changing the dynamics - super nervous

[littlemissoopsie]

Well here I am, worrying my little brain out about attempting to change the dynamics of my vanilla relationship with my fiancé of 7 years. (I 25, He 34) I've been doing research which is how I came across the forum, and have read up on some older threads for tips, but it really doesn't ease my nerves at all.

 

A little back story, yesterday by pure chance I came across a DD/lg blog, and the whole thing resonated with me and I genuinely felt a sudden sense of relief, all the feelings of confusion, feeling lonely and lost that I've been feeling for months made complete sense and a heavy weight was lifted. Now I'm utterly terrified of attempting to change my relationship, I know 100% it's what I need, and feel like he would benefit greatly but explaining it to him is almost like being forced to speak a new language. When our first relationship first started out, I was only 18, I was young and he tried to introduce me to a little bondage and other things but I wasn't confident at all and suffered with very low self esteem so we stuck to being in a Vanilla relationship for the sake of me not freaking out. So I know he has kinks to that extent, and has always been very open and always tried to guide me to be a little less shy in and out of the bedroom. The situation as it stands right now is that we are still very much in love and loving towards each other, but busy lives and me continuously feeling confused/lost without communicating to him (bad I know but I didn't have the words) has meant that our bedroom playtime has dwindled to almost nothing, and I cannot take it any more. I KNOW he wants to fix this more than anything (though I want to little in and out of the bedroom).

 

So yesterday, when he got home from work I spoke to him softly, in my little cute voice (something I've always done anyway) I gave him lots of cuddles and he kept on kissing my forehead and playing with my hair, and I had butterflies for the first time in a long time and felt like my heart was about to burst with joy just because it felt so nice, relaxing and beautiful    I have also ordered the cutest pink dress, some super cute socks and other stuff that I want to wear tomorrow, I already know he loves it when I dress in a cute way but I never feel confident enough so have avoided it for a long time. I'm not going to come right out with it, I think introducing slowly will work better for me because I'm so so nervous about his reactions even though I know he wouldn't hurt me, I'm just worried he'll laugh unintentionally at the idea, or become weired out by it which I know I will get upset or embarrassed about.

 

So sorry for the super long post, it has really helped me to get all this off of my chest. I'm guess what I'm looking for is some more words of advice/encouragement. Any tips on how to beat my confidence and nerves issues, reading others experiences about changing relationships. If you managed to read all of this, thank you so much and I look forward to opening up on here a little more.

[Guest countlieberkuhn]

By the sounds of it, he might also be into it as well, even if he doesn't know it's a thing yet.  That's why I'm here really, I adore girls who dress up cute, in pink etc and act in a cutesy manner.  I later linked that to DDLG, and came here eventually after deciding its something I want to pursue and get involved in.

 

Your fiance might be in the same boat.  You're already half way there.  Just wear your new dress for him, and see how that goes.  He'll probably love it!  If your intimacy improves then keep just going a little bit further into it.  Once you've tested the waters a bit more and found it's working out then maybe you could speak to him to see if you can take it further into the DDLG dynamic.

 

Hope it goes well for you!  You've no reason to be nervous since he clearly loves you and you've already got the makings of it.

[littlemissoopsie]

I do sort of get the feeling that he will be in to it from some of the ways he has acted towards me in the past, nerve racking all the same. If I'm totally honest I've spent the last few months wondering if there was something wrong with me, I just couldn't work out what my mind was trying to tell me. This afternoon I've actually written him a letter, as it feels easier than saying it out loud, and with the letter I've included a suggestive list of some rules/guidelines/maybe stuff for us to both try. I haven't come out with it as such, but mentioned that my brain sometimes feels younger than what I am and that I like feeling like that. I'm going to be giving it him tomorrow after a few courage drinks hehe. I'm mostly excited now, but doubts still creep up on me. 

 

Thank you for your kind words, I hope you have fun and find what you are looking for. Now I feel involved, I can't help but want anyone who has maybe been feeling like I have, a little lost and confused to find this wonderful world and embrace it!

 

Btw, I am also in the Midlands, B'ham actually, so if you ever want a chat let me know, that goes for anyone reading. I would love to make some new friends while I'm here.

[Guest ZenDD]

You seem to have a serious communication issue that luckily hasn't dissolved this relationship which is obviously very important to both of you. As I seem to say far too often in my responses, no one should feel apprehension talking to their partner about anything. No way around it; the fact that you feel this apprehension is indicative of a problem. 

 

If your communication issues occur strictly within your relationship, and not outside of it, then some couple's counseling is definitely something to consider in order to learn ways in which to discuss relationship concerns with one another. If your communication issues extend outside of the relationship and you find it hard to express your opinions, concerns, and needs to others in general, then some personal counseling is definitely in order. There are also many books and on-line resources on interpersonal communication, including communication styles and techniques within various kinds of relationships, that can help you better understand your particular communication issues.

 

In my opinion, this idea you have to gradually express your feelings to him, a little at a time, is not a good one. Especially as you've been together for numerous years. You don't want to develop the technique of a "slow leak", where he may always suspect that when you give him information you tend to hold back some of it. That can lead to issues of mistrust, or feeling manipulated. While you may see it as an issue of fear or nervousness on your part, it can actually be interpreted as a way of being controlling: delivering information on a "need-to-know" basis, with you solely determining what your partner needs to know and when. It can be interpreted as being dishonest.

 

Many people seem to want to use this "slow leak" technique with regards to discussing their identity or their needs from a relationship. More often than not, it's a method that can lead to unhealthy emotional repercussions for all involved.

 

Communication problems can slowly erode relationships and our own personal development. We can't let things like "shyness" or "nervousness" get in the way of being clear to others what we feel, need, and want. We also need to be able to be clear about what we're willing and capable of giving and providing so that others know how responsible, dependable, and committed we can or want be. We all can improve our communication skills and should always strive to do so.

 

Love alone is not enough. Take action, seek out resources, and help to empower yourself, and don't let poor communication get in the way of having an honest, open, happy, productive life filled with healthy relationships. Take care, good luck.

 

(edited for spelling)

Edited December 23, 2016 by ZenDD

[Antoinette]

Hey! Can I just say I don't think you have a major 'communication issue' or anything strikingly wrong with your relationship, from what I read it just seems to lack a few things that can easily be gained! For example better communication and a better sex life. 

 

My daddy is 21 years old and I'm 19, I introduced him to this lifestyle. Before this he was completely, 100% vanilla (like, I even had to explain and give him research references for basic BDSM-type things), it was fine though because this was a man I'd known two years prior to dating, somebody who'd always been caring and nurturing - someone who I loved and who I loved for a very long time. So you know what I did? I stepped out of my comfort zone. I explained what DD/lg was a how I incorporated it into my life. I showed him how DDs (usually) act, I gave him research tools and he told me that he wanted to try it. If you were able to observe our dynamic now you'd think he'd been a DD his whole life - but he hasn't. We just approached it correctly, with honest, open communication and plenty of research. I love him more than anything and telling him up-front and honestly was the best decision I ever made.

 

In life we have to do things that we don't like, often we do them with no benefit but rare times like this we can benefit from doing something we don't like. Stepping outside (or even leaping outside) of your comfort zone is the only thing that will help you progress to what you really want in life. If you don't ask you don't get, if you don't try you don't do. So on and so forth. It's your choice entirely how you two go about this but I would suggest having him research DD/lg and having you research it more also. Like I've said before, DD/lg is so much more than a Tumblr aesthetic - for some people, they use age regression to help them cope mentally, for some it's sexual, for some it's simply just who they are. Don't be afraid to tell your partner about this, in fact... Be excited to. Ask him to have an open mind, try it out - maybe he doesn't like it, maybe he does. That's the chance you take for happiness. 

[Littlest_Lushie]

My biggest tip is if you haven't told him already- make sure that YOU tell him what YOU like about the lifestyle. When I first introduced my boyfriend to it, I told him to not Google the term until I was finished explaining. Having him look things up himself may only lead him to find the extremes of Dd/lg and may turn him off. 

 

So, please emphasize the things that you would like, not what everyone else tends to like. I would also start off easy- with fluffy blankets, stuffed animal, funny light heart movies/cartoons. And how it helps you relieve stress and helps you be carefree. This sounds more understandable than, I want to watch cartoons and suck on a pacifier- make sense?

 

I do NOT think that you have communication issues. At all. You're just nervous- as you have right to be! I'd say just give him a brief overview, and leave it open for any questions he may have. Let him know that you think that your personalities already match the lifestyle and let him think about comments/react appropriately. 

 

You can do it. And it seems like he might be interested in this as well! Just take it slowly and be patient with each other! You got this! 

 

Please let us know how it goes! Many married couples have introduced this lifestyle with plenty of success! Positive thoughts!

[Guest countlieberkuhn]

I do sort of get the feeling that he will be in to it from some of the ways he has acted towards me in the past, nerve racking all the same. If I'm totally honest I've spent the last few months wondering if there was something wrong with me, I just couldn't work out what my mind was trying to tell me. This afternoon I've actually written him a letter, as it feels easier than saying it out loud, and with the letter I've included a suggestive list of some rules/guidelines/maybe stuff for us to both try. I haven't come out with it as such, but mentioned that my brain sometimes feels younger than what I am and that I like feeling like that. I'm going to be giving it him tomorrow after a few courage drinks hehe. I'm mostly excited now, but doubts still creep up on me. 

 

Thank you for your kind words, I hope you have fun and find what you are looking for. Now I feel involved, I can't help but want anyone who has maybe been feeling like I have, a little lost and confused to find this wonderful world and embrace it!

 

Btw, I am also in the Midlands, B'ham actually, so if you ever want a chat let me know, that goes for anyone reading. I would love to make some new friends while I'm here.

Ah great!  Always good to meet more local people  There's a few more knocking around the midlands than I expected actually, which is cool.

[littlemissoopsie]

Thank you both for your responses, it certainly has me thinking. I will say though that I don't believe I have a serious communication issue, perhaps I didn't explain very well. I think minor issues yes, but we both have come on leaps and bounds over the years with our communication and he understands and supports me through my struggles as I do him. We have discussed counselling previously though, with regards to helping build my confidence and limiting my anxiety and it's an option, but right now I have plenty of free time on my hands which I have been using to work on myself and research self help methods for various things. A major problem for me, since I can remember is shyness with everything I do, work, friends and within the relationship, but again I'm working on it, that was one reason for the letter, and honestly the main thinking behind it was the I just thought it would be a nicer way of introducing him to it rather than blurting it out in a tipsy state. The only reason I haven't mentioned anything to him yet is because I'm only just figuring it out myself, not that he wouldn't mind really but he is also very busy with work so didn't want to give him any added stress while I'm on a journey of discovery. This is personally something I wanted to be able to figure out alone, we share everything else together so yes a little selfish on my part but I know he would never begrudge me that. He understands my need for space and to explore within limits alone which I am grateful for. I will be answering any of his questions open and honestly and will show him the same research I've been reading, the letter is just the beginning. What I meant by taking it slow was just that, introducing it slowly while we are both still beginners and researching so that neither of us become overwhelmed by the experience right away. Sorry if some of this doesn't make sense, it's difficult to reply from my phone. I appreciate all input and feedback, and I've never been anywhere near tumblr as it has never appealed to me. So this is something I've been researching with care and open mindedness. I know for me it will be more than just putting on a pretty dress but to me that feels like a good start, I hope this has explained a little bit more. I would also like to add that sexually we have tried various different things over the years, some have worked and some haven't. I don't like to say that something has been missing, rather that it's been good and bad but has the potential to be amazing. We've just despite trying never worked out what that amazing thing was for us both and I think this could be the thing. In fact, not to long ago we discussed our lack of sex and we both agreed that we would work on it and do our research and try new things but until recently we've had it tough in other areas of our lives so again it was put to one side. Thank you again, I could go in to so much more detail, I really do appreciate input and feedback.

[Littlest_Lushie]

I think you should continue to explore this for yourself. Find out what you like, find what best makes you feel little. Little is a state of mind, but often dressing up and stuff will help grow that inner feeling. I would recommend telling him at some point briefly that the way you act cute and dress cute actually can be connected to a special type of relationship- tell him that you'll be exploring it on your own first. And that he can ask any questions about it/you can find a time to sit down and talk about it. I do not think you need to drink or write a letter- I know its nerve wracking. But, know that you can do it. You can explain it to him and everything will turn out for the best. 

 

Some fun helpful links for you to explore on here:

 

Fun what kind of little are you? quiz: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/14212-what-kind-of-little-are-you-quiz/?hl=ages

 

Little Ages 4-10 description: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/13507-age-play-101-4-10-yo/?do=findComment&comment=73194

 

Things that make others feel little (many pages): https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/4338-things-that-make-you-feel-little/page-1?hl=feel%20little

[littlemissoopsie]

Thank you, just adding that the drinking was already preplanned as we will be celebrating something tomorrow, it isn't because of this. So far, I think I have worked out my limits for now with what I want and how I want it to work out but I will see how i feel tomorrow and whether I decide to share anything yet. He has seen a sneak peek of my outfit already for tomorrow as we are celebrating a special occasion and he loves it. Today I also sent him some links to a few little items that I want to buy that I wouldn't normally pick out as myself.

[Littlest_Lushie]

Wonderful to hear! And I wasn't implying that you were going to drink crazily or anything silly. I get it, a little courage sip or two. But, if you'll already be celebrating then I think its a nice time to mention it lightly. I'd say that if you're ready tomorrow- then go for it. Or at least express to him that their is something wonderful that you'd like to share but are nervous. From that point he could reassure you a little bit that he is understanding and supportive. That might make the talk a little bit easier. 

 

Either way, try to stay positive and start slowly. 

 

How did he like the items in the links that you sent? What were those items?

 

Please keep us up to date, we all wish nothing but the best for you both!

[littlemissoopsie]

I picked out a fluffy hot water bottle that comes with a matching stuffy, some pink unicorn slippers, a unicorn cup that comes with an awesome straw and some more colouring books. He already knows I like to colour/draw and doodle because I'm really in to crafts etc so that isn't new for him. He told me to buy them tomorrow and that he would have gotten them for me today because he works right by the shops they're from but he didn't take enough money to work. So far I haven't had any negative reactions to my 'hints' as it were, however he's told me off for being on my phone because I picked out the movie and I'm supposed to be watching it. I will update tomorrow if I decide to do anything, I'm feeling a lot more positive now after reading everyone's responses, thank you!

[Littlest_Lushie]

Awesome. Sounds like things are promising dear. You can do this! Hope tomorrow goes well with the celebration, even if you don't tell him anything about dd/lg! 

[Guest Princessaj]

Hi, Congrat's on your DDlg adventure.

 

I am a list person.

 

As you have already written him your ideas on rules/guidelines, I suggest that you keep track/journaling of the things you like about

-being a little

-things to do in little space,

-rewards, amazon reward/present list

-chore apps www.choremonster.com you both can see how you are doing.

-cute outfits, check out pinterest

- https://www.domsub.life/ a great blog written by a DDlg couple. He and she both write. Share with your Fiancee too.

- Consider watching the following..hosted and written by a sex educator and author

• Daddy Doms & Little Girls - Part 1 - Intro To DDlg
• Daddy Doms & Little Girls -  Part 2 - The Way Of The Daddy Dom
• Daddy Doms & Little Girls -  Part 3 - How To Be A Little Girl

-You may also want to get a calendar and plan certain DDlg date nights, activities and so forth

 

Not only will it help you keep track of your likes and dislikes, you can look back and see your progress.

If it hasn't been said before...invite him to check out the forum.

 

Oh by the way...you mentioned you have lots of time on your hands..to potentially help with your shyness, consider

volunteering. Choose a cause you are passionate about and you will feel so much more comfortable around like

minded people all working towards the same goal. Hugs

[littlemissoopsie]

Guys, it's going way better than I expected so far. I haven't exactly told him everything yet, I'm still not sure how much I want to reveal right now but I just wanted to give a quick update. Thanks so much for the support, I'll update again soon!

[littlemissoopsie]

So here's the situation right now, it all seems promising but I still did not bring up wanting a DD/lg relationship as the timing was bad. He was fully in to me wearing my outfit, and he mentioned that I looked like a little girl with my new My Little Pony colouring book, he didn't seem put off at all and even joked about getting me a paci. I know it sounds like it would have been the perfect time to tell him but it was all very jokey and we were drinking, I want a clear head when I tell him and for us to not be so busy. This morning I asked if he would like to set out some punishments for me, but he was worried about him getting too carried away (I already knew he would be in to that) so I suggested we write down limits, boundaries etc and include rewards too. He agreed to do it. I also told him I would prefer it if he asks to touch me sometimes, and he is happy with calling me Princess, he likes Princess baby which I love. I have also shown him a collar that I want, he is happy for me to have it. I think for now I am more than happy with all of this, and I'm now seeing more and more how well he fits the role that I never noticed before, such as in the way he tells me off in a nice, but stern way. After Christmas, I'm going to keep researching like crazy and show him some of what I find.

[Guest countlieberkuhn]

Sounds like it's going great!  Congrats  

 

Getting a collar and setting up rules and punishments sounds like you're pushing pretty heavily into the DDLG dynamic, even if you haven't really called it that with him yet.  Joking about getting a dummy (since we're both English, I'll use that term ) could well have been him testing the waters in that area, gauging the response.  I did that with a previous girlfriend to see if she had a latent little, but the most little thing she did was put her hair in pigtails once  Depending on your response to the dummy it could have indicated to him how into that dynamic you were (although he might just see it as a form of roleplay rather than having a genuine little side).

 

That being said, even if he's just into the idea in terms of roleplay, that means he's probably open to the idea as a lifestyle as well!

[littlemissoopsie]

With the dummy joke, i just said I wanted one to him lol. I've actually had one before towards the beginning of the relationship and he was fine with it at the time. The rest of the stuff that I've told him I would like to try/buy I was thinking more towards my birthday in Feb and throughout the year, as lots of it comes from Etsy in America so takes a while to arrive so I definitely won't be rushing to try it all out straight away and it still gives us plenty of time to keep researching and for me to let him know that it's more than just role play as you say. He definitely isn't unfamiliar with a Dom/sub lifestyle, I know he's been in one previous to being with me and we did try it out a little, I enjoyed it mostly but felt like it didn't quite fit for me, this just seems to make a whole lot of sense and fits better! I don't know if he's ever heard of DD/lg but it's possible as I know he used to use Dom/sub websites back in the day (we've actually known each other for about 11 years and met online) We haven't talked much about it still because of being busy over Xmas etc, 100% not going to rush it though and won't start asking him to try all this stuff without fully explaining it first haha, have you had any luck with your search yet?

[Guest countlieberkuhn]

Sounds good to me! He probably is at least aware its a thing if he's been floating around the BDSM scene for that long

 

No luck yet, but so far all I've really done is browse the forums and try to get a feel for things and see what the people are like. Just to make sure its what i want.

 

It is. Going to post in personals in the next day or 2 and see what happens from there!

Edited December 27, 2016 by countlieberkuhn