After care?

[DDLG-King]

I know this topic comes up a lot, but I have a dilemma. Me and my little are both very new to the DDLG community, and she recently asked me to be her daddy. For the most part she's a pretty well behaved little, but today I had to give her a little lecture. It wasn't a really big deal, and I wasn't super aggressive or anything, but it really upset her deeply. My little has very bad anxiety, and is very sensitive. She hates when she thinks she upsets people, especially her daddy. I tried my best to comfort her before she went to bed. I told her she'd be okay and that I don't enjoy lecturing her, but if she is being naughty that I have to, and that no matter what she could never make me not love her, but she still seemed pretty upset when she went to bed. Is there anything more I should do? Should have I done something differently? Should I just leave her be? I think she'll be fine, she always is. I just want to make sure she understands that daddy doesn't hate her, even when she's being a little bratty.

[Guest uk_caring_daddy]

You seem intent on finding a way to guide and support her, without hurting her in a way she can't handle. You seem to be committed to her and want a find a way to nurture her while being sensitive to her anxiety problems. You seem to see her in a way that she could never disappoint you.

 

If you haven't already, you could try to be very explicit and very repetitive about those things because she will value them.

 

Don't obsess about mistakes made (if any) as mistakes are easily made and she will allow you a wrong foot.

[Littlest_Lushie]

I'm similar to your little in the way that I have anxiety and it hurts me to know that I have upset my Daddy in some way. I feel like I failed him and that I'm not good enough- I feel guilty. 

 

I would say keep doing what you're doing. Love and discipline will never cure anxiety- but patience and support will. That support will help her improve her anxiety, that is if she wants to actively work on it everyday and improve it. I have been doing the same lately and its not easy, but it is so helpful. You seem committed to her, and that is great. You have the right idea here. Try to be as patient as you can with her and remind her of positives daily. Did she do a chore? Did she get a great grade on a test? Did she listen to you when you requested something? Tell her, tell her that you are proud of her. If she apologizes unnecessarily or feels bad that she disappointed you- explain why you punished, that even good girls can have bad days, and that Daddy only wants whats best for her. Which seems to be the case

 

uk_caring_daddy has the right idea- unfortunately if your little is anxious chances are that it is hard to manage for her- repetition and being firm/genuine will go the longest way. As I said, you may need to be patient with the repetition. Remember that most likely your little is NOT anxious on purpose and most likely she is actually suffering. So, try to remember that she is not exactly enjoying being anxious. Be a team, pick her up when shes down. And I hope that she does the same for you. 

 

With my Daddy, it seems that for him its so easy to see when I'm anxious or have been bad- because the bad always stands out more than the good. Thats why I'm suggesting to also emphasize on the good she has done. 

 

I would say that if when she gets grumpy, she tends to shy away... tell her that Daddy is here for her whenever shes ready, and that he understand shes anxious, but he still loves her no matter what. That way, shes reminded of your love but also doesn't feel pressured into staying in the conversation if being alone would benefit her. Make sense?

 

Daddy and I also live in Wisconsin btw! Feel free to message me at anytime- I've been a little for close to 3 years and my Daddy and I have been together for about a year and 4 months. We are extremely strong together despite my anxieties. So, I can definitely help if need be, and the more information the better advice I and many others can give!

[DDLG-King]

Thank you, Littlest_Lushie! That was a great response. I agree with everything you said. I try to reinforce the things she does well, but I think I'll have to start doing it more often. She is, most of the time, a very good girl, so I should probably tell her that more often. Thank you for taking the time to reply! Edited December 23, 2016 by DDLG-King

[Antoinette]

This is the problem when people just jump into DD/lg or any other BDSM dynamic without researching it fully. Aftercare is important - if one person needs aftercare (regardless of the punishment/activity) then they are entitled to it. 

 

Does she know about the concept of aftercare? Does she understand what it entails? Did she tell you why she was so upset? 

 

It's not your fault she has anxiety problems, in fact they sound pretty bad and I think if she doesn't already have professional help she should seek some help. This behavior combined with both of your seeming inexperience will not end in 'happily ever after', it will eventually wear you both down. ''I think she'll be fine, she always is.'' perhaps I'm over-exaggerating but this just seems so... So dismissive. Honestly, and don't take offense to this, I don't believe either of you probably researched or know enough about this dynamic and now I think you're both suffering because of it. I think you perhaps rushed into something you both weren't ready for, with no experience and no way of knowing how to properly execute things like punishments and aftercare and now you're both confused.

 

So, let me condense what I think you should both do.

 

1) Her to seek out professional help if she has none already.

 

2) Work on your communication skills together.

 

3) Research DD/lg (both of you), specifically things like punishments and aftercare.

 

I hope everything works out.

[DDLG-King]

I said I think she'll be fine, because she feels anxious often. But despite feeling anxious, a little bit of time alone, or a good distraction, and she always feels better. I do know why she was anxious. She felt anxious because she felt bad that she disappointed me after her lecture. Part of her anxiety is that she convinces herseld people hate her if she feels that she's upset them. Of course I do my best yo console her and ensure her that even if soneone is upset with her, which they often are not, that does not imply they hate her. When she's feeling anxious she typically doesn't want to do much communicating. What works best for her is just some support and being left a lone. I grew up in a family of people who have anxiety, so I understand the dynamic fairly well. As for the professional help thing. She has a few things that require medication. She takes meds for OCD, ADD, and depression. I'm not sure if she's taking a med specifically to help the anxiety itself, though. I've been reading up on the topic as much as possible, hence why I am here on this forum discussing this topic, but I don't think the problem lays in my understanding of DDLG as much as it is simply difficult to navigate her mind when she's feeling anxious. We've been together 4 months now, which I know isn't long, but our relationship appears to be prettt healthy. I've had my fair share of not so healthy relationships so I tend to recognize warning signs when they come about. At this point in time I do not feel withered down by the attention she requires, and I do not think I will. Like I said. I grew up around anxiety, and have social anxiety myself.

[Antoinette]

Not to be rude darling but if you were 100% confident with your understanding with DD/lg and anxiety I don't think you'd have came here and made this topic. If you think everything I said was of no value that's fine, feel how you'd like to feel but you did state that you're both new to the dynamic and rushing into serious punishments without knowing how to use aftercare is not only detrimental to her already seemingly mental state but also to your future experiences with this dynamic. 

 

If you said you know what she needs in her moments of anxiousness why would you need to 'navigate her mind', that doesn't make sense to me... Surely you'd just stick to doing what works best (leaving her alone to distract herself, giving her support). I never suggested that you're relationship isn't healthy but it's clear that she isn't (mentally) healthy, it sounds like she possibly has low self-esteem (thinking people hate her) and also that she doesn't understand how to properly communicate how she feels when she is anxious, which is fine, that's normal for people with anxiety but with some professional help it can be overcome. 

[Guest Princessaj]

Hi, thanks for asking for our help.

 

Please consider that your little's mental health well being is more important than DDlg/after

care/BDSM. It appears you have not built a real life relationship if you are not professionally

informed as to her specific medication treatment plan and her psych sessions topics/goals/

progress.

 

Because we don't know is if you in a real life local relationship or are you are long distance...?

 

If you are in real life local...you can attend her psych sessions with her and get guidance from her psych.

Knowing what they are actually doing in their sessions will support you being a professionally informed

part of her mental health care.

 

If you are taking things into your own hands without first hand professional knowledge of what her

medication is treating for and what topics/goals they are working on if their sessions you may be

causing problems. Being exposed to others with anxiety in your past may not qualify you to "know"

your little's personal mental health issues, history of trauma or how to help with them. Please don't

make a blanket statement as to knowing care for one person and thinking that makes you wise to

a different individual's professional mental health care needs.

 

If you are in a long distance, then you can ask to Skype/Facetime in her sessions.

 

All of this is possible if you take the initiative to do adult real life professionally educated actions.

When you have made this investment in yourself, your little and your real life relationship, then

consider a further education in DDlg. Your little's mental health is more important than DDlg. Hugs.

[Lil' Miss Dolly]

The issue with anxiety is that it can cause something called Rumination which is basically intrusive negative thoughts on a constant replay loop. It's worst case scenario all the time whether it's rational or not. Part of this is you take any criticism (no matter how small) deeply personally. It sounds to me like she's either A) taking your lecture way too hard due to Anxiety or she's being a brat and punishing you with guilt for punishing her. Both of which are signs of work that needs to take place before you guys go any further. Any mental illness that goes unchecked is detrimental to a relationship. It will make your life as a cg 1000x harder and without professional help - your little runs the risk of getting worse...a lot worse. If it's just a matter of her having a tantrum because she didn't want to be punished then you need to question her about whther this is the type of relationship she wants. If she wants all the attention and love of being a little but has an issue with being called out when she's a jerk..that's a big red flag. No one likes to be punished (like real punishments) but we all understand it's part of the deal. It's the give and take of a ddlg dynamic.

 

I hope you guys figure it out! You seem to really care about her.

[DDLG-King]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I don't have time to reply to you all individually but I really appreciate the feedback and advice! This is a relationship I really want to make work, and I don't want her illness to keep that from happening, as I'm sure she does not neither, so I'll continue to work with and communicate with her to help identify the best solution. Edited December 24, 2016 by DDLG-King

[lilbug]

Heya!
So I know how your little feel because I'm super hard on myself and all I ever wanna do is make everyone happy, especially my daddy; so when I know I've upset him, I tend to cry, a lot, and draw myself into a ball and not talk.

What that helps me after punishments and lectures is cuddles like when I curl up, daddy would pick me up, seat me on his lap, rub my back and tell me I'm still his baby girl and he loves me very much.

Also a lot of reassurance. Like a lot.