Communication issues

[thè]

 I have skimmed a bit trough the discussions, sorry if this has been discussed before,haven't seen something related.

 

I have recently started a DDlg dynamic with someone, i'm a total newbie,the little,but the other someone is a lot more experienced than me and has had a relationship like this before. Also,this is a long distance relationship.

 

The problem is i am experiencing severe emotional blockages .Altough i am indeed a little all the time,with the persons who are close to me,i have troubles expressing myself properly with him.I can't show my affection at all,it's like a crippling feeling and i just freeze. Altough he considers this to be adorable i feel very upset about it. I have so many things to share with him and i just can't. I wish i could connect more deeply with him but i just stumble on a barrier and i am afraid that he will just get bored of my coldness. Also i've started avoiding his presence ,like skipping his calls ,because i don't know how to react to him. Even tough there is a part of me who wishes to end this relationship and return to the comfortable side, i still want to try to make it work ,he's such a great person.

 

Has anyone confronted with this problem before?

If there are any tips on how can i improve my communication skills,pleaseee, do tell Xd

[Guest LittleLexiKitty]

Okay so in the end a caregiver realitionship is still a realitionship and they can be really scary! I myself have similar problems where i run away to a safe place when something new or scary happens such as a new realitionship. I find the best way to help/cope is to try and talk to them about it (i know its gonna he hard) but not only does it help them understand how you feel but it also helps you feel better since they understand.

 

Also try expressing yourself wif other wittles first and then work ure wat up to daddys, might help :3

[Guest Ginger]

I was like this with my current boyfriend (/caregiver). Due to a really bad, abusive relationship prior to this one, I was super on edge about the whole thing. I'd go days without seeing him, I wouldn't respond to messages, avoided him basically, but he was super patient about it. I explained my problems and why I was acting the way I was (distant physically and emotionally) to him one evening. It took a good two hours just for me to get out why I was so uncomfortable and stuff. He said he'd give me all the space I needed until I felt okay with him.

 

I treated it like I would a pool? I kinda eased myself in one step at a time. I started messaging him more, initially. Then we started hanging out after work, which then turned into me staying at his place until the evening time. After I was comfortable with that, I started staying the night on occasion. During this whole fiasco I started opening up more to him, talking more face to face (something my social anxiety hates) instead of messaging. He did freak me out at one point, telling me he loved me (cue panic attack; my roommate calmed me down though) and I just told him I needed to slow down. He listened and backed off a bit, because it was like I'd hopped up the steps and began to back outta the pool, so to speak. It's taken a bit but I'm actually requesting to stay at his place now, versus my with my roommate. I'm perfectly comfortable with him now

 

Just take baby steps. You don't need to dive headfirst into this. Maybe establish a good 'vanilla' relationship first and then work in the DDLG aspect of it. At the end of the day though, it's all up to you. Do what makes you comfortable. Don't think you need to rush this just because he's been here before.

[splendabae]

i think it's important to really examine your feelings. just to be sure that you're not feeling these things on the chance that you might not actually like him and you just don't want to hurt him. i'm not saying that's the situation, but if you're fine with being open with everyone else then it could be possible. i really think there's something else, maybe counseling can help if you really want to make it work.

if you haven't already, you should tell him that you have a hard time expressing yourself with him. maybe you both could work on it. also writing down things you have a hard time saying might help.

sorry i'm not much help! i hope it works out!

[chloelayne]

For me, I'm on the other side of this spectrum. My daddy is the one who is almost scared to express emotion. I think he is scared to get hurt. But, having said this I have to push him. I have to push him to open up and show feeling. When he does I have to encourage it. It's a push and a pull thing. I pull for that emotional attachment while he pulls. I know he has feelings for me. I know I have feelings for him. He is extremely hesitant like you are. I know we will work through it but I have to be patient. The advice I have for you is to push through it. Instead of skipping his calls take them. You don't have to get deep and personal with him every time he calls. Communication is KEY in long distance relationships. I wouldn't call mine a long term relationship for he lives about 60 miles from me but communication still has to be HUGE part. I get to see him about 2-4 times a month so when we aren't together all we have is the video calls, phone calls, and text messages. We try to find moments that are best where we can really talk. When it isn't that time its cute little small conversation. You need to find what works between you two. Let him help break the wall you are behind. This wall didn't pop up over night, you had to develop it, so it won't break away in a night. Just tell your partner exactly how you are feeling. Don't be scared he won't understand or anything. If it's how you feel then it is how you feel. Best of luck to you!

[Antoinette]

Okay. I'm going to be 100% honest with you.

 

Communication is everything. If you can't talk to your partner your relationship will fail, although it sounds like you'd be more comfortable with it failing actually. If you don't already have a great connection with this person and good communication skills why would you become involved with them? That sounds fairly ridiculous to me. It sounds like you have severe communication issues, especially if it's so bad that you're purposely ignoring him.

 

The best thing to do would probably ask yourself some hard questions like why do you act like that, how you think you can overcome it and if it's worth being in a relationship with someone you can't talk to. There'll come a time when the excitement of a new relationship wears off and he'll get tired of having to beg for your affection and communication (assuming he's the one that predominantly attempts to talk) and he'll leave you. 

 

There's no point settling for someone if you don't really, truly want them. Don't settle. Be with someone who makes you fearless of the world, not someone who you're too scared to even talk to. 

[thè]

Thanks all for your replies

 

I was like this with my current boyfriend (/caregiver). Due to a really bad, abusive relationship prior to this one, I was super on edge about the whole thing. I'd go days without seeing him, I wouldn't respond to messages, avoided him basically, but he was super patient about it. I explained my problems and why I was acting the way I was (distant physically and emotionally) to him one evening. It took a good two hours just for me to get out why I was so uncomfortable and stuff. He said he'd give me all the space I needed until I felt okay with him.

 

I treated it like I would a pool? I kinda eased myself in one step at a time. I started messaging him more, initially. Then we started hanging out after work, which then turned into me staying at his place until the evening time. After I was comfortable with that, I started staying the night on occasion. During this whole fiasco I started opening up more to him, talking more face to face (something my social anxiety hates) instead of messaging. He did freak me out at one point, telling me he loved me (cue panic attack; my roommate calmed me down though) and I just told him I needed to slow down. He listened and backed off a bit, because it was like I'd hopped up the steps and began to back outta the pool, so to speak. It's taken a bit but I'm actually requesting to stay at his place now, versus my with my roommate. I'm perfectly comfortable with him now

 

Just take baby steps. You don't need to dive headfirst into this. Maybe establish a good 'vanilla' relationship first and then work in the DDLG aspect of it. At the end of the day though, it's all up to you. Do what makes you comfortable. Don't think you need to rush this just because he's been here before.

Yes,taking the baby steps right now : )

 

 

Okay. I'm going to be 100% honest with you.

 

Communication is everything. If you can't talk to your partner your relationship will fail, although it sounds like you'd be more comfortable with it failing actually. If you don't already have a great connection with this person and good communication skills why would you become involved with them? That sounds fairly ridiculous to me. It sounds like you have severe communication issues, especially if it's so bad that you're purposely ignoring him.

 

The best thing to do would probably ask yourself some hard questions like why do you act like that, how you think you can overcome it and if it's worth being in a relationship with someone you can't talk to. There'll come a time when the excitement of a new relationship wears off and he'll get tired of having to beg for your affection and communication (assuming he's the one that predominantly attempts to talk) and he'll leave you. 

 

There's no point settling for someone if you don't really, truly want them. Don't settle. Be with someone who makes you fearless of the world, not someone who you're too scared to even talk to. 

Communication isn't the only way to connect with someone,introverts will tell you so. But i do get your point and appreciate the honesty,made me ask myself some questions. Also,sometimes ,even if say you find your most dearest,the so called "the one" who is supposed to make you invincible ,even then your mind creates fears and stops to make you not achieve your best form with that someone.And i'd say this is the case for me and this issue is not just a one time happening,it's recurrent in all my relationships.This is way i am trying to make it work,even tough a part of me would rather not,since it's easier to let your shadows grow,without disturbing them.

 

Anyway, we've decided to to something like that: I'd write a diary entry daily and show it to him at the end of the day, it would include all my thoughts on that day and thoughts on our relationship,things that i am afraid to say verbally .I think it will work out.

[Antoinette]

Thanks all for your replies

 

Yes,taking the baby steps right now : )

 

 

Communication isn't the only way to connect with someone,introverts will tell you so. But i do get your point and appreciate the honesty,made me ask myself some questions. Also,sometimes ,even if say you find your most dearest,the so called "the one" who is supposed to make you invincible ,even then your mind creates fears and stops to make you not achieve your best form with that someone.And i'd say this is the case for me and this issue is not just a one time happening,it's recurrent in all my relationships.This is way i am trying to make it work,even tough a part of me would rather not,since it's easier to let your shadows grow,without disturbing them.

 

Anyway, we've decided to to something like that: I'd write a diary entry daily and show it to him at the end of the day, it would include all my thoughts on that day and thoughts on our relationship,things that i am afraid to say verbally .I think it will work out.

 

I'm an introvert myself and I have no problem communicating with those who I love when I need to. I'm glad you two found a way to work things out.