Red Flags for Dominants

[MonsieurSerge]

Since a lot of the focus is on how Dominants can present a danger to a submissive/slave, I thought I would address someone else's take on the other side of the coin: Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts- Part 2: Submissives/Slaves

Author: Norische

Filed in: newbies, lifestyle, dangers

 

The BDSM lifestyle harbors many dangers, oddly enough most people think only about the dangers to the submissive or slave and not to those dangers present for the Dominant. Among the thousands of dedicated, hard working, honest and disciplined submissives and slaves there are those few that pose a danger. There are those that are users, manipulators, liars, gold diggers, wannabees, and scam artists. Unfortunately sometimes we do not see these individuals for what they truly are until it is too late.

Some individuals are under the impression that all it takes to be a submissive is to sit pretty and say "Yes, Master" or "Yes, Mistress". There is a lot more to being a submissive or slave that just knowing what to say or how to look good. Being a submissive is something that is deep within you, it is the core of your very nature, the idea of service is a dream or better yet a fantasy that you hold dear to your heart. Being a slave is taking the idea of submission and living the fantasy, there are many types of slaves and submissives just as there are many types of Dominants. Here are a few that may pose a problem to a loving and trusting Dominant.

Cyber slave/sub. This is someone that has gained most of his or her experience from the Internet, he or she normally has little or no real life experience.

The Professional Victim slave/sub. This is someone that spends a great deal of time making others feel sorry for them, they are always telling others about how they were abuse or victimized by someone. One thing that I have noticed with this individual is that they never take responsibility for any thing; it is always someone else\'s fault. They will knowingly put themselves in danger or in situations where there is sure to be a problem, and then blame the other party. They never learn from their mistakes, mainly because they don\'t want to they love the pity parties and the attention.

The Show Piece slave/sub. This is someone that thinks the only thing they need to do is look good. They can\'t scrub the floors because they might mess up their manicure; they can\'t take out the trash because it smells funny and will make them smell funny too. This is an individual that will wear the most dazzling leather outfit to the club but refuse to scene because it might muss his or her hair. This person will spend hours at the gym, and tanning salon as well as spend their entire paycheck on clothes. This individual is into BDSM mainly because of the really cool outfits and he or she just looks so damn good in leather.

The Fetish-Freak slave/sub. This is someone that is just into kink, any and all kinks, if it is strange and unusual they like it. They have a tendency to try something for a while and then move onto the next new kink. These individuals are out for the thrill; they love the shock factor and will try anything once, maybe twice just to make sure they really didn\'t like it. They have a tendency to find a Dominant and make a big show of commitment but leave him or her when a new freakier friend shows up.

The Gold Digger slave/sub. This is someone that will be the perfect slave or submissive as long as the Dominant is willing to pay the way. He or she will do anything the Dominant wants but if the money runs out they are out the door. This person chooses their Dominant carefully; they will come into the relationship with the full knowledge that they plan to be spoiled. The minute they enter the Dominant\'s life this slave/sub will expect him or her to flip the bill for everything; new clothes, car payments, manicures, the list never stops. They will insist that they live with the Dominant. They also very seldom have an outside job, the excuse for this is quite simple, if they worked outside the home then they would not have the time to serve their Dominant.

The Excuse slave/sub. This is someone that has an excuse for everything. This person may or may not do what you ask, and if not you can bet your bottom dollar there is a good excuse for why they didn\'t do what you asked them to. They border on what I would call lazy, they are artist at getting out of doing anything. If you desperately need something done then you had better find someone else to do it.

The Legal Eagle slave/sub. This is someone that will report you to the authorities at the drop of a hat. This slave/sub may agree to scene with you, talk about everything that you plan to do, and agree to it. Then the next day take themselves to the emergency room and claim you abused them, or worse that you raped them. This individual is dangerous not only to those involved with them but to the BDSM society in general, it is this individual that will go to the press or police and tell everything they know about anyone they know.

The Everyday Thief slave/sub. This is someone that will work their way into your life and then just when they have earned your trust they rob you blind. It may be slowly and subtly at first, a few dollars here or there, and if found out there is always a reasonable explanation. However if not caught soon enough this slave/sub will wipe you out, and leave a terribly bitter taste in your mouth for quite some time.

The above are just examples of the different types of undesirable slaves/subs, these examples are by no means the majority of individuals, in fact they are truly the minority.

All submissives and slaves are unique and it is this uniqueness that makes them interesting, however if you believe an individual you are involved with may fit into one of the above categories then perhaps you should look into reevaluating your relationship with him or her.

When we are in a relationship we tend to over look many warning signs, although in retrospect we can clearly see what was once oblivious to our minds. Here are a few questions you should ask yourself and remember to answer them honestly, when you have finished go back and look at the questions again, also look at the way you answered them.

* Does the slave/sub demand expensive gifts?
* Does the slave/sub get overly emotional when they don\'t get his or her way?
* Does the slave/sub demand all of your time, not allowing you to spend time with friends or family?
* Does the slave/sub threaten to leave you when ever you tell them No!
* Does the slave/sub demand your attention even when you are too tired or too sick to do as they wish?
* Does the slave/sub spend an unusual amount of time preening or looking at him or her self in the mirror?
* Does the slave/sub constantly beg for new clothes, shoes, jewelry, or gifts?
* Does the slave/sub frequently compare you with other relationships that he or she has had?
* Have you caught the slave/sub in a lie?
* Has the slave/sub ever made you feel guilty about questioning his or her actions?
* Has the slave/sub ever used tears to influence your actions?
* Has the slave/sub ever told you that you are ugly or criticized you about your appearance?
* Has the slave/sub ever told you that he or she didn\'t wish to be seen publicly with you?
* When you are at a group function does the slave/sub wander off the minute that he or she steps in the door?
* Has the slave/sub ever told you to shut up?
* Has the slave/sub ever cussed you out or yelled at you?
* Has the slave/sub ever refused to have physical relations with you just to get back at you for something?
* Has the slave/sub ever threatened to have you arrested?
* Has the slave/sub ever called the police on you?
* Has the slave/sub ever made you feel guilty about asking them to do minor housework?
* Has the slave/sub ever make up stories about you or told others things that should be kept within the relationship?
* Have you ever had to do without something just to be able to buy the slave/sub something they want, this does not include basic needs?
* Have you ever felt like the slave/sub is hiding something important?
* Have you ever come home unexpected and found the slave/sub missing and when he or she finally shows up they are unwilling to tell you where they were?
* Have you ever dreaded talking to the slave/sub because you honestly didn\'t want to get into a fight?
* Have you ever dreaded coming home, because of the slave/sub?
* Have you been depressed or anxious since the slave/sub has become part of your life?
* Have you found things missing unexpectedly?
* Have you noticed unusual charges on your credit cards, or associated with your checking account?
* Has the slave/sub ever struck out at you or attempted any form of physical violence against you?
* Has the slave/sub ever demanded to know where you are or called to check up on you?
* Has the slave/sub ever nagged you to do something?
* Have others told you that your slave/sub has behaved in an unacceptable manner?
* Does the slave/sub frequently make excuses for not getting something done, even if they know it is important?
* Has the slave/sub ever betrayed your trust?
* Has the slave/sub ever threatened to commit suicide just to get his or her way?
* Does the slave/sub participate in illegal activities; this does include the use of illegal drugs?
* Does the slave/sub drink to excess or drink often?
* Does the slave/sub quit talking to you or ignore you as a means of punishing you?
* Does the slave/sub get jealous whenever others are around?
* Have you ever felt lonely even when you are with your slave/sub?
* Have you ever avoided asking the slave/sub to do something just because it would be easier to do it yourself?
* Has the slave/sub refused to speak about his or her past?
* When question does he or she avoid giving prompt, thorough answers?
* Does the slave/sub get upset if he or she is not the center of attention?
* Does the slave/sub seem to spend your money faster than you can make it?
* Have you ever second-guessed your decision to get into the relationship?
* Has the slave/sub ever begged or coerced you into doing something that you are not interested in doing?
* Has the slave/sub ever asked you to cross your own personal limits or boundaries?
* Does the slave/sub constantly want to know where you were or where you\'re going?
* Did the slave/sub beg you to be his or her Dominant after only knowing them for a short time?
* Did the slave/sub start following you around, joining groups you belong to even getting a job at where you work, before you were in a permanent relationship?
* Does the slave/sub make you feel uneasy at times? 



These questions are designed to range in a wide variety of areas and severities. Read each question carefully and remember that everything is relative. If the slave/sub has gotten upset with you and pouted for a little while it is ok: if he or she has thrown a fit and refused to talk to you for a week then you probably need to reevaluate your currant arrangement. Look at your combination of answers, did you answer yes to those involving possible control or discipline issues, perhaps all that is necessary is a reassertion of who is the Dominant in the relationship. If you answered yes to issues that involve high emotions, financial or legal issues then perhaps you need to take a step back and look at things a little closer.

Every BDSM relationship is different, just as every Dominant, Master or Mistress is different. We all expect something different from out slave/sub, however when we get into a relationship with another individual normally we take the time to examine what the role of each individual will be. Some relationships allow a great deal of independence and flexibility, others are structured and demand obedience, neither is wrong by any means they are just different. The main issue is whether or not the relationship that we find ourselves in is the same one we agreed to. As a Dominant, are you getting everything out of the relationship that you expected to have? Do you question your slave/sub\'s loyalty, honesty, or integrity?

When I originally started writing this article I thought of all the Dominants that I have ever known, specifically those that have been involved in bad relationships, I must say that there were quite a few. I would like to say however there were far more that were happy, healthy relationships. There are some individuals out there that will seek out others to use, manipulate, abuse, or take advantage of, both in BDSM as well as vanilla relationships, so do not think that this is common only to the BDSM lifestyle.

Being a submissive/slave takes honor, loyalty, service, obedience, integrity, intelligence, and an open mind. There is no room for greed, laziness, egos, jealousy, dishonesty, threats, or secrets. I have found from my experience that a good submissive/slave is worth their weight in gold; at times I would not know what to do without my slave.

A few months ago I had major surgery, and I had to travel over 600 miles away from home to have this surgery, the trip took a total of 5 days. None of my family was there, not my sisters, or my daughters, no one…….no one except my slave. I must say that through the pain of coming out of surgery, thought the confusion and the fear there was never a more beautiful site than the face of my slave smiling down at me as she brushed the hair out of my eyes. Knowing she was there made it all seem a little better. Since then she has been there to make sure I took my medicine, to make sure that I didn\'t exert myself and to walk me though each challenge. She patiently waited until I was able to scene with her, without ever once making me feel bad or guilty about not being able to give her the attention I knew she so desperately wanted.

I tell you this so that you do not go away after reading this article thinking that all slaves/subs are bad or dangerous. Simply look over the questions I have listed, if you answered yes to a question, look at it again. Is the action or behavior something that was done one time or were there special circumstances surrounding the event. If so then perhaps you should answer that question as no, or ignore it. If you see a trend in your answers perhaps you should sit down and talk to your submissive/slave as to those things that you feel are disturbing. If you feel the relationship is unhealthy or dangerous perhaps you should step back and reevaluate.

This article was written in hopes of educating individuals and perhaps sparing some a little pain. As Always this is merely an article, please take from it what you can use and ignore the rest.

If you have any questions or would like to contact me my email is Norisch1@mchsi.com

 

Source: http://the-iron-gate.com/essays/86

Edited December 30, 2016 by MonsieurSerge

[Antoinette]

This is amazing.

[Guest Waiting4us]

Red flags.....

If the person :-

Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.

 

Avoids talking about personal details and/or get mad when you ask or quickly end the conversation or answering questions with questions.

 

Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.

 

Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.

 

Tells you inconsistent details about themselves.

 

Avoids giving you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.

 

Only communicates with you at strange hours and get mad if you try to contact them at other times.

 

Criticizes the BDSM community and refuse to participate, especially if they never were part of it.

 

Consistently breaks promises.

 

Always finds excuses for not meeting real time.

 

Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.

 

Does not take personal responsibility.

 

Have bad relationships with most or all of their family members.

 

Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.

 

Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.

 

Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.

 

Swear undying love before even meeting you.

 

Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.

 

Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough; tells that you are not a "True" sub.

 

Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regress to yelling, name-calling and blame.

 

Puts you down in front of other people.

 

Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.

 

Never says "thank you", "excuse me" or "I am sorry" to anyone.

 

Lies or withhold information; cheat on you or is overly jealous.

 

Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.

 

Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.

 

Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.

[DaddysMonkey]

I'm at a loss for words for how amazing this is. Thank you OP.

[Atticus]

I've definitely encountered some of this in my past. The professional victim thing is especially insidious, because it's not always immediately obvious what they're doing—After all, some people do just get sick, or get abused, or just have bad luck once in a while, and you can't fault them for that. You feel terrible even considering the idea that the constant badness in their life might be their own fault. I don't even doubt that she was abused at some point during her childhood, but everything was an excuse to avoid taking any responsibility for her situation, and she would constantly put herself in dangerous, self destructive situations, and then want me to help put the pieces back together. I can't remember a single day in that relationship where she wasn't feeling ill, or having anxiety attacks, or when some person from her past got in touch with her randomly, causing her to freak out. She dominated the whole relationship emotionally, expecting constant affection and support, constant sympathy and praise, but never considered my needs at all. If I had a bad day at work, there was never any real support. Usually the best I'd get is a hug and then a bombshell of her latest problems. Health, money, running into ex boyfriends, anxiety attacks, you name it. There was ALWAYS something. It took about 2 years, but I finally realized what was going on, and on the advice of some very nice people, I broke things off. Even then, I was terrified to break it off because I was convinced she'd try to kill herself. She didn't. It took me months after it ended before I REALLY realized just how manipulative and emotionally abusive the whole thing was.

 

Thanks for posting this OP. It certainly spoke to me, and I hope it helps others.

Edited December 31, 2016 by KevinLloyd

[JoshuaDD]

I've definitely encountered some of this in my past. The professional victim thing is especially insidious, because it's not always immediately obvious what they're doing—After all, some people do just get sick, or get abused, or just have bad luck once in a while, and you can't fault them for that. You feel terrible even considering the idea that the constant badness in their life might be their own fault. I don't even doubt that she was abused at some point during her childhood, but everything was an excuse to avoid taking any responsibility for her situation, and she would constantly put herself in dangerous, self destructive situations, and then want me to help put the pieces back together. I can't remember a single day in that relationship where she wasn't feeling ill, or having anxiety attacks, or when some person from her past got in touch with her randomly, causing her to freak out. She dominated the whole relationship emotionally, expecting constant affection and support, constant sympathy and praise, but never considered my needs at all. If I had a bad day at work, there was never any real support. Usually the best I'd get is a hug and then a bombshell of her latest problems. Health, money, running into ex boyfriends, anxiety attacks, you name it. There was ALWAYS something. It took about 2 years, but I finally realized what was going on, and on the advice of some very nice people, I broke things off. Even then, I was terrified to break it off because I was convinced she'd try to kill herself. She didn't. It took me months after it ended before I REALLY realized just how manipulative and emotionally abusive the whole thing was.

 

Thanks for posting this OP. It certainly spoke to me, and I hope it helps others.

 

I'm new here (Hi) and you literally spoke to my entire relationship with my "little" up to this point. Mine is a mix of Professional Victim and Excuse sub. Like you I've been with her for about 2 years, and like you there always seemed to be some catastrophe she's going though (which many times is her fault). Like yours, she always seemed to find herself in a dangerous situation or multiple exs would get in touch with her. She has even lied to me about allowing one ex to perform sexual acts on her which wasn't approved or even acknowledged by me.

 

I've spent most of my life these past 2 years attempting to solve her problems to the detriment of my own self-employment business and health (as I wold get no sleep because she demanded my time and attention nearly 24/7 since she rarely slept). I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do as her daddy...only for her to blame me for "ruining her life" when I finally said I'm done. She'd demand all of my time and attention without supporting me by considering the work I have to put in for my business or the time I spent with my mother who just lost her mom to heart failure.

 

She's broken up with me several times as "punishment" for not getting her way, or because I've reprimanded her, or because I've asked that we establish a schedule so I can devote time to all of the important things in my life including her. So when that didn't fly, I asked for a day where she maintains her life on her own based on the rules we've established (only calling me for emergencies) but she broke up with me again because I was "treating her like a job". She'd give every excuse in the world as to why she couldn't perform a task I specifically told her to do, then call me a baby for simply addressing it. She'd also become very passive aggressive to get me to lose my temper and victimize her verbally or "victimize" her with silent treatment or withhold punishment (like spanking) as a punishment itself (since that's what turned her on anyhow since she's a masochist).

 

Finally I realized (and would finally tell her) that (a) she wasn't submissive but very domineering, that ( I was actually her slave and that © she was abusing me emotionally. So the very last time she broke up with me (because I didn't call her *when she expected me to* on Thanksgiving, even though I *told her* I was extended visiting family I'd never met in my life and so I would call her *as soon as I could* that day), I told her it was over; would not be taking her back again.

 

48hrs later she had a new guy (which means she was already talking to him behind my back), but then they started arguing almost instantly. When they failed within 4 weeks she came running back to me to take her back. Since then she has refused to leave me alone; refused to stick to the no contact rule. She cries constantly, says she needs me to function now, and hints at me taking her back because she knows the immense love, care and attention I've given her matches nothing she's ever had before.

 

She either doesn't understand or doesn't care that being a caregiver is mentally and emotionally draining and that our relationship is NOT one-sided for her emotional or physical advantage; that she's expected to support me if no other way than emotionally by obeying, being loyal and trustworthy, submitting, and respecting me. I realized when the recipient of the care is not supportive in return, or worse emotionally abusive, it makes the caregiver feel used and unappreciated. There's nothing refilling his emotional "cup" so to say.

 

But I fell in love with her. She's been my little for 2 years so it's hard to ignore her when I see her in need, so when she calls or texts asking for help I'm not rude enough (or strong enough?) to ignore her just yet.

 

However, just a few hours ago tonight I was on the phone with her and she refused to respect me: talking over me, questioning why she hadn't heard from me for 2hrs (remember, we're not together. she knows this but is trying to weasel her way back in), insulting me about what I did spend my time doing. So - fed up - I told her she no longer has the privilege of talking to me on the phone for the rest of the night as I said "goodnight". Through text she responds with "goodbye", so enraged I searched the Google looking for a replacement daddy who lives in her area and found a personal add on this forum. I then forwarded her the personal ad telling her, "maybe this guy is patient & experienced enough to handle your disrespect and abuse. I suggest you interview him prior to jumping into a relationship as fast as you did the previous one."

 

We'll see what she does going forward but as of right now I'm done. So heartbroken.

 

So here I am, looking through the threads on this forum instead of sleeping soundly like I should be so I can effectively work in the morning.

 

My apologies for the length of this post. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

Edited January 17, 2017 by JoshuaDD

[auban]

in my opinion, the only one i would be worried about would be the legal eagle.  the rest of them just end up producing unhealthy dynamics, or no dynamic at all.  

 

generally speaking, if someone is willing to live with you, you can find a way to change the dynamic.  my wife used to follow the excuse/victim script pretty well.  i did what all good Doms should do, i learned how to motivate her to change her behavior.  to encourage the ones i like and discourage the ones i don't.  hence why i will likely never leave her.  if something is bothering me, i am quite confident that i can do something about it and fix it.

 

the real red flags, from my perspective, mostly have to do with the Dom themselves.  IE, are they getting what they want out of the relationship?  do they find it to be overbearing?  does their sub cause them more grief than joy?  

 

the excuse sub will never be a red flag to me because i am confident that i can live happily with one.  i am confident in my ability to motivate them.  the showpiece will never be a red flag either.  some subs just like to be admired as prized objects, and if thats what they want, then they should find a Dom who likes having the status symbol showpiece sub.  what is a red flag to one is not a red flag to another.  just pay attention and know what you actually want.

 

 i am confident in my ability to influence whoever subjects themselves to me.  i will find ways to motivate them specifically.

interact with me long enough, and you will change for the better.

Edited January 17, 2017 by auban

[EbonyKittenPrincess]

Have bad relationships with most or all of their family members.

 

What if the person does just have a really bad family x)

[Guest Bunnyblossom]

What if the person does just have a really bad family x)

Apparently that's not a factor. You're clearly a Red Flag.

 

 

This is baloney.

[Guest Kali]

While I can see some value in the warnings and behavioural types you have described, most if not all of these characteristics could not be precluded from manifesting in a Dom. I think it would be more helpful if this was simply called Red Flags and did not attribute these traits to dominants or submissives. I think doing that can give, in this case, Dominants (particularly new ones) the wrong idea.

It is also highly prescriptive and does nothing to suggest that the enquirer him or herself spends any time in introspection; to ensure that they themselves do not exhibit any of these tendencies.

Finally, and probably most irritating for me, is the black and white dogmatic attitude it appears to take toward people who may genuinely be struggling with mental health issues of any nature or severity.

I must agree with the two most recent replies. It seems to be written from the perspective of one who is unwilling to accept another's imperfections and failings. of course there are always going to be submissive and dominant people who consciously manipulate their partner with selfish intent. However, it really does remain incumbent upon the dominant to have the compassion to try to understand their prospective, new submissive and not simply red flag them at the first bump in the road. And heavens forbid, a Little who is genuinely struggling with some aspect of herself and just needs time to open up and confide in her Daddy gets dumped prematurely due to an overly intolerant approach.

Edited January 23, 2017 by Kali

[Guest Bunnyblossom]

Well said, Kali. A+

[Guest Kittehmuffin]

Yup...what Kali said

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

The link in the OP will take you to a website with a very comprehensive article called Red Flags for Submissives.  Good read.

[kitties]

I feel sorry for anyone who has someone toxic in their life and hasn't realized it yet.  I hope they get through it <3

[Chi]

i love this topic 

good job OP :3!!

[Guest Fros†beard]

The Professional Victim slave/sub. This is someone that spends a great deal of time making others feel sorry for them, they are always telling others about how they were abuse or victimized by someone. One thing that I have noticed with this individual is that they never take responsibility for any thing; it is always someone else\'s fault. They will knowingly put themselves in danger or in situations where there is sure to be a problem, and then blame the other party. They never learn from their mistakes, mainly because they don\'t want to they love the pity parties and the attention.

I used to live with one of these, except it was even worse.

In addition to the above, she was trying to cut me off from my friends and basically control every aspect of my life.

I wasn't allowed to have hobbies or interests or any space of my own. She'd literally talk over me every time I tried to bring up something I liked and she'd keep at it until I gave up on what I wanted to say.

 

Easily one of the worst periods of my life - and that's saying something. And the thing is, she seemed so great at first. I mean, she seemed amazing for months. It wasn't until she moved in that she showed her true colors.

 

Be careful, brothers and sisters.

[Guest BoredDD]

Should this even be pinned if the users was banned?

What were they banned for?

[Guest aphroditelaughs]

Should this even be pinned if the users was banned?

What were they banned for?

Doesn't make the information any less valuable.

[Daddy4SubLg]

So much matches my ex wife/supposed sub before she went rogue in home job and in marriage. Thank you. Very insightful and reminding.

[MommySophia]

Where as I agree a lot of those “types” are troublesome, I also believe a lot of those types are exaggerated and following this guideline to the letter will create false expectations.

 

For example: The Cyber, Showcase and Fetish slaves are all hyper exaggerated in my opinion.

 

Cyber Slave - As a trainer I have trained so many slaves, subs and littles via online communication only and I have the results to show that they have a better understanding than a lot of “real life” subs I have seen. Just because a person has only online experience doesn’t mean they should be avoided, but rather, they just haven’t had the chance yet. To that, some people only want online slaves and that goes both ways (for the slave and the Master) and with those individual in minds, that accusation could be a real insult. They live a different dynamic than yours but that doens’t make them a red flag.

 

Showcase - Okay, yes we do know there are women out there like that, but again, look how exaggerated it is. Maybe a Master wants a slave to cherish her very image because He sees it as an extension of himself. This falls, again, under the fact that people want and expect different things. Let’s look at Sugar Daddies - they literally pay women (where it is legal - for context here) to be their perfect looking toy (not all but a majority of the industry). And for them, that is what works. For a lot of men especially, having the pristine looking sub is part of allure and a lot of those Masters will modify their expectations of their slave to fit their image desires.

 

Fetish - I am actually almost insulted myself with this one. I have a billion and one kinks... yet I hold commitment very dear to my heart. I do not believe having a wide BDSM palate should be any indication of a Red Flag. I think their subsequent flakey behavior should. We need to be very careful in what we deem warning signs because in this example, I my entire friend base should be avoided and they are all some of the most wonderfully committed bunch I know. A high tolerance for many kinks is not a warning sign.

 

Now with those questions you have listed, to ask yourself to see if you slave may be toxic, a lot of them have merit, but then again a lot of them are actually quite reasonable if you add context.

 

 

 

Does the slave/sub spend an unusual amount of time preening or looking at him or her self in the mirror?

- Some people care a great deal about their physical appearance, and some are required to by their profession. So use your common judgement on this should even be a warning or not.

 

Does the slave/sub frequently compare you with other relationships that he or she has had?

-Human existence is nothing but comparison of similar situations, that is how we evolve and grow. And more times than not, comparing the two is how a person expresses what they need from a relationship (ie, You actually listen to me, unlike my last Master. I was horrible with him, but you really are so much more). This isn’t always a red flag, just sometimes that is how people express themselves.

 

Has the slave/sub ever made you feel guilty about questioning his or her actions?

-Well, what actions are we talking about? This is far to vague to give you any kind of indication that this slave would be a problem. Masters are human and therefore do make mistakes, and if we recognize this then maybe we need to recognize they should feel guilt for making assumptions (ie. How could you even think I was cheating on you? I have been working late, look here are my time slip cards from work.)

 

When you are at a group function does the slave/sub wander off the minute that he or she steps in the door?

-Now wait just a minute... unless you two have a Total Power Exchange Dynmaic, this should not be a worry. So what if you slave runs from you and into the arms of her family the moment she gets in her family house for Christmas? It is not healthy, unless expressed prior, to judge your slave’s actions as “bad” because they are excited to see friends and family. *When you are at a group function, does the slave/sub leave you and not spend a moment with you during the entire event?* That is the question you should be asking.

 

Has the slave/sub ever told you to shut up?

Has the slave/sub ever cussed you out or yelled at you?

-Who here has not gotten into a serious yelling debate with someone they loved the most? Who here does use their own form of profanities when they are at their witts end? What you need to focus on is not *if they have ever* but more *do they constantly* do this. We all make mistakes and when we are stressed, more times than not, we lash out. Again, we are human, not machines, and if you cannot forgive your partner of one heated, ranting argument, than I would question the Master’s true commitment to said slave.

 

Has the slave/sub ever refused to have physical relations with you just to get back at you for something?

-Define “get back at”? See a lot of these are far too vague and will do a a lot more harm if you take them at face value. There is a difference is a slave refuses intimacy for petty reasons vs a slave who refuses intimacy for mental health. Ie. It is wrong if a slave refuses intimacy because you didn’t buy her that new purse, vs. a slave who refuses intimacy because you have legitimately hurt her feelings. Now both could be seen as “weaponized sex” but one has a legitimate state of being. Make sure when reflecting and *judging* your slave, you are honest with your actions as well.

 

Has the slave/sub ever demanded to know where you are or called to check up on you?

-This answer should ALWAYS be yes! Why? Because it means they care! Do not confuse stalking and caring here. I demand to know where my littles are at when they have been driving in dangerous conditions and are an hour later than expected. Why? Because I was terrified. And when my littles call to check up on me because I forgot to let them know I arrived safely, I am grateful they care. AGAIN - tailor these questions to the core issues so you are not confusing what is wrong and what is right. *Does the slave demand to know you every move and location every second of the day?* is what you need to ask.

 

Has the slave/sub ever nagged you to do something?

-Have you ever nagged? This is a character trait and at some point everyone will nag everyone they know for something. Again, watch your phrasing. *Does you slave constantly nag you to do things, even though it is not necessary?* is more what you should be looking for.

 

Have others told you that your slave/sub has behaved in an unacceptable manner?

-When you are outside looking in, how can people determine what is unacceptable? Define these terms lest you spread horrible advice. Because the Master/slave dynamic is a BDSM KINK lifestyle, a lot of elements may seem unacceptable to others (what if they dont know you are Poly?). So again, make sure you are really focusing are legitimate flags, not circumstantial ones.

 

 

 

These are just a few of the questions I pulled from that list. I guess my whole point is - YES THERE ARE PREDATORY BOTTOMS just like there are predatory tops. But spreading opinion-based and vague information like this is where a lot of people start misrepresenting themselves and start having unacheivable expectations.

 

(I do like this article as predatory bottoms are rarely spoken about, but just as we need to be clear when discussion predatory Tops, we need to do the same here.)

[junebug0325]

This is awesome. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to post this so new Daddies or Doms can see this and hopefully get themselves out of a bad situation. Thank you!

[Little_Ghoul]

Where as I agree a lot of those “types” are troublesome, I also believe a lot of those types are exaggerated and following this guideline to the letter will create false expectations.

 

For example: The Cyber, Showcase and Fetish slaves are all hyper exaggerated in my opinion.

 

Cyber Slave - As a trainer I have trained so many slaves, subs and littles via online communication only and I have the results to show that they have a better understanding than a lot of “real life” subs I have seen. Just because a person has only online experience doesn’t mean they should be avoided, but rather, they just haven’t had the chance yet. To that, some people only want online slaves and that goes both ways (for the slave and the Master) and with those individual in minds, that accusation could be a real insult. They live a different dynamic than yours but that doens’t make them a red flag.

 

Showcase - Okay, yes we do know there are women out there like that, but again, look how exaggerated it is. Maybe a Master wants a slave to cherish her very image because He sees it as an extension of himself. This falls, again, under the fact that people want and expect different things. Let’s look at Sugar Daddies - they literally pay women (where it is legal - for context here) to be their perfect looking toy (not all but a majority of the industry). And for them, that is what works. For a lot of men especially, having the pristine looking sub is part of allure and a lot of those Masters will modify their expectations of their slave to fit their image desires.

 

Fetish - I am actually almost insulted myself with this one. I have a billion and one kinks... yet I hold commitment very dear to my heart. I do not believe having a wide BDSM palate should be any indication of a Red Flag. I think their subsequent flakey behavior should. We need to be very careful in what we deem warning signs because in this example, I my entire friend base should be avoided and they are all some of the most wonderfully committed bunch I know. A high tolerance for many kinks is not a warning sign.

 

Now with those questions you have listed, to ask yourself to see if you slave may be toxic, a lot of them have merit, but then again a lot of them are actually quite reasonable if you add context.

 

 

 

Does the slave/sub spend an unusual amount of time preening or looking at him or her self in the mirror?

- Some people care a great deal about their physical appearance, and some are required to by their profession. So use your common judgement on this should even be a warning or not.

 

Does the slave/sub frequently compare you with other relationships that he or she has had?

-Human existence is nothing but comparison of similar situations, that is how we evolve and grow. And more times than not, comparing the two is how a person expresses what they need from a relationship (ie, You actually listen to me, unlike my last Master. I was horrible with him, but you really are so much more). This isn’t always a red flag, just sometimes that is how people express themselves.

 

Has the slave/sub ever made you feel guilty about questioning his or her actions?

-Well, what actions are we talking about? This is far to vague to give you any kind of indication that this slave would be a problem. Masters are human and therefore do make mistakes, and if we recognize this then maybe we need to recognize they should feel guilt for making assumptions (ie. How could you even think I was cheating on you? I have been working late, look here are my time slip cards from work.)

 

When you are at a group function does the slave/sub wander off the minute that he or she steps in the door?

-Now wait just a minute... unless you two have a Total Power Exchange Dynmaic, this should not be a worry. So what if you slave runs from you and into the arms of her family the moment she gets in her family house for Christmas? It is not healthy, unless expressed prior, to judge your slave’s actions as “bad” because they are excited to see friends and family. *When you are at a group function, does the slave/sub leave you and not spend a moment with you during the entire event?* That is the question you should be asking.

 

Has the slave/sub ever told you to shut up?

Has the slave/sub ever cussed you out or yelled at you?

-Who here has not gotten into a serious yelling debate with someone they loved the most? Who here does use their own form of profanities when they are at their witts end? What you need to focus on is not *if they have ever* but more *do they constantly* do this. We all make mistakes and when we are stressed, more times than not, we lash out. Again, we are human, not machines, and if you cannot forgive your partner of one heated, ranting argument, than I would question the Master’s true commitment to said slave.

 

Has the slave/sub ever refused to have physical relations with you just to get back at you for something?

-Define “get back at”? See a lot of these are far too vague and will do a a lot more harm if you take them at face value. There is a difference is a slave refuses intimacy for petty reasons vs a slave who refuses intimacy for mental health. Ie. It is wrong if a slave refuses intimacy because you didn’t buy her that new purse, vs. a slave who refuses intimacy because you have legitimately hurt her feelings. Now both could be seen as “weaponized sex” but one has a legitimate state of being. Make sure when reflecting and *judging* your slave, you are honest with your actions as well.

 

Has the slave/sub ever demanded to know where you are or called to check up on you?

-This answer should ALWAYS be yes! Why? Because it means they care! Do not confuse stalking and caring here. I demand to know where my littles are at when they have been driving in dangerous conditions and are an hour later than expected. Why? Because I was terrified. And when my littles call to check up on me because I forgot to let them know I arrived safely, I am grateful they care. AGAIN - tailor these questions to the core issues so you are not confusing what is wrong and what is right. *Does the slave demand to know you every move and location every second of the day?* is what you need to ask.

 

Has the slave/sub ever nagged you to do something?

-Have you ever nagged? This is a character trait and at some point everyone will nag everyone they know for something. Again, watch your phrasing. *Does you slave constantly nag you to do things, even though it is not necessary?* is more what you should be looking for.

 

Have others told you that your slave/sub has behaved in an unacceptable manner?

-When you are outside looking in, how can people determine what is unacceptable? Define these terms lest you spread horrible advice. Because the Master/slave dynamic is a BDSM KINK lifestyle, a lot of elements may seem unacceptable to others (what if they dont know you are Poly?). So again, make sure you are really focusing are legitimate flags, not circumstantial ones.

 

 

 

These are just a few of the questions I pulled from that list. I guess my whole point is - YES THERE ARE PREDATORY BOTTOMS just like there are predatory tops. But spreading opinion-based and vague information like this is where a lot of people start misrepresenting themselves and start having unacheivable expectations.

 

(I do like this article as predatory bottoms are rarely spoken about, but just as we need to be clear when discussion predatory Tops, we need to do the same here.)

You seem very understanding and balanced in your approach to this. I think it would be awesome if you wrote your own list of red flags to look for. 

[Guest AlexaKim]

I can very well relate to this. I have met my fair share of certain subs/slaves in the list. It kinda tells you or rather confirms it that your instincts or gut are not wrong when you start knowing the sub or slave. You get that bad vibe when you talk to the person for the first time . People just tend to ignore it

Great topic

Edited March 13, 2019 by AlexaKim

[Mario]

Great post !

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

One thing I didn't see mentioned in this topic is catfishing. I can't be the only caregiver who's been catfished in the past. In my experience, this tends to be males pretending to be female in order to deceive a caregiver into role-playing or even entering into a relationship. Many catfishers are easy to spot after a short conversation, but some can be quite insidious. Photos alone are not sufficient proof that someone is the person they claim to be, as anyone with access to social media can steal a huge number of photos very quickly. Reverse image searches such as TinEye can be useful, but only for public photos as photos in private albums or on private social media accounts will not show up there. Keep an eye out for people whose stories seem either inconsistent or containing elements of fantasy. One example I can remember is a so-called little who claimed that her younger brother often diapered her for bed. Stories based in or around fetish or kink situations (like diapers) would be potential red flags. Video calling is by far the best way to establish that someone is at least the person represented in photographs they've sent you, and while I am quite happy to be patient with people who find video calling to be something that makes them anxious, if someone keeps flaking or making excuses for why they can't call, and these excuses seem suspect, I'd consider that a red flag. Finally, anyone new in your life who starts talking in a very distressed way about their finances, hinting that they want help, would be a potential red flag. The best scammers don't come right out and say "hey I want money for reason X or Y" but they may say things like "my mum's really sick and we can't afford her medicine this month", or something similar designed to tug at your heartstrings. Be wary of people who take a conversation in that direction when you don't know them well or haven't been together long. There are good resources on the web that go into far more detail than I have about how to spot if you're being catfished or scammed, so Google is your friend.