't. My husband and my Daddy and I have been together for nearly 5yrs. It still seems so new sometimes. Communication is key. I wish you the best of luck.

congrats on 5 years!!!I I know that took some challenges in the beginning but it's great that you both made through it. And lord no, I know that a year isn't all that long in retrospect. Unfortunately it's considered "long" for most people my age though. 

 

big update though, I actually had gotten on the phone with him before I went to bed and set him straight! I told him that I was going to keep doing what I loved and I wasn't going to stop just because he couldn't pull himself together. That at this point it's up to him to show whether or not he truly wants this to work out. He listened! 

 

It's freaky because within myself whenever I'm talking I always seem so young, but once I'm giving someone else advice they all say I'm too grown for my own good   5 going on 40 then 

[Guest SugarNSpiceSam]

I was in an abusive relationship before and when I was little too by my father. I got lots and lots of therapy and worked on myself. There's so many obstacles that I went through, I suffered years of pain anguish and suffering for as long as I can remember. You're Daddy should respect you at all times and to listen to you. If you're not getting any fulfillment in the relationship than I think it's safe to say that this relationship came to a end for a very good reason and if you still won't to work on it, than that's entirely up to you. I won't lie however, I suffer from PTSD. Do I have bad days? Yes I do. Do I cry sometimes still? Yes. Everyone cries though. My pain is nothing like it used to be though because I worked on myself and practiced saying how beautiful I was in the mirror over and over again until it stuck inside my head. 

 

I'm glad you're experiencing your little and that you safe experiencing that and not afraid to show it. Now do little things to make yourself feel good. It's good that you're contacting your therapist. I love my therapist and trust mine. She did a lot for me and helped me be able to return to relationships again without always fearing every little thing. I'm not posting this to hurt you or anything, I simply am responding to you to let you know that I hear you, I understand and know how you feel. My serious relationship ever was 6 and a half years and I ended up leaving him because I felt horrible and wanted to concentrate on myself. He's back in my life now and we still remain friends. Anytime I talk to him now, I know I can say anything to him without having to worry or get anxiety. Anytime I talk to him, he gives me his thoughts and he's honest. If he see's that I'm hurt, he reminds me once again he's not trying to hurt me and I instantly felt better. Now whenever he's honest, I know he's simply being honest because he cares about me and wants the best for me. When you're ready try finding someone who's like your best friend, someone you love in and outside of the relationship where you two can just hang out and have fun.  

 

If this relationship is worth saving to you, than save it. Gut feeling tells you to walk away, than simply walk away and concentrate on yourself and truly love and embrace the person you are inside. I'm not trying to preach to you or tell you what to do, I simply just care and look after people who's been abused in the past because I've been through something similar. Please take it easy for now. Go out for a walk and do something fun. I wish you all the luck in the world and my pm box is always open if you ever need to talk. 

Edited December 30, 2016 by MysticalDreamer83

[Indi Baby]

congrats on 5 years!!!I I know that took some challenges in the beginning but it's great that you both made through it. And lord no, I know that a year isn't all that long in retrospect. Unfortunately it's considered "long" for most people my age though. 

 

big update though, I actually had gotten on the phone with him before I went to bed and set him straight! I told him that I was going to keep doing what I loved and I wasn't going to stop just because he couldn't pull himself together. That at this point it's up to him to show whether or not he truly wants this to work out. He listened! 

 

It's freaky because within myself whenever I'm talking I always seem so young, but once I'm giving someone else advice they all say I'm too grown for my own good   5 going on 40 then 

Lots of love to you hun, thanks so much! And I'm the same way with the guy that abused me. I we started talking again recently and though I am still very distant, I don't feel threatened by him anymore. I saw him a few weeks ago for the first time in 3 years and I felt fine! I'm glad you have such a great therapist. I've had two so far and my first one relied on giving me medication rather than really talking with me. The one I have now is absolutely wonderful and is only a few blocks from my school. 

 

I'm glad you understand the aspect that the pain still sticks with you sometimes no matter how long it's been. Often times I come across people who say "oh it's been years, just get over it and move on". Well if it happened for years then it is going to take years to "move on"   Sometimes my daddy/boyfriend says I talk about my worries of feeling annoying to much and that I'm "making it a problem". I feel like whenever I'm telling him what's wrong, he thinks I'm nagging or dragging the situation. He doesn't get that I'm not nagging him, I'm just letting out how I'm feeling like he told me to. I explain to him that though it might not be his intention, how he thinks sometimes just doesn't match what I think, and that's normal. I also threw some hypocrisy shade back at him. I said, "I'm sad and you basically break a rule and pressure me into telling you what's wrong, that I feel annoying. You get frustrated and get annoyed and talk to me as if I was annoying, thus making me feel more annoying. So I distance myself, which seemed to annoy you more so you express that to me. But then at the end of the day say that I'm not annoying. Productive, right?" 

 

But anyways, me and him had a talk and he apologized and told me that he's really going to try this time, but I let him know that I'm not going to be as open until he really proves that I can trust him with the really fragile part of me. 

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

congrats on 5 years!!!I I know that took some challenges in the beginning but it's great that you both made through it. And lord no, I know that a year isn't all that long in retrospect. Unfortunately it's considered "long" for most people my age though.

 

big update though, I actually had gotten on the phone with him before I went to bed and set him straight! I told him that I was going to keep doing what I loved and I wasn't going to stop just because he couldn't pull himself together. That at this point it's up to him to show whether or not he truly wants this to work out. He listened!

 

It's freaky because within myself whenever I'm talking I always seem so young, but once I'm giving someone else advice they all say I'm too grown for my own good 5 going on 40 then

I do understand a year is long for most people you're age, I'm 23. It's a sad part of life that all too often we throw out what's broken instead of trying to fix it.

 

I am glad you set him straight. You need to do so for yourself and him. If he has a history of giving up when times get rough it'll only hurt him down the road, be it with you or someone else. Relationships are hard, they just are. So is life. It doesn't get any easier truthfully.

 

Daddy and I still have rough times. DDlg is new to us, though we both feel it's a part of who we've always been. Each day is a learning experience. My anxiety and lack of relationship experience (I've been with one other person and no one else) make it all the harder. I struggle to communicate effectively at times, though it's gotten better. I also argue over petty stuff, also getting better.

 

I am rooting for you and your boyfriend as I hate to see relationships not work out, but at this stage, make sure your happiness and his are both valued.

[Indi Baby]

I do understand a year is long for most people you're age, I'm 23. It's a sad part of life that all too often we throw out what's broken instead of trying to fix it.

 

I am glad you set him straight. You need to do so for yourself and him. If he has a history of giving up when times get rough it'll only hurt him down the road, be it with you or someone else. Relationships are hard, they just are. So is life. It doesn't get any easier truthfully.

 

Daddy and I still have rough times. DDlg is new to us, though we both feel it's a part of who we've always been. Each day is a learning experience. My anxiety and lack of relationship experience (I've been with one other person and no one else) make it all the harder. I struggle to communicate effectively at times, though it's gotten better. I also argue over petty stuff, also getting better.

 

I am rooting for you and your boyfriend as I hate to see relationships not work out, but at this stage, make sure your happiness and his are both valued.

Much support for you and your husband as well! Lack of relationship experience or not, 5 years is definitely something to be proud of! I'm rooting for you both   

[Antoinette]

None of you sound emotionally mature enough for a relationship. It sounds as though you've been through a great deal of pain but being in a serious relationship right now is clearly doing more harm for you than good. In order to love someone else you must love yourself, be able to put doubts aside and believe in yourself and your worth. It sounds like you know what you want from a relationship but you just can't emotionally bring yourself to terms with the past, present and you're allowing yourself to settle for someone that isn't treating you how you should be treated.

 

While I don't think what he's doing is abuse I do think it's really, really douchey. I think the best thing for you to do would be to tell him you don't want a relationship with him and work on yourself. Go to some sort of counselling, get rid of the ghosts of your past so you can move on and have confidence in yourself. The only way you'll be ready for a happy, healthy relationship is you are happy and healthy yourself. 

 

I really hope everything works out well for you.

[Indi Baby]

None of you sound emotionally mature enough for a relationship. It sounds as though you've been through a great deal of pain but being in a serious relationship right now is clearly doing more harm for you than good. In order to love someone else you must love yourself, be able to put doubts aside and believe in yourself and your worth. It sounds like you know what you want from a relationship but you just can't emotionally bring yourself to terms with the past, present and you're allowing yourself to settle for someone that isn't treating you how you should be treated.

 

While I don't think what he's doing is abuse I do think it's really, really douchey. I think the best thing for you to do would be to tell him you don't want a relationship with him and work on yourself. Go to some sort of counselling, get rid of the ghosts of your past so you can move on and have confidence in yourself. The only way you'll be ready for a happy, healthy relationship is you are happy and healthy yourself. 

 

I really hope everything works out well for you.

With all due respect, and I know you only have the best of intentions, but everyone has their own definition of mature, ready, and healthy. Your's is different form mine. Now, as I had said in a previous post, harsh traumas stick with people no matter what, and I do agree that I shouldn't let it take over my life and my mindset. However, no where did I mention that I was. I am very much in terms with the past, and though I am not perfect I am making progress within myself. Just because I am sometimes worried about what my partner thinks of me does not make me any less confident with myself. At the end of the day, if someone treats me the way they shouldn't, I'm going to let them know that it's not okay. I understand that my post spoke about him in a negative aspect, but it is one post. This one post is not who he is, so to say simply dropping him would be the best choice is an assumption. Again, I know you have the best intentions but your comment came of as offensive a bit to me because all I've been hearing is you're too young this, blah blah you're not ready. Well, where were the people to tell my exes that I wasn't ready for how they hurt me? Everyone learns at their own way. 

 

I am fighting my demons, and my struggles will stick with me, but I don't let them control my life. On the other hand, though, I know that it is okay to not be okay. Because if you don't know what sadness is, then you won't know how to appreciate what being happy feels like. I have spent too many years holding in how I'm feeling about things because other people tell me to get over it, or that it's unhealthy to talk about all the time. When I state my sufferings, it isn't me asking for help, it isn't me hating myself, it is me just letting out everything going through my head so those voices that come along with my disorders don't have a chance to get at them and hurt me.  I love myself and who I am, but fear and weariness comes with all relationships, no matter if one has been abused or not. That is no excuse to drop them and avoid them because it's gonna come with the next person just with a different face and a different scenario. You get hurt, everyone does, but it's those that push through and make it that are the truly strong ones. My boyfriend has done the most for me and my illnesses along with my therapist and my family, so that is why I'm willing to keep pushing through with it. So thank you because I appreciate that you just wan't the best for me.

[Antoinette]

Okay. Well if you're just going to show us the negative side of the relationship then that's all I have to comment on, obviously. It does seem, or you did make it seem as though your past trauma has effected this relationship that you're in currently. Yes it does stick with you, I've been through trauma myself but for me and for a lot of people who have been through similar things it doesn't define who we are or how we act today. Many of your worries do seem to stem from a place of self-consciousness caused by your abusive past. 

 

just not reply as fast as he usually does. 

 

 This doesn't sound like emotional maturity. The video game thing I can understand because well six hours is a long time but I also understand that everybody needs to spend time with their friends, or just do things like play video games - people need to let off steam. 

 

You're extremely defensive of my opinion of what you've said for absolutely no reason. You painted your boyfriend in quite a bad picture so that is the image I saw - you cannot blame me for seeing something you made me see. I'm not around you all the time, I don't see your relationship or how it works... If it's good or bad. But what I do see is what you've said here and that is what I've commented on. If what I said offended perhaps reflect on why it offended you so deeply, because if it's wrong would you not just discard it as false and moved on? Or did it strike a chord? 

 

All I was saying is it does seem as though you have some mental health issues that should be on the forefront of everything for you to address. You stated that you had a therapist, which is good. And while your second paragraph was slightly random I agree with everything you said in it. Although it doesn't link to what I was saying originally whatsoever I respect your struggles and if you say you're confident and happy in yourself so be it, I have no proof that you are or aren't I was just speculating based on the evidence originally provided. 

 

I could say a lot more but I wouldn't want to risk offending you any further because that's not my intention. And also just another word of advice, perhaps if people are stating that 'you're so young' and being 'rude' about it, it's not them intentionally trying to hurt your feelings but rather the way you come across. I'm nineteen, which is young but very rarely do I ever get any slack for my age because I like to imagine I present myself emotionally stable and mature, despite my past traumas.

 

Good luck. x

Edited December 31, 2016 by xAntoinette

[Indi Baby]

I do understand that he does need space, the problem with how he was acting was the fact that he did it without any warning whatsoever and no check-ins. It's not abnormal to have a problem with that hun. I'm glad that you are better from your trauma because no one deserves pain. 

 

   I did come harshly and that was my bad but the other commenting people of this post same the same things you saw and were able to say that it's a possibility that breaking up isn't the best choice. If you're in a relationship with someone then that means there's something good right? If I'm making a post then that means I want to fix it because there's something worth fixing. 

 

I simply didn't appreciate how you came off the bat talking about myself and other commenters saying that none of us seemed ready for a serious relationship. That was pretty inconsiderate. I was fine with the counseling and the part of taking care of myself because that it always a mandatory thing regardless of being in a relationship or not, but the rest was far too presumptuous in my opinion. 

 

and update: we're perfectly fine, we just needed to talk about it. We're back to laughs and giggles.